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Letters from Hollywood

posted by Paul on 5/23/01

One of the perks of being a writer (and there are many, let me assure you) is the volume of mail flying through my slot. Read the world over, W-D has become an important member of the entertainment community. Why, just the other day I was discussing webcams with Mel Gibson. He thinks they're a good addition, in case you're curious. But, when I'm not enjoying cocktails at the polo club, or being fed hand-fed peanuts from bullimic supermodels, I'm reading my mile-long collection of mail. And I'm pretty well connected. The sincere citizens of Hollywood can trust your man Paul. Nevermind Roger Ebert. He's fat and creepy. I'm the guy to read. I'm not fat and I'm not creepy..unless you pay extra. Anyway, here are some of the more recent e-mails I've received. Permission has been granted.

Of course.

Yo, Dude.

How's the kids? Great!!! Glad to hear it.

This is the popular and critically-acclaimed and former credible actor, Patrick Swayze. Onscreen idol, director, writer, and composer of music (I assisted in scoring the theme to "Roadhouse"). Ok, so I lied. I was in "Dirty Dancing" AND "Ghost" .

I need work. Help me.

You know, a lot of young actors will often come up to me and say " Mr Swayze, how has an actor of your level of talent sustained such a long movie career?" It's a tough question, and while my talent is bona fide, the answers are multi-faceted. I'm using a dictionary, as you can tell. I don't even know what I'm typing! Perhaps you find it difficult to believe, but underneath my friendly face of modesty, wrinkles and decency, I actually have a lot of self-belief - and layers of collagen. My face is tighter than a pig's butt-hole. But not only do I believe in my immense acting prowess, striking handsomeness and glittering morals, I believe in the very fabric of self. As a very creative person, you have to believe in your essence. Confidence compliments talent.

Oh, I'm so deep. Hire me.

Of course, reassurance from peers is also a boost. Sly (Stallone) often tried to push me into radio drama. He'd often tell me "Pat, you've got the perfect head for radio". That's a great compliment, and I would broaden my horizons if everyone else wasn't begging me to stay in cinema. Clint (Eastwood) told me I make him look much better onscreen, which is a huge compliment to an actor. I once auditioned for Steven (Spielberg). Afterwards, he rushed over, a smile on his face, patted me on the shoulder and said "don't give up the day job". And, thanks to kind words like that, I haven't.

I am available for work, though. My resume is fairly extensive.

I actually believe I would have made a better Schindler than Liam Neeson, but Steven told me the phone lines were down, so he couldn't reach me to tell I'd landed the part. Strangely, every time I ring there, it sounds like it's answered, then the line goes dead. I guess they have screwy phone lines. That happens a lot to me. Maybe the problem's on my end.

I've seen a lot of actors come and go in this biz. Some had ability, some didn't. What they all lacked, and the reason they didn't succeed, was a GENUINE personality. You need to be genuine to people in the biz. I once told a director I loved his work, even though I left more talent at the bottom of my toilet this morning. The point is, I was genuine and I landed the part. Two weeks later I got him thrown off the set.

I've held oranges with more credibility than my brother, Don. Don's a fucking moron. I'm sure he's the reason I'm writing this letter. I wish we weren't related.

I may have been in more shit than Keanu Reeves on a hot weekend, but I still like to research my roles thoroughly. For my head-turning role in "Roadhouse", I got into character by studying the behavior of a slug (they too can save an entire town with dodgy Martial Arts skills). Did you know that a slug will procreate six times a year, and still seek out new partners? That sounds suspiciously like my marriage.

Ah, family life. As Arnold (Tom, not Schwarzenegger - his phone line is down, too) told me "put up with the facade". Sound advice, indeed. With all my fame and fortune, I've been bombarded by groupies, and girls who want nothing more than to spend one night with me. Of course, I often pay, but you have to pay anyway (as my shrink says). I have two sons I'm prepared to admit to (one of them is James Van Der Beek), and I've been on my back more than a beetle. Of course, I'm on my back more and more since I felI off that fucking horse. Christopher Reeves falls off a horse, gets a nice wheelchair and an invitation to the Oscars. I get Don Johnson ringing me up, calling me a "fuckwad" and threatening to kill me. And I get snubbed by my peers.

I guess the press respects me enough as an actor not to invade my private life, and autograph hunters are gracious enough to let me pass by. Just the other day, I overheard one saying "it's not worth getting him". I guess they thought I'd be some over-egotistical Hollywood star, unwilling to sign. But I would have been happy to sign. I'll go to any premiere, and if there was an envelope being opened, I'd be there, too. Provided there were cameras.

So, to have a successful career, be honest, genuine, and let your talent shine through. I highly recommend a book called "How to lengthen your penis". But, staying relevant, you would-be Swayzes should read "Delusions of Grandeur" (Foreword by the great Geraldo Rivera). It's a terrific read.

I'd also recommend "How to survive a very public Hollywood Downfall" by Kevin Costner. Deep and profound..

For all your dining requirements, visit my new restaurant. Warm and hospitable. Just like me. We also make a delicious pea soup. Dress casual, and be prepared to act flirty. If you're female, that is..

Love ya, man

Patrick Swayze

It certainly is nice to hear from an old Hollywood stalwart. "Black Dog"? Why? In future, try not to pick your movie roles out of a hat.

Dear Paul,

I read your site everyday. When I'm not puking in the toilet or stocking up in the drugstore, I'm staring blankly at and enjoying the buzz of novocaine. But I digress. I don't have long here, since the doctors are due any minute to give me my daily rectal "injection" (ok, I'm getting a good assramming), and I need a while to recover from that. Granted, I'm used to taking it up the ass by now, but still. I was just hurt by your recent attack on me. I've known for some time that I am a one-talent kook, but I seem to have a lot of people fooled. Do you think I can prolong my fifteen minutes of fame? A guy has to pay for his "medication" somehow. Eh?

Matthew Perry.

Matthew, let me go to the bathroom one second. Ok, you can't hear this, but I'm flushing the toilet ten times to signify the passing of your career. I'm sure you've heard that sound before. Either from Courtney Cox regurgitating her food in the on-set bathroom, or from flushing your "supplies" in a vain attempt to look clean and sober- although the bloated face and glazed expression is a strong clue. I can't wait until "Friends" comes to its painful and prolonged end. Then all you guys who think you are too talented for television can enjoy bit-parts in the latest Judge Reinhold disaster. Or fall from attention, Scott Baio-style. Thanks for writing!!

Dear Paul,

I was wondering if you had any drugs. I was, uhh, hoping to get rid of all the drugs, in case the kids got their mitts on them. We wouldn't want that. So, give me all the drugs. NOW.

Hey, now that I've used all my "get out of jail free" cards, can you give me some drugs?

Robert Downey Jr.

Robert, I'm as clean as Rosie O' Donnell's dinner plate, and twice as hollow. I know you just want the drugs to clean up the world. That's why 30% of Cocaine supplements are languishing in your brain. Such concern. You're a credit to society. And congratulations on getting fired from "Ally Mc Beal". You know you've really succeeded when you get dropped by one of the most neurotic, psychologically inept sets in entertainment. That's like getting thrown out of Alcatraz for being too big of a criminal.

Dear Paul,

Can you recommend a good dentist?


Hey, Puffy.

I'd recommend anyone who didn't work on Tori Spelling's face. Or Christopher Reeve. He seems to know a bit about horses. Or falling off them, at least. But hey, you're a multi-millionaire who can't resist boating about your immense wealth in every track you release. I'd imagine you could take time out of your busy schedule of cashing in on your dead friend and hitting on Divas to get those gums examined.

Thanks for writing. You suck!!111




Ah, Eminem strikes again. I'll reply on Stan-style:

I meant to write you sooner, but I just been busy.
You say your schtick is dying now, how many times are you going to bitch about: your immense fame, your pseudo-angst and your fans? I think you and Dr Dre should be together, or maybe you should just treat him better. Hey, Eminem, why are you so rich?

Why are you so rich?

And that completes our current batch of W-D feedback. Look out for more soon.

Keep your eyes on W-D for all the latest celebrity happenings. Because when it comes to dissing celebrities, we take quite a beating.

AOL IM: paulwdfans

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