Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Kracker
posted by B on 6/24/01
7 Questions With Uncle Kracker
Over the past few weeks I've been hearing more and more about "Uncle Kracker"
on my television and radio. HE'S KID ROCK'S TEX-MEX DJ! HIS MUSIC IS ABOUT FEELING GOOD
AND ROCKING OUT! I honestly had no idea who the guy was until an extensive period of
research (meaning I typed "Uncle Kracker" on Yahoo) that really opened my eyes.
Uncle Kracker's not just a tubby leech sucking the vaginal secretion-laced blood of
trailer park rocker Kid Rock...he's a tubby leech sucking the vaginal secretion-laced
blood of trailer park rocker Kid Rock TO THE EXTREME!!!
The idea of being able to ask seven questions to the man who currently "busting
out" with his own "mellow hit" "Follow Me" and rocking my World
Wrestling Federation world of federated wrestling with his "Theme from X-Factor"
is an astonishing and admirable task.
So now it goes Uncle Kracker, spinning heel kick, spinning heel kick, spinning heel
What would I ask him? How would I sit there, across from a man assumedly snacking on
cheetos or trail mix or whatever (I'm guessing he eats constantly to retain body mass),
and get into his mind? Would I need a power question about his childhood? A drill? A power
Thankfully I never had to e-mail him and ask him to "Follow Me" to an
interview (haha, I'm such a great writer). Some dinky little website called "SonicNet" (I think they run porn
ads or something, I dunno) did the 7 questions with Uncle Kracker ALREADY! "HOLY
COW" I said to myself, and (like X-Pac does every time Uncle Kracker plays)
raised my hands above my head and slowly walk-danced to my Online Service provider to
check it out.
I tend to see things I don't like through beer goggles sometimes, so this is (pretty
much) what the site said. If you see any pictures of Sanrio characters, don't be alarmed,
I'm just losing consciousness:
With Kid Rock guesting on a few tracks and serving as producer, you'd think Uncle
Kracker's debut, Double Wide, would have been shining like the diamonds in his teeth. But
it took eight months for the Lynyrd-Skynyrd-meets-hip-hop album to finally take off,
thanks to the lazy, countrified ballad "Follow Me." Record buyers were thrown
off by the cover art, featuring a picture of a crucifix submerged in urine. "I was
just trying to show people what I stood for, and that I am able to catch crosses on fire
when I look at them. Follow me!"
Now, 26-year-old Kracker (born Matt Shafer, and completely without love), Kid Rock's DJ
and best bud for the past decade, is making a loud noise of his own on an album recorded
in the back of the bus on Rock's seemingly endless tour in support of the breakthrough
Devil Without a Cause. Kid Rock has also paid for Kracker's home, goes grocery shopping
for Kracker, and wipes Kracker's ass for him.
As he prepares to hit the road this summer with Sugar Ray, Kracker sat down to rap with
Joe D'Angelo about establishing his own voice, impressing the boss and how a guy who
started using turntables before he really knew how could spin off into his own success
Sonicnet: If Kid Rock's signature tune is "American Bad Ass," what
song on Double Wide best represents Uncle Kracker?
Uncle Kracker: "Better Days." I'm a lot more confident these days than
I used to be. "Better Days" suits me best because I'm not that aggressive and
I'm not that confident and I'm just that much more laid-back.
Whatever Dude: What "Uncle" is trying to say is that he's a
radioactive pussy that turns bright green and rips its pants every time somebody buys his
record. Have you actually seen this guy? Kid Rock looks like a dirty junkie who fell out
of his local Disabled Veterans clothing store, but at least the guy looks like he cares
about what he's doing. How can you look at Uncle Kracker and not want to Twist of Fate his
lard ass onto a steel chair? He's got a beer gut, the cloned head of the stool pounder
from Smash Mouth, and what appears to be Pamela Anderson's wardrobe. A guy like this
shouldn't be famous, he should be selling me a sassy T-shirt about how cool marijuana is
at Hot Topic. So I reiterate the Twist of Fate onto the steel chair. Only replace
"Twist of Fate" with "shotgun blast" and "onto a steel
chair" with "into a shallow grave."
Sonicnet: To listen to your second single, "Follow Me," you wouldn't
think it's an Uncle Kracker tune.
Whatever Dude: You would think it was the mating call of some sort of homosexual
Kracker: It's definitely different from the whole record. But when we first
started recording that song, with us being from Detroit, that song was supposed to be this
doo-wop/Motown song something different, because every song's got its own little
twist. And this song was supposed to have that, but after we recorded it, I was like,
'Man, that could be something for radio,' so we switched it back.
Whatever Dude: "Man, that could be something for radio. It's almost as good
as 'Bootylicious' but not quite as good as 'No More (Baby I'm a Do Right).'" One
thing we can thank sweet Christ for is that "Follow Me" isn't this
doo-wop/Motown song, because my body only holds a certain amount of feces, FAR less feces
to hurl than necessary to express proper disdain for an Uncle Kracker doo-wop/Motown song.
Also thankfully the "own little twist" to each song is that it sucks Eddie
Murphy talking CGI Donkey ass, and can easily be splattered with any available amount of
Kracker: It takes on a couple of different meanings. I've heard some people
think that I'm talking about drugs, or some people think I'm talking about cheating. I
guess it's kinda both. I would never want to say anything that would get myself in
trouble, being married with a couple of kids. That song is like a dirty picture painted
with a pretty brush.
Everything is all right
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
It's not about cheating or drugs. It's about sadness. Lots and lots of sadness.
That song is like a dirty picture painted by a kid with slobbery down syndrome hands
and stuck with a "You Can Do It" magnet to a rusty old yellow ghetto
refrigerator. It's yellow because I've been urinating on it since time began. That's just
BEGINNING to put into words the failure of Uncle Kracker, both as a serious musician and a
celebrity. His songs aren't "deep"...they don't have "multiple
meanings." From a professional point of view (sitting here in my underwear eating
Froot Loops) it sounds like some chode smoker got the poems he wrote in 10th grade
Creative Writing greenlighted by his popular friend.
Sonicnet: How does it feel now that the album is finally taking off nine months
after it was released?
Kracker: It gives you that kind of "I told you so" feeling, 'cause the
last thing you want to see is your record sit on a shelf. You go and you do it, and you
work for a record deal, and you [write] a record, and you put it out, and it doesn't sell,
and you're kinda like, "What? That's not the way it's supposed to work." So in
the end, you're kinda like, "Man, I knew that record was good." ... My record
did the same exact thing [as Kid Rock's Devil Without a Cause]. It sat around for that
long before it kinda took off. I mean, the odds say it ain't gonna do [as well as Devil
Without a Cause], but it's doing well enough. It should be platinum in a day or so, and I
couldn't be happier.
Whatever Dude: Can you believe that this guy is egotistical about his success?
The man obviously and illogically shops at teenager RaVeRR d00d stores at the mall and
poses for "pensive" and "sensual" pictures for his webpage.
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night? How old are you, five?
This guy "couldn't be happier" because now he can pay people to help him not
get beat up. Would you hang out with this guy? I think I would, if I wanted to spend my
days sitting in the basement reading Megadeth comics and trying to play "Enter
Sandman" on the guitar my dad bought me for my fourteenth birthday.
But back to what he's saying..."Man, I knew that record was good."
Let me take the mature, objective stance on this. When I worked at Blockbuster Video,
people would routinely return the fantastic film "Life is Beautiful" because it
was "in EYE-TAL-YUN." So, instead of taking in a piece of art dictating a
fathers love for his child, family, and life amidst the Holocaust, the people would rent
"For Richer or Poorer" and laugh at Tim Allen making "rauh rauh rauh"
noises. Life IS beautiful, but a lot of it ends up looking like the inside of Kathie Lee
Gifford's thigh: stretched and gasping for air. I've tried for YEARS to figure out why
people can shun the things that could bring them the most satisfaction. Why watch Tim
Allen movies? Why listen to Uncle Kracker's music? Why go to Shoney's when you could hold
your wiener up and just piss into your mouth and get the same taste?
The answer came to me in a blinding vision, bringing hope and inspiration for years to
come. It was a familiar voice, a voice I haven't heard in a long time. The voice of the
one person who is enlightened enough to help the world help itself. The voice...of
"You've got to have stuff that sucks to have stuff that's cool."
Stuff that sucks.
Sonicnet: Do you think you're ready to headline big shows on your own?
Kracker: I've always had this plan with Kid Rock. Just being best friends, we
sat around for a long time going, 'OK, what we're going to do is take the Kid Rock thing
and do this with it, and then we're going to spawn you off and it's gonna be Uncle Kracker
this and that.' It kinda didn't take shape as soon as we thought it would have. Now
everything's falling into place. We knew going into it that the odds of someone going from
a big group and splitting off and doing a solo project [weren't good]. There hasn't been
many people that have had success doing it. I'm just happy to have done what we've done
with it so far. Only because going into it, the odds weren't looking so sweet. ... I don't
know if it was a plan so much as a pipe dream, but it was definitely something that we've
always wanted and talked about, and now it's here. Now we're talking about maybe touring
Whatever Dude: "After that I'm going to start a family...but I'm not sure
if I'll be able to do it, so I'll just pretend that I really have Kid Rock's children, and
that Kid Rock's wife is my wife. It might just be a pipe dream, and it probably won't
happen, because I'm not confident, and I don't believe in myself, but I knew it would
happen whether it will or not, but I know it will. Anyway, I once put Kid Rock's dick in
my mouth while he was sleeping and took a picture."
That Sonicnet question should be read aloud, like you're the voice guy for the new
Capcom fighting game and Sonicnet's getting ready to challenge Uncle Kracker. "Do
you think you're ready to headline big shows on your own? Get up!! It's too early for you
to be defeated!"
Follow me! You can do a hyper combo!
SonicNet: During Kid Rock's tour last summer, there was a portion of the show
where you stepped up and performed Uncle Kracker songs.
Kracker: Yeah, and that always felt weird to me. Because we didn't want to shove
it down anybody's throats, but at the same time we knew we were gearing up for me to go
out by myself. I've been sitting behind him for so long that for me to try and come out
and overcome the being in the background thing was kind of a way to do it, too. ... The
reception wasn't so bad because I'm in the group, and here I come up front. Some people
didn't know how to take it.
Whatever Dude: What Kid Rock does isn't brain surgery. It's not like he's in the
middle of reattaching some poor kids spine and turns to Male Nurse Kracker and says
"all right, time for you to take over." As countless bands like Lifehouse, Papa
Roach, or (LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I PRESENT TO YOU THE WORST BAND IN THE HISTORY OF THE
UNIVERSE) 311 prove, all you have to do to draw the disillusioned rocker kid crowd is to
play something loud and scream. That's it. No "deep songwriting," no
"message," no "role models." It's just show up, scream, fuck the
groupies, and leave. Aerosmith's been doing it for almost seventy years. Unless you think
that "Pink is my favorite crayon" is a cry for unity across nations.
Kracker: What was weird was going up and singing "Follow Me" in front
of everybody. Especially this last tour, where it was Buckcherry, Fuel, Kid Rock, and in
the middle of this Kid Rock set, here I come, and I'm singing "Follow Me" to all
these rock 'n' roll kids. Just to deal with that in your head was like, 'Man, this ain't
so good.' But I'll tell you what them kids, they either knew it or they didn't, but
they didn't boo, they didn't frown. It helped me a lot to be able to do that, to be able
to come out in front of those kids and do what we were doing. They were really good to me.
Whatever Dude: Anyway, those people "didn't know how to take it"
because it was a complete 180. You've got this skinny guy who rails (depending on your
time of reference) porn stars/Pamela Anderson on a regular basis throwing his dimestore
hat around and (depending on your time of reference) hip hopping around with/without a
midget. Then, the lights go down and the cottage cheese ass from the Gadzooks saunters up
to sing about marriage.
The kids didn't boo or frown because they'd been blindsided. It's like going to a Dixie
Chicks concert and "hoot nannying" (if that's conjugated properly) to some down
home feminist activism and having Marilyn Manson spring in and tie them all up with
humorously oversized old dental equipment. Sure, some of the 12 year olds in leather pants
and animal-print cowboy hats would sprint away, screaming for their lives, but most people
would just sit with their jaws on the ground staring at Mansons jiggly plastic ass pants.
I guess that solves the whole "why do people like Kid Rock in the first
place" debate. Next to Uncle Kracker I'd expect him to start giving sight to the
blind and turning water into Pabst Blue Ribbon.
So I think I'll keep walking...with my HEAD! HELD! HIGH! I'll keep moving on... and
only Dad knows why
SonicNet: When you first met up with Kid Rock, you had no formal musical
training and no DJ training at all, right?
Kracker: None. When it came time for me to start doing stuff with him, I was
barely 16. In fact, I had just gotten my license probably like a week or two earlier. He
calls me up because he had some issues with his DJ something happened and he
needed a DJ for a show he was doing. So he put me behind the turntables, and I was there
more or less as something for people to look at, because I didn't know what the hell I was
doing I just started learning at the shows. And I'd be doing backup vocals. There
was even a point where I was doing everything from behind the turntables. I was running
samplers and doing the turntables and working the lights and working the fog machines
basically everything that you can stick behind the tables, that's what I was doing.
So every now and then, during the show, I would hit a little scratch or two and hope that
it didn't suck.
Whatever Dude: "Okay, so we're gonna have a contest to find FIVE, SEXY
BOYS to be in our new band! We're gonna give them singing and dancing lessons, have them
live together in a loft, and tape their lives! It's gonna be FAB!"
I don't think any little girls are gonna tune in after Clarissa the Teenage Witch to
watch "Making the Fat Country Western DJ with the Sissy Voice." When I
was fourteen my friends and I would dress up like luchadors and video tape ourselves fake
wrestling, and it was a lot of fun. You never saw Vince McMahon show up and snag my friend
Christian Robinson away, because the WWF really wanted a fat guy in a luchador mask and
some soccer shorts to stand in the ring while the Stone Cold and The Rock went at it, did
you? Why do people in the music industry give jobs to people who have no idea what they're
doing? You can't fly to Paris and stroll into Le Louvre with that KILLER colored pencil
drawing of Optimus Prime drawing you did in Kindergarten and get it strung up on the wall
next to the Mona Lisa. Club owners need to take it upon themselves to drag people who
have no idea what they're doing out into the street and execute them gang style.
SonicNet: What did you contribute to Devil Without a Cause, and what did Kid Rock
contribute to your record?
Kracker: I CO-wrote most of the record with him. Kid Rock knows what he wants,
and I'll finish a verse or two for a song. He'll start something and work on something
else right away. He can put together a song and already know that it's done, even when
it's not. I'm like the seal of approval. I'll just sit back and give the nod, like yea or
nay, and that's just always how we've worked together. Like, I can say, 'Oh, this would
sound better like that,' or 'That sucks,' or 'Do something different.' That's more or less
my role in the overall thing, aside from writing a couple of verses here, a hook there and
verse here, just helping him finish a line. He contributed to my record what I contributed
to his record. I've sat around with him for the past 10 years just making songs. There are
literally hundreds of Kid Rock songs that probably won't ever see the light of day. If we
didn't do anything in a day, at least we made a song, because neither one of us had jobs.
It was just something to do. Now it's sweet because we're doing it for something.
Whatever Dude: And let that be a lesson from "your uncle" fair readers
of Whatever-Dude...if you've got a friend who's gonna make it big, be the guy who gets to
sit next to him and NOD while he works his ass off to make a name for himself. It worked
for Uncle Kracker, it worked for Jason Mewes, and it worked for that one Backstreet Boy's
little brother. Have you ever heard that little 12 year old rap about how he beat Shaq at
basketball? Why in God's green name does that exist? I want to strangle every little girl
who ever even THOUGHT about screaming at that little dork until her dad rushes into the
room and I have to jump out through the window.
Not that that's ever happened.
But it should happen, and if the crazy people of America really can't stop the urge to
murder someone, why can't we organize a program to help weed society? That idiot who
tossed the dog off a bridge and into traffic is gonna get ass raped like nobody's business
for seven years in prison. Is it worth it? If he'd ripped off Christina Aguilera's pants
and taken a picture of it he'd be a hero to every Nude Celebrity webmaster and
"starving to death" fetishist across the globe. Phil Hartman's wife went bonkers
and murdered one of the best comedians who ever lived, the guy who helped write
"Pee-wee's Big Adventure" and voiced about a thousand characters on the
Simpsons. Couldn't she have just killed Rob Schneider instead?
Unfortunately, nobody consulted me when the world was created or when America started
being America, so I'm shit out of luck. So if we've learned nothing else from this bitter
diatribe ... and we haven't ... it's these three things:
1) If you're going to go nutso and kill your friends, take a moment to
reconsider and kill one of the following: David Arquette, Paul Reiser, Todd Newton of E!,
the guy who hosts "America's Funniest Animals" (I've lovingly named him
"Cockmaster"), Jessica Simpson, one or more guys from Creed, Andy Dick.
2) Find somebody who has something to say in life, sit next to them and nod
until they make you a lot of money. Being a yes man rips your integrity from you, but if
you're seriously planning on being a yes man you probably didn't have much integrity
3) Shut your fucking face, Uncle Kracker. You're a boner-biting bastard, Uncle
And here comes the chorus of farts.
Follow Me to... I heard that Jamster ROCKS! at RajahWWF.com