Let's kick off this series of profiles by looking at the category of:

Favorite 90210 Dads

The first one up is definitely one of my favorite parents on the show……Rush Sanders. I mean c'mon, his name was RUSH; a name which obviously had to be symbolic. Most people might be led to believe that the symbolism lies in the fact that "Rush" was Steve's fast paced, go-getting Dad. I tend to believe however that the name Rush was more representative for the "rush" of excitement that came over me whenever this douchebag appeared on screen. Watching Rush in action, gave me as a viewer, a deep insight as to where Steve inherited his total propensity to be a complete jackass. Let's take a look at some of Rush's finer moments.

-- Letting Steve believe that he was adopted rather than telling him that he was really his father; and his birth mother was just some random woman he had an affair with. He was denying being his own son's father for the sake of his own reputation. Classy move. Why didn't he just kick Steve in the nuts and laugh at him while screaming, "Go lose another girl to Brandon you sack of shit!"

-- Doesn't every fraternity have a legendary alumni come back to coach the intramural football team? Nope…just the KEG house. Not only did this jerkoff show up to "coach" an intramural team; he had the audacity to give Steve shit about Brandon being on the team. I guess to Rush, the value of KEG brotherhood outweighs the countless times Brand-o bailed his son's ass out of trouble. Strangely enough, all of the guys in the fraternity thought it was cool having a KEG intamural legend like Rush Sanders around. The sad part is, this was supposedly the wildest fraternity on campus. I'm sorry, but Wormser and Lamar doing morning exercises in their underwear in Revenge of the Nerds, was wilder than this bunch of toolboxes. I guess someday if I have a son; and he pledges the fraternity I was in, I'm going to throw on the old fraternity letters and coach the two activities that I excelled at in college: Beirut (beer pong) and pulling five foot bong hits without even coming close to coughing.

(quick note: If anybody happens to have this episode on tape; watch the one segue between scenes where Rush demonstrates the play action pass. It's absolutely priceless.)

--Last but not least, Mr. Sanders owned a building that housed a sweatshop clothing factory. He then convincingly lied to Donna the Crusader, that he had no idea it was there. Taking into account that a photographer in Paris once convinced Donna she had a big future in modeling; it wasn't that difficult to pull the wool over her eyes. I wonder if the sweatshop had an intramural flag football team?

On an entertainment level scale of 1-10 -- the guest panel of International Judges gives Rush Sanders entertainment value a solid rating of 7…. The score would have been higher, but for some reason the Iranian judge gave a score of 0, soley based on the fact that Randy Spelling played another one of Rush's children, Ryan. When asked why Randy Spelling playing Rush's son had such a negative effect on his vote, the judge had this to say: "Randy Spelling just shouldn't be on television. I think he would be better suited to be a counselor at a camp for the blind." He then proceeded to unbutton his shirt to reveal a black t-shirt underneath that had "Moustache Rides" printed across the front of it. Needless to say, I told the Iranian Judge that his services would no longer be necessary. As security physically removed him, he began screaming, "I'll trade you a Steve Garvey for a Rube Walker." Call me harsh, but there is just no place for Iranians, that are obsessed with the movie Mask, and have a vendetta against the Spelling family on my guest panel of judges. The nullification of the Iranian's vote makes Rush Sanders official score rise to an even more impressive 8.

BONUS W-D SIDE STORY

When I originally wrote this article last year for X-Entertainment, I honestly looked for like three hours for a picture of Mel Silver. Upon striking out big time, I enlisted Matt's help to try and locate one. He too had no luck. In an effort to help him, I mentioned that his real name is Matthew Laurence and he has a twin brother Mitchell who appeared on the old HBO show, "Not Necessarily the News". Matt replied, "Well you've sure done your research on the man."... to which I replied, "Research? That came straight from my annals of knowledge, dude." It was at this point that Matt told me to never come back to X-E... even as just a reader.

Back to the show...

The other father on this list is easily one of my favorite characters on the show overall. Let's take a look at the resident, playboy dentist of Beverly Hills…Dr. Mel Silver. In my extensive research on Mel, I came across this "X-E Exclusive" transcript of a first season scene that ended up on the cutting room floor.

(Episode: 16 Scene 53: The setting: Silver Household-Mel enters David's bedroom)

Mel: "David, could you stop dancing and take off the headphones. I need to talk to you."

David: "Make it quick Dad. I was just getting ready to go out and stalk Kelly Taylor for a little while."

Mel: "David, have you ever been curious as to why you have never seen your father show anything even resembling an emotion in your lifetime?"

David: "I used to wonder about that. Then I saw the show Small Wonder and I realized with your lack of emotion and monotone voice, that you were probably just a robot like Vicki."

Mel: "I'm not a robot David. The truth is I used to be pretty much like you when I was younger. I had the ability to laugh, to cry, and to change the tone of my voice. I was your typical happy-go-lucky kid."

David: "What happened to you?"

Mel: "I was afflicted with the "Silver Family Curse". It's a hereditary condition that starts in the teenage years. With each passing year, you gradually lose the ability to feel or show any type of emotion whatsoever. By the time you reach your early-mid twenties you will be a lifeless shell of a human being just like me. David, enjoy your youth. Have as much fun as possible while you still can because you don't have much time left."

David: "Wait a minute. What about Grandpa? He's still fun. All of my friends loved him when we were at his and Grandma's house last weekend."

Mel: "Be realistic…. your grandfather has a hot tub. It's almost impossible to dislike a man with a hot tub. Oh and as for "your friends"? If I could laugh right now, I would. Face it David, the only reason they let you tag along is to keep Donna occupied, so they don't get stuck having to talk to her. Don't feel bad though, it could be worse. You could have gotten stuck being the token Jew like Andrea Zuckerman did."

David: "We're Jewish?"

Mel: "Only when the plot calls for us to be. Any other questions while I'm here?"

David: "Yeah…. How does a balding, boring, middle-aged man with the charisma of Rain Man, manage to have so many extra-marital affairs?"

Mel: "That's a good question. How about you grab your coat and video camera and I'll tell you the answer on the way to Kelly's house."

David: "Can we stop at the Peach Pit for a Mega-burger before you drop me off?"

Mel: "I'm afraid we can't. For some reason, Nat and I are not allowed to ever appear in a scene together."

(End Scene 53)

This scene definitely helps shed a little light into exactly why Mel had an emotional range that in comparison makes Ben Stein look like Dom DeLuise in "Cannonball Run" outtakes. Actually, I made that whole "lost" scene up. The truth is that Mel showed no emotion because he really just didn't give a shit about anything or anyone. Let's look at some examples:

-- He threw a pre-party and served champagne to a group of underage teenagers before their prom. This blatant disregard for the childrens safety was the catalyst for the whole "Donna Martin Graduates!" fiasco. When Felice Martin confronted him as to why he would serve her underage daughter alcohol, he displayed a level of remorse equivalent to a pride of lions feasting on a zebra in a Discovery Channel documentary. I bet he cared more about the tux rental shop charging him to remove puke stains than whether Donna would be allowed to graduate with her class.

-- Another memorable Mel moment occurred right after his father died, leaving David a sizable inheritance that included his treasured, classic car. His father had just died, yet Mel was more upset by the fact that David inherited the car that he himself had never even been allowed to drive once. With a son like Mel, it doesn't take a psychologist to analyze why he left almost everything to his grandson. I say almost everything, because a little known fact is that Ray Pruit received a check for a thousand dollars from Grandpa Silver after he died. In the memo section of that check, it read: "For acting out my fantasy of knocking Donna Martin down a flight of stairs."

-- These examples pale in comparison though, to the way he reacted upon finding out that his daughter Erin had disappeared. David, in the midst of coming down off of a speed binge, had "fallen asleep" on a park bench while babysitting his little sister. Young Erin, who had the mental capacity of a second trimester fetus, saw this as her opportunity to wander off in search of a mother who didn't cut her baby powder up into lines before applying it. After finding out his daughter was missing, Mel arrives at the house and proceeds to argue with Jackie about their custody battle. He then proceeds to totally overlook the fact that maybe falling asleep while babysitting a toddler is one notch below having "Drug Problem" tattooed on your forehead on the subtlety scale. Instead of realizing his son has a problem, he just bitches at David for being irresponsible. Oh, and as for his missing daughter, Mel was totally content to sit back and let the police look for her. Why? He didn't give a shit…that's why. Personally, I've shown more concern and put forth more effort to find a missing television remote, than Mel exerted for his missing daughter.

On the entertainment level scale, the panel all sat there speechless unanimously awarding Mel Silver a perfect score of 10! The silence was finally broken when the Israeli judge said, "He has his own medical practice; his last name is a type of jewelry; and he is boring as hell…. That is quite simply the most accurate portrayal of a middle-aged Jewish man I have ever seen!

(It was later learned that the Israeli judge was really the Iranian judge who was thrown out earlier. It seems he snuck back in wearing a yamulke and ended several sentences with "Ya schmuck.". This poor excuse for a "disguise" surprisingly worked. I caught up with the U.S. judge and asked him how he could not notice, that the Israeli judge, looked identical to the Iranian judge who was removed by security earlier in the day. "Hey dude, when it comes to being around people from the Middle East, it's all the same. I avoid eye contact and try to breathe through my mouth.", he was quoted as saying.)

BONUS W-D MATERIAL

You know, when I originally wrote this over a year ago, I caught a sizable amount of flack for neglecting the 90210 Dad who easily logged the most screen time. I'm talking about none other than the man whose sperm spawned the two most annoying fraternal twins in the history of television... Jim Walsh.

You know, sometimes I lay awake at night wondering, "I bet at least once, Jim thought to himself, "Why the hell did we move to Beverly Hills?"". It's at this point that I realize I'm demented and take drugs to ease the pain of having a mind like mine.

Seriously though, all good ol' Jim did was try and build a better life for his children by accepting a high paying position in Beverly Hills. He uprooted the family from nice quiet Minnesota and moved into a cestpool of superficial people and bratty teenagers.

At the beginning of the show's run, Brandon and Brenda were normal, average teenagers trying to adjust to life in new surroundings. By the middle of the season, Brandon had become Nat's gay little gopher boy and Brenda had become bitchy and abusive.

You want the perfect example of a day in the life of Jim Walsh. Here you go:

Due to a flood at the Taylor residence, Mel and Jackie's impending nuptials needed a new venue. Now lord knows, Mel Silver wasn't going to offer to have the wedding at his house... cause that would just make too much sense. Luckily, Brandon the Crusader came to the rescue and offered Kelly to have the wedding at the Walsh residence.

Upon telling his parents what he had "offered", Jim and Cindy both react accordingly... basically giving the, "Brandon.. are you fucking insane?" reaction that the viewers were also having. Cindy's in agreement with Jim that they aren't going to host somebody else's wedding on one day's notice... until Cindy gets a phone call from Jackie Taylor, thanking them for offering to host their wedding. Of course, Cindy being Cindy, caved in and told Jackie that they would accomodate them. Jim of course reacts with the, "Cindy... are you fucking insane?" type of look that all of the viewers are feeling.

To top it all off, this whole ordeal takes place during the whole "Brenda is forbidden to see Dylan" saga... and he has to deal with Brenda giving him shit because Dylan doesn't feel welcome at the wedding. Good. Great. That's a headache Jim doesn't need on this day. But what does Cindy do? She writes Dylan a note telling him to come to the wedding and things are just going to take time to mend between he and Jim. This wedding might be a good starting point she informs him.

So sure enough, Dylan accepts the invitation and comes over to the Walsh household, where he interrupts Jim, who was at the time trying to ignore the tons of people in his house setting up for this wedding... and trying to sit back, relax and watch some basketball on television.

Of course, since Jim had nothing to do with inviting Dylan over... his stance on the matter of Mr. McKay dating Brenda is still a firm.. NO. So the obligatory Dylan/Jim Walsh fight takes place in which the phrase "I don't want you in charge of my money anymore!" is uttered for about the billionth time that season.

You gotta feel for Jim Walsh.

Then later on that night, Jim approaches Dylan to try and make amends a little bit and McKay totally goes off on him, goading him to take a swing at him. Jim, being the standup guy that he is, doesn't beat the living shit out of Mr. Cool right there and then. As Dylan reaches for a bottle of booze, Jim makes a comment about him reaching for alcohol in times of trouble... and Dylan reacts by throwing the bottle and smashing it into the house... then running away and driving off... which of course leads Brenda to say, "What did you say to him!?" for the billionth time that season.

So to add it up. Brandon offers the Walsh home for a wedding... and Brenda offers to add to the misery by having Dylan over solely to piss him off.

You gotta feel for Jim Walsh.

Is it a coincidence that the perfect example of how Jim's kids tortured him just happened to be from an episode I caught on FX last week? Nah. ;)

On an entertainment level scale, the panel of international judges gave Jim solid 6. When I asked the Italian judge why he only had given Jim a 3, he looked at me and said, "Whaddayou lookin at, huh?"... so I wisely backed off.

Gratuitous picture of Nat