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No Human Shall Escape The Real World

posted by B on 5/24/01

For the past decade, Chicago has been America's most shining example of the difference between "hot" and "cold." Michael Jordan lead the Bulls to seven million straight NBA championships. Chicago was hot. Michael Jordan then lost his mind, retiring from basketball to spend more time calling fictional cartoon characters (his "Space Jam buddies") on the phone. The mental ward suddenly had a bitching basketball team, but Chicago was cold. Over the years Chicago has had to put up with two crappy baseball teams, a crappy hockey team, and nine seasons of "Family Matters." And it burned down once. And then the shitty band "Chicago" named themselves "Chicago." Things couldn't get any worse, right?

Use 1-800-COLLECT and save me a buck or two. Now I'm off to buy Europe.

Define "any worse."

For over a decade the country's most misfortunate city steered clear of the accursed "reality show" trend, but leave it up to the fine men and women of MTV to strip Chicago naked and toss it into a cargo train (with New York, New Orleans, Hawaii, and others) headed straight for the concentration camp that is network television. MTV has announced that The Real World will move to Chicago for its eleventh season. The show will begin production this summer and debut in January 2002.

Now, if rampant crime and poverty weren't enough, elevated train-goers get to watch positively unpretty, snot-nosed twenty-somethings bitch about racism as they ride to work. Chicago's mayor is happy about all the publicity the city will reap from the season of MTV's celebrated grandaddy of reality television, as the city's gay people weren't already being stereotyped enough.

"Chicago is such a dynamic, beautiful city," said Real World co-creator Mary Ellis Bunim in a statement. "We have been considering it for years as a potential location for the show. Being able to shoot it over the summer when the city is so beautiful assured the choice of Chicago for the Real World's newest home."

Adds partner Murray: "Chicago has absolutely everything--beautiful backdrops, diversity, culture, music and great neighborhoods."

Adds partner (and Chicago's own) Sammy Sosa: "The World...EEES SO REEEEAAALLL!!!!"

Since its pioneering debut as one of America's first true "reality" TV shows, the Real World format has changed little: Seven strangers (sometimes emotionally fragile, sometimes just horny) are picked to live in a luxurious loft as they have their lives taped and presented to MTV's teen-friendly audience. Nobody actually WATCHES these shows until one of the 51 annual "Real World Weekends" where the show is played all day. And I mean ALL day, and all night, even over those usual 15 minutes at four in the morning when MTV's usually playing music videos.

Murray said casting is almost complete for its Chicago installment.

Sometimes the world looks perfect
Nothin' to rearrange
Sometimes you just
Get a feelin' like you need some kind of change...

Though the coed roommates have been somewhat overshadowed amid the latest reality craze, The Real World still commands respectable ratings for the network. And MTV's 10th season of The Real World is currently in production in New York--where the series was first staged - and will premiere this July.

Going back to the roots of the Real World has sparked sort of an inspiration in me, if you will. Long gone are the days when I'd use my spare time to write about things that matter, like insane cooking challenges or Angelina Jolie's breasts. In celebration of MTV and the Real World's 10th anniversary, I've compiled a list of the ten greatest roomates ever to strap on clunky shoes and walk down the art-deco hallways of our lives.

MTV and the Real World. A Decade of Destruction.

10. Matt, from the Real World New Orleans

Why he's 10: From the Official Real World website:

"Matt is known around his college campus as 'Supafly.' Supafly is a straight-edge religious hipster who loves graffiti art, break dancing, hip-hop culture, and customizing his souped-up Honda (he's currently in the process of getting it lowered.) Matt felt compelled to devise his own identity. What he created includes his collection of over 25 Hawaiian shirts, a kick-ass thrift shop wardrobe (right down to his glasses and luggage), and a styling product that makes his hair feel like shards of glass."

Matt is a two-sport star, as a Gold medalist in the "tool" competition at this year's Special Olympics and as a four-time defending pussyweight champion in my own personal "Guys I'd Like to Punch in the Neck" Supercard.

Julie: I'm a Mormon. You should make out with me!
Matt: No, I'm a Christian.
Julie: But so am I! I mean, no!
Matt: I should kiss you.
Julie: But I believe in God!

Entire episodes would just drone on like this. Sounds like good enough reason for Jesus to put them both through the Heaven announce table with a crucifix powerbomb.

Best Moment: When Stephanie overcame her amnesia and proposed to Test.

Oh, sorry, I got off track.

Advice: There are only two kinds of guys who wear Hawaiian shirts - gay guys and big fat party animals. And Matt does NOT look like a big fat party animal. When choosing an identity for yourself, it's good NOT to choose the identity of "gaywad."

9. Eric, from the Real World New York


Why he's 9: Read that line up there. That's pretty much all he ever said, no matter what the situation called for. He had a pretty interesting gooney love thing for his roommate Julie, but went and messed it all up by making out with every other girl on the face of the planet. He also hosted "The Grind," which made him the stupidest white person alive. I'm serious, I bet Barry Manilow wanted to kick his ass.

Best moment: When he finally realized that he wasn't a celebrity and whored himself out to that cheeseball "Best of the 90's" CD infomercial. "Yeah, what the 90's were about were beanie babies, pro wrestling, and supermodels!" Yeah yeah Eric, the party's *really* in the house now. I haven't seen a *party* that TOTALLY EXTREME since the last time my grandpa took a huge dump in his pants.

Advice: Hey Eric, the next decade's gonna be all about unemployment.

8. Ruthie, from the Real World Hawaii

Why she's 8: Because this is the number of alcoholic beverages that Ruthie consumed per minute on EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of the Real World. And I'm not just talking about in clubs and bars. If she wasn't running around bare ass naked or something she was drinking on the beach, drinking at church, drinking on the toilet, whatever. This chick hold more diseased liquid than the New York sewer system. Ruthie often made big speeches about how she was "living life by her own rules."

Roommates: Okay Ruthie, you got drunk and smashed your car into an orphanage, setting it on fire and killing everyone inside.


Best moment: When Ruthie passed out drunk on the first night, and had to be dragged naked into the shower by Amaya. I'm sure I should say something profound here about the dangers of alcohol abuse, but the only thing I could think of is how funny it was to make Undertaker jokes whenever Ruthie's eyes rolled back into her head.

Advice: Whatever you do, NEVER CUT RUTHIE. Her blood's acid, like in Aliens.

7. Sharon, from the Real World London

Why she's 7: Sharon was like a fictional character come to life. She was a fat black British girl with the temperament of a Teletubbie and the hard-edged realism of Mary Poppins. While her London castmates were away being models or getting their tongues bitten off, Sharon would sit at home and knit, and talk about how much she loved kittens in the confessional booth. I think the most hard-core thing I ever saw her do was jump on the trampoline.

Best moment: Yeah, the trampoline thing. And she used to sit a lot. And get "flustered."

Advice: MTV should do a follow up on Sharon and see how magical her life in Nardia has been since Real World London.

6. Jon the Cowboy Virgin, from the Real World Los Angeles

Why he's 6: Oh man, this guy just *oozes* ass kicking. From his frail, southern drawl to his affinity to sing the worst hits of country music to his mullet, Jon made me throw at least seven or eight hunks of my own dung at the television screen. You could've put him in pigtails and had him sing "Good Ship Lollypop" and he wouldn't have been any more hokey.

Jon: Hey Irene, I think I'm falling in love with you.

Oh, Jon, take me now, right here!
Jon: I'm waiting till I get married to have sex! Ah-hyuk!
Irene: Whoops, I'm pregnant, gotta go!

Best moment: Jon's concert! Oh, we're all so proud of you, you can go on God damned Star Search and be just like Uncle Joey from Full House! Whoo whee, we're seven racially diverse strangers brought together by the power of the steel guitar! Wheeeeeeedoggie!

Honorable mention: When Jon went to the beach and wore a "Hulkamania" shirt.

Advice: Shut the fuck up.

5. King Hippo, from Mike Tyson's Real-World!!!

Why he's 5: King Hippo wasn't like the rest of the Real Worlders...he mostly stayed to himself, bandaging up his bellybutton and trying on his XXXL trunks. But whenever anybody challenged his integrity or called him a racist, he'd open his mouth hella wide and then WHAM knock them upside their head. WHO CARES IF YOU HAVE LIME DISEASE, YOU DESERVED IT.

Best moment: Most Real World people spend thirty minutes at a time ranting about how they "never got a chance to be with their mother" or how they "are trying to learn to communicate with the people who make the world's differences." King Hippo won't havin' that bullcorn.

Aaron: Open up to me, please King Hippo! We're never going to understand where you're coming from if you don't LET US IN!
King Hippo: I have my weakness. But, I won't tell you! Ha, ha, ha!

Advice: Stop taping up your bellybutton, it gives you away every time. And give Don Flamenco some love every once in a while, how bout it?

4. Amaya, from the Real World Hawaii

Why she's 4: I picked Amaya for number four because she painfully exemplifies everything that's wrong with America, and, more specifically, modern females. One minute she's really cute and you're staring at part of her hemispheric swingers, when all of a sudden BIGGITY BAM you're being bombarded by crying fits and long, tearsoaked speeches about female empowerment. I'm all for girl power, as long as it's accompanied by big boobs and platform shoes.

Best moment: Her ongoing self-abusive relationship with "Colin," a guy so predictable and cheesy that he made Jack Tripper from Three's Company look like Hunter S. Thompson. That, and the time she was humping away in the gay guy's room and sent him storming out crying. That was pretty funny.

Amaya: Ungh! Ungh! Ungh!
Amaya: Ungh! Ungh! Ungh!
Amaya: Ungh! Ungh! Ungh!
Justin: WAAAAAAAAAAH! (storms out of the room crying)

Advice: 1) Just be a lesbian and get it over with, and 2) buy some pants that fit for Christ's sakes.

3. Julie, from the Real World New Orleans

Why she's 3: Julie is a Mormon, and you can tell by two defining traits:

1) She reacts to every little thing she sees as some kind of personal revelation. I know some parents can be oppressive and sheltering religiously when raising their kids, but Julie's parents must've raised her up from the ground like a potato.

Julie: I don't like gay people.
Danny: I'm gay.
Julie: (crying hysterically) OH MY GOD YOU KNOW?? I used to not like gay people but now I like them! I'm so confused! I guess I just hate black people.
David: I'm black.
Julie: OH MY GOD YOU KNOW? IT'S LIKE YOU KNOW?? I used to hate black stupid can I be!!!!!!!

And so on. God forbid she find a good price on a steak, or she'd break down right there in the grocery store weeping over all the past atrocities she's committed by buying overpriced meat.

2) Her teeth are bigger than the rest of her head.

Best moment: Julie lost a loving relationship with her family and a free ride through college because she couldn't stop putting her big ass teeth into other people's mouths. The idea behind the New Orleans show (far as I can tell) was to take the seven most irritating and annoying assholes on the planet and get them horny over each other. Julie ended up making out with just about everybody on the show. I couldn't imagine what kissing her must've felt like. I would guess either "like kissing Puff Daddy" or "like kissing a horse." Either way, you're chipping your own molars.

Advice: Keep skateboarding and thinking for yourself. Those are both things that normal people got over when they learned how to drive. Unless, of course, she wants to become a PRO SKATER, and then by all means proceed with your life as planned. Maybe one day I'll get to play as "Julie" in Tony Hawk 8 or whatever so I can keep slamming her into walls. It's satisfying enough to make a skateboarder bleed.

2. Genesis, from the Real World Boston

Why she's 2: Genesis was great because she NEVER DID ANYTHING. She never went on emotional tirades, she never slapped lime diseased people around, nothing. She knew she was a hot lesbian so she stood in the background and sneered at everybody.

Montana: God I hate you all!
Kameelah: Shut up you racist!
Genesis: I'll see you guys later, I'm going out to eat some pussy.

Best moment: Genesis telling people on the phone that "maybe she just needs to meet the right kind of guy" and she wouldn't be gay. Ha! That moment alone sent thousands of teenage boys running out into the hills praising Jesus, for they'd just been filled with the hope that MAYBE JUST MAYBE if they stay friends with the gay girls they'll end up in a stank orgy.

Advice: Genesis will never be as successful as Phil Collins. You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowningbut didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a a show he found him? That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning.

But, Genesis is still gay. (sigh)

PS: We should be together too.

1. Pedro the Loving Homosexual, from the Homosexual But Loving Real World San Francisco

Why he's 1: Ah, Pedro. The only cast member in Real World history to:

1) Get married on the show.
2) Pronounce the word "Rachel" as "Huuuray-she-all"
3) Die.

Pedro is such a fountain of bad taste for a humor columnist that I myself can't even type the hundreds of thousands of possible Pedro jokes. He was flamboyantly gay (down to the knee socks and lisp), he had AIDS, he was always finding something completely trite to complain about, and he married DJ Jazzy Jeff. Making jokes about Pedro is like having sex with Blanche from the Golden Girls. You shouldn't do it, and, if you do, it's not really gonna be that hard.

Best moment: Puck scooping out Pedro's peanut butter with his fingers. By looking at Pedro's reaction you'd have thought Puck had sodomized his mother or something. Pedro flipped, screaming out hateful things in Spanish and hateful things in English that were so intelligible that they sounded like they were in Spanish.

Pedro: Pah-huck! Why you steeck your fingers in my pee-ah-nut butter?
Puck: Fuck off dude.
Pedro: Wha! Wha! Wha! Wha! Wha! Wha! (slapping his forehead) This ees MAH house Pah-huck, an if hue do NO respeck it I jus have to leave!

And, of course, they kicked Puck out. If Pedro had left there wouldn't have been a gay guy on the Real World, and our universe would've imploded.

Advice: People should really care about one another. Pedro would've never died if Janet Reno hadn't sent that Swat Team in to deport him. Oh, and don't die.

Make sure to catch the Real World 10: New York starting this July and the Real World 11: Chicago starting this January to see who's next for the list. Until then, feel free to drown in the Dead Sea of reality television that you've created for yourself by viewing so many Real World marathons.

Like you had a choice.

AIM: NotAGoonie
Tea: Gone cold.

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