So to make it up to all the people who place the blood of the lamb on their doorposts to keep people who hate Creed from entering their homes, I've decided to select the most hate-free reader submission ever. Take it away, boys!
(Note: I am writing this for everyone’s favorite Jeff Hardy fan/sexually ambiguous wonder B, because he couldn’t even start on this article without attempting to slit his wrists with a screwdriver and yell racial slurs at his monitor. Stick to Uncle Kracker, B, I’m confident in my willpower to stomach this tripe. As added security, leave a loaded gun in my mailbox, please.)
Call me “Not Dave”, call me “Other Dave”, call me “Dave Version 2.x ME”, just call. Please.
You know, every few years(or if you watch MTV, days) a video/song will come along and make us all question just why we all would volunteer to continue breathing. I stand before you now, a broken and miserable man. I would be fine if they just played idiot videos on MTV. There would be no problem. I would merely switch channels until something worth watching came on, perhaps Tough Enough. No, no, that would be too easy. Now MTV wants to show you just HOW EXACTLY they make a video. Yes, let’s be guided through every painful second of “the magic” of what thought process happens when the members of N*SYNC decide that their version of “pop” is now “dirty”. Excuse me while I go decide that my “cigarettes” now cause “orgasms” instead of “emphysema”. Now I’ll just have 10 Swedish guys locked in a room in Orlando write a ballad about it, and then *I* will be on TRL for 63 straight days.
How did I get sidetracked on N*SYNC? This isn’t even about them. No, this article deals with a far worse group of miscreants. Who are they? Well, let me build up to it a bit. They first came onto the scene a couple of years ago, telling me how if I wanted to hang out with them, I was going to have to pay all their bills. Well, I’ll pass, I have enough bills of my own. Then, they wanted me to say their name, say their name. Well, at first I thought they all had the same name. Kind of like how I used to call Sisqo “Dru Hill”, because, well, I thought it was his name. “Dru Hill and the Three Other Guys” sounded like a perfectly acceptable group name. Oops, sidetracked again. So then this group comes back, and decides that they no longer want me to pay all of their bills, as they are now independent (read: TRL picked up our videos so now we makes da cheddar, yo), and if they want something, they’ll buy it. Hey, works for me. Then, the idiocy struck a new level. I thought they couldn’t breathe without me. They’re inhaling. I thought they couldn’t sell without me. Sold 9 million.
Then, when I thought I had myself collected and ready to move on, I was struck with an errant thought.
I am not, in fact, ready...for ‘this jelly.’
LORD HELP US ALL DESTINY’S CHILD IS BACK AND THEY SOLD 9 MILLION ARE YOU READY FOR BOOTYLICIOUS OMG IS THAT STEVIE NICKS DOING GUITAR???/// WAS SHE IN THE BAND HEART OMG YOU GO GIRLFRIEND GEMINI SPIDER-MAN TIMBERLAND WE DON’T NEED NO MAN WE ARE INDEPENDENT WOMEN HEY DADDY CAN I HAVE $50 TO GO TO HOT TOPIC???///
Quick Aside Note: If Destiny/Beyonce(same person, like Sisqo/Dru Hill) suddenly decided to pose for Playboy, I would become the group’s biggest fan EVAH.
I also just noticed that I’m talking about them on the internet. I guess my momma didn’t “taught me better than that”. I would compromise my Christianity, but how can I do that when I have none? After I go hate on them in a magazine, that makes me the Triple Crown Destiny’s Child Playa Hata 2001 Champion. I expect that to be my new title on the forum.
I know that paragraph made no sense. Parlez vous bling bling?
So the video for “BOOTYLICIOUS” opens, and it’s got our three girls, dressed in yellowshesaidhellocomesitnexttomeyoufinefellow, in a dressing-room type apparatus. (SECRETS OF VIDEO #1: They are not looking into a mirror, in fact they are looking into the camera.) The “dressing room” is home to D.C., Stevie Nicks, Beyonstiny’s lil’ sister, Destiny Knowles, Jr a.k.a. “The Newest Member After We Kick Out Kelly For Some Fake Reason”, a big fat girl, a bigger fatter girl, some douchebag with an afro, about 4 more douchebags, and Rocky Dennis. Beyonstiny tells us she’s wearing a fedora with a feather and a gold tooth because she’s pretending to be a PIMP.
Ooohhhhhmmmm, I thought her momma taught her better than that.
Let’s look at some lyrics, then back to the video.
“Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? Beyonstiny, can you handle this?”
W...T...F...? Is John Holmes in the room? What can they not handle? I MUST KNOW!
This video is interesting...slightly...for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it’s not just another “Destiny’s Child Video Starring Beyonstiny and Two Other Girls”, as both Kelly and Michelle get their own parts to sing. Don’t get too up in arms about this, though, because Beyonstiny is there in the chorus to sing over both of them. She really, really wants to be Mariah Carey. Think when she goes solo her tits will get bigger as her music career progresses? Right now B is covering all bets on that, the odds are 4-1.
If you were possibly wondering(and I know you weren’t) about how I can hold so much resentment for Destiny’s Child and their music/videos, I can only point you to the video for “Survivor”. Okay, they’re on a deserted island...and they’re looking for a helicopter or something to take them home. It could work, until you factor in one small thing.
They have backup dancers.
Okay, problem is solved. Forget smoke signals, spelling “HELP” on the beach with rocks, flashing some teat to make a passing cruise ship pull over. Forget all that. Know why? I have never...EVER...known there to exist a backup dancer who did not have a cella phone. Come on, Beyonstiny, just turn around and say “Yo Lil’ Boo Shorty, gimme dat celly and we be gettin’ off this mug! Pay mah bills!”
Yeah, I know reading that you’d think Farooq said it, but it’s really how Beyonstiny talks, I swear.
And because I can’t get enough Destiny-bashing, here’s me making fun of their Bio page:
In the first year of its release, The Writing's On The Wall spent 47 out of 52 weeks in the Top 40 or better of the Billboard 200 Album chart.
So did Andy Gibb’s “Shadow Dancer”, what’s the point?
The group opened this year's Soul Train Awards and has appeared on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," "Donnie & Marie," "Regis & Kathie Lee," "Rosie O'Donnell," and numerous other programs.
Why someone would willingly go on the Rosie O’Fatty-Boom-Batty show is way beyond me. Maybe they talked about being positive role models while Rosie screamed “I LOVE YOU ALL I HAVE EVERY RECORD PEOPLE DON’T KNOW I WAS AN ORIGINAL MEMBER THEN I GOT KICKED OUT FOR EATING TWO OF THE OTHER GIRLS I KNOW MADONNA!”
Destiny's Child has contributed music to the hit soundtracks for "Men In Black," "Romeo Must Die," and "Life." The group performs two songs--"Independent Women Part I" and "DOT"--on the best-selling Charlie's Angels -- Music From The Motion Picture
Oh Jesus Christ. I just noticed something. The song is called “Independent Women Part I”...that means there is a “Part II” on the way. Oh man, I’m gonna go jump off something high now. Also, the background music on their site is goddamned horrible, look what I endure just so you people can be informed. Someone buy me a Hostess Fruit Pie. Apple.
When "Independent Women Part I" hit #1 on the U.K. charts, Destiny's Child became the first American all-female group to hold that position since 1989, when the Bangles hit it with "Eternal Flame."
If their webmaster so much as THINKS of comparing D.C. to the Bangles again, I will personally rip his heart out with a spoon. (Why a spoon cousin, why not a knife? Cause it’s dull you idiot, it’ll hurt mooooaaaarrre. 30 points to whoever catches that reference and starts a thread on the forum.)
Destiny's Child were presented the prestigious Sammy Davis, Jr. Award for Entertainer Of The Year at the Soul Train Awards ceremony on February 28, 2001.
Unless they all got glass eyes, joined up with Tony Soprano, became devil-worshippers, converted to Judaism, and shrunk...I don’t think they’re eligible for the Sammy Award.
After all this, it appears I still am not ready for this jelly. Nor should you be, if you ever want to get laid.
A plague on all your houses, Daddy Knowles. Why Michael Jordan’s father, why not you?
Ow. That was just mean.
Side Note: I love how Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears both say “I’m a virgin. I’m waiting until marriage for sex!” Why do I love that? Well, mostly because Nick 98* and Justin Pubehead have said...nothing...that would...imply...they too...are waiting...for marriage...heh. Let’s go hump some 15-year-old groupies!
“In a tragic story, last night while reading a bedtime story to her 45 adopted-cause-no-man-would-fuck-her-even-John McD-kids, Rosie O’Donnell died when her neck, unable to support the watermelon of a head she has--sorry--had, suddenly crumbled into dust. She leaves behind someone else’s kids they didn’t want, an assload of money, and a whole lot of fat-assed soccer moms who have flooded Napa Valley with their tears. She will best be remembered for having the uncanny talent to take the most conservative side to any argument without knowing any actual facts, and the supernatural ability to end every other sentence with ‘I KNOW MADONNA!’”
Every day I cry. I cry because I wake up, turn on the news, open up the newspaper, and I do not hear or read those very words printed above. It is then when I, much like Elvis, shoot my television and use my cigarette to light the newspaper aflame. I pray to whatever Cap’N Blindy McNoEyes God there is in heaven that my house will go up in a towering inferno, alas it never works out. One more day with Rosie O’Bighead.
One more day in hell.
Okay, okay, I will admit it. Rosie does a LOT of charity work. She helps a lot of kids and people who can’t help themselves. If that’s all she was doing, no problem. My big thing is, she doesn’t have to brainwash the fucking nation while she’s doing it! Monday, he gives presents to a kid in a burn ward, while telling how abortion is murder and you go to Hell if you’re involved with one. Tuesday, she gives a poor family a new Geo Metro, while letting them know that if you don’t recycle, little baby dragons will carry you off in your sleep. Wednesday, she’s delivering canned goods to the projects, and filling them in to the fact that if you own a gun, Jesus hates you and so does she. Even if you are a licensed P.I.
Yeah, you had to know that was coming.
I was working the night shift a couple years ago, so I routinely got up about 4pm every day. Apparently I was watching whatever channel the Infernal Hosebeast is on. So I make my usual wake-up meal of frozen pizza, instant grits, and beef stuffed nachos from Schwann’s (I’m a big guy, I eat), and sat down on the couch. I had turned on the television before I sat down, and by the time I was sitting with my food and remembered I hadn’t been able to find my remote in 5 days, the realization suddenly kicked in that I was in fact, watching The Rosie O’Donnell show.
Normally, I would cast my food aside and do something, anything, to get that beanbag off my TV, but today she was having Tom Selleck and Jake Lloyd as guests. I was pretty pumped for Episode 1, so I figured if the kid was on she’d show some clips or something. Boy, was I in for a surprise. I don’t really need to go into it, as I’m sure almost all of you either saw it or heard about it, but seriously, it was just wrong.
She blasted Selleck for being a “spokesman” for the NRA. He tried, multiple times, to explain that he was in fact NOT a spokesman, just a member. She wouldn’t listen. She is not totally at fault, come on now, if you have a 7-inch thick skull covered by 14 inches of fat and 4 inches of make-up, you’d be hard of hearing too, right? Selleck, to his credit, acted a lot more gentlemanly than I would have. First words out of my mouth?
“Hey, don’t you shill for K-Mart? They sell rifles there, right? Didn’t those fuck-ups at Columbine use rifles? Do you believe in the Big Bossman?”
Her next crime is her infatuation with Tom Cruise. How clever. Trick people into thinking you aren’t a lesbian by professing your absolute love for.....a gay guy? Clever, indeed. Ever see the show where he was a guest? The kisses he planted on her, the pained look on his face, he may as well have been kissing Nicole. Side Note: Sorry, Tom, you are 5’4” and gay. While she was gone for a year making Moulin Rouge with Ewan MacGregor, you were busy lubing up your arm to the elbow, and Ewan was lubing up your wife. It’s the truth. Ever seen that foreign flick The Pillow Book? Ewan is hung like a goddamned donkey. You never stood a chance, Maverick. End Side Note.
Crime #3 is her friendship with Madonna. You ever go to a club and see one hot girl, and you just KNOW she brought her chubby buddy along as a decoy? You know how if you plan on getting that girl into the sack that night, someone is going to have to take home Chubs? (I’m looking at YOU, Macchia) Meet Rosie O’Donnell, the chubby buddy. Strange thing is, her and Madonna actually are friends. I know, I was surprised too. Although I’m sure Madonna is friends with her solely because it projects an “upstanding citizen of society” image for her. I don’t even know why I’m defending Madonna. Unless she’s on her knees blowing me with all the enthusiasm of Rosie shoveling Ring-Dings in her mouth, I can’t stand her.
Come to think of it, the line of Ring-Dings Rosie eats per day is about the same size of the line of athletes leading up to Madonna’s seat at the NBA All-Star Game.
Now you my be thinking, “Mob, why do you hate Rosie so much? What has she ever done to you?” Well, I have the answer for you.
Flashback once again to two years ago. I had seen Fight Club on opening weekend, because I’m a geek for Edward Norton like that. ( Kidding, I’m a geek for Brad Pitt! LOL!!!111) I loved the movie. So it’s Monday, and much like the Tom Selleck episode, Rosie is on and I’m too lazy to change the channel. Well, on that day Rosie told us all how much she hated Fight Club. How no one should see that movie. Then, she proceeded to REVEAL THE ENDING OF THE MOVIE ON NATIONAL GODDAMNED TELEVISION 3 DAYS AFTER IT'S THEATRICAL RELEASE!
Watch the Fight Club DVD, with the commentary track from Fincher, Norton, and Pitt. They have some choice words for Rosie.
I have some choice words as well.
“Please die, so I may live happily."
AIM: Suicide King Mob
I speak a little French...you’re an assbite, pardon my french.