Entertainment Smorgasbords are my Anti-Drug.
posted by Dave on 7/10/01
In two days, it will be the four month anniversary of Whatever-Dude.com's existence... and while I can say that I am nothing but proud of the work the other writers here have done... I must admit that I, as the owner of the site, have been a little disappointed in my own performance.
I'm just not having as much fun writing lately... and I think it has definitely affected my work. So, in an effort to pinpoint where I went wrong, I started going through some of my pre-WD stuff.
There I found the carefree writer that I remember and aspire to be once again. So I present to you in chronolgical order, some of Dave Macchia's pre-Whatever-Dude Greatest Hits:
June 27, 2000
Step right up and try your luck. How about you little boy? You think you got what it takes to toss three rings onto my Random Thoughts?
I just made myself laugh with that segue. I'm a fuckin freakshow.
The thing that scares me is that I have officially quit doing drugs.. Well, I'm realistic about it. I'll still do drugs; but only if a hot girl asks me to. Hell, if a girl is hot enough, I'd be like.. "Heroin?!? Sure, done it lots of times.. Yeah, can you just find the vein for me. I'm not wearing my glasses.." Then she'll be like "I didn't know you wore glasses.", to which I'll reply, "Rectum... darn near killed'em." Hopefully she'll have done her heroin at this point so she won't realize I am making completely no sense whatsoever...
July 13, 2000
I was just outside and feeling a little thirsty so I went to the nearest sidewalk vendor. He had a huge sign on his cart that said "COLD COLD SNAPPLE $1.00", so I asked for a Snapple Iced Tea. I then had to follow that up by asking, "Are they cold or COLD COLD?". Mysteriously, he was out of iced teas and I had to settle for a can of Coke. Serves me right for being a wiseass. But c'mon, with a sign like that on the cart, there was no way I could resist making a smartass comment. It's the story of my life: Sacrificing what I truly want, all for the sake of cracking myself up. Oh well.
July 25, 2000
We're in Bryant Park in downtown Manhattan having some beers with some clients. I'm walking with one of the guys, Pete, towards the bathroom, telling him how I know so many people within our industry because I used to work for my Dad's brokerage company... and I dealt with just about every big name dealer or bank while I was there. So I'm feeling all cool and "business like" and shit; when we walk down this hallway into a smaller room where there were two doors wide open. Both rooms appeared to have a toilet I went into the one on the right.. The other guy took the one on the left. This conversation ensues:
Pete: "Dude... why are you in the women's bathroom?"
Dave: (in the stall) "Ya know... I was wondering why there wasn't a urinal in here."
So I run across the hall into the men's room before any girls come in to use their bathroom. On the walk back... this conversation ensues:
Pete: "Don't worry... I won't tell anybody about what you did."
Dave: "Cool... Do you mind if I tell it then?"
July 25, 2000
The Main Topic of the Post is sponsored today by Fox's new hit show "Malcolm X in the Middle". What happens when a militant civil rights leader is adopted by a dysfunctional white family?.... Hilarity ensues.. that's what.
Mom: "Which one of you boys ruined my dress?!?!?"
Malcolm: "We didn't land on Plymouth Rock... Plymouth Rock landed on us!!"
Mom: "Malcolm... go to your room!"
Malcolm: "Or else what you White Devil woman?!? You gonna spray the hose on me?!?"
Enter the neighbor.... M.C. Passover
M.C. Passover: (rapping) "We've been oppressed thousands of years longer than you... I've got a big nose... and they call me a Jew. Word!"
(the audience sits in dead silence)
July 25, 2000
One thing I inherited from my Dad is the ability to get uncontrollable fits of the giggles. They are rare in nature... but when they do come, they are almost brutally out of my control. I can rationalize in my brain to stop laughing... but then all it takes is to just look at somebody and they start right up again. I had two cases of them this weekend... and this got me to thinking about some past ones. I'd like to share with you my most memorable high school and college cases of the giggles.
It's not a coincidence that both of these episodes took place within the classroom... for you see I guess the fact that I wasn't allowed to laugh as hard as I wanted to made them come out in violent spurts.
First, let's look at my high school experience. I went to a co-ed Catholic high school where we had to take Theology classes. One Theology teacher in particular was Mr. Dalzell. He was a little man with big glasses, ever-present pair of suspenders; and a horrible, nasally Jersey accent. Well, Mr. D liked to call on students to stand up to answer questions based on the previous night's reading. Well, sure enough I get called on one of the many day's where I was not exactly up to speed on the previous night's assignment. So I stand up and he asks this nonsensical question...
"What is goy !?!?"
He said the word "goy" so loud and so ennunciated that I don't even think I pondered the question for a second. All I could concentrate on was this ridiculous bullshit word and his face when he said it. I stood there dead silent... with my lips literally trembling to hold in the laughter... I stood there for a good two minutes...looking around and seeing my friends faces as they knew that I couldn't hold out much longer, while he continued to ask me if I knew what "goy" meant. Everytime he repeated the word... it became harder to keep it in. It was cruel... I stood there dumbfounded trying to shake my head "no".
Finally he told me to sit down and he moved on to ask the next person. Before I had even put my ass back in my seat... I couldn't hold it anymore. I put my head down into my arms on my desk and released a sound that was a perfect mixture of orgasm and somebody telling you your dog had died. I laid there convulsing and sobbing from laughing so hard. I laid there thinking... "Get it together Dave... C'mon... it's not funny"... When I finally thought I had composed myself, I lifted my head up. The second I looked up I saw a couple of my friends staring at me and it started all over again... just as violent... just as loud. This process repeated three more times. I, to this day, have no idea what the word "goy" actually means.
So let's fast forward a couple of years to the summer in between my soph. and junior years of college. I was taking a Public Speaking course during the summer... and there were about 15 people in the class. So it was a small class in a small classroom. To top it all off... when somebody was up giving a speech we arranged our desks in a semi-circle to listen.
Well the day had come for people to give their speeches that were supposed to be a tribute, eulogy, etc... to any person, living or dead, whom they admired. Well... this girl gets up. I can't for the life of me even remember her name... all I remember was she was pale and probably into Wiccan shit.
So she gets up and starts giving her speech which was a tribute to some women out in Oregon. So far, so good. Then it came... the word... The word that would be repeated over and over in so many ludicrous sentences that the comic possibilities were endless. This woman who she was giving her speech about ran a farm dedicated to the preservation of beavers. At first I thought that I might be able to get through this without laughing. This girl also had the worst monotone delivery out of anybody in the class mind you... I knew it was going to be tough to get out of this speech alive.
Then she said it... Word for word... here it goes. I remember this to this very day... "When we arrived at her farm... she immediately showed us some beavers... My sister said.. Wow look at that beaver over there. It's a big one. Have you ever seen a beaver that big? ..... I was happy because my sister and I had never thought we would get to see a beaver that up close and personal as long as we lived."
Needless to say... my head was in my arms on my desk... and I never even attempted to look back up. I was too busy convulsing up and down so hard that I thought I was going to throw up. This girl's speech was almost cruel... I would say she used the word "beaver" at least 75 separate times throughout this speech. Crazy bitch.
August 11, 2000
More annoying than that commercial with the imitation Sheryl Crow woman singing, "Ask how.. Ask now.. Ask Sherwin Williams".. Here comes your Main Topic of The Post
The Main Topic of the Post is being sponsored today by Muhammad Ali... I asked Muhammad how he felt about sponsoring the post... He had this to say:
"Float like a butterfly.. Sting like a bee.. By the time I finish this sentence.. You'll be seventy three!"
Thanks champ!! Now go do your little shadowboxing thing.. There you go... alright... you're done.. okay... buh-bye champ. It was a pleasure.
It's been raining a lot here in NYC the past couple of weeks. One thing I've noticed is that there are some people out there with umbrellas that are 3x the size of my apartment. Sidewalk walking space is limited enough as it is... but these jackasses feel the need to use an umbrella that would provide enough shade for an entire Jackson family reunion at the beach...
Yes... even Rebbie Jackson. Of course they would kick her out the second that she started singing her hit song "Centipede". Then LaToya would mumble... "Geez Dad.. why don't you just beat the shit out of her.. like you did me?!?"
Michael will of couse be too busy talking to Mr. Rat to interact with the rest of the family.
I have to be honest... Anytime that the "Jacksons: An American Dream" movie comes on VH1... I always end up watching at least an hour of it. One of my favorite scenes is when Boyz II Men picks a fight with Jackie.
End of Main Topic
August 17, 2000
The summer in between my Sophomore and Junior years of high school... I had my first job. Where did I work you might be wondering? Well.. considering for years, my Dad, in an attempt to compensate for the damage my Mom's and his divorce was doing to their son emotionally, had developed quite the friendly relationship with one of the managers at the now defunct toy store chain... Child's World. Whenever new Transformers, G.I. Joe stuff, and Nintendo games came in... this manager had a list of what to set aside for me. Oh no, R.C. Pro-Am is sold out?? Not for me.. suckas! Now can you dig that?! Am I actually writing this?!?
The thing was, I was supposedly getting a position working in the Nintendo department. The day I went in to fill out the job application I should have known that trouble was lurking in the near future.. the second that they asked me.. "How would you feel about working in the pet dept?"
Now.. this wasn't an upscale pet dept by any stretch of the imagination. There were no dogs.. no cats.. not even rabbits. There were just goldfish, cheap ass "tropical" fish, parakeets.. and shit that a normal person would kill if it had snuck into their house (gerbils, small white mice, etc.). But oh yeah.. let's buy one and set up some sort of elaborate tube system for it to run through.. then it's a pet. The other thing was, who in their right fuckin mind would buy a pet from a toy store?!? Not many people, that's who. In the whole summer I worked there, I honestly sold maybe three creatures. So what did I do for the most part while I was there... cleaned cages. Let me tell you.. sticking 15 parakeets inside a cage the size of a hollow Rubik's Cube created quite the delicious mess.
Some highlights of that job:
Let me tell you about gerbils. They have the ability to multiply faster than a Chinese kindergartener. Normally, to clean the cage we had to empty all of the gerbils out into a seperate box before vaccuuming out all of the shit and shreddings that they slept on. Well, when one of them gave birth.. and those little nasty pink things were all huddled in a corner... we weren't allowed to move them. So what did I have to do? Stick a vaccuum nozzle into the cage.. and be extra careful. Well... you know how in the movie Silence of the Lambs, Agent Starling couldn't get the sound of the lambs screaming as they were slaughtered, out of her head?... Well to this day.. the thwump sound of the baby gerbil I sucked into the dry-vac, has no such long lasting effect. It lived.. only to be eaten by it's own mother days later, because it was weak. Child's World??... Uh-uh.. Life Lessons World.
August 29, 2000
"Mirror, mirror in my hand... how do white trash cut their hair all across the land?"
September 1, 2000
Dana Plato: "Well... you see.. eventually I'm going to get fired for becoming pregnant. Then I'll rob a dry cleaner and kill myself by overdosing"
Todd Bridges: "Man, I can't wait to smoke me some of that good shit..."
Gary Coleman: "As cute as I am right now.. you're gonna find me equally as ugly and annoying in twenty years.."
Conrad Bain: "These are supposed to be my kids... Hey Todd.. you wanna smoke some good shit? Go find the producers..."
Charlotte Rae: "I gotta get out of here.. Also, Conrad, will you please take your finger out of my asshole... The Shocker is not a part of "The Facts of Life"..
September 1, 2001
Good lord... I'm sitting here and I feel like I'm ready to give birth, my stomach feels so full. It's kinda like on The Cosby Show when "The Cos" had that weird dream where all of the guys were pregnant and at the end they all gave birth to submarine sandwiches..
Yeah I'm from NJ.. so I call them subs... gotta problem with that you hoagie people?? Or what about you, grinder people,..wanna make something of it? What are you looking at, Mr. Hero??
All I know is big, long sandwiches are good... and when they come out of "The Cos's" crotch... that's comedy.
The Cosby Show back in the day... was outstanding. I'm talkin old school Cosby, where at the beginning of the show, they showed the picture montage of the family at the playground... with Theo wearing a baseball helmet. The show "jumped the shark" once they started doing those elaborate dance sequences at the beginning... although at the end when "The Cos" did that little hand thingy and then popped his face out.. well, that still makes me chuckle to this very day. Also that one season where Tempestt Bledsoe's hair looked like the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima.. well, that was pretty cool too...
She should have had her own talk show... oh, that's right.. she did.
So did Carnie Wilson of Wilson Phillips... That was like, oh wait.. Ricki Lake isn't as fat anymore... so we'll give this tubby bitch a try... Whatever, dude.
September 1, 2000
I guess one of the reasons that I watch MTV all weekend long.. is deep down I'm hoping that they show it:
The Sex in the 90's: The Dog Brothers
This is like the Holy Grail of MTV programming... the mecca if you will.
You could tie me to a chair and make me watch this episode for 7 days straight.. and as long as you threw some food my way every once in a while.. I would be a content young man.
The Sin Bin, the suit jackets (a thousand dollars apiece), the ridiculous claims of being in Bon Jovi, the Road Whore they pick up at the end of the night, the trip to the beach (Think this guy does steroids?!)... My dear God.. does anything on television ever get any better than this? My answer is "No".
The way they contrast Manny "The Nice Guy" (So where ya from.. Where ya from? Alright let's go for three times.. So Where ya from?).. the way they show the contrast between The Dog Brothers and this guy is pure fucking poetry..
I really could write a novel about this show... Alright maybe not a novel... but something definitely longer than The Pamphlet of Jewish Sports Heroes that the stewardess hands out in the movie, Airplane.
September 15, 2000
I swear.... being a wrestling fan is a burden. I mean, my parents know if they ever need to speak to me on a Monday, they better do it before 8:00 or else they are met with their evil son's response of "Dude.. whaddya want? Wrestling's on." Once the new tv season rolls around, these are some other days that they need to call before a certain time:
Tuesday: "Dad? How dare you call me now? Buffy's on... Damn, would'ya look at that outfit she's wearing. Dad, I gotta go. (click)"
Wednesday: "Ummmm.. yeah Mom.. that's great.. but why don't you call me at 9:00.. Haha!! Pacey just made a funny. Yeah Mom, I know.. Pacey reminds you of me.. Damn, you're looking cute tonight.. No Mom, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the television.. Yeah, Katie Holmes is on right now. Yeah Mom.. I'll call you at 9.. Bye. (click)"
Thursday: "C'mon make it quick.. I'm flipping between Friends and Smackdown!.. Yes Mom, I know..Chandler reminds you of me.. Can I ask you a question.. Who doesn't remind you of me?.... Anybody who acts their age and has a girlfriend.. oooh that's funny. I gotta go.. (click)."
Friday: "I'm getting ready to go out.. I'll call you when I wake up tomorrow.... Yeah, don't bank on me calling anytime before 2:00. Have a good night.. (click)"
Saturday: "I know I said I'd call... I have a headache. Leave me alone. (click)"
Sunday: "So.. how are ya? Sure I got time to talk.. Good thing you called me during halftime."
I really do love my parents... just not during primetime and not during the week.
October 31, 2000
I know each poster was supposed to pick only 10 people for their Dead Pool list… but I chose to list 12, in honor of the number worn by the “greatest” New York Giants quarterback of all-time… Scott Brunner.
Here we go:
12) Dick Van Dyke – He has stated he is retiring from television at the end of this season of “Diagnosis Murder”.. He won’t even make it to Sweeps Week. Chimney Sweepers across the world, mourn the passing of the man that inspired them to become dirty, menial laborers for a living.
11) Andy Griffith – At the funeral, Don Knotts will kneel at the coffin and tell Andy to tell Norman Fell he says hello. He will then bust into a fake karate move and scream, “I own this building now, Mr. Roper!”
10) David Blaine – Upon meeting the spirit of Harry Houdini, he will say, “Hey.. you were a pretty good magician, but I was part of Leonardo DiCaprio’s “Pussy Posse”. So go fuck yourself.”
9) Frank Gifford – At the funeral, Dennis Miller will tell Cody, “Hey kid.. the guy looked like he should’ve been your grandfather anyway. Howard Cosell’s hairpiece had more talent than your old man. Tell Mommy to stop crying and go book the family a trip on a Carnival cruise.”
8) Marlon Brando – Instead of dying chasing his grandson around with an orange in his mouth like he did in The Godfather... he will die alone in a bed located in the storage room of Carvel. He will be buried with an ice cream cone upside down on his nose and the name on his tombstone will read Marlon “Cookie Puss” Brando.
7) Eminem – He will be found dead of a “self-inflicted” shotgun wound in Seattle. Seattle police, upon witnessing his estranged wife Kim high-fiving Courtney Love at the funeral, will rule that his death clearly was a suicide. Conspiracy theorists working at the nearest Starbucks will describe the sketchy circumstances surrounding his death as a grande’ coverup.
6) Rosie O’Donnell – After Rosie dies from a heart attack brought upon by the stress of walking around with a 50 lb head… infertile couples around the U.S. will rejoice. “Cool, now maybe we won’t keep losing out to single lesbians who refuse to come out of the closet, and work a busy schedule… when trying to adopt a friggin kid.”, one of them is quoted saying during an interview. In a related note, teenage boys will be able to once again debate over who was hotter… Betty or Wilma.
5) Arnold Schwarzenegger – Killed in a freak accident when his wife, Maria Shriver’s, razor sharp jaw accidentally slits his throat. “Let’s face it, He was pretty much dead after they released “The Last Action Hero”.”, his agent is quoted as saying.
4) Henry Winkler – A video montage on the news, will make a whole generation of people realize they were on a shitload of drugs in the 70’s, if they actually believed that this guy was cool. Tom Bosley is hauled off for trying to wrap the corpse in a Glad trash bag at the funeral. While being led away by police, Tom screams, “Ayyyy!! Fonzie. Don’t get mad…. get Glad!”
3) Scott Stapp – Somewhere in America there are definitely a few million people ready to just snap if they ever hear the song “Higher” again. One of them will act. The funeral director will be instructed to bury him without a shirt on because “Scott would have wanted it that way.”
2) Kathleen Turner – Upon waking up and realizing the last career highlights she has had, are making the movie “Baby Geniuses” and doing sexy voiceovers for Burger King… she will kill herself. “Romancing the Stone” co-star, Michael Douglas will not attend the funeral, stating, “I can’t make it cause I’ll be too busy doing nothing but having as much sex with Catherine Zeta Jones as humanly possible.”. In a related note, during an interview, Kirk Douglas is quoted as saying, “Michael letting me watch him have sex with Catherine is the only thing keeping me alive now.”
1) Freddie Prinze Jr. – Upon realizing that the only reason he is cast in movies, is because Hollywood feels bad that his father committed suicide… Freddie calls up his Dad’s best friend, Tony Orlando, and tells him he is about to follow in his father’s footsteps and commit suicide. At the funeral Tony is quoted as saying, “I never thought he was actually going to kill himself.. He didn’t sound very convincing, so I just thought he was calling me up to let me listen to him rehearse for a new movie role.”
December 8, 2000
My faith in humanity has been shaken.
I was innocently scouring the internet in search of Rocky Dennis pictures... when I came across some guy's personal site. What I read there shook me to the core...
Here is what was written on his site: http://members.aol.com/FeatherWm/private/MoreMe.htm
Another bit of information I remember well in Elementary School was a boy I was picked to Tutor when I was in the third grade. He was in first grade. I remember it vividly because he was the ugliest dood I had ever seen. A birth defect that had left his eyes on the side of his head like a fish, his head was overly large and he couldn't close his lips because the skin was stretched taught. His name was Rocky Dennis. Never forget that name. He was in the first grade and was a lot older than I was. But that was understandable because he had trouble speaking and seeing as well -- that would make it difficult for anyone to learn. The first time I met that kid was in Covina park. His friends had rushed up and grabbed me, holding me on the ground. Rocky (he was really something frightening to see) put his face up close to mine and growled like a crazy animal. Scared the piss out of me. Anyway, about 10 years ago, I was surprised to see they had made a movie about Rocky Dennis. But the movie was nothing close to the truth. It made him out to be a kind person and very intelligent, telling how he attended college and such -- hell, the kid died when he was still attending Ben Lomand Elementary school and the only thing true about the movie was the way he looked. Of course, the movie didn't say it WAS a true story -- it only said it was BASED on a true story and everyone around me took it as true and wouldn't believe me when I told them I knew the kid personally. The movie I speak of was "Mask."
Now if the heartwarming story of Rocky Dennis is not really true... Are you to tell me that Hollywood takes creative liberties, in order to make stories about reality take on a mystique that they don't deserve??
Actually.. I knew this. I've always known this... I guess I just thought Rocky was different. I mean.. hell, he collected Brooklyn Dodgers baseball cards and ripped off his best friend by trading him a Steve Garvey for a Rube Walker... a Rube Walker!!! You're sooo stupid!!
I mean are you to tell me that not only did Rocky Dennis not steal the awards ceremony at graduation... that he didn't even graduate high school?? Do you understand the ramifications of that?? It means that somebody totally fabricated the scene where the biker gang chipped in and got Rocky a suit for his graduation day... and Gar tricked him by hiding it in the fridge and then telling Rocky to go get him a beer.
Next thing you know.. you're gonna tell me that there was no Dozer... nevermind a Dozer with a speech impediment that he temporarily struggles to overcome so he can congratulate Rocky at a graduation ceremony that never took place!!!!
My mind is boggled. Was there ever a Camp for the Blind? Did the real Rocky ever make out with a blind girl at a New Year's Eve party in the middle of the summer?? Did Rocky ever use the word billowy to describe what the clouds look like?!
"(Holding cottonball)This is billowy.. (hand to Laura Dern's face).. and this... is beautiful (smooch)..."
This is bullshit...
This whole world is bullshit...
I feel like Fiona Apple giving a speech...
Rocky Dennis used to be a thing of wonder in my eyes... The horribly disformed kid that teaches everybody what true inner beauty is all about.
Now whenever I see the movie, I'm gonna think of him growling at people.
I bet his Mom still got him a hooker though... That's a pretty safe bet.
I bet Gar was still pretty cool and wore a t-shirt that said "Moustache Rides" on it...
Maybe it's not so bad.
No.. no.. it is bad.. cause I bet that scene in the funhouse where him and his friend are looking at the various mirrors and he comes across the one where in the reflection he justs looks like an ugly guy... instead of a hideously deformed ugly guy... and he says, "Get my Mom".. and that funkatron music plays in the background...
It never happened...
Goddamn... I couldn't leave well enough alone... but no I had to push it. I needed to find Rocky Dennis pics... and in the process ruined the whole concept of Rocky Dennis for myself. Serves me right.
I should have known the whole movie was bullshit when his grandparents took him to the Dodgers game and he came home with a fitted Dodgers cap...
Here's how that scene musta played out:
"Hey Jimmy... Go in the stockroom... Someone finally showed up with a Size 16 head!!"
People wonder why I do drugs... To ease the pain of moments like this. That's why.
December 11, 2000
Two of my least favorite commercials on television both come coourtesy of Norelco and their ongoing assault to try and get me to buy their electric razor. It's never happening fellas... especially not as long as you air these two commercials:
1) The Cadets at the Virginia Military Institute. Nothing frustrates me more than that goober releasing the shave gel from the razor and his idiotic response of, "What's this... GOO?!?". By the overly shocked/disgusted look on the dude's face... you would think Dennis Franz's bare ass popped outta the razor and not shaving gel.
2) The Minor League Hockey Team. Now all the company is trying to do is to get these guys to give their electric razor a trial run. What does the one guy on the team do?! He violently grabs it and says, "This ain't gonna do nothin for my beard!!" Simmer down chief. All they're asking you to do is give it a try. This asshole probably goes to the supermarket and tells the free sample lady, "This pig in a blanket ain't gonna do nothin for my stomach!!" after violently grabbing the plate outta her hand... Jerkoff.
Another one of my pet peeves when it comes to commercials is the anti-smoking crusade going on out there...
I love how they try and inspire kids not to take up smoking by interviewing a black guy on a bus who is... clearly on crack!! Seriously, watch and listen to this guy. Nothing that comes out of his mouth can be even remotely construed as anything resembling a rational thought..
"That's a dumb reason to do anything.. Well, they're not dumb.. but ahh..." Shut up crackhead!!
I also like the one where they stop the kid with the bedhead walking out of school. Watch as he tells his invisible friends to wait up for him... Then the kid has the nerve to have an attitude like we're taking up some of his precious time. Jerkoff..
December 19, 2000
Last week I was sitting around thinking of what New Year's resolution I was going to make for the upcoming year. Here's what I came up with:
Quit drinking. Quit doing drugs. Try and discover how the other half lives.
After having a good laugh, I realized that I needed to come up with something a tad bit more realistic for myself.
So here it is:
I'm getting married in 2001. Not only that. I'm getting married and divorced. The way I look at it... my whole adult life, I've been far too picky when it comes to women. As I sat there pondering why exactly that is... I realized, it's all because of seeing my parents get divorced. Somewhere along the way, I came to the conclusion that this was never going to happen to me. So this fear has handcuffed me into trying to find Miss Right everytime.
Now if I erase that fear, by actually striving for the same failure my parents had... well then, I'll be better off in the long run. Hell, it'll be better to get it out of the way now too... because if I get divorced now and the unlucky prospect tries to take me for half of what I'm worth... Well, she'll go home the recipient of three beers and a McDonald's BarBQ sauce. Alright... so I'm exaggerating. She'll get half a BarBQ sauce. C'mon like I had two extra ones?? I don't think so. I dip my nuggets good and proper.
January 12, 2001
Well, it's official. I've made a big decision in my life. I am going back to school..... for a weekend!!
Oh what... you thought I meant I was going to start taking graduate courses?!? Fuck that... I'm never setting foot in a classroom again. Well that's not necessarily true. Someday I might enter a classroom again... only it will be to teach.
What?! It could happen.
I can just see it now......
(an old man knocks on my apartment door... I open it and he introduces himself as an NYU professor.)
NYU Professor: "Excuse me, are you David Macchia?"
Dave: "Why yes... Who are you? A friend of my grandfather's perhaps?"
NYU Prof: "Haha... With such an unassumingly biting wit, you must be David Macchia... or should I say... the MDJ."
Dave: "Who sent you!!?? I'd give anything for a drag... just one drag."
NYU Prof: "Oh yes.. MDJ indeed. Who else would start making such obscure references to the movie Ghost to a complete stranger. I'll cut the small talk and jump right into the reason for my visit."
Dave: "Lemme guess... you need me to work as head bouncer to help save your failing bar, the Double Deuce."
NYU Prof: "Roadhouse!! No.. the reason I'm here is we're offering a new course at NYU that I think you might be interested in."
Dave: "Oh no.. I'm done with taking classes. I came back home to raise crops, and God willing a family. If I can live in peace, I will."
NYU Prof: "Braveheart!! No.. we don't want you to take a class... We want you to teach a class."
Dave: "Me... a teacher?"
NYU Prof: "Yes... we need you to teach a new course we're offering.. It's titled, "How to Become an Internet Superstar in Less Than a Year."
Dave: "Change the "Superstar" in the title of the course to "God".. and Mister, you got yourself a deal. How many weeks does the course run?"
NYU Prof: "Two weeks.
Dave: "How much does it pay?"
NYU Prof: "Two weeks."
Dave: "Excuse me?.. I asked how much it paid."
NYU Prof: (head shaking violently) "Two weeks... Two weeks..."
All of a sudden the Professor takes off his head to reveal none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger... He hands the head to Dave..
Prof's Head: "Get ready for a surprise!!"
Dave: "TOTAL RECALL!!"
The head explodes killing Dave while Arnold lights a cigar, cocks his head back and basically looks like he always looks... ugly.
I just wanted to say to B and Paul, that it's been one hell of a ride so far... and in my opinion, things are just going to keep better.
However, it's with great sadness that I have to announce to our readers that Mel has officially left W-D for greener pastures. I always knew that it was only a matter of time before somebody with money in their wallet was going to snatch a surefire talent like Mel up and sign him to an exclusive writing contract... and I wish him nothing but success in all of his future endeavors. You da man, Mr. Mel.
Fret not loyal readers... a replacement (or possibly two) for Mel is (are) on the horizon and I guarantee you will not be disappointed.
One final note. From the bottom of my heart, I just wanted to thank all of Whatever-Dude's readers for making this site more successful at this point than I ever could have imagined.