I Want to Eat Camryn Manheim
posted by Jen on 7/16/01
Hi kids. This is Dave... Owner of Whatever-Dude.com.... and all around great guy.
You know ever since we opened this site back in February, I always had the feeling something was missing. I mean, sure W-D has been a solid site... but let's face it... it almost has the feel of a Gentlemen's Club. Can't you just imagine Paul, B, and I writing our articles while naked women heave their bosoms in our faces?
Well, maybe I like to imagine that.
I also like to imagine sometimes that I'm a race car driver... but that's beside the point.
So, it occurred to me. W-D needed a woman's touch. We needed a female writer. I tried to get in touch with Chandra Levy to ask her if she wanted to write for W-D... but I couldn't find her anywhere.
Writer's Note: That might have been the cheapest excuse for a joke I have ever made.
Before the jokes get worse... let me just say, without further ado, I'd like to introduce W-D's readers to our newest writer, Jen.
insert Arsenio Hall audience member "Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!!1" noises here
Please make Jen feel welcome by showering her with expensive e-mails and diamond jpegs... OMG ROFLMAO!!!11
God Bless the Internet.
I spend an unhealthy amount of time fantasizing about what it would be like if I woke up one day to find myself living a different life. I'm not even talking about waking up and looking like a model or anything, because I already look like a model anyway. No, just kidding. But honestly, it's so much fun to think about who I would be if I weren't myself. Here is a list of some of the roles I wish I could wake up and play in life, in order of how often I fantasize about them:
1. Encino Man (the love interest of):
The fundamental problem with this movie is not the clever "cryogenically frozen cavemen adjusts to the 90's" story line. That plot is actually pure genius; the problem with this movie is that BOTH Pauly Shore and Brendan Fraser are in this movie, together. If Fraser's appearance in School Ties doesn't haunt you every time you walk by a Temple, then more power to you, but no matter how you slice it, Pauly Shore is just a dirty looking anus. Sean Astin saves this movie from being a total disaster, but only because of his acting credits (namely, The Goonies). At any rate, I often wonder what it would be like to have a caveman for a friend. I have friends from all walks of life, be it Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, white, black, heterosexual, homosexual, what have you. Why not add a caveman to the list? Better yet, why couldn't I date a caveman?
I'm so tired of hearing other girls talk about meeting guys who will be a good "investment" (i.e. Yale education, good looking, nice family, wealthy, etc). I'm sick of going out on dates and putting in the effort of making intelligent, witty conversation while still trying to remember to suck in my stomach and flash a dazzling smile to show I'm interested. I prefer the kind of dates that don't involve fake conversations about dreams and feelings and self-aggrandizing bullshit. I think it would be refreshing to go hunting for pigs, pee in the bushes when I have to go, and hold up a conch when I need to say something, just like in Lord of the Flies. (On a side note, I think it would have been cool to be in that movie, up until the point when Jack dropped the rock on Piggy's head. Jack was such a dick.)
Anyway, what I really would like to do is go out on a date that doesn't actually involve talking to the other person. I find a lot of people to be annoying after ten minutes anyway, so this would cut down on unnecessary anxiety within myself. By purging myself of conversation, I could actually grow as a human being. The caveman and I, together, could grow as people and live a nice simple life somewhere in a big forest. The deer and the bears would come to know us and develop an unspoken appreciation for their gentle human friends. We would truly be saved from the banality that is modern-day corporate America. Of course, after a while, sleeping in a cave might lose some of its mystique, at which point we would break up and then I would star in a made-for-TV movie about the whole experience. I would make a lot of money, marry a well-bred, handsome man, drive around in my BMW and finally move into the suburbs.
2. Augustus Galoomph:
Now, for those of you who haven't seen Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Augustus Galoomph is basically the fat kid who everyone loves. Now, maybe I'm alone on this one, but I really think it would be fun to be Augustus for a day. You see, Augustus Galoomph had no problem sticking his fat ass right in the chocolate river and just slurping away like a pig in shit, bless his heart. He got his grubby little hands in everything, from piles of chocolate bars to whipped cream-filled tulips, to the schnozberries on the walls. I think it sounds like a ton of fun to just eat mounds of ice cream, cookies, cake, and just plain shit all day and still think I look like a prize. The trick is, however, you could only do this successfully as Augustus Galoomph. He really is the only character in any movie I've ever seen who is lauded for looking like a lardass. Look at poor "Big Fun" from the movie Heathers. Look at the mom in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? For some reason, society viewed these obese people as loathsome and disgusting.
My personal opinion? I think normal people hate fat people so much because they're jealous that the fat people can continually eat mass quantities of shit and not give a damn about how they look. I don't hate overweight people at all; in fact, I often think it would be fun to be a carefree fatty and have the burden of anorexia Americana lifted from my shoulders. I often dream of having a week of truly guilt-free mass consumption and not working out at all; a week where I could just lie in my bed, and eat Chubby Hubby and piles of Chunky bars and watch old reruns of "Double Trouble." Then maybe I could write a book and call it "Wake Up America, I'm Fat!!" Oh shit, Camryn Manheim wrote that book already.
Now I'm not talking Billy Madison here…I'm talking Madison from Splash. I think this little fantasy all started a month ago when I went to my brother's house for a big lobster party. I was getting so frustrated trying to crack open the crab claws and lobster shells. I started thinking how nice it would be if I could just crunch away on the shells, and really think they tasted delicious. Then I got to thinking about Madison and how easy life was for her. On a spiritual level, it must be nice to be truly one with the sea and one with the earth. She could simply jump into the ocean and hang out with dolphins and sharks or come back to land and hang with us. Madison is the epitome of nature and humanity finding a common ground, and peacefully coexisting.
Now, on a purely shallow level (since that is really the only level on which my brain operates) I would most enjoy being Madison for the little schemes I could cook up to confuse people. Do you not see how much fun it would be to enter swim meets and kick everyone's ass in the backstroke? Do I need to tell you how fucking hilarious it would be to invite people over for a swim, and then watch them squeal with shock to see a long green flipper emerge from my belly? And what about learning that zany mermaid language and running naked through the city and inspiring an onlooker to shout the classically ambiguous line "Bocci balls!" Enough said.
4. Evie from the TV show "Out of this World"
I feel as if I'm insulting your intelligence by explaining why I wish I could be some of these people. But, I like to just go with the feelings, so bear with me. First of all, her dad lived inside a little glass diamond on her bedroom counter but he could only come out when she needed something from him. How nice is that? But even nicer was the fact that she could just put her fingers together and freeze time. My God, what I wouldn't do with that kind of power. I think I would pause time for days and just not deal with people (um, who has antisocial disorder…) I would pause time at work every ten minutes and just shift papers around on people's desks and move personal files from one person's desk to another person's desk. Then the second person will wonder if he has some kind of weird multiple personality syndrome that forces him to steal from other people, when in reality, I'm the one with the damn syndrome, as you can tell from this fantasy. If my boss came to my desk and asked for a report, I wouldn't actually pause time and do the report. I would pause time and haul one of those big F-A-O Schwartz animals into my chair and then disappear around the corner and watch him get all startled and wonder what just happened. Actually, this wouldn't be a healthy thing for me; I think I would develop kleptomania and start doing really evil things to innocent people just to amuse myself.
On the other hand, I would be able to pursue my dream of some day becoming a real magician. Now I don't mean one of those "masters of illusion." I used to hate watching those celebrity magic shows as a little kid, where has-been actors like Lorenzo Lamas and Valerie Bertinelli would perform cool magic tricks and then some "professional magician" asshole would debrief the audience at the end of the show to tell how they pulled off the trick. Just let us believe it was really magic, you jerk. Just like the asshole kid in second grade who told me there was no Santa Claus, I have no respect for magicians who reveal their magic tricks and ruin the whole fun. I think I would one day like to be a magician who really performs magic, no sleight of hand or cunning trick with a rabbit in my pocket. So in that way, being Evie would enable me to encourage children everywhere to hold onto their innocence. So even though I would be a neurotic kleptomaniac psycho, I would be doing it all for the children. And it's the children who make the difference in our world: both today and tomorrow.
5. Edward Scissorhands:
Oh, what I wouldn't do to be this boy in a female form. Edward tried to act like having scissors for hands was like wearing an albatross around his neck (I never understood why that was a bad thing, by the way), but in reality, scissor-hands = permanent entertainment. How could having scissors for hands be a problem? It seems like I constantly need some kind of shears, whether it's for creating fun art projects or for important professional assignments (i.e. trimming my boss's plants), as well as for little chores around the house. If I had scissors for hands, I would be about 50 times more productive in my day.
And if I got really adept with the scissors, I imagine I would open up a large meat market and shear roast beefs and filets with the style and finesse that would make every meat-eater giggle with delight and every butcher feel overwhelmingly envious. I would slice flank steaks and sirloins in the leanest of cuts, and in all different kinds of clever shapes. Instead of just getting a hamburger, people could get a zigzag hot dog or a star-shaped turkey burger. Fun and healthy ideas with food! And then after creating the meats, I could open up my own theme restaurant, only I think I would call mine "Scissah' Lips." I would serve up the food and then perform magic tricks (I always come back to the magic in my fantasies). It would be like Medieval Times only without barf-inducing wenches serving boiled chicken thighs. First, I think I will dazzle the crowd by whipping out the scissors and slicing the mustaches off unsuspecting guests. Then I would ask a guest to "pull my finger" and watch the whole gang laugh hysterically as they saw that my "fingers" were actually scissors!!!
To get the crowd really riled up, I think I would do a scissors-stand (my version of a handstand) and perform acrobatic stunts, such as back flips, somersaults, cartwheels and maybe even a routine on the horse. For the grand finale, a triple back rollover landing on one scissor-hand will do the trick. Finally, I would wind down the evening with a little origami. I think I will invite the youngest member of the crowd to bring me his or her napkin, and I will craft a pretty hummingbird out of it and explain that people are like birds. So if you love somebody, set him free. If he comes back, then it's meant to be.