BRUCE WILLIS is at home with his chubby wife, Olivia Williams.

BRUCE WILLIS: Man, it's so hard being a top psychiatrist and having to put up with all the shit that being a top child psychiatrist entails. Wanna shag?

OLIVIA WILLIAMS: Wait a second, Donnie Wahlberg is standing in our grimly lit bathroom.

BRUCE WILLIS: No way! Not THE Donnie Wahlberg. You hold him and I'll kick him for putting us through that NKOTB shit. Then we'll bury him out the back. Hehehehe. LOL.

DONNIE WAHLBERG: I'm REALLY fucked up. You see, let me just add in a little exposition here and say that I used to be one of your patients. I feel that you let me down and I want you to feel my pain. As I say, rather than making this sequence any more drawn out and overblown, we can just say I'm fucked up. I also have a gun. Booyah.

BRUCE WILLIS: How have I wronged you?

DONNIE WAHLBERG: You remember that song by Phil Collins called "In the Air Tonight"? Well, you could have rescued me from drowning. But now I'm on 90 downers and I'm drowsy. If I had a car, I'd drive a fat singer over a bridge, but I'll just stand here and ramble and do some other shit. Yo.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS: My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why.

BRUCE WILLIS: I'm sorry about your career, Donnie. If I'd known it would go so wrong, I'd have taken your life. It would have been fairer for all concerned.

DONNIE WAHLBERG: Fuck you! My brother was in "Boogie Nights", I had to appear at Wrestlemania and I'm about to sing "Hangin' Tough" while you and your wife act scared.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS: Please. Just shoot us. Or, here's a better idea. Shoot yourself.

Donnie shoots Bruce. Then himself.

BRUCE WILLIS: Yippie Kay Yay, Motherfucka. You shot me!

One year later...

BRUCE WILLIS: Life really hasn't been the same since Wahlberg killed himself and shot me in the chest.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS: I miss you so much, Bruce.

BRUCE WILLIS: I'm right here, baby.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS: I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you.

BRUCE WILLIS: Shit, ever since I was shot I feel as though I've been talking to myself. I might as well be DEAD or something. I smell like shit.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS: I really miss us...

BRUCE WILLIS: Pfft.. Talk to my strangely rotting hand.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS: I love you...

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: ...And it wouldn't stop bleeding for a week. He told me he was a doctor of the rectum.

BRUCE WILLIS: Hmm, interesting. Tell me, do you think I can pull off this straight role? I'm sick of all this sighing and having to look pensive.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: I don't know, Bruce. I'm a little confused about why I have to look like a courier. I mean, HELLO. Hollywood star here. People?!

BRUCE WILLIS: I think the director's trying to show that you're different from other kids.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: I have a secret..

BRUCE WILLIS: I know. I could tell by the way you touched my ass.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Everyone knows I'm gay, but that's hardly a secret. I'll tell you my big secret later. We have to try to build suspense. I'm...troubled.

BRUCE WILLIS: I'm DEAD curious now, but also dead scared. I could get arrested walking around here like this. How much do you charge anyway?... I'm just fuckin' with ya.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Can't stop heavy breathing. Make them stop, make them stop, make the ghosts go away! Shit!

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN I'm working on it...

AUDIENCE: Well, hurry the fuck up. We heard about a surprise ending.

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN I'm working on it..

AUDIENCE: Kill Bruce Willis.

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN I'm working on it..

AUDIENCE: What about that Indiana Jones script?

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN I'm working on it..

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: I'm ready to tell you my secret now.

BRUCE WILLIS: Oh, joy. I can hardly wait. Let me do two backflips to show my excitement. I'm DEAD in this part. Please kill me.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Stop being ironic so I can tell you my fucking secret! By the way, you should try bathing. You smell like a corpse.

BRUCE WILLIS: I'm working on it. What's your secret?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: I enjoyed "Wing Commander".

BRUCE WILLIS:....

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Kidding! But that would be pretty fucked up. I actually see dead people.

BRUCE WILLIS: Right. And I should care why?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Because you couldn't save little Donnie Wahlberg from killing himself and kill..shooting you. It should make you want to help me. It's called character development, dickhead.

BRUCE WILLIS: How often do you see dead people?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: All the time. Just the other day Chris Farley tried to steal my burger.

BRUCE WILLIS: Does Don Swayze ever come to you?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: He's not actually dead, Bruce.

BRUCE WILLIS: I know, but he often comes to young actors, if you know what I mean. Nudge.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: No, not really.

BRUCE WILLIS: He's gay. So is Keanu Reeves, Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Sorry, just had to purge my soul. I'm sure they'd kill me if they knew I'd told you. LOL.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: I'm going now. The stench is overpowering and you frighten me.

BRUCE WILLIS: Why are we here?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: I have to do a favor for a dead girl.

BRUCE WILLIS: Even when they're dead, they have a hold on you. LOL. Why are we REALLY here?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: To look deep and meaningful.

BRUCE WILLIS: Something troubles me.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Is it the fact that this plot is moving like an Octogenarian on laxatives?

BRUCE WILLIS: No.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Is it because you can't wear a white vest, blow shit up and have had to talk to my puny ass for 90 minutes?

BRUCE WILLIS: No, but that is indeed worrying. It's Chris Klein.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Chris Klein?!111

BRUCE WILLIS: Yes. I watched that movie "Here On Earth" and frankly the guy disturbs me.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Yeah, did you see when he was talking to the cows?

BRUCE WILLIS: What a douchebag. Anyway, time to act spooky again.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Hocus pocus. Exaggerated dialogue. Stupid expressions and other cliches.

SHERYL CROWE: Hey son, you're really fucking weird you know that?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Yes. But I see dead people.

SHERYL CROWE: I love you, but how can you see dead people?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Ever since I drank that toilet cleaner, I've been seeing all kinds of shit. Rocky Dennis is standing outside my window.

SHERYL CROWE: Sure he is.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: He is. He's telling me that he died because his head grew too big. He doesn't want you to be sad.

ROCKY DENNIS: Wait a minute. I thought you were Cher. I'm sorry. I'm off to Europe to ride my motorcycle. By the way, Bruce Willis is dead.

SHERYL CROWE: What's he saying?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: He's glad he's dead since he's an ugly bastard, and no-one discriminates against him in Heaven.

SHERYL CROWE: Sure.

BRUCE WILLIS: Look, how about we just call it a truce? I promise I'll spend more time with you.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS:....

BRUCE WILLIS: I chopped off my penis.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS:....

BRUCE WILLIS: This joke has really gone cold.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS:....

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Did you know my Mom in this movie is Sheryl Crowe?

BRUCE WILLIS: She's not Sheryl Crowe. They just share a similar sense of white trash ho-dom. By the way, I know my wife's a bit on the weird side, but she hasn't talked to me in a whole year. I was discussing the finer details of "She's All That" the other night and she never even budged. It was like I wasn't even there. I've also discovered scales where there were no scales before and I can walk through doors now. I wonder what could be wrong.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: I don't know, but I SEE DEAD PEOPLE.

BRUCE WILLIS: I know, you selfish little prick. We're talking about me now. Why do you think people are ignoring me?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: If there was one man in a shop and he was you, I'd say he was dead.

BRUCE WILLIS: Whoa, deep.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: They say the dead don't know they're really dead.

BRUCE WILLIS: I'm sure.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: You seem pretty dead to me.

BRUCE WILLIS: Gee, thanks. I'll know where to come when I'm looking for compliments.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT: Look, you dumb mook, you are dead. Now go away, leave me alone and start blowing shit up again.

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN I really am a genius.

The End