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The Unapologetic Katherine Heigl Tribute Gallery

posted by B on 7/06/01





The objectification of Katherine Heigl. Click the images above to see the full image. Moving on.

A brief history of the crimes perpetrated by Katherine Heigl:

Crime #1 The Film "My Father The Hero."

Remember back in 1994 when they played commercials for this, and you got those close-up shots of Gérard Dépardieu looking all hook-nosed and ugly and French? Hopefully you've erased the tragedy of Dépardieu's face from your consciousness (or you're using a walker to move around now, from the pain), but do you remember the shots of his daughter in the commercial walking around in a thong, with the ass that just wouldn't quit? And I don't mean normal "wouldn't quit," I mean "wouldn't quit even if her ass was full of French people" wouldn't quit. This was Heigl's first big starring role, which is made memorable for the fact that the movie is about a daughter pretending that she is fucking her Dad. The box says it's HILARIOUS!

Crime #2 The Film "Bug Buster"

This is a movie about giant cockroaches who mate with people and then eat their way out. It stars Randy Quaid and Star Trek's George Takei. Katherine plays the lodge owner’s daughter who becomes romantically involved with the local bad boy in town. The only way this movie could be worse is if it featured extensive widescreen shots of Tom Arnold dry humping the lifeless carcass of David Allen Grier. Then it would be called "McHale's Navy" and would break the laws of physics so Comedy Central could play it 10,000 times an hour.

Crime #3 The Film...can I call it that? "Bride of Chucky"

Katherine stars as Jade, the mysterious ninja commanded by Shao Khan to...ah, fuck it, I never saw Bride of Chucky but her name really was "Jade," and the movie was about people being manipulated by crazy childrens toys. That's what she gets for messing with Big Poppa Pump. Anyway, in my mind "Bride of Chucky" is a lot like watching my family be slowly tortured and killed, only with less mental anguish for me to suffer through. Fans of "Bride of Chucky" should also rent "Puppetmaster 234: The Puppetting" and the movie where they send the Leprechaun into space.

Crime #4 The WB Hit Teen Assfest "Roswell"

Ah Roswell, the only show on Television cool enough to have Dido sing it's theme song. It seems that these Alien Life Forms (or, "ALFs") have come to the Third Rock from the Sun to learn about the So-Called Lives of America's pretentious teenager demographic. I was Charmed to find out that these Angels from space had all sorts of Freaky and Geeky problems, just like the rest of us. The WB is so original. I wish they'd bring back Homeboys in Outer Space. It was like the Wayans Brothers only...IN SPACE! WORD-EM UP!

Crime #5 Everything else she's ever done.

Heigl's body of work watches like a Faces of Death tape. At any time you expect to see the paratrooper float down into the alligator's mouth. From the Denise Richards Common-Senses Shattering teen slasher epic "Valentine" to Renaissance fairy crap like "Prince Valiant," Katherine tests the limit of what America will go through to check out a hot chick. After all, no actress in Hollywood should look for respectable work without having "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory" on her resume.

In this world of gender equality, sometimes it pays to objectify a girl. That way you don't have to put up with all the fucking baggage.

b
swan@whatever-dude.com
AIM NotAGoonie
I cannot breeeeeeeeeathe until you visit retroCRUSH


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