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TGIF - The Urkel Dance, Tanner Telethon, Mr. Ass

posted by B on 6/10/01


WWF "star" Mr. Ass on "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch." The first and only time Gunn has touched pussy.

They are four letters. Nothing more, nothing less. However, they've echoed through the annals of my otherwise rectum-less mind thanks to the American Broadcasting System. And, thanks to the kind men and women who produce quality family television, they cause more pain and anguish than over 20 other letters. In any normal society the letters TGIF would be the exclamation shouted by old people who work five days a week. "Thank God it's Friday!" In America, TGIF was mostly observed by the band "Loverboy," who, despite selling millions of records were always working for the weekend. Thank God it's Friday even became a restaurant full of unnecessarily expensive barbecue chicken. Where did the expression go wrong?

Family Matters.

Full House.

Just the Ten of Us.

Perfect Strangers.

ABC's big Friday night "family fun" lineup dubbed "TGIF." It was at once a Nirvana for the family and a staggering zombie with a machete killing all the sexy teenagers at "Camp Not Gay."

I'm just as big a fan of "Perfect Strangers" as the next guy. I can still do the "Dance of Joy" and I try to work "don't be rah-dick-olus" into every conversation. No matter HOW funny Cousin Larry Appleton's jowls were, their comedic golden shine cannot break through the dark clouds of Coach Lubbock's "belly shaking" dance during the opening credits of Just the Ten of Us. Why were there TEN of you? Use some birth control you big phallic freak.

I've discussed the societal insults of Full House and Family Matters with a certain level of depth before, but, as television shows of the era go, they were still better than most. As young people of the United States we must not forget the deep history of prejudice executed on our minds. The late eighties was a proverbial land mine of monument-deserving explosions, each burst sending the limbs of our sanity flying into the air.

Late 80's NBC - "227," a decent sitcom that gave birth to the career of Jackée Harry. SAAAAAAAAHNDRA was the show's "breakout" character, which meant that she was on Hollywood Squares too much. Jackée went on to star in "Sister Sister" and single-handedly raise America's suicide rate by 30%.

Late 80's CBS - "Newhart." Newhart was on the air from 1982 until 1990, meaning that a show about old people having old people problems was on my television for eight of the first ten years of my helpless little life. I'll sum up my memories of Newhart with this picture of Bob Newhart as the devil.

After watching Bob Newhart try in vain to die for eight years lessened the blow of Carl and Steve's buddy comedy sexual tension on Family Matters. And hey, after sitting through 22 minutes of Jackées ass Dave Coulier's "Cut...It...Out" was funny as hell. Wait a minute, no it wasn't.

So, in comparison, TGIF wasn't that bad. Being eight years old I didn't have much choice. I had to watch television with my family, and families watched TGIF. If they could've just stuck to the formula (plot, conflict, resolution, heartwarming dad speech) things would've been just fine and we'd be living in a Utopia right now. However, ABC screwed up BIG TIME by letting the TGIF lineup get out of control. The ideas of family love and closeness were shattered beneath the oppressive vision of the shows, which were (evidently) possessed by the spirit of Akira and running amuck throughout Tokyo.

In case the world is destroyed tomorrow, and monkey men in cyborg armor find the remains of this "world wide web" years from now, I've decided to record my nations history. Therefore, I will make it my literary odyssey to record the moments when TGIF became a monster and destroyed our minds.


The Urkel Dance

"The Simpsons" is without a doubt the best non-cooking challenge show in the History of Television. Even the Simpsons couldn't keep from being lame as fuck when incorporating a "pop dance number" into the show. Remember "Do the Bartman?" Of course you do. Wish you didn't remember "Do the Bartman?" Exactly.

"Do the Bartman" is a black-eye in an otherwise pristine history for that show. So what happens when the same thing occurs on a show resting on a much, much, much lower level than the Simpsons? Comparing "The Simpsons" to "Family Matters" is like comparing Jesus Christ to David Spade. Or comparing the joy of a first love with the joy of watching your grandmother stumble out of the bathroom naked and covered in her own doots.


Left, Steve Urkel. Right, BIG FAT DYNAMO.

Steve Urkel had problems fitting in, so he spent most of his spare time masturbating to pictures of Laura Winslow and building things in his own image. Robots, evil puppets, and more spawned from the mind of this madman. Little did we know that something more sinister lurked beneath the high-water pants. Oh HO HO HO SINISTER INDEED. In an effort to "fit in" with the kids at school, and partially due to the fact that the LETHAL AND EVIL "Willy" spiked the punch, Urkel broke free from his timid facade and told the DJ to "play a fast one." The DJ did more than play a fast one.

The DJ played "THE URKEL DANCE," which was HIGHLY convenient.


Right click and "save as" to hear the ENTIRE "Urkel Dance" as it first appeared on Family Matters. Definitely something to tell your grandchildren about. If people who watched Family Matters are still fertile, anyway. 1.7 M

Now if you want to do the Steve Urkel Dance
All you have to do is hitch up your pants

Bend your knees and stick up your pelvis
I'm tellin you baby, it's better than Elvis

(Instrumental)

Do it
Do it
Everybody
Do the Urkel Dance

Now point your fingers up to the sky
And talk through your nose way up high
Spin and dip and jump and cavort
And finish it off with a laugh and snort
Heh Heh Heh [Snort]
Heh Heh Heh [Snort]
Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Ohhhhh

(Instrumental)

Do it
Do it
Everybody
Do the Urkel Dance

Do the Urkel
Do the ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-Urkel

Do the urkel
Do the ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-Urkel

Do it
Do it
Every body
Do the Urkel Dance

And the peer pressure continues (DO IT DO IT DO THE URKEL DO THE URKEL GOD DAMMIT) until Steve (in a drunken rage) tumbles off the side of the building and almost plummets to his death. This would've been FANTASTIC for the show, but instead he's saved and learns a special lesson about not being such a retarded.

One of the creepier things about the Urkel Dance is that all the kids at the party HATED Urkel and didn't want to talk to him but LOVED the Urkel DANCE, so much so that they all did PERFECT choreography along with Urkel. Even laughing fancy-free when Urkel did his trademark snort. Haha, oh Urkel, you silly bastard, we hate you but you're funny tonight! Hike up your pants, it's better than Elvis!!!!11

So, Urkel is the geek who never gets the girl, but has brainwashed an entire group of young people to create a song and dance routine is his honor. Sweet deal.

The insurrection should've stopped there, but it didn't. Urkel was a big dollar man for ABC, so he got stuck in "guest roles" on the other TGIF shows. One of the shows that replaced "Perfect Strangers" was "Step by Step," featuring Patrick Duffy and Thighmistress Suzanne Sommers. Step by Step is what would happen if severe burn victims were pushed into a vat of lemon juice and then told to recreate an episode of the Brady Bunch. Imagine a lazier, less controversial, crappier Brady Bunch.

Steve had to teach one of Patrick Duffy's kids the "silver lining" of being dumped for the first time. The kid (her name escapes me, she was the tomboy middle kid) didn't have a date to her school dance, so Steve (being the social butterfly and sexpot that he is) agreed to go with her.

Guess what happened?

The moment Steve got there he told the DJ to "play a fast one" and ..."do it...do it...everyboDAAAAAAAYYYYYY" did the Urkel Dance. The Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Urkel. Again. Everybody in the kids school knew the SAME choreography, and did the SAME dance with Steve. I should've known something was up when this happened, but I didn't figure it out until later (see "destruction of the matrix" below).


Click the image to hear the scariest thing you'll ever hear...listen all the way through for a special message to Hammer.

Steve also did the "Urkel Dance" with Dorothy from the Golden Girls on an award show. Feel free to download the bastard version of the "Urkel Dance" that caused children to scurry to the roof of their homes and leap off into the sweet release of death.


Stephanie sings "Love Shack" on Danny's Telethon

Danny hosts a 24 hour telethon for a children's health center. But when he falls asleep on camera with four hours to go, Michelle and Jesse take over as hosts! HILARITY ensues. DJ sings, Kimmy Gibbler rides a unicycle, and one of the Beach Boys shows up to sing "Be True to Your School."

Everybody acts shocked when the Beach Boys show up, which is completely fake, because the Beach Boys spent more time in the Tanner home than the Tanners. If Uncle Jesse's having a problem with his band, the Beach Boys show up with a song. DJ's got her first period, the Beach Boys show up with tampons and a song. Uncle Joey goes on one of his freaky sexual deviant binges in the living room, the Beach Boys show up with the bondage equipment, tampons, and a song. It's a well oiled machine.

The telethon achieves it's $1,000,000 goal and the children at the health center avoid euthanasia. THIS TIME. How did a group of annoying white people raise a million dollars in twenty-four hours, you ask? It sure as hell wasn't Kimmy's PRO SK8R unicycle.


HOW RUDE!!!1

THEY WANTED STEPHANIE TO SHUT UP. When Danny falls asleep like a homo during his own telethon, Stephanie uses her amazing HAMMER dance skills (like Bea Arthur) to BREAK IT DOWN to the B-52's "Love Shack." Love Shack is bad enough as it is, but at least it is what it has always been... a goofy dance song. It's not supposed to be groundbreaking. It ends up being BONE breaking as I wildly begin flailing my arms into walls, and television breaking as I hurl my set through the window with Herculean strength known only to the enraged mentally handicapped and Mark McGwire.

She ...she dances...she dances to Love Shack. I mean ...the sheer high octane suck of the situation can only be measured by the world leaders in suck technology, using the latest operating system on their super suck computers. Jodie Sweetin is not allowed to appear on television for at least 15 more years after filming this scene, unless accompanied by a Beach Boy.

God only knows what I'd be without her.

Probably really, really happy.


The Destruction of the Matrix

I learned the difference between "reality" and "fantasy" at a very young age. "Mommy and Daddy" are real. "Cookie Monster" is not real. But what a bastard Cookie Monster is. He's always all, "ME WANT COOKIE" and all, "COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE" but when he finally GETS to be selfish and GETS all the cookies he doesn't even EAT them. He just puts them in his mouth until they crumble and then they fall out. There are starving muppets and happy Interracial families OUTSIDE of your precious "Sesame Street" that would LOVE to eat those cookies, you furry blue dick.

Anyway, I never believed that the characters on the TGIF were real, I knew that they were all actors. What I appreciated, though, was the ability to pretend that these characters existed in a happier world, where kids WEREN'T murdering people...where women DIDN'T sexually assault men with kitchen knives while they sleep...where ugly figure skaters DIDN'T take out other ugly figure skaters with billy clubs. My childhood and early adolescence were tumultuous times, and TGIF helped soothe that with it's banality. That is...until the matrix was shattered.

Jaleel White played the character "Steve Urkel" on Family Matters. Follow me here...


Finish your life off with a laugh and snort.

On Full House, Stephanie was feeling bad about having to wear glasses. Seemingly out of the blue, Steve Urkel showed up to show Stephanie that wearing glasses isn't the end of the world, it only means that you'll be an outcast who gets rejected by the person you like for eight years. Stephanie wears her glasses for the rest of the season and Urkel goes back to building weapons in his parents basement. John Stamos appears in this episode, with Urkel, as "Uncle Jessie." Moving on...


Watch me do my Elvis impression again! Believe me baby, it's BETTER than Elvis! DO IT! DO IT!

On Family Matters, Steve builds a jetpack. The jetpack goes haywire and blasts him all the way to Wisconsin, and into the living room of the jackoffs from "Step by Step." He teaches them all a valuable lesson about being yourself, yadda yadda Urkel Dance yadda yadda do it do it do it everybody and then he leaves. Suzanne Sommers appears in this episode, with Urkel, as "Carol." Moving on...


Jack, YOU BE A TRIP BOY YA HUR ME


On Step by Step, one of Carol's daughters is the girl with two dads from "My Two Dads." Carol plays matchmaker with his daughter and sets up a blind date with two Beavis and Butthead guys. Hilarity ensues, and the usual Step by Step doot dance finishes up. At the end of the show, the REAL blind date shows up, and it's John Stamos!

No problem, right?

Problem.

Carol alerts John that her daughter had a disastrous situation earlier and doesn't want to go on the date anymore. John responds with, "did you tell her I'm on Full House?"

tick...tick...tick...tick...

Urkel is Urkel to Uncle Jesse...Urkel is Urkel to Carol... so shouldn't Carol be Carol to Uncle Jesse and Uncle Jesse be Uncle Jesse to Carol? Yes. It should. And the world would be real. But there is ANOTHER WORLD.

This situation proves one of three things:

1) Steve Urkel is some bizarre dimension hopping agent of good will, helping children deal with real life issues while their parents are busy being "quirky."

2) Steve Urkel is not real, and is merely an extension of a person's self-depreciating personality.

3) The people that get hired to write for TGIF spend more time giving each other loving father-daughter speeches and erotic enemas than perfecting their craft.

But perhaps they DID perfect their craft. Andy Kaufman spent YEARS trying to convince people that he was an asshole who had no idea what he was doing. Maybe the TGIF people were just following suit.

Or maybe they're really working for the devil.

Look deep into the eyes of Bob Newhart, and repent.


We'll make it better...the second TIME around

b
swan@whatever-dude.com
AIM NotAGoonie
Pathetic because you disagree.

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