Last Article - Whatever-Dude - Next Article

Celebrity Websites: Don Johnson

posted by Paul on 5/21/01

n., pl. van·i·ties.

The quality or condition of being vain.
Excessive pride in one's appearance or accomplishments; conceit
Exposing your ugly mug on websites and webcams
Don Johnson

In the mid-nineties, the Internet was a beautiful hybrid of free information, illegal software and easy money. Little has changed, and while the money has dried up, people are still getting more than they deserve for making websites that, in lieu of a semblance of a social life, become their life's work. At one point, everyone was leaping on the gravy train . Money was there for the taking, and it was in endless supply. Celebrities by their nature alone were destined to cash in on this latest craze. Sure, they already had a limitless supply of money, but the thought of missing out on an opportunity to create a vanity project was too tortuous to contemplate.

And, free from the shackles of the vitriolic tabloid press, celebrities were able to create perfect images of themselves, negating any detrimental attention they may have received. It's all so easy on the web. Pay a small amount of money (or not), perpetuate some myths, stroke your ego and watch as the mindless are taken in by your new persona. Celebrities are as guilty of it as the fawning lackeys - those without friends and with a disturbing number of mental illnesses.

However, the most common and worst offenders are the B-List celebrities. You know, people you'd probably recognize, but would prefer to banish from your psyche forever. Their web efforts are often an attempt to rectify an embarrassing public persona, as they claw desperately to win favor with the layman.

Our first offender is Don Johnson. Now, Don Johnson is famous for a few reasons, and if it was anyone else, it wouldn't lend itself to bragging rights:

1) He starred in "Miami Vice", a hugely successful '80s TV show. The show ran for a few years, and like "Charlie's Angels", it helped re-invent the "slick cops" TV genre. Don was cool as ice in the lead role, and his smarm shone through like a UV lamp. He wore pink suits and smiled a lot. Chicks dug him.

2) He married Melanie Griffith. She of the freakishly large bosom, scarily protruding lips and screechingly high voice. Griffith is quite possibly the most flagrant bimbo still getting non-pornographic roles, and she's well-known for, umm, sleeping her way to the middle. So they say. Anyway, their marriage was (to put it mildly) something of a disaster. It was rare to find a cheap rag that didn't report about their doomed union, and how Don was putting moves on anything with a developed crotch. Melanie, on the other hand, unfortunately swallowed the Johnson seed. This Union has, I regret to say, made a terrible impression on the world. Much like Don's non "Miami Vice" work, which borders on embarrassing to downright horriffic. If this was, as predicted, a marriage of convenience (read: cheap publicity), it backfired in a major way.

3) He has a history of lewd and embarrassing behavior. He's faced more sexual harrassment trials than Roseanne has faced meaty dinners. He even enjoyed a spell at the Betty Ford Clinic. Because you're just not a washed up has-been until you've had the alcohol and drugs squeezed from your bloodless veins. Incidentally, more Hollywood slimers have been in Melanie Griffith than Betty Ford, but that's neither here nor there.

What really matters is morsels of information like this:

A San Francisco woman is accusing Nash Bridges star Don Johnson of making lewd comments when the two crossed paths in a sushi bar.

She said that Johnson, who allegedly stank of booze, grabbed her right arm as she passed him on the way to the bathroom and asked her if she knew who he was.

Although she did recognize him as the TV detective, the woman quickly identified the actor as a "disgusting pig," after he reportedly eyed her chest and said, "They're real, aren't they?"

The woman says she walked away from the star after telling him, "You're going down."

Ronald Litz, Johnson's attorney, denied that his client acted inappropriately and claimed that if there were any propositions, they likely came from the woman. "What I know about the evening is that probably 25 women came up to Don, and that happens wherever he goes," Litz told the paper. "He tries to be charming — he doesn't try to be standoffish. But he can't accommodate everybody."

Naturally, this is far removed from his official ass-kissing webhome, but it is the Johnson most people know. Interesting that the woman said "you're going down". DJ probably thought he was in luck. Also interesting to note that DJ was approached by 25 women on the fateful night when one of them didn't drop her panties to him. But then, he does have to pay for that, and the 25 women were probably appraoching him to ask him to leave.

4) He's one of Hollywood's most cliched "sleazeballs". When actresses talk about sleazy actors, Don is sure to get an airing. In every expose of Hollywood perversity, Johnson's name and JOHNSON pops up. Beside an unhealthy obsession with chicks, and the fact that he can't keep little Donny in check, Don is also rumored to be a big fan of call girls and gay porn. When the Heidi Fliess scandal reared its fishy head, Johnson and Charlie Sheen were said to be two of the most frequent users. And it didn't boost Johnson's already flagging image when it was claimed that during one of his many visits to the plastic surgeon, said surgeon lifted the (unconcious) Johnson's cloak, looked at his little man and said "Melanie Griffith deserved so much more than that. " Or words to that effect. Johnson was livid, and in an effort to prove that he was endowed, filed a lawsuit for defamation. No idea about the terms of the case, but I'm betting that the evidence won't stand up in court (chuckle, chuckle) or that the judge will agree that you can't defame the defamed.

This is the Don Johnson the public knows well. An actor who once had a strong female following, who flirted occasionally with the A-List, but who fell off the radar screen amidst a sea of bad publicity and disastrously unsuitable public appearances. And that brings us to, DJ's (as the site dubs him) attempt to look like a serious artist and all-round genuine human being. Let's see how unsuccessful he's been.

Opening Page

On the very first page of this backslapping site, we are greeted by the image of the sluggy Don Johnson. Flanked alongside a sinister face with "welcome to DJ's official site" are small images of the video covers of his most famous cinematic works. Masterpieces like "Goodbye Lover" and "Guilty as Sin", and other horseshit to which Pauly Shore would be ashamed to attest. Don has quite the body of work. Personally, if I was making this site, I'd make sure that any image/mention of "A Boy And His Dog" would be non-existent. But then, Don is no De Niro, so he can't be too selective in plugging himself. He saves that for his butt buddies and any whore foolish enough to be taken in by him.

So, "A Boy And His Dog" beats out "getting publically humiliated by Melanie Griffith" in Don's heady list of accomplishments.

The opening page of all these vanity sites exists solely to put the personality over. It's introductory text making some B-List joke sound like the second coming. Don Johnson didn't just star in a very popular TV show, he "presented a look, a style, an attitude that made him one of the most imitated men to come along since James Dean."

I don't know what fucking planet Johnson is on, but no-one and I mean NO-ONE has ever compared him to James Dean. And, if they did, it would be along the lines of "why do talents like James Dean die young, and we're left with schmucks like Don Johnson?". What attitude did he present? Sleazy womanizer? Oh, that's so innovative. I can't think of anyone in Hollywood being oily, self-aggrandizing and pathetic. Well, David Hasselhoff for one, and he's had two successful TV shows and never had to marry Melanie Griffith.

Guess Johnson needs to re-evaluate the hilarious self-delusion.

The intro goes on to tell us how Don graduated college, and only got into drama late on. Sadly for us, it wasn't late enough. He joined a theater, presumably spread a lot of sexual diseases and wound up in "a string of feature films... among them RETURN TO MACON COUNTY, ZACHARIAH, THE HARRAD EXPERIMENT and A BOY AND HIS DOG. Don's television credits include THE REBELS, BEULAH LAND and FROM THERE TO ETERNITY. Television films such as ELVIS & AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN and FIRST YOU CRY preceded MIAMI VICE, which began in 1984."

"Even as he worked consistently, turning out the equivalent of one movie per week with "VICE", Don Johnson still found time for other projects as well."

One movie a week? So, if you're in a long-running TV series, you count every episode as a movie? Pass the sugar.

DJ served as Executive Producer of the acclaimed CBS television movie "IN THE COMPANY OF DARKNESS," and the ABC series "THE MARSHALL." His directorial credits include six episodes of "MIAMI VICE." Currently, Don is starring in and Executive Producing the CBS series, NASH BRIDGES, which is in its sixth season. His last feature film GOODBYE LOVER, was released in April of '99.

Hooty F'N Hoo!!11 He "served" (likely a code word for "sucked off a bunch of suits") as Executive Producer on some dire, obscure, second rate TV movies and action series. Yeah, he directed "Nash Bridges". That had to be a stretch. From ordering interns to suck his toes and telling Cheech Marin to get off the set, old DJ must have had his work cut out.


Frequently Asked Questions

Ah, these are the lifeblood of every vanity site. The old F.A.Q. Of course, not only are many of the listed questions asked INfrequently, most aren't even asked at all. It's just an excuse to give long-winded answers to inane questions like "Is Britney really single?111". Don's F.A.Q really takes the biscuit. The questions are plainly fictitious and self-serving, and they make absolutely no bones about it. Questions such as:

When is Don's daughter Dakota's birthday?
When is Don's son Jesse's birthday?

Now, Don Johnson probably has about ten fans these days, and I'd bet $5000 that not one of his fans would want to know about his son and daughter. That one person might ask it is a stretch. That they expect us to buy that this is a frequent question is laughable.

How tall is Don?
Don is 5 feet 11 inches tall.

This is the part where actors embellish their physical appearance. Don Johnson is actually 5 feet 8 inches tall MAX. But then you don't expect an actor to be honest. Do you?

This list of truly shambolic questions is typified by the "What color are Don's eyes?" enquiry. Like anyone would want to know what color Don's fucking eyes are. By the way, they are indeed black. Like his soul.

What questions has Don really been asked most frequently? Here's my guess:

1) Didn't you used to be important?
2) Why the fuck did you marry Melanie Griffith?
3) What is more wounding: being dumped for Banderas, or having your penis size mocked?
4) "Paradise"? Why?
5) Do you enjoy making an ass out of yourself?
6) How's the scrapheap?
7) Not so cocky now? Eh, jerk?
8) Is Cheech Marin good in the sack?
9) What's your fascination with gay porn?
10) Who are you again?

Site Ratings

Content: It's got lots of flattering Johnson pics and heaps of P.R-soaked "DJ" info. If you want to know about his hair color, that is. The juicy stuff, like "why should we care?" and "why so much bad behavior?" is strangely absent. This is glossed over, fluffy and not very flattering. Can one man really be this delusional? Can one man sink so low? Go to Don Johnson's site, and in place of articles about his allegedly appalling character, marvel at how wonderful a guy Don thinks he is.

Design: It's simple, it loads quickly and it has a sincere pretense. But it's evil. No, wait, that's Don I'm thinking of.

Overall: There are worse offenders out there and I will expose them eventually. They are actually more self-serving and pretentious than Don. However, Don's site deserves a mention because the guy's credibility is right down there now. And he doesn't have a glitzy Flash intro!!11 He sux!!!11

But just in case you think I've been unfair to "DJ", let me emphasize his stupidity with a quote of his very own:

I can do whatever I want--I'm rich, I'm famous, and I'm bigger than you.

Two virtual thumbs down.

AOL IM: paulwdfans

Talk about this post in the forum!