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The Tanners: An Exercise in Lameness
posted by B on 2/15/01


When you hear the word "lame," what do you think about? In regard to television it can define MOST of the last century's programming, from the Tori Spelling made-for-television classic "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?" to the various Tom Arnold vehicles that tossed bleach into our eyes and sent us fleeing into the woods. More recently it could define MTV's Ananda Lewis (her whole existence, really) or World Championship Wrestling.

One show stands above the rest as being EASILY the lamest thing ever produced by America, and very close to being the lamest thing ever produced by the world (with "Sailor Moon" and France being a solid 1 and 2). Let me break it down for you.

Bob Saget is lame. John Stamos is lame. Dave Coulier is lame. The Olsen Twins are LAME. How would one combine these impossible elements into a potent mixture of lame that would overflow from the bowels of the Earth to consume us all beneath it's unforgiving blanket of helplessness?

Cast Bob Saget, John Stamos, and Dave Coulier as three single men living together in San Francisco, and make the Olsen Twins their kids. And it happened for a WHOLE DECADE.

I believe that "Full House" still exists in syndication because I have a very serious inner-brain disease that makes me believe that it is there. It can't be an actual show. It exists to "warm the heart" with powerful cheese that "warms" my heart to nuclear levels, until my heart explodes from my chest, sending a rib hurling into the eye of some innocent bystander: the American public.

I can't believe I'm using metaphor to describe Full House. Cavemen with a chisel and a cave wall couldn't write something simpler than Full House. Plus, it's so white that it's BLINDING. It's so white that Chris Rock can't find the strength to talk about how stupid it is.

Just look at these guys.


CHARACTER GUIDE

Danny Tanner

Catchphrase: "Give me a hug."

Character description: Perfectly straight San Franciscan television personality is left to raise his three daughters by himself after his wife catches an episode of "America's Funniest Home Videos." Danny has various psychologically repressed issues (being a neat freak, being unsure about his new relationships, the time he pistol-whipped Stephanie) but is a pretty nice guy, once you get over the fact that he's Bob Saget.

Shining moment: Danny got the "shining moment" at the end of every episode, when, in the twenty-first of twenty-two minutes, sits down with whoever had that episodes problem and sets them straight. It doesn't matter if it's DJ getting a bad report card or Joey going on a rampage and murdering dozens, that corny harpsichord music starts up and Danny makes it okay with a hug.

Where is Danny now?: Bob Saget gave us a decade of laughter with "Full House" and "America's Funniest Home Videos," so God gave his sister cancer. Now Bob really doesn't do much of anything. I hear he once sucked dick for coke. But that's just a rumor.

Uncle Joey

Catchphrase: "Come on...cut...it...out!" and the unabashedly queer "Did somebody say WOOD?"

Character description: Can a man be LESS funny than Dave Coulier? Full House was on for like a billion seasons and Joey's comedy act "never took off." The idiot never noticed that his act included the following:

1) The "Bullwinkle" voice.
2) The "Popeye" voice.
3) The "Woodchuck/Jackalope" voice.
4) Jetsons noises.

and, the big one, 5) The phrase "Cut...It...Out!" and the accompanying hand gestures.

"Cut...It...Out" is supposedly the funniest thing that Jesus the lamb our God ever blessed us with. There are (roughly) 185 episodes of Full House. Joey says "Cut...It...Out" and does the handjive (roughly) 3 times an episode. The "live studio audience" laughed at it EVERY SINGLE TIME. So with maybe 100 people per "audience" that means "Cut...It...Out" in it's native form is good for at least
55,500 laughs. Fucking Dave Coulier.

Shining moment: Ruining popular music for a solid year. Back when they both worked for Nickelodeon, Dave Coulier ("Out of Control") dated Alanis Morrisette ("You Can't Do That on Television"). One day Alanis was going down on Dave in a theater, and he makes his Bullwinkle voice and goes "Cut...It...Out" and everybody laughs at her. Something in the back of Alanis's head snapped and she started making really overrated and shitty music. Back in '97 I couldn't listen to Ace of Base in some fucking peace because "You Oughta Know" kept coming on the radio. Thankfully Alanis sold a bunch of albums, so she got happy again and people stopped giving a crap.

Where is Joey now?: Saying "Cut...It...Out" in his Popeye voice over and over as the blade of the knife slides up and down his veins. Or he's watching old episodes of "America's Funniest People," but I wouldn't wish something THAT AWFUL on him.

Uncle Jesse

Catchphrase: "Have Mercy!"

Character description: Jesse supposedly "raised Hell" as a youngster. His real name is "Hermes," he plays in a band that sings do-wap 50's music to bad guitar riffs, is a back-up drummer for the Beach Boys, and growing up his best friend was Scott Baio. Nothing says "danger" and "raising Hell" like listening to "Little Douce Coup" on vinyl with Charles in Charge. The girls called Jesse "Uncle" because he was Danny's brother-in-law, unlike Joey, who they called "Uncle" because he routinely molested them.

Shining moment: Pound for pound, Jess had more wiener moments than anyone on the show. He dropped out of school, masturbated all over his hair, and lived in a room with pink bunny wallpaper. But Jesse's shining moment came in those instances where he'd piss Michelle off, and then have to sing a song to her like a retard to make up. His best was "Mee-Shell Smiling," a powerful ballad sung to EXTRA long shots of ugly little Mary-Ashely Olsen sticking her fingers in her mouth. I guess they never showed us those times when Jessie beat himself with a belt for being such a fucking pussy.

Where is Jesse now?: Uncle Jesse dumped dumpy Becky and met Rebecca Ro-Miggin Stamos, a supermodel who, seeing that they both had the same last name, got married to him. She then went on to star in "X-Men," which would've been the BEST MOVIE EVER if I had no taste in movies whatsoever. Rebecca, more so even than John, proved through X-Men that no matter how boring and half-assed a movie is, if you tell people it's "hip" they'll like it. Other examples include "Shakespeare in Love" and anything starring Julia Roberts EVER.

DJ Tanner

Catchphrase: "ThankyouthankyouTHANKYOU!"

Character description: Full House execs set out to create the perfect preteen/teenager character by making her as unrealistic as possible. More concerned with pleasing her father and uncles morally than sleeping with drug dealers (like normal teenage girls), DJ's big thing was putting up posters of George Michael or Suzie Q and then teasing her hair as high and widely as possible. You can see DJ's hair from space in most episodes.

Shining moment: DJ (or "Deej" as the apes call her) and her neighbor/best friend/assistant crack whore Kimmy Gibbler developed a weird obsession for one-hit wonder Suzie Q. What SUCKED though is that Suzie came to town to sign autographs while DJ and Kimmy would be in school! OMG!!!!!!!11 To solve the problem, DJ skips school and goes to get the autograph...but concerned UNCLE F'N JOEY shows up because he knew DJ'd like it. What a BITCH you are DJ! RECOGNIZE! The episode ends with DJ feeling bad about the situation and Joey telling her to "cut it out."

See how old that jokes gotten already? And this is just one post.

Where is DJ now?: DJ somehow got hot and married a hockey player. Now she lives in the E! Network with Jules Asner, Steve Kmetko, and Steve's legion of gay dancers.

Stephanie Tanner

Catchphrase: "How rude!"

Character description: Find the cutest, funniest little girl you could imagine. Then, after each season, hit her in the face with a bat and push crayons up her nose and into her brain. Each year she'll be more and more annoying/repulsive. That's what happened to sassy daughter Stephanie, what experts in the field call "Fred Savage Syndrome." Puberty gave her the pedigree through the Spanish announce table.

Shining moment: Getting upstaged by the Olsen Twins. When Michelle took over the "Stephanie" role of the show, they tried to make Stephanie into "DJ," but DJ was already "DJ" so she got screwed. Stephanie got ALL the bad shit that somehow missed the other two kids: she got glasses, she got braces, and then Joey broke her nose on a kids television show the day before school pictures. She should've tied them all up and fed them to the dog.

Actual shining moment: Singing "Love Shack" during Danny's telethon. I wish I was making that up.

Where is Stephanie now?: At a college in California, getting drunk at frat parties and dancing around on the tables. I think that's a good place to keep her, we don't want her getting back out and infecting people.

Michelle Tanner

Catchphrase: "You got it dude!"

Character description: The baby of the family, so CUTE that the family LOVES her and thinks she's SWEET because she's so CUTE and LOVED. Michelle needed routine serenades from every member of the house, was selfish, and then in the last episode fell off of a horse and got amnesia. So, because of the Olsen twins pampering, the last episode is a clip show about how much we loved Michelle.

Shining moment: Michelle never did a single thing on the show that didn't make the audience go "AWWWWW!!!!"

Michelle: You got it dude!
Audience: AWWWWWW!!!!!!
Michelle: I want my ouse-cweam!
Audience: AWWWWWW!!!!!!
Michelle: Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats!
Audience: AWWWWWW!!!!!!!

She also served as the fulcrum to the lever of every annoying thing that ever happened on the show. She was also friends with Teddy, the younger brother of the even more unimpressive twins from "Sister Sister," and Aaron, an abomination I'll get to in a minute.

Where is uh, the Michelles.. now?: On the Fox Family channel, solving mysteries and dressing like they're twenty-five years old. I'd stop fantasizing about them if Hollywood would stop dressing them like whores.

They're also into making movies, and BOY have they made some gems, like "Passport to Paris," "Our Lips are Sealed," "Switching Goals," "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Olsen," and "Billboard Dad."

We all hate them. Yes?

Fucking Aaron

Yes, but not as much as this kid. Aaron was Michelle's "friend" I guess, and only appeared when he felt the need to be a sarcastic little shit. If Danny had something wise to say, Aaron would sneer his ugly little mug and pout "WHATEVER." If Jesse needed Michelle to play nice in school, Aaron would pinch her and go "YEAH RIGHT." If Joey wanted Aaron to "cut it out" Aaron would kick him in the shins.

I think I might hate Aaron more than anything else in the world, mostly because of how concentrated the hate is. The moment I KNEW it was true was when Michelle's kindergarten class has a "party," and all the kids were too nervous to dance with each other. So, after Uncle Jesse and Michelle make a *conscious effort* to make things fun for everyone, Aaron goes "WHATEVER....let's tear this place up!" or something equally as flamboyant and begins to do the "running man" dance a la Kid n' Play.

Urge to kill...rising.....


The list goes on and on. Without even commenting on the poor writing or direction of the show or it's cast, you see how lost the show was in it's own fluffy pink void of space.

The best thing we can do now is to put it out of our minds and stop talking about it, so eventually reruns of Mama's Family will wash over the reruns of Full House and erase it from popular culture forever.

But when you really think about it, "Full House" isn't lamer (or worse) than other TGIF legends like "Family Matters," a show that existed SOLELY on the sexual tension between a fat cop and a nerd.

Now that was lame.

B