This Week's Reader Submission Contest Winner #1: B's Pick
posted by B on 7/07/01
Editor's Note - Remember, if you want to see your work broadcast to the trembling masses on W-D, send in your samples to firstname.lastname@example.org! It's like sex, only MORE FUN. Even more fun than sex with my girl Drew, Cam Ron Dee and Destiny!!1 Not as fun as Charlie's Angels, though. The rock they rock-ing? THEY BOUGHT IT.
Moving on. Our first reader submission contest winner, "Paper Mario" by Mike Iacono. Why did he win? Because B is his favorite columnist, that's why! Ha ha, you thought this was based on talent, DIDN'T YOU! It's the person who feeds my raging ego that wins the day! Screw you, conventional logic and sense of fairness!
Just kidding. OR AM I.
Ahhh, at long last, after weeks of reveling in the reading goodness of all that is Whatever-Dude.com, not to mention sending one to many IM's to my personal favorite columnist, B., I, the fanatical reader, have been allotted the chance to give the whole column writing process a whack, or two, or three or four, or however many it takes to bust the proverbial nut and spew column goodness all over the Internet. INDEED. In any case, I, Mike, present to you, the Whatever-Dude.com Gods, and hopefully, to you, the readers, my column.
Read with caution.
On a side note: After spending around two hours composing this article the first time, God rightfully punished me for bothering B. throughout the whole process and erased the whole e-mail. After logging offline and hurling obscenities at the computer, I deftly put an axe through the monitor and CPU. Luckily, before I could claim the keyboard as well, I came to my senses and moved to the downstairs computer to compose this, my second and most frustrating whack. I hope you like this.
One more side note: After finishing the article a second fucking time, my login to Yahoo expired and I lost the e-mail. My depression has hit a new low and I have just injected the Paper Mario cartridge directly into my vein. I'd like to die, but I've come this far and to turn back would mean instant death. Woe is me.
When I decided to write the article, I racked my little brain to think of what to write about. While my first impulse was to choose something I hate, such as that Survivor chick's acting in The Animal (which was bad enough to disturb my REM cycle for a week), dip it in sarcasm and rake up extra points for my obscenity laden insults. However, after wiping the blood from my eyes after my latest 10 hour dose of Paper Crack (known in Japan as the sequel to Mario RPG), I decided to make it about something I love, Paper Mario.
Despite the barrage of complaints hurled like, and not holding much more weight than, feces from a group of apes, Paper Mario manages to deliver, despite 2D graphics and a childlike storyline, a superb RPG, loaded with tons of items, customizable character options, huge amounts of abilities, unique characters, loads of Mario throwbacks, intriguing side quests and more party members than you can wave a herring at. Just to name a few. Dudes, this game reeks of awesomeness. And if you've tried the game and don't like it, have fun playing Tomb Raider 7 somewhere in the seventh circle of Hell.
The Story: In "Mario beats up Bowser to save the Princess who isn't gonna give him any anyway: Volume 8756", Princess Peach, the only native human in a land of talking fungus and flying turtles, decides to throw a party and naturally, brother humping Mario, and his bitch Luigi are invited, supposedly for the sole purpose of Peach flaunting her moldy twat at them which they can never have anyway. Now, despite being kidnapped and raped by the same fucking lizard a thousand times over, Peach is obviously to cheap to drop 50 coins so Iggy the Giant Koopa can drag his two ton shell over to her castle and act as security for one night. Halfway through the mushroom orgy, Bowser, totally unexpectedly
sarcasm, swoops down in his Egg-mobile and airlifts the castle into outer-space. Mario, being the 3 foot tall bundle of spaghetti that he is, is about to drop-kick Bowser into the annals of all time biggest pussy when Bowser turns himself invincible and chucks the greasy haired guido from the castle window and into the forest below.
After taking a day to recover from the eight mile fall from outer space and subsequent reentry into the earths atmosphere, Mario learns that Bowser has stolen a magic wand from the "Super Ninja Death Star Master Wizards" up in "Star Haven," and has trapped the seven "Mighty Super Fire Zord Ninja Star Power" in seven different chapters of the game. Mario, being the retard that he is, agrees to travel through talking fungus kingdom to risk his hairy Eye-talian ass and save the Princess who, through three kadjillion games, still hasn't given any out. Hey, he does it all for the nookie. And so, Mario treks off into the wilderness with his faithful mushroom, leaving behind Luigi who, despite wanting to go, "has to watch the house." Right, and Bill Clinton has sex with ugly women because it prevents brain cancer. Tell me another one. Luigi is definitely hopping into the warp tube under his bed into Brooklyn and dropping coins at the OTB while Mario risks his ass to get the chance to clean the pipes of some toadstool thumping lesbian.
Who's got the brains in this family?
Hard pressed to find any actual "people", Mario resorts to beating up colored mushrooms instead.
The Works: "Mario beats up Minorities" employs a slew of innovative and cool features to make your Koopa killin' experiences all the more worthwhile. From a decked out battle system to a slew of interesting and unique party members, the game has what it takes to even the odds. The aforementioned battle system is simple enough, giving Mario an allotment of HP and FP (Flower Power), which can be used to perform special attacks in battle. The attacks are learned from badges which Mario comes across in his adventures and grant such abilities as "Power Bounce," Quake Hammer," "Bust A Nut In Princess Peach's Ass" and "Spin Attack," amongst others. Sweet?
Shortly into his quest, Mario, who's ass has taken more of a beating from his habit of butt stomping turtle shells than Jenna Jameson has from her habit of "having lots of sex," decides to dump this arcane method of killing small animals and decides to start packing. What weapon does he choose? Not some dyke licking "Gunblade," or any 'roid popping "Fire Super Crazy Sword," no, Mario goes old school Donkey Kong style and starts cracking shells with a hammer. As if that's not good enough, the hammer, along with Mario's boots, can be upgraded twice to maximize power and smashing ability. Hail to the plumber, baby.
Another huge addition to the game is Mario's enigmatic ability to attract once enemies (a BA-Bomb, Boo, Goomba, Koopatroop, etc.), into his party, to aid in either battle or traveling Mushroom Kingdom. I also hear just being in their company for any extended period of time is enough to cure any gamer of AIDS, the Ebola Virus, and idiocy. It's my only hope. Be it the mushroom air, or a horribly obese usage of drugs, cute and cuddly critters of all sizes appear in droves to join the out of proportioned plumbers party. I don't know if it's an attraction to the man who single-handedly cut their family trees in half back in "Super Mario World," or just that the idea of hanging out with an old Italian guy is just that cool. Either way, It's probably a good thing, what with Luigi growing a vagina and all.
Smash those coked out Fuzzies to hell, Mario!
The Good: Mario Party is full of things to keep any hardened RPG gamer hooked. One of it's best features is its small, meaningless plethora of pubic hair like side quests, meant to amaze and astound. Take for instance, the dojo in Toad Town. Talk to the wheezing, hacking Master and he'll have you fight his little blue turtle and some goat guy. beat them and after he hacks the other half of his lung all over your little blue trousers, the asthmatic one himself will challenge you. Beat the sickly bastard and you get a 3rd Degree Black Belt card. Challenge the old geezer and he turns yellow and dances. Ohhh, power up!! Manage to put the freaky mushroom out of his misery and he mercifully hacks himself to death. Fortunately, his sickliness revives himself just to challenge you one more time! After turning yellow and dancing, he catches fire and begins hurling insults at his aspiring student ("Now, feel my fury!!"). Oh well, you do want that 5th Degree card, don't you? Manage to drop-kick the flamer one more time and then e-mail me and tell me what happened cause I still haven't been able to put the old bastard down for the count. Maybe I should find the Walls of Jericho badge.
Another favorite of mine is an old geriatric turtle who lives in the slums of Koopa Town. Koopa Koot, as he's known, is constantly hitting up poor Mario for favors. Seriously, I've done about twenty favors for the scaly bastard and all he does is give Mario one measly coin and ask for another favor. However, lately he's been stammering on and on and asking for things like Life Mushrooms, so hopefully the damn turtle will just die and leave me in his will or something, because if I have to climb one more tree to get a Koopa leaf so some toad can make him soup, and get a lousy coin, I'm gonna bury Mario's double upgraded sledgehammer into Koopa Koot's horribly deformed head. Capice?
Despite wielding cannons, the Koopa Bros. decide to hurl insults at out hero in Japanese. Cover your ears, Mario!
The small things in the game also make it worthwhile, like for instance the post office. Located in Toad Town, the post office holds all the mail for your party members and manages to make all of it completely worthless at the same time, allowing you to tape down the turbo button on your bootleg controller to rip through the text, leaving you free to attend to other things, be it MTV 2 in the PIP, or glorious Internet porn! However, for Mario's mail, you have to take a warp tube to his house where you can also read Luigi's diary and hear him bitch about how he misses throwing parties and playing tennis and golf, while he sits at home picking his corns and you venture off into the jungle with a fucking turtle, throwing hammers at spiky dragons. Go Figure. In any case, things like this, a gameroom, some whacked out worm who asks you questions for prizes, and a "pin the genital herpes on the whore game," make this game all the more interesting.
Furthermore, the cuteness in this game is so bad, it's good. One example is having characters randomly put hearts at the end of their sentences. Now, I can understand having Tasty T. throw a heart at you after asking you if you want some cake. However, it's when a Shy Guy yells how he's gonna "jam his legs up your ass, rip your sphincter out like a hair scrunchy and dance around in your devastated, bloody assmeats" and then adds a heart onto the end that you really got to smile.
Don't worry Mario, one day you'll a land where spaghetti flows like water and Peach pussy grows from trees.
The Bad: To my credit, I'm able to keep this section mercifully short, however, only because there's not a lot in this game not to like. In fact, the only real thing that draws my ire besides the Peach side quests is how Mario gets treated like trash. now, in the game, Mario doesn't talk, presumably, so the player can really feel like he is Mario. So Mario goes running around, nodding and bobbing his fat head around like Little Kim on a cum withdrawal, agreeing to bust his ass for a bunch of ingrate mongoloids so he can get a coin. "Oh, Mario, you crossed burning lave and had red hot penises inserted into your eyes to deliver this letter to me? Why, thank you, here's a single coin. Would you please deliver this letter to Krusty Koopa in 'Get Raped In The Ass By A Clown Every Twenty Seconds Land'? And this one to Trixy T. in 'We Eat Italians Town'? Oh thank you Mario! *heart*" And so it goes. Mario takes it like a man and takes it up the ass, for some coked up 'shroom who, two games ago, he would have ass slammed into toothpaste. I guess old age really does make you gullible.
The Ugly: Unfortunately, one thing has continued to haunt me throughout my illustrious partnership with Mario, that being the horribly mismatched fights the pudgy plumber is forced to trudge through like shit through a strainer. Now, while Mario does manage to come out on top every single time, regardless of how horribly out of his league he is, there's just something about seeing a house sized freak of nature tortoise, who's obviously been spending to much time in the ooze, belly flop onto some vertically challenged, middle-aged immigrant, and then bounce off that just gets under my skin. Sure, the attack might knock off a few precious HP points from the meter, but that's about it. Hell, with a well timed pressing of the A button, you can even force the tiny Sicilian under his apparently steel coated hat, deflecting the blow even more. And, of course, when Mario, in all his greasy goodness, plants his hairy ass onto the head of Gargantua the Great, the overstuffed lizard bottoms up and spews coins into the stratosphere like some jacked up slot machine. What gives?
Hey, it's not that I can't suspend belief as well as the next guy, but why can't the greasy haired, golf playing, kart riding party animal go Godfather on the whole reptilian race and just whip out a chain gun, spewing sweet, hot lead into the hollowed out motherhuggers?
Princess Peach plays "hide the coochie from the plumber".
The End: And so we come to the end of my column. Bottom line? Paper Mario rocks. It sets the mushroom movement back about forty years but breaks all kinds of barriers for 3 foot tall Italian plumbers who fight dinosaurs with their butts. In any case, despite having both my contacts fused into my retinas due to the 64 bit colors dancing across the 'ole 36 incher, I've decided to return to my drug of choice, bloody eyeballs in hand, Paper Crack. And remember. Smoke it, don't shoot it.
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