Well wonder no more!

There's Nothin' Our Site Can't Fix (for ya baby)

For you see, the time is upon us at Whatever-Dude to give you, the readers, your shot at the glory of appearing on Whatever-Dude's main board. If you somehow DEFEAT the Iron Chef, you will win the ovation of the crowd and fame forever.

Starting at 6 a.m. EST on Monday morning and ending at 6 p.m. EST on Friday evening of each week... we will be accepting submissions from readers to be voted on by the kind and friendly staff of W-D.

The best sample from each week will be awarded the top prize of being featured on the brand spankin' new:

Super Saturday Sample Fun Day with Extra 1's Added To the End To Make It Funny!!111

Guys... have you ever been afraid to ask out the girl that you think is a little out of your league? Well, nothing says I'm really good in the sack and you should go out with me quite like being able to send your crush an e-mail linking her to your work on Whatever-Dude.

Ladies... You know that guy that you see at work or school everyday that gives you that special tingly feeling? Well.. he could be yours... all you need is an article on Whatever-Dude... and chances are he won't be able to resist you. Hell, he might even show up at your door and do a one man performance of the backstreet Boys' "I Want it That Way"... just for you!!!

You can't win if you don't enter... so c'mon what have you got to lose??

Your entry can be about anything you want, including but not limited to games, television, movies, celebrities, music, or a location. But hell, if you want to write about how Hacksaw Jim Duggan's brave battle with cancer helped you overcome adversity and begin hitting people upside the head with a 2 X 4, by all means, go right ahead tough guy. USA!

Send your samples to: samples@whatever-dude.com

And since he's one of B's friends, here's the winner to star things off, "Knowledge is Good" by Paul Ankerich.

USA! USA! USA!

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert L. Frost

Dear Reader,

B, the wondrous feathered friend of humanity, once said to me, "Write an article for my website. Do this and I shall grant you three wishes. Do not and I shall cleft thine balls from thine wang." In actuality, Brandon has said no such thing to me (and he, hopefully, never will). Let us imagine, though, if I did have three wishes. "What would they be," I ask myself.

"The first would be for a copy of Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves on DVD."

"Really, Self? I always liked that film because, in spite of Kevin Costner’s American accent and flagrant use of ass-photography, Morgan Freeman manages to shine and bring dignity to the role of Robin’s moor companion."

"The second would be X-ray vision."

"Ooooh, you like to look a naked women TOO, eh Self? You old dog."

"The third would be a profound, resolute college education."

"A profound, resolute college education." I never cease to amaze myself. Or, at least, my self never ceases to amaze I.

Everything has been leading up to college in my life. The same applies to the majority of the graduating high school class of 2001. Back when I was a wee lad, plowing my He-Man Big-Wheel into trash cans and catching lizards outside of my grandmother’s house (yesterday), my father sat down and told me, "Son, you’re going to college to meet girls and get an education. And we’re going to Chik-Fil-A for supper." Well, I probably don’t even need to tell you this, but when a statement so profound such as that is pressed upon a young man such as myself, stress accumulates. "What if my SATs aren’t good enough? What if I totally dick out on my AP Government exam and scribble huge anarchy symbols all over the essay portion due to the sheer accidental nature of my boredom? What if ... the X-Men lost Inferno?!?!?!?!"

So with unrelenting pressure racking my brain I turn here in the hope that some profound, resolute explanation will present itself amongst the madness.

Well, to be totally honest, it’s not as bad as it is stressful. The idea that the halcyon days of my youth were gone before I knew that I had them troubles me. The idea that in two months I’ll be sharing a room with Tanner Stone makes me just want to lie in my bed for as long as possible. I admit to having been pampered most of my life. I haven’t been pampered in the sense that I compete in the equestrian at St. Holy Cunt-Mary’s Prep School, or wear scarves that match my woolen sweater vest. I mean pampered in that I’m middle class and have never lived in the same room with another person in my entire life. Pampered, to me, means that mom always put the straw in my carton of Ecto-Cooler for me or that dad never made me pay for my Number One value meal, value-sized with a Coke.

The idea that after all this time - after a childhood of never having to worry about anything other than eating Count Chocula or blueberry waffles for breakfast - I am faced with little more than the prospect of taking a gigantic leap of faith into the great wide open ... scares me a little.

How do we seem to you? Do you find us beautiful, magical? Our white skin, our fierce eyes? "Eat my Cereal" you ask me, do you have any idea of the thing you will become?

I’m not alone, either; change is hardly an entirely pleasant experience for anybody. Neither is being hit in the head with a lead pipe, nor does cracking your chin open while trying to slide down an aisle at Wal-Mart on a giant, fish-shaped pillow in an attempt to impress your prom date equate to happiness. Yet all three are characteristics of growing up - of losing one’s innocence (lots of blood, too). So why go to such agonizing lengths - just to go to college?

1.) So I won’t end up like the fat, dumbass kid who always screws up your order at Subway. Damnit, you’re ALWAYS standing right in front of the little bastard - yet still, you ALWAYS have to say, "Did I ORDER mayonnaise? DID I ORDER BANANA PEPPERS? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? NO! My Roasted Chicken has been in the microwave for THREE minutes, already! Put the knife down! No! No! AHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! The blood! Look at all the blood! And you’re not even wearing gloves!"

Looks like it's BURGERTIME for Jared Fogle. Run, fat ass, run!

2.) Maybe it’s because I’d have to join the military. I might even get to see the day where we have interplanetary marines, and they bring back these horrible face-hugger aliens that impregnate you with little chest-burster xenomorphs, and Private Hudson bursts into the room, and the next thing you know, IT’S GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER! WE’RE IN SOME REAL PRETTY SHIT NOW, MAN! WHAT DO WE DO?! WHAT DO WE DO?! Then they come out from under the floor and drag you down with them, and there’s more screaming, and ... ugh.

DO YOU APES WANNA LIVE FOREVER?

3.) The possibility of having to constantly see Kevin Costner’s bare ass with my X-ray vision, even as he’s doing super-cool things like shooting flaming arrows at people or catapulting himself over castle walls.

Kevin Costner's bare ass without my X-ray vision.

Because I, like so many of my peers, have made that horrid and grievous error of setting goals for life. I used to think that when my father told me that I was going to college, I should have kicked him in the nuts - right then and there - and run off to the wild frontier with the hope of eating wild huckleberries, getting into adventures, discovering my purpose in life, etc. But what else is college? "I’ve been worried over nothing. I think that I love you, so what am I so afraid of," I ask myself.

"A love that there is no cure for?"

College isn’t even the big picture, but right now it’s the only picture. I have never been as scared or so stressed in my life as I am right now. But I have never been as excited, nor as curious as to what the future holds.

"Boo" Berry College

So, as I say goodbye to my friends of thirteen years, or as I revel in the hilarity and romance of my youthful pursuit of the fairer sex while I depart the slow southern town of Dallas, Georgia to pass through the Gate of Opportunity at Berry College this fall, I may not have my innocence, or whatever, but I will at least know that I am only going in the nature of things. After all, I certainly won’t be alone. After all, nothing gold can stay.

- Paul Ankerich
NotYoMoma2K@yahoo.com