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The Chipmunk Adventure

posted by B on 7/19/01

How do you explain something that cannot be explained?

I guess when you've got this big animation franchise, complete with toys, records, and a successful Saturday morning show, you look at the big fat meeces at Disney as the promised land. Those guys can take a story that makes 9th graders want to bash their heads in with a club (like "Pocahontas"), completely half-ass the animation, music, and plot (like "Pocahontas"), and end up making something painfully resembling two-hundred million dollars off it. Making the standard Blockbuster Customer Service Representative hourly wage, I would have to work 38,095,238 hours stocking JuJuFruits and straightening up 200 copies of the latest Ashley Judd abortion to equal the six months of keggers and statutory rape that no doubt produced Pocahontas.

Imagine if you were even one step higher on the ladder than a Blockbuster worker (somewhere between cockroaches and the white stuff that forms in the corner of your mouth when you get thirsty). Imagine if you were a struggling comedian/musician who'd been just outside of unlimited success after spending twenty years with your hands up the ass of some chipmunk puppets. Imagine if you'd been clutching your nuts for twenty years, so you could make money doing falsetto remakes of Beach Boys or Rick Springfield songs. If you can Imagine these things (it's easy, if you try) you're in the mind set of Ross Bagdasarian, Jr. His father, Ross Bagdasarian, Jr., Sr., is credited as the creator of "Alvin and the Chipmunks," a B-team cartoon squad that after almost thirty years of commercials, show, and television specials became so undeniably fucked up that even the most Pufn'stuffian stoned teenager had to turn away.

Here's a brief history of Alvin and the Chipmunks, as I have come to understand:

1958 - Ross Bagdasarian, Jr. Sr. changes his name to David Seville, in an effort to sound less like an Iranian terrorist, and records the "Chipmunk Song," a Christmas song begging Santa Claus not to be late. The song features Seville and three testicle-punching characters, Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. Alvin gets into "mischief" and constantly disrupts the song like a little Chipmunk bastard, rambling on and on about how he wants a hula hoop. Well, I've got a surprise for you Alvin, Santa only brings gifts to human boys and girls, not forest creatures. If that was the case the woods would be filled with little cute monogrammed shirts and matching hats every December 26th and John Denver would still be alive.

1959 - 1962 - Bagdasarian purchases missiles from rogue American turncoats, and his grip of fear on the Western World allows the production of dozens of Chipmunk albums, including:

1959 - Sing with the Chipmunks
1959 - Let's All Sing with the Chipmunks
1960 - Sing Again with the Chipmunks
1961 - Please Start Singing with the Chipmunks
1962 - I Will Scorch American Soil if You Don't Sing with the Chipmunks Goddammit

Early 60's - "The Alvin Show" premiers on prime-time television. The animated show gives likenesses to Alvin, Simon, Theodore, and their father figure, Dave Seville. The show revolved around musical skits, where the Chipmunks were maliciously tricked into believing they are human and were forced to wear ankle-length night shirts for no apparent reason. The world becomes a depressing place to live in, normal teenagers begin to consider not bathing, the Beatles discover drugs and stop being such nice young boys, and Brave New World scribe Aldous Huxley, haunted by the images of the animal children in sweaters, dies.

1972 - Spider-man infiltrates Bagdasarian studios in an attempt to stop Seville's rampage. Even the proportionate strength and speed of a spider was not enough to quell the wrath of a madman until, in a cruel twist of fate, Seville is impaled by his own Bagdasarian Glider. Spidey thinks he's won, but Ross Bagdasarian Jr., is watching in the shadows.

1983 - Bagdasarian, Jr. emerges on NBC Saturday morning television as the NEW David Seville, leading the Chipmunks in a brand new series. This time around things are progressively more warped, thanks to Reaganomics and that skateboarding commercial against drugs. "You got the Ri-ee-i-ee-i-HITE...TO SAY NO!"

New to "Alvin and the Chipmunks" -

- Not only are the Chipmunks a musical act, but they are a world renown musical act, routinely covering top 40 hits of the day ("Leader of the Pack," "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," "Fuck the Police"). The Chipmunks are world famous but continue to go to public school, wear the same outfits every day, and take menial task jobs to make up for Dave's lackluster "allowance." Meanwhile, Dave is a struggling "songwriter" but lives in a giant mansion. Sure, like Dave isn't slinging rocks in his spare time.

- Enter the "Chipettes," a rival group of high-pitched singers who serve as the sexual counterpart to the existing Munks. Does a show about humanoid forest creatures really NEED sexual tension? The bestiality jokes write themselves. But the question remains...if the Chipettes were just female Chipmunks, why are they so different looking?

Differences between the Chipmunks and Chipettes:

Wardrobe - The Chipmunks, when not parodying something HILARIOUS like Miami Vice (that's a hot show) or Robocop, stick with the color coded Alpha Male outfits. The Chipettes have full outfits (shirts, pants, headbands, etc.) and even leg warmers.

Skin Color - The Chipmunks are brown. Like chipmunks. The Chipettes are kinda off peach, like animated humans.

Hair - The Chipmunks have little tufts of hair (fur, I guess) on their heads. The Chipettes have human girl hair, a different color than their skin/fur.

If you want to wax philosophic about it, the Chipettes are just little girls with fucked up noses who're into freaky sex, but as I reconsider the information it just comes right back to Dave being a bad parent. If these Chipmunks can walk, talk, scheme, and sing, they could probably shoot rockets out of their eyes and give sight to the blind if they didn't have such a deadbeat dad. Remember the last world famous musician with a deadbeat dad? His name was Michael Jackson, and he did some creepy, creepy things in our lifetime. Like the album "Dangerous," or being a homosexual pedophile.

The torrid history of the Chipmunks was nearing Ragnarok, and in 1987, when the metaphoric Bagdasarian wank reached it's breaking point, the Chipmunks took their money shot on the big screen. To get the gist of "The Chipmunk Adventure," take every episode of Alvin and the Chipmunks you've ever seen (even the ones with Dolly Parton and Mr. T on them), put them into Jodie Foster's big sphere alien spaceship to God, and shoot them off into the abyss. When you awake, you'll be on a beach, and all the bewildering things about Chipmunk Adventure will have manifested themselves into visions of your dead relatives. Then they all start line-dancing.

The Chipmunk Adventure is royally fucked up.

The offbeat shenanigans begin when Dave Seville leaves the kids (or Godless animals, whatever) alone to go on a "business trip" to Europe. Dave's supposed to be a songwriter isn't he? So unless he's just sold a hit song to Enya it's another one of those "wink wink nudge nudge" things we aren't supposed to talk about. Dave leaves the Chipmunks (comin on stronger than ever be-fore) with Miss Miller, an old lady who has the common sense and temperament of a retarded puppy who just stumbled out of the microwave. So basically she's got the common sense and temperament of ANY old lady. Miss Miller is voiced by an actress named Dody Goodman, who's filmography includes playing Mrs. Stimler in "Splash!" and the sassy old lady in "Cool as Ice," a movie so cool that all the ice in my house actually tends to catch fire when it's on TV.

So while Dave's knocking up bitches and snorting coke lines in Paris, Alvin manipulates his guardians into letting the kids join Dave in Europe. Miss Miller, who might be anyone's Grandmother in a post-Apocalyptic world, falls for a torn apart phone conversation taped by Alvin himself. I guess when you grow up as a rock star and you have your money thrown about nonchalantly by your abusive parents, you've got to do what you've got to do to get your rocks off. For Macauly Culkin, it was marrying chunky fifteen year olds and looking like a frog. For Alvin, it was endangering the lives of himself, his brothers, and his ho's.

What did Alvin do that was so bad? Why, he let his ego get the best of him and indirectly turn a SEX WAR (starring Funhouse's JD Roth) with the Chipettes. While battling over local diner video game supremacy, the Chipmunks and Chipettes are recruited into what can best be described as an International crime ring. Why did the Chipmunk movie involve the Chipmunks repeatedly committing crimes? I'm not really sure, because I think less like a children's animator and more like a sane human being. Also, all the water in my head drained out before I learned to speak.

So it turns out that Cruella Deville and Zsa Zsa Gabor's illegitimate lovechild and a guy who I could be describe as "faggity fag fag fag" devise an evil plan, where the Chipmunks and Chipettes will deliver money and diamonds to specific locations across the globe for them. After all, nobody would suspect CHILDREN! Especially weird unholy animal children cruising around the world in unsupervised hot air balloons. Yes, the bad guys' "evil plan" is to send children off into the world in hot air balloons they do not know how to operate and "hope for the best." I would compare that to the United States Government in some way, but I haven't reached that level of comedy writing yet. Did you hear about George W. Bush? HAW HAW! It takes the Chipmunks almost twenty seconds to kill themselves, and then we're on our way. TO ADVENTURE!!!11

"EEEEEEXCELLENT DAAAAAAAAH-LING!" It takes that lady's accent about half a second to make you want to pinch your own eyeballs until they explode. But at least she's efficient - it seems that she outfitted the Chipmunks' hot air balloons with hyper speed capabilities, because, before sundown, they're in Mexico. Far be it from me to accuse the Chipmunks or the fine wacky Muslims at Bagdasarian productions of being racist, but when the GAUCHOS in SOMBREROS show up to have FIESTA, even the most devout liberal begins to feel the need to drag people behind their trucks. And since Theodore is the FAT ONE who has to eat constantly, and Alvin is the SCHEMING ONE who would rather have a 75 cent hula hoop than celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, Alvin prevents Theodore from eating TACOS and BURRITOS and BURROS at least twenty times per minute. Then they all sing AY YI YI YI YI YI LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, a song that would've been made more racist if CHEECH and SCOTT BAIO showed up chase WILD CHICKENS and drink TEQUILA.

After crushing my will to live sufficiently, the vermin deposit the first of several "Chipmunk dolls" under a robotic sombrero, and receive a NEW Chipmunk doll in it's place to show that they made the checkpoint. Here is where we see two large stumbling blocks in plan:

1) If the criminals, complete with an International Crime Syndicate, could construct robot machines in various landmarks around the world (a pole in a canal in Venice, the Pyramids, etc.), and could manufacture Chipmunk dolls to place IN these robot machines in the few days they had to organize this, and the cops NEVER noticed ANYWHERE, why didn't they just take the money and diamonds themselves, and furthermore...

2) If the aforementioned syndicate of nasty guys can send undercover assassins to follow, track, and (if they've done wrong or "catch on" to the plan) attempt to harm the Chipmunks all around the world, why couldn't they have just shipped the undercover assassins out to deliver the goods? Or at least adults? Or at least some HUMAN children?

In fact, when the Chipettes arrive in Bermuda later that same day (from California...in a hot air balloon) the crime syndicate has not ONLY hidden one of the Chipmunk dolls in a safe in a sunken ship (along with other jewels, which I guess are not as important as the ones stuffed into a doll), but they've hired a scuba guy to help the Chipettes find it. That's when the SHARK attacks.

Yes, one of the hazards of International treason is that sharks randomly show up when the kids have scuba'd down into the old ship yard. The good part about the whole "shark attack in a kid's movie" thing is that the shark doesn't do any damage to Brittany's thirteen pound frame! As if a miracle sent from above, the shark bites into Brittany's scuba gear and is thrashed about due to the air pressure released. And thank goodness! I'm sure anyone who has had a limb ripped off mercilessly by a dinosaur of the sea can watch this, and reminisce about all the sidesplitting hijinx that come along with vicious animal attacks. I'm also sure that if Bob Saget watched this scene, he'd add lots of "boink" and "wheEEEEEEEEoo" sound effects to make it just a laugh-riot.

So so far the "Chipmunk Adventure" has objectified a race of people and their homeland, discussed the pros and cons of smuggling, has made a mockery of adult supervision, and featured children being attacked by a shark. What is left for the film to pull up it's night shirt and take a dump all over? HISTORY!

The Chipmunks and Chipettes meet up that night (from Mexico and Bermuda, in hot air balloons) at some Grecian ruins to see who ROCKS and ROLLS more. In fact, the "GIRLS OF ROCK N' ROLL" is one of the most mind-numbing musical numbers in recorded film history. Y'see, the Chipmunks don't know that the Chipettes are in the same place until Alvin and Brittany (being the rascals that they are) both try to steal the same apple from some unassuming local. So, after not being punished, the boys and girls get into another SEX WAR (oh yeah baby) and decide to "dance it out."

Some of the more bizarre things about the scene is that the Chipmunks go in and out of special effects randomly. Sometimes they'll move in slow motion and blink on and off like you were playing Mega Man too fast on the 8-bit Nintendo...sometimes Brittany will sway her hips too fast and fairy dust will fly out. Not to mention the fact that the sacred ruins have been outfitted with strobe lights and multicolored search lights. The Chipettes present themselves as the "Girls of Rock 'n' Roll" ... If the Spice Girls were younger, smaller and covered in brown fur they would be the Chipettes. Early in the movie, the girls' balloon crashes on an island. They tumble out of the basket after plummeting to earth and check for injuries? No. Repair the balloon? No. Check the map? Nope. They take mirrors from their suitcases and try to fix their hair and makeup. They have a caretaker with the deductive reasoning of a squished turd, and what do the Chipmunks have? A careless man who's "business trip" involves him walking around in Greece, sight seeing.

The Chipmunk Adventure is a sad statement on the state of youth in America.

Y'know that whole problem with teenage and child sexuality we're going through in this country right now? We've got 12 year old kids in leather pants not only causing people to spend money that the shouldn't, but to cause the less fortunate brains of the world to write on entertainment website message boards about how "hot" she looks. So how surprising is it that the Chipettes' next stop is in Egypt, where they must dress up like Harem girls in the captivity of a young ruler who sounds suspiciously like Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory? The only thing surprising is that they don't sing a song about how much they want to have sex with a bunch of big snakes.

To make matters worse, the captive Chipettes are given a penguin for entertainment. I guess this is better than Michael Jackson showing up and spinning around until he turns into gold dust, but it adds to the "hur?" aspect of the movie. Being the caring, feeling, nurturing creatures that they are (and the Chipmunks AREN'T...a possible statement on gender superiority) they plot and plan to escape confinement and return the penguin to his "family" in Antarctica. How the Chipettes know that the penguin's family is in a bunch of igloos in Antarctica and not in Jewel's backyard, but I guess if they can circumnavigate the world in two days in a hot air balloon they can walk on fucking water. So how do they escape?

By singing a song about how much they want to have sex with a bunch of big snakes, of course! In order to retrieve the dolls they've worked so hard (for the last...few days, I guess) to procure, they must get past Gosalyn Mallard's horrible clan of deadly animals. These aren't normal snakes, these are snakes thirty times the Chipettes' size that just wander around the palace trying to eat people. I guess life in a foreign country is hard!!!1112

So once the snakes get a bunch of reptilian boners the Manimals are on their way. Meanwhile, the Chipmunks begin playing around with ideas of bondage and class objectification, as the standard "attacked by savages" shtick takes over. See, since traveling in a Warp 5 air balloon takes it's toll on even the most jaded rock star, so the Chipmunks go to sleep. In the morning, Theodore is gone! Did he finally realize that he could've used his girth to head-and-arm-Theodoreplex Alvin's ungrateful little monogrammed ass through a table and gotten a burrito back in Mexico, but no, it turns out he's been kidnapped by the BOOGIE MAN.

The BOOGIE MAN takes the shape of a group of savages, who have kidnapped Theodore and worship him as their GOD!! And it would've worked out fine if R2 would've kept his... I mean, if Alvin and Simon hadn't shown up. After being stripped to their underwear (the wear loincloths beneath their sweaters) and having their goods stolen, the boys learn that Theodore isn't being worshipped as a God, he's being sacrificed to a Volcano God! This answers two questions - first, that the people who wrote Chipmunk Adventure were attempting to rip off every famous movie they could imagine, and two, that Theodore never actually got around to porking Eleanor. Sure, she might be the fat Chipette, but that just means there's more cushion for the pushin!

So in what appears to be two whole seconds after the Chipettes escape creepy child sex they're in Antarctica, where we're treated to a sappy love song about how much they all need their mothers. The closest thing that the Chipettes have to a mother is Miss Miller, so maybe this was an attempt at clearing up some continuity issues. Y'think one of the writers on the film showed up one day and said, "Hey, let's give these characters some real emotions and emotional attachments, so that the audience will care about them on a deeper level?" I say that probably happened, but then the head writer said "no, let's have all the penguins in Antarctica live in Igloos."

In retrospect, I bet the humanoid Chipmunk children are thankful that the penguins down there have evolved enough to become personified themselves, because without them they wouldn't be able to escape the bumbling henchmen. I guess one of the prerequisites to working for an International Crime Syndicate is that you can't read and write, and that you can be physically decimated by whatever small animal happens to wander by. It turns out that the Chipettes are smarter than we all have given them credit for being by figuring out a simple equation:

Attacking bad guys + strange hot air balloon mission around the world = something fishy

Thank God we have some women around, the Chipmunks would've just kept getting attacked until they figured out a ROCKIN' enough song to bring about peace. The girls, after helping out a helpless little animal, singing songs, and being threatened both physically and sexually assaulted realize that they should find the boys and alert the authorities as soon as possible. So, in the time it takes the Chipettes to fly in a balloon from Egypt to Antarctica, what kind of adventures have the Chipmunks found themselves in?

Why, they've been tied to stakes and are being burned alive and fed to alligators! Since the scene comes a little too close to bordering on "adventurous," it turns out that the savages are a big fan of the song 'Woolly Bully.' Hey, you know what DAVE is doing while the Chipmunks face certain death? He's probably shacked up in a hotel in Amsterdam with a couple of cheap streetwalkers and a suitcase full of high-dollar weed. Do you know what MISS MILLER is doing while the Chipmunks face certain death? She probably fell down in the shower and she'll urinate all over herself on the floor until they get home.

Thankfully the Chipmunks sing "Woolly Bully" until the Chipettes show up and fly them away, money and diamonds in tow, in their balloon. Also, the head savage gets eaten by an alligator. There's a lot of other stuff that happens here but it is all really depressing so I don't want to talk about it.

So what happens next?

Exactly what you think would happen. The kids and Dave arrive at the airport (in their respective vehicles, the kids in their balloons and Dave in his psychedelic swinger jet) at the same time JUST IN TIME for a thrilling chase with Claudia an d Claus. In a perfect world the cops would've shown up an unloaded a few rounds into Butthumping Homo's chest and Alvin would've tasted his blood, but since this is a kid's movie we get the aforementioned offbeat shenanigans. Miss Miller shows up, and since she's a burden on society and a waste of life, careens her car into a lightpost, conveniently incapacitating the bad guys and saving the lives of the children.

Here's a quick checklist of the events we've accomplished since beginning our journey into "Chipmunk Adventure:"

- We've learned that it's okay to trick your parent or guardian to get what you want.
- Go along with what criminals say if you believe you will get money for it.
- Make sure you stereotype as many different races and people as possible.
- Don't let fat people eat. Ever.
- Do what you can to show that you're better than women at everything. It doesn't matter if they "care" or "feel," your name's on the movie.
- Acting like you want to have sex with somebody is a good way to get what you want.
- If you're in trouble, keep running away from your problems until something convenient happens to solve them.
- Forget your kids, especially if you get a trip to Europe.

These six anthropomorphized rodents travel around the world, encountering and embodying bits of social reality, seeking to know something they've never known. So are they educated, transformed? Not if Alvin is taken as the representative of the group. In the final scene he's still complaining loudly that they didn't get a part of the thieves' stolen profits provoking Dave to bellow his trademark, "ALVIIIIIIIIIN!"


You little bastard.

Watch...out...cause here comes the end. Doot doot do do do do!

b h-i-p m-u-n-k
swan@whatever-dude.com
AIM NotAGoonie
Vidcaps courtesy of Unappreciative Thomas


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