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I Know What You Did Last Valentine's Day
posted by Dave on 2/15/01

While most people were celebrating Valentine’s Day with their special someone, what was I doing?

Singing the Ricky Martin/Christina Aguilera duet of “Nobody Wants to be Lonely” with yourself in the mirror?

Ummm… no. Okay so maybe I was… but that’s not all I was doing.

I also partake in a ritual every Wednesday. I watch Dawson’s Creek. What can I say? I’m a sucker for teen melodrama. DC came along at the the perfect time in my life. Beverly Hills 90210 had just officially become a shell of it’s former self, when all of a sudden the WB offered up a whole new set of characters and a self aware view of the genre that had never been seen before. It was more custom fuckin designed for my needs than the suppositories that Mikey Forrester gave Mark Renton in the movie, Trainspotting.

That’s a pretty obscure reference there, dooder.

I know. What can I say? Beauty and brains. I’m just the total package. A double threat guy if you will.

Writer’s Note: Now from the few sentences I have just written, you might think I’m being cocky or full of myself. The reality is, I have already established that I was alone on Valentine’s Day watching Dawson’s Creek… so any attempt at bravado is obviously “sarcasm”. When it comes to comedy writing, starting out with self-deprecation and leading into false hubris is an old and established trick. Speaking of old tricks… Hi Mom..

Good thing my Mom doesn’t read this site, otherwise she might be a little perturbed at me for jokingly implying that she’s a prostitute.

Ummm Dave… you’ve been telling your Mom all about this site for weeks now. She’s definitely reading this.

Shit… Oh well, it’s because of my Mom that I have to tell people I’m half-Jewish when they ask what my background is… so consider this a minor payback. I still owe you for all of the Streisand records you used to play when I was little, so the way I see it lady, we’ve only just begun.

Now where was I? Oh yeah… Dawson’s Creek. Well obviously since I am having a problem controlling my rambling tendencies here, let’s just say that since I watch the show each week and I do own my own website now… It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercial to try and figure out what I’m leading up to. I’m gonna combine the two and start a series of weekly Dawson’s Creek episode reviews!!

Writer’s Note: If you didn’t see that one coming, well then go to the bathroom and wipe your ass... cause clearly you are a retard… and chances are you didn’t wipe yourself properly the last time you went and took a poopie.

Without further ado… let’s get on with the review.

Hey, that rhymed!!

Awww jeeaahhh. Yup Yup. (shaking head violently and doing a variation of the running man).

Ahem… I apologize. I learned all of my social skills from watching Vanilla Ice’s appearance on the Arsenio Hall show many years ago. Word to yo mutha.


Previously on Dawson’s Creek…. AKA: snippets from anywhere ranging from last episode to up to five episodes ago that will dictate the plot of what this show is going to be all about.

Let’s see:

Jen and Jack got drunk together on the high school ski trip, started making out, and then stopped when they realized it couldn’t work because Jen’s a whore and Jack deserves better than that. What… you thought I was going to say because Jacks’ gay, didn’t ya?

Also, Jen got caught by the chaperone throwing away the liquor bottles in the trash. I smell discipline for that coming in this episode. I also smell feet… I put socks on.

Pacey and Joey finally consumated their relationship as I cheered in excitement that she didn’t give it up to Dawson first. (insert the Katie Holmes “So hot! Want to touch the heiney!” Billy Madison inspired reference here)

Dawson’s mentor Mr. Brooks, the only adult on the show to ever come across as an older man than Dawson does, died last week. Considering the guy used to be a Hollywood film director and Dawson was his only friend, if you don’t see a scene where the word “will” is mentioned, then you my friend just don’t watch enough television.

Opening Scene

Jack and Jen emerge from their room to board the bus home back to Capeside. Along the way they discuss the worst case scenario of what might have happened had they slept together. It’s in this conversation that Jack has the “Line of the Show” so far:

On what if Jen had gotten pregnant…

”Then there would come a day where we would have to explain to our said love child, that Mommy and Daddy can’t have sex unless Daddy’s thinking of Ryan Phillippe.”

How Kerr Smith, the heterosexual actor who plays Jack, can spit a line out like that with a straight face is beyond me.

The chaperone is there waiting for them.. and he informs Jen that her punishment, “Just might be the chicken soup that her soul is looking for.”. It looks as if Jen’s self therapy days of “cockgobbling” are over.. and a real therapist will be setting young Miss Lindley down to inspect her brain… as well as her big, big boobies.

They board the bus and the camera pans over to DC’s resident “bad boy” Drew, who makes his typical wiseass remark and then proceeds to get on the bus… Not before tricking the chaperone into thinking that Pacey and Joey are already on the bus though. Oooohh.. he’s such a “bad boy”. Makes me long for the days of Colin getting Kelly to do coke on 90210.. Now that’s a troublemaker, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, if Pacey and Joey aren’t on the bus… then where are they? Why still in bed, snuggling in post-coital bliss of course. They awake to smile at eachother… but as the reality of what they did the night before sets in, they turn away from eachother awkwardly.”

If I was writing this script.. I would have inserted a sequence in which you could hear the character’s thoughts… It would have went something like this:

Joey: “I can’t believe I finally had sex. I wonder what he’s thinking about right now…”

Pacey: “I smacked it up, flipped it, rubbed it down., Oh no!!… God damn, Bel Biv Devoe kicked ass back in the day.”

cue the Paula Cole “I Don’t Wanna Wait…. Till I Shave My Armpits” song…

Commercials of note during the break…

The Levi’s “Karma Chameleon” karaoke commercial that helps cement something I’ve known for a long time… I’m never going to own a pair of Levi’s ever again.

The commercial for the Keanu Reeves/Charlize Theron “Sweet November” movie. As if they exhibited enough chemistry in “The Devil’s Advocate” to warrant making another movie together. The only chemistry Keanu Reeves has ever exhibited on screen with anybody was in “Parenthood” when he told Dianne Wiest’s character, that her son, Gary, portrayed by Joaquin “Don’t call me Leaf ever again” Phoenix, was masturbating a lot. “That’s what little dudes do.”.

Back to the show…

“About Last Night” comes up on the screen and I get the eerie feeling that DC is blatantly ripping off Frasier, a show which I have never seen… but for some reason know uses that lame gimmick of naming scenes.

Pacey and Joey start discussing the evening before, while they wait for a bus to take them back to Capeside. Basically, Pacey plays the “typical guy” and starts inquiring about what she thought of his performance. The following banter takes place:

Joey: “Just when I think you’re the antithesis of the typical male, you start dragging your knuckles with the rest of the primates.”.

Excuuuuse us, Miss “I just got fucked last night, so I have no room to be all high and mighty anymore”

Pacey: “Never underestimate a primate’s desire to hear about his ability in the sack.”.

Gotta love this character.

A few minutes later.. after a little more bantering..

Pacey: “I could do this..”

Joey: “What?”

Pacey: “This. The back and forth. The sweetness and the sarcasm. I could do this for the rest of my life, you know? With you as my partner in reference.”.

Evidently… some of Joey’s vaginal DNA has seeped into Pacey’s brain.

Joey: “Have you ever stopped to think that you are just the first of many, Pace?”

Looks like the Pacey smartass gene jumped into Joey’s body… as well as some sperm. Oh wait, this is a teen drama. They used a condom.. because we know that all teens use them…

Pacey: “Oh. Well, in that case, I guess I’ll just have to be satisfied being the Neil Armstrong of the bunch.”.

Good one.

They discuss how the sex was. Pacey gets pissed off when Joey tells him that it was, “Nice.”…. Pacey tells her that she was “Great.”… and he would tell the whole world about it if he could. Joey isn’t too keen on the idea of telling the world.. so Pacey just assumes it’s all about Dawson… and Joey gets pissed off and storms out. Pacey goes after her.

Joey explains to Pacey why she thought the sex was “Nice.”. Basically because at one point during it, he wiped the hair off of her forehead and she felt safe.

When a girl says to me that sex was “Nice.”.. and she felt “safe”, it’s usually because I didn’t ask if I could bust nut in her mouth, like I have a tendency to do sometimes. What can I say? I’m just a big sweet ol’ teddy bear.

Mom, I’m just kidding. You know that with the big Jew nose and ears I inherited from you… that no girl with any self-esteem would pull my slot machine handle and let me hit her jackpot.

Joey tells Pacey that she’s glad she had sex. She’s glad she had sex with him… and she just wants to go home… so they can do it again!! Thus proving the “Pringles Theory” that a girl once told me about girls who lose their virginity. “Once you pop, you can’t stop.”.

Commercials of note during the break…

Sarah Michelle Gellar “Maybelline” commercial. No explanation necessary.

Back to the show….

The next scene is entitled “The Big Picture”… which I just assume should’ve been called “Boring Fifteen Minutes with Dawson’s Big Head”

Sure enough here come Dawson and his girlfriend Gretchen… driving up to Mr. Brooks’ house where the greatest DC character of them all.. Gramms, is waiting for them in the garage. Basically she’s going through all of the old guy’s stuff (most likely looking for stuff to sell on E-Bay.. Gramms is shifty like that).

Dawson gets angry as usual and storms off after Gramms asks him if he would like anything to remember Mr. Brooks by. Gramms goes out after him and imparts some of her pearls of wisdom:

“Everyone deals with death in his own way. Some cry. Some pray. Some get angry at the world. There is no right or wrong.”.

Dawson goes back into the garage as we just assume Gramms went home to see if her granddaughter Jen was home.. (So she can say the name “Jennifuuur” at least three times per scene that they're in together).

Since Dawson and Gretchen are filed in my mind as the DC version of the Brandon Walsh/Susan Keats (editor of the Condor) Ultra Boring Couple… I don’t pay too much attention to the rest of this scene.

They reenact some play that Brooks had written. Then Dawson gets mad for whatever reason Dawson gets mad for… then they make out. As Dawson starts going through Brooks’ stuff… a man walks into the garage.

Guess what? Dawson’s in Brooks’ will, this man informs him. After the guy leaves, Dawson takes Brooks’ hat and places it down, as the camera catches it in slow motion… thus symbolically stating that Brooks will never be mentioned on this show again after this episode.

Commercials of note during the break…

Mandy Moore “Neutrogena” commercial which makes me have thoughts that reassure me I am indeed on a clear path to becoming a dirty old man.

A Playtex Maxi Pad commercial that lets me know I am indeed a girl for watching this show… or at least that’s what advertisers think of me with their decision to air this commercial during my personal television viewing schedule.

Back to the show…

The next scene is entitled “Excess Baggage” and we see Jen about to enter her school mandated therapist’s office.

Basically, the therapist starts off by playing the typical therapist and asks Jen a lot of open ended questions which she of course has a sarcastic response to everytime.

It culminates with this conversation:

Jen: “I don’t think I’m the kind of person that benefits from therapy. I feel as though I’m relatively self aware.”

His respose to this is the line of the series. They should rename the internet as a "Group of…who…"

Tom the Therapist: “Teenagers often confuse knowledge with wisdom.”

Classically true. To all of you teenagers reading this that are pissed at the glee I am exhibiting… ten years from now… Haha.. you’ll see.

Jen ends up getting pissed off and gets ready to leave the office. When Tom is all set to just let her go and inform the school that she has met the requirement... it piques her interest.

She asks him if he thinks if she’s screwed up.. and he basically comes back with a psychoanalysis of her that is * “dead on balls accurate”.

*-- credit to Marisa Tomei in “My Cousin Vinny

Basically… She puts on a sarcastic front to push people away… She has trust issues… She’s a scared little girl.

Sounds just like you, Dave

Very funny.

She sits back down on the chair and starts to tell of how she arrived in Capeside…

Commercials of note during the break…

Ali Landry's new “Doritos” commercial. Something about Miss Landry in a white tennis outfit laying on her back after being knocked out by nacho cheese snacks… is strangely very arousing.

There’s a commercial for the new Kevin Costner/Kurt Russell movie, “Two Wyatt Earps Dressed Up Like Elvis”… No wait.. it’s called, “3000 Miles to Graceland”. My bad.

Stay Free Maxi Pad commercial. I liked Playtex’s better. Geez, did I just say that?

The last and final segment of the night is entitled “Seems Like Old Times”

We see Joey walking along the street in front of the movie house, where she conveniently runs into Dawson. They decide to hang out together and end up going to a diner to talk.

Dawson tells Joey about the money he inherited from Brooks and they discuss whether he should pay for his college education with it or make a movie.

With the movies Dawson has made throughout the run of this show… the answer is painfully clear to anybody that has seen them … Pay for college, Dawson. Your movies suck worse than Kathy Griffin… and believe me, she sucks big time. Not funny. Not good looking… yet on my television doing reality show recaps on MTV. WTF!?!?

Dawson comments that Joey seems different. (Basically she hasn’t been uptight or confrontational during this entire scene. Directly attributable to the fact that she’s relaxed now, since Pacey pretended he was Val Venis.. and gave her the “money shot”. Sorry, pro wrestling reference. Bad habit.)


Small head.

They leave the diner and hit the swing set where they reminisce about old times. Is the swingset symbolic for their youth that is slowly slipping away? Haha…

They discuss how they’re still best friends and end up walking away to the tune of “They Can’t Take That Away From Me” which will always remind me of Patrick Dempsey dancing with Kirstie Alley in Loverboy. Extra anchovies.

On the sidewalk, Dawson comes right out and asks Joey if she’s slept with Pacey. At first she tries to shrug of the question, which a normal person could take as the actual answer to the question… but Dawson is no normal person. He’s a fuckin idiot.

She then gives him this speech:

Joey: “A couple of years ago if somebody had told me we’d be standing here having this conversation, I would’ve referred them to the nearest asylum… but things aren’t turning out the way I necessarily thought they would. A couple of years ago, if you had asked me who the first person I would have have had sex with was… I would have answered unequivocally.. Dawson Leary. That’s who. Sleeping with anybody else never occurred to me. Especially not Pacey..”

Dawson had to have gotten his answer from that diatribe… right??

Wrong.

Dawson: “What are you saying Jo?”

Jesus Christ!! With a head as big as his… he has a brain that must be just floating around in there.

What happened next just boggled my mind.. I don’t know whether Joey said this out of pity because Dawson couldn’t take a hint or what… but…

Joey: “No. I have not slept with Pacey.”

They say their goodbyes and the show ends..

Something tells me that lie is going to come back to haunt her… You can call it a gut feeling I have.. or you can just call it a blatant plot device used to create tension for a happy couple, that’s been done on every soap-type show since the dawn of man…

Next Week: A two hour special on the history of Joey and Pacey's relationship. Ooooohhh.

Dave


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