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This Week's Reader Submission Contest Winner #1: Paul's Pick

posted by Paul on 7/15/01

Well, it's nice to be back in the W-D fold once again and I'd like to thank B and Dave for doing a fantastic job with the site in my three week hiatus. The content has been really good, and if anything, the site was better without me. ROTFLMAO!1 While I was vacationing, enjoying life and even meeting with W-D's very own Dave (more on that in a soon to be delivered post), the troops decided to commence a samples competition. We'd talked about it for quite some time, and agreed that the summer was the ideal time to deliver this little project of giving back/using the readers for content while we party or avoid the internet while the sun shines. So, it was my duty this week to pick one winner. The samples have been very good and it's been a tough decision, but I decided to include this little gem about 7th Heaven. It's been in my mailbox a while, but I'm certain that most of our regular readers will enjoy the tone of this piece.

I sure did. LOL.

Over the next week or so, W-D will be kicking up a gear or two. We have a lot of things in store, and with all our regulars back in check, the content should be turning up a notch and with more frequency. So, keep checking back because you just never know what to expect.

Ooh, deep.

Thanks for the continued support and in the words of the immortal Apollo Creed "We can't change who we are."

Indeed!1

Paul



In the course of our TV history, "family entertainment" has always been whored out to viewers across the nation. These shows are supposed to reflect real life problems and will always be solved in the end with a nice, big hug after 30-60 minutes of hell. The whole concept of “family entertainment” really blows. The thing I cannot understand is why the writers make their shows so unrealistic. Honestly, does anyone out there have a perfect family and/or even give a damn about anyone’s family?! I don’t think so, and if anyone of you DOES love your family, go here as a token of my congratulations.

Now for you “normal” people out there. You all probably know the horror that is the WB. From their entourage of moronic shows that show no sign of intelligence whatsoever (e.g. Buffy, Angel, Charmed) to shows whose main character is a hydrocephalic who, after four straight seasons, refuses to fuck Katie Holmes (e.g. Dawson’s Creek), to an eighth installment of yet one of many failed sitcoms that feature the Wayans family, the WB is pure evil. However, all evil has a core. Hell has Satan, the World Wrestling Federation has Chyna, pop music has Jessica Simpson, and education has my middle school principal, Mrs. Dutot. But for the WB, the source of evil comes from joyous, wholesome "family entertainment" called *gasp* 7th Heaven.

Meet the Camdens, your typical Jesus-loving family. Feel the love. Everyone is happy. Hell, the fucking dog’s name is Happy. Disgusting, isn’t it? I guaran-damn-tee you after you are through listening to the first few opening lines of the show’s theme song, you will have that feeling of fingernails scratching the blackboard while having your legs removed with a chain saw while listening to Fran Drescher laughing at you…times 100. It’s that bad.

The 7th Heaven Theme
7th Heaven
When I see those happy faces
Smiling back at me
7th Heaven
I know there’s no greater feeling
Then the love of family

Just like I know that after listening to that shit there would be no greater feeling then proceed to stab myself in the face with a Ginzu knife and rotate it around and around, slowly. The song unfortunately goes on and on but due to mass headaches and suicidal thoughts after writing those 6 lines, I must forge ahead, to my dismay. There really isn’t anything more to say except for the fact that the Camden family has what, 10 members, lives in a pretty damn nice house, the mother stays and home and does God knows what, while the father is a PASTOR. Yeah, that’ll bring in the money. Of course, with all the money Mary makes from prostitution and drug dealing, that leaves the scenario a WHOLE lot more realistic.

The Characters

Eric Camden

The horny wise man. He is a pastor at the local church. He visits with the elderly, writes sermons, talks to the homeless, and gives his advice to his children when they haven’t asked for it. Eric is the father we all never had. He is the prime example of what mankind is supposed to be like. However, beyond the outlook of this good, Christian man, likes a horny bastard pimp daddy dying to get out! Yep, I said it. Eric is a sex machine. Name ONE episode where he doesn’t make out with his constipated wife, IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. You’d think that seeing a man and a woman fucking each other every ten minutes of the whole damn episode wouldn’t go down as “family entertainment.” But you see, kids, they are married and Jesus says it is okay for a husband and wife to have sex every day when you are married. NOW do you see why this show is so unrealistic?


Annie Camden

The big headed constipated maternal control freak. Or "Annie." Now when I say that she is constipated, I mean it literally. Honestly, watch an episode(if you dare) and just look and listen at the damn woman. It’s sad, really. Annie is the character who dictates the family with an iron fist. If it’s about Mary going to the movies with a jock, Simon getting a haircut, or Lucy molesting the twins, Annie is always there to be the set things straight and torture her children with some idiotic “lesson.” In between boinking with Eric, that is. *shudders*


Matt Camden

The pretty boy of the Camdens. Matt is always the devout ladies man of the family. He is the cool big brother and is a role model to his younger siblings. Matt, or Barry Watson, has appeared in “hit” movies such as Teaching Ms. Tingle, and uhhhh…that other movie with the guy with the hair. Basically, Matt is what every guy wants to be…sorta. At least that is what we are supposed to think. Although he did fuck Katie Holmes in that one movie. You gotta respect that. I honestly have nothing more to say about him, because he is probably as close to reality as you will get with this piece of shit show.


Mary Camden

The freaky slut whore druggy bitch moronic older sister. Mary is the black sheep of the family. She’s the one who is trying to break away from the horrors that have befallen on her for her whole life. I restate what I just said earlier. Mary is the one who is in touch with reality. Right now she refuses to go to college because she has to "find herself" or something like that. She’s in pretty bad shape, but that’s a given if you were related to the Camdens. But let me just say that if I looked like a giant duck-tiger such as like herself, I really would end my life right then and there.


Lucy Camden

The hot one with weird friends. Yeah, I’d bang her. Lucy is the weirdest one of them all. She has a new best friend every other week, and most of the time they all have some sort of issue that Eric Camden will get himself involved in. During the past 5 seasons, she has been friends with a cutter, a bulimic, a suicidal maniac, a drug addict, boozer, and the list goes on. But she always has a good heart and in the end her friend will be miraculously healed before being sent off into the abyss into a "rehab." She loves Jesus, too. I bet Jerry Falwell would be proud.


Simon Camden

The little shit. Oh man, the things I would do to this shmuck if I saw him on the street. He’s the reason why Eminem hates homosexuals. Slim Shady himself caught a glimpse of 7th Heaven and immediately became inspired to rap about people like Simon. Right now, Simon is trying to act like a badass with fellow troublemakers Mary Kate and Ashley Olson. Riiiight. To put the nail in the coffin, this little fuck makes out with the one twin who has that lazy eye. RAGE!!!

Ruthie Camden

The “cute” Michelle Tanner impersonator. She tries to act all cute with everyone, and believe you me, if 7th Heaven was filmed before a live studio audience, after she spoke every fucking damn line it would be accompanied by an "Ahhhhhhhh." Of course I give her the same reaction, except the "ahhhhh" I let out is me trying to swallow hydrochloric acid.

And of course, there is the dog Happy and the twins, but they are minority characters that are used to spark up the plot when it is dragging. And you’d think that would mean they’d be used a lot…

If you have ever managed to get through a whole 1-hour episode of 7th Heaven, then you are either: a) blind, deaf, mute, retarded, and brain dead, or b) you are a sad excuse for a human being. To fully captivate the hate and oppression that went into writing this article, I managed to watch a full episode of this show only slitting my wrists twice. By watching the show I realized how annoying and pointless it really is. First of all, those damn acoustics play every fucking 5 seconds in the same up-beat tune over and over and over. And over, once more. Second of all, no matter where you are, who you are with, that family will ALWAYS end up being together, no matter what. Simon went on a date with demon twins Mary Kate and Ashley Olson and Eric and Annie appeared out of nowhere to pick him up. They then went to Lucy’s dance…with Ruthie AND the twins. The funny thing is that Lucy had no objection to her family being at her dance watching her get jiggy with her latest best friend, who tried to commit suicide once coincidentally. This let out a sigh of utter disgust at whoever writes this shit each and every week.

All that is left to be answered is where does the show go from here? Into the masses to pollute the nation or to a "brand new special time" at 1:00 in the morning following The Lost World? If the second scenario does in fact take place, that will be proof that a God really does exist.

-Shawn Taylor
JorDoTK@aol.com



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