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Is it WRONG to Rock for Christ?

posted by B on 7/26/01

"I went right along, not fixing up any particular
plan, but just trusting to Providence to put the
right words in my mouth when the time come:
for I'd noticed that Providence always did put
the right words in my mouth, if I left it alone."

- Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

I spent most of my formative years on an uncomfortable church pew, listening to my fat aunts and skinny uncles sing about how I should trust in God, and how he was an AWESOME God, and how when it thunders it's really just God "bowling," or "moving furniture," or "farting." In retrospect, they probably never sang any songs about God's awesome farts, but even flatulent Jehovah knows it would've been more entertaining than the church hymns or three-hour sermons that could've been summed up with "you should be nice to people." After all, they don't call those uncomfortable benches "pews" for nothing.

I could always manage to meander through the mind-numbing dogma and awkward furniture of church, but I could never stand the music. I'll never confess to understanding it, but there's something about "Jesus" and "music" that go together like "Jesus" and "angry Romans." The only difference is that if our eardrums burst and we die a horrible death from having to listen to Steven Curtis Chapman, we don't have the pleasure of being resurrected by our Omni-capable parents. We've just got to lay there on the ground, having seizures and bleeding like a fountain from our ears, while random lines from the "Songs 4 Worship" commercial stay with us for an eternity. Remember when the commercials were for the "Songs 4 Life" collection? What, was Hollywood Hulk Hogan singing them? Awkward wrestling reference aside, I've said it before and I'll say it again: The only Christian music I like is the music that plays when he comes to the ring without Edge.

So I've noticed a big trend in popular music lately; musicians who start off wanting to be Christian artists, but, when the realize they can't make any money or get any credibility doing that (and since most of their songs aren't even 4 15-minutes, much less 4 Life), become "mainstream" artists. You can just look at some people and tell that they want to break out the acoustic guitar and break into a chorus of "Michael Row Your Boat Ashore," but are being paid large amounts of money not to. Personally, I would pay them large amounts of money to never HAVE to look at them in the face, but thanks to my generation struggling to find a happy medium between pussy teen pop and what I like to call "Ugly Guy Rock" (Stain'd, Drowning Pool, ten million others), we're gonna have to.


We're not rocking for Jesus, we're just tools of the establishment! Wait, no we're not, we're just a bunch of tools.

The biggest of these acts is "Creed," who only avoid "Ugly Guy Rock" because...well, I don't know why, they're all pretty ugly. The mainstream world (i.e., people who watch and enjoy Jim Carrey movies) sees them as "too nice" to be metal, and the metal world (i.e., people who watch and enjoy Ozzy) see them as "too lame" to even walk upright. It's an understandable feeling though, because lead singer Scott Stapp has built an evil time machine, so that when his video has finished playing he can go back in time and play it again. In fact, statistical reports tell us that at any moment anywhere in the world, VH1, or it's new sister channel, MTV, are displaying the Cro-Magnon front man and his Shih Tzu haircut. Not since Darlene's boyfriend David on "Roseanne" have I seen a grown man display a dog's haircut in such a shameless manor. I bet if you tossed a milkbone on stage during a Creed concert his feral instincts would kick in and he'd start urinating all over the stage.

So is Creed a Christian rock band?

"This is a very personal question because the whole foundation of being a Christian is a personal relationship. I can say that all the members believe in God, but we each differ on our methods to reach Him. We are all still learning and growing, and God can only answer this question, because who are we to say that being a Christian is the only way to heaven. I know this might be hard to understand for all the Christians who follow the band--and trust me, I know where you are coming from--but let us continue to seek, and if that is the way, then we will find, if we continue to knock, the doors will be opened." -- Scott Stapp

First of all, who spells him "Him" if they aren't spending their Sunday mornings singing about how awesome God is and their Wednesday afternoons listening to poorly made puppets tell them how to worship? I guess when you're part of a religion that routinely persecutes people because of their race or sexual preference, wacky capitalization is the least of our worries. Second of all, Stapp's rambling can easily be translated as "Yes, we're a Christian band, but don't tell anybody, because we still want to make money." Their first big hit "My Own Prison" manages to avoid being directly about Jesus with lyrics like "I hear a thunder in the distance, see a vision of a cross...I feel the pain that was given on that sad day of loss." Rest assured that Creed has a HaRdKOrE reason for writing the song: Scott overdosed on shroom juice and thought he was gonna die! And then he bungee jumped and rode a skateboard down a waterfall!!!11


Creed, from Left to Right - Captain Retard, Flea, Scott Stapp, Sean O'Haire

The painful reality surrounding Creed is much deeper than their werewolf-like "good looks," dirty sideburns, and religious manipulation. Creed (who get their name because of their deep religious convictions (shh) or Sabretooth from X-Men, one or the other) are the most overexposed band I've been alive to witness. To be honest with you, if Creed wanted "more exposure" they'd have to run around town in trenchcoats, grunting and growling through trite and hypocritical lyrics while swinging their nutsacks around in front of unsuspecting grannies. How on Earth did these slack-jawed yokels from the Florida panhandle become so famous? It's hard to say. You could say that they whore themselves out more than the illegitimate love child of every 13 year old Vietnamese girl you've ever seen in an Oliver Stone film and Heidi fucking Fleiss, but that would be overstating the obvious.

A direct quote from the gentle, introspective Scott Stapp: "My songs are a way to teach myself to be a better person."

A lyric from the Creed song "What's This Life For" - "Don't say a last prayer, because you could never find what's this life for...But they ain't here anymore, don't have to settle the score, cause we all live under the reign of one king." The official Creed website says that this was a song written (OBVIOUSLY never mentioning Jesus a bunch of times) about one of Scott's friends who committed suicide, based on his suicide note. Heartbreaking honesty, which can be found on the soundtrack to the LL Cool J/Jen from Dawson's Creek classic film Halloween: H20.

A lyric from the Creed song "Is This the End" - "The rage in my eyes could have compared to the eye of a sun. Then rain took it's course through the hands of the Son. Repent for all time." A heartwrenching song that is OBVIOUSLY and COMPLETELY not about Jesus Christ, from the Scream 3 soundtrack. Perhaps Scotty 2 Hotty was "teaching himself" to squeeze lyrics about Christ into the soundtrack of a film that is not only mostly about murder, but features David Arquette heavily. All that movie needed was Paul Reiser's blabbering head on a sharp post and it would be how I picture Hell when I close my eyes.

More Stapp wisdom: "I love strong, I care strong, everything about me is very deep."

If you watch any of their videos...can any man want to be Jesus Christ himself more than Scott Stapp? Rock stars take self-involvement to new heights to begin with, but Creed, and, more specifically, mullet-head, take self-involvement even HIGHER. To a place where blind men see! I wonder if the blind men notice how Stapp is always standing in one of two positions:


JESUS CHRIST this gets me hot!

Position 1) Knees slightly bent, lurching over the microphone, holding it with both hands like he's trying to keep a big cock from sliding down his throat.


Wind-up Records so loved the world that they gave us their only begotten son.

Position 2) Feet together, arms spread "wide open" like he's just been hung up on a cross.

So he's either got a God complex or some latent homosexuality going on. The guy does the "Jesus pose" once every two seconds, and thanks to the miracle of special effects, can make himself float above the crowd. I can just picture him at home, with his hook-nosed wife and dog-faced kid, standing by his swimming pool sticking his foot on top of the water and then getting pissed when it sinks. I can't wait for their next video, where he feeds the entire audience with just two fish and two loaves of bread.

Just as an apology, before the hate mail comes rolling in...I'm sure Stapp's wife is not hook-nosed, and I'm sure his child he named after one of the Rolling Stones is so beautiful that the planets align when the kid burps. I just wanted to make that paragraph as hateful as possible, so that just in case the cum guzzler ever reads this he can feel 1/1000th of the pain he's made me feel.

Just as an apology, before the hate mail comes rolling in...I know that Stapp does not actually guzzle cum. Have you seen the guy? Look at his hair! That guys swallows, big time. And as an apology to all the chowder-swallowing bull queers out there, sorry guys, I should've never put somebody like Stapp in your company. You guys are the reason I can find such awesome used camouflaged pants at the thrift store! Rock on, bull queers, you take me HIGHER!

Watching any music television network and seeing the first few chords of a Creed video is like watching Saturday Night Live and seeing Jimmy Fallon pick up an acoustic guitar. It's that "things have been bad so far, but I'm going to start puking up blood if I don't change the channel in a second." Oh, Jimmy, your song about getting presents at Christmas sounds like Eve 6! THAT'S FUNNY! Oh, Creed, your song about Jesus doesn't SOUND like a song about Jesus! ROCK ON YOU BIG BRIGHT SHINING STAR! For those of you out there who have never heard a Creed song before (which I guess is just my Uncle who lost his hearing in Vietnam, and this Mormon girl I used to date), here's my problem. I wanted to put up a Creed soundbite, so that the uneducated can get just a taste of the evil they've infected me with. But when I uploaded the soundbite, the evil took control of my arm and tried to kill Lady Eboshi.

So what I did was talk my good friend Chuck (who is a bad ass, sometimes) from The No Name Site to whip me up a Creed Mp3, and he gave me a classic rendition of "With Arms Wide Open," Creed's big hit about childbirth.

Click HERE to download "With Arms Wide Open" by TNNS Superstar Chuck!

If you download the song you'll get a great mix of Stapp's "I'm trying to take a shit on stage for Jesus I mean not for Jesus" vocal excrement with some appropriate lyric changes. Chuck's Mp3s are some of the funniest things you'll hear, so check it out.

What else is there to say about America's favorite shitty band? I don't know much about the other guys in the group (bassist "The Blowfish," drummer "The Pips," and as always "The E Street Band" on lead guitar), but they all kinda look like douchebags. Here's a picture of them all sitting around with their shirts off.

Don't they all look like they're fighting off hard-ons? Especially the guy in the bottom left in the eyeliner, with his head placed seductively by Monkey Greaseball's shoulder. Uh oh, America, watch out! The skinny audiovisual club kids are tattooed and ready to rock your face off! Maybe I got the wrong idea about Jesus and his "children." I mean, I know Jesus wandered around in the desert with a bunch of dudes and all, but in the Last Supper he's not in a pair of speedos stretched out on the table with Judas eating grapes out of his belly-button, is he? If I recall my Sunday school teaching, God turned a whole TOWN full of these guys into burning pillars of salt.

If you'd like to learn more about Creed (and I know you do), feel free to spend the fifteen bucks you could've used to rent Josie and the Pussycats FOUR TIMES with on one or both of their multi-platinum albums.

Try "My Own Prison," Creed's first big label release featuring NO (I mean, all) songs about the grace of Mother Mary's healing touch, and cover art so prolific that it actually shows you what you will end up doing if you play the record: cowering in the corner, shirtless and scared of yourself, trying not to read the Bible or stick your tongue in some guy's asshole.

Or, if you find pleasure in pain, check out "Human Clay." But don't base Creed's sound on what you hear on the radio! No! Just like GREAT bands like 311, you CAN'T judge them based on the singles that the record companies think are the ones most people are gonna like. Watch Stapp almost admit that he sucks Alec Baldwin-voiced human-like computer animated ASS ("I said I'm not afraid of weakness and that's the key to understand" from the song "Youth Grow Old"). Watch him not make ANY references to the Bible! ("She came calling one early morning, she showed her crown of thorns" from "Wash Those Years Away") Watch me jump through my window and run off screaming into the night, because I just did way too much research.

Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let searing abdominal gas pains replace all our Creed songs.

Except you have to say it like "tha HOOOONE LAY Huh-DEEEEFROOOOONCE EEEEEYHAAAAYS."

Jesus Christ, I hate Creed.

b
swan@whatever-dude.com
AIM NotAGoonie
Make sure to read our site evaluation and my interview at HATE and be sure to check out FilmSpies for all your movie needs. Except for Raisinets!!111 CHECK MAH BELLY FOR THOSE!!!! OMG!!!11


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