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My 5 Favorite Real World Moments

posted by Dave on 7/02/01

In conjunction with the 10th Anniversary of MTV's Real World, I feel *obligated to write an article pertaining to the pop cultural phenomenon of the past decade.

* by obligated I mean brainwashed by MTV over the past week of non-stop Real World specials, marathons, etc... to write about something that MTV has the balls to try and sell as a program with social significance.

I'll be the first to admit, that the Real World does indeed have some entertainment value. It's like watching a naked midget doing jumping jacks... you have no idea why you can't take your eyes off of it. I've seen every Real World episode from every season at least *10x... and I honestly feel like I know some of these people better than members of my own family.

* by 10x I really mean more like 25x... but admitting I've seen each episode at least 10x is pathetic enough as it is.

Back in the day, when I actually met the age criteria to appear on the show, each year I would write down that Bunim-Murray address to send a tape in to. I never actually had the balls to go through with it... because the little voice in the back of my head always told me, "Knowing your luck, you would probably make the cut.".

I always envisioned some of my drunken college antics and how they would translate after being played 1000x and people knowing them by heart.

Moments like my 21st birthday party where after successfully doing my twenty one shots and hanging out and drinking beers afterwards; a friend of a guy in my fraternity's younger sister came up to me... and I politely asked her to leave my party, claiming, "I don't care who you know here...You're about as cute as my asshole... Get out.".... or the time that I was visiting some friends down at Rutgers and a girl came up to my car window to tell us of a good party we should go to and I classily replied, "Thanks a lot... Nice breasts.". Moments like this I think would've made me want to crawl in a hole and die, if I ever saw them on television over and over again.

So I never made an audition tape, rather choosing to let other people make complete morons of themselves for the world to see. At the 10th Anniversary Special, MTV showed what it claimed to be the 5 Favorite Real World Moments as voted on by viewers at MTV.com.

I don't think I have the same sense of humor when it comes to the majority of Americans... I take pleasure in the smaller, less acknowledged moments, rather than the ones that most people find the most memorable. For example, most people tend to remember Puck sticking his finger in Pedro's peanut butter... and while that is a funny confrontation, I'm more likely to get a kick out of a simple scene of watching Judd blow dry his hair.

So with that in mind, I present to you My Top 5 Favorite Real World Moments

#5


You called Stephen a Hooomo?!

The Real World Seattle had many memorable moments, including what MTV likes to call "The Slap Heard Round the World", in which Stephen mistook Irene for a Raggedy Ann doll and bitchslapped her as she rode shotgun on her way out of the house. Now while that is indeed a memorable moment, I personally enjoy opening day in the season of "Irene's Descent into Lyme Diseased Madness".

Now I've known people that have gotten lyme disease before. One of our pledges had it one time.. and all it meant was that because of his medication, he couldn't drink...so while his pledge brothers were in a circle trying valiantly to kick a keg, he was in the middle doing push ups into an appetizing plate of dog food. Never once, did he pull the strange shit that Irene pulled.


These drugs for lyme disease are outfuckinstanding!

It all started off with Irene going bucknutty and cleaning the apartment claiming that it was symbolic of her getting her life in order. Then she proceeded to go off ona rant how Janet should go to med school and interpreted one of Nathan's dreams, all in the matter of a few minutes. Whether she was on coke, speed, crystal meth, it didn't matter. Lyme disease was the issue here and that's a lot more PC friendly than what the fact of the matter was... Irene had a fuckin drug problem.

That's what I really want to see on the Real World. I wanna see a casual drug user who is unapologetic about it. For example, I think it would be great to see a guy that writes for a pop culture website blowing a few lines and writing an article.. and then waking up the next afternoon, clicking on the site, and reading an article he didn't even remember writing the night before. Let's say perhaps, a rant about how television has changed over the past few decades.

#4


My Genesisismisms are pure genius!!

Now while most people remember the Real World Boston for Montana running around on the beach in her granny underpants and hooking up with guys who just did it to get on television... my favorite Real World moment from that season has to have been when Genesis had her "epiphany" and realized that she could no longer stay silent and anti-social. Instead she had to become a strong woman and do what every woman has to do at some point in their life... freak out in a display of irrational behavior.

She proceeded to write down and then stick on the walls of the house... some of the most cliche' and hackneyed expressions of all time... and attribute them to herself as Genesisisms!!

Here are a few examples of some of the Genesisisms:

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - Genesis

"Winning isn't everything... it's the only thing." - Genesis

"I had a dream..." - Genesis

"I get knocked down but I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
I get knocked down but I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
I get knocked down but I get up again
You're never going to keep me down

Pissing the night away
Pissing the night away

He drinks a whisky drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
He drinks a cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him of the better times:

Oh Danny Boy, Danny Boy, Danny Boy..."" - Genesis

"I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, Oh Lord" - Phil Collins

#3


Sean: "Hey Pedro, this one has nothing to do with us."
Pedro: "Take your finger out of my peanut butter, LOL!!1"

Now while most people remember the Real World Miami for Mike having the threesome with the waitress and his roommate, Melissa... or for ugly Flora wearing outfits that made my penis start to cry... my favorite moment from this season had to have been the little confrontation between Dan ande Melissa.

Little did Melissa know that opening an envelope with some slides in it was going to lead to a Celebrity Superfight Main Event!!! (nod)...

This argument was great because we got to see for a good five minutes, Dan's blood boiling... and we knew that once Melissa walked through the door, that the crap was gonna hit the air conditioning.

Dan went on the offensive right away, singing Missy Elliott's "Get Your Freak On" until Melissa's ears started to bleed. Wait, no. That's not what happened.

Dan went on the offensive right away by bending over, spreading his ass cheeks and screaming, "Artie's penis goes in here!!!". Wait, no. That's not what happened.

What did happen was Dan confronted Melissa about opening his envelope and when she retorted, "Excuse me?"... he replied by mocking her girly Spanish tone of voice with the classic, "Ecksyuuse me?".

Then after a couple of seconds of bickering and getting nowhere, Dan fired what MTV likes to call, "The Yell Heard Round the World!".. by screaming, "Was it yours to open.. you stupid bitch!!

This of course led Melissa to call Dan both a flamer and a faggot in the span of about ten seconds. Dan disputed these nasty words by putting his hand to his mouth and opening his eyes really wide, like a complete homosexual.

#2


"Stop laughing, Pam. Big deal if Pedro beat me in a foot race. I'm gonna live longer.

Oh, San Francisco. So many memories. Snot rockets. Defiled jars of peanut butter. Judd and Pedro playing soccer in the middle of an open field. Mohammed wearing that shirt with the sunflowers on it everyday.... but my favorite moment has to do with Rachel.

As I watched her climb the cliff to dive.. I just knew something was gonna happen. Of course, this probably had to do with the fact that I had already seen this episode thirty five times.

Rachel's little cliff diving "accident" is made only the funnier, by the fact that MTV cuts to commercial, to build up the tension of her looking like a complete retard as she tries to hold onto the tree and then plummets into the water, only to resurface looking like a scared puppy dog.

Makes me laugh everytime.

.... and drumroll please

#1


Dude, I never felt your flow. Sorry.

The Real 7 at 7 on Channel 77 makes me Want to Slit My Wrists 777 times.

In New Orleans, we had a horse-faced Mormon named Julie; a Supafly Christian guy named Matt; a blond piece of ass named Kelley; a wannabe Zen dooder named Jamie; A girl named Melissa who could have kissed three asses at once; adorable gay Danny; and the most unintentionally funny black man on the planet named David.

Have these seven people create the intro for a television show starring them... explaining a little bit about themselves... and you have comic gold!!

The true highlights of this intro video are as follows:

Melissa making an unfunny joke about how all of her problems in life are "yeast" related and when the camera cuts to her watching it... she's the only one laughing. Hey, at least she made one person laugh.

Kelley totally pulling the "I'm hot but I want to be taken seriously for my brains" route by saying that she admires Oprah Winfrey. (a woman who can only be admired for the fact that she preys on housewives with nothing better to do than listen to her shill a "Book of the Month". Way to go Oprah! You're a genius.)

Julie doing her little punch, kicky thing towards the camera and then skateboarding while showing her Mormon horse teeth.

"Supafly" Matt doing a dance that can only be described this way:

"Have you ever seen the Saved by the Bell episode where Zack dumps the ants down the back of Slater's shirt and he gets up and does that little "itchy" dance? Well, Matt's dance makes that look like a Kid n' Play routine in comparison."

But the end all be all of Real World funny moments, has to be David's little "Come on Be My Baby Tonight" scat. The emotion, the passion, the nonsensical "Shoobeedooowhyy" lyrics. It all adds up to one of the funniest things ever. Danny puts it best when he's like, "David with his shirt off.. David standing next to expensive cars that don't belong to him.. It's like a bad rap video.". Nevermind the fact that it totally doesn't fit at all with anybody else's portion of the video... and David's incessant belief that, "People out there who feel his flow will understand every word he said.".

Thanks to a good friend of mine, Ryan Canney, for writing me an e-mail a long time ago, that helped me understand what questions he was answering:

1. Where are you from?
Come on be my baby tonight

2. Age?
Come on be my baby tonight

3. Interests?
Schoody doo be bop sha-bang

4. College?
Come on be my baby tonight

5. What do you think of new orleans?
Come on be my baby tonight

Thanks Ryan, it's all so clear to me now.

... and thank you Real World... for taking so many hours of my life away from me. You bastards!!

Dave
dave@whatever-dude.com
"Could you get the phone?" -Heather B.


Somebody make him a martyr. Please?


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