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I Know What I Did This Summer

posted by Dave on 8/07/01

"Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say.
But nothin comes out when they move they lips,
Just a buncha gibberish
And muthafuckas act like they forgot about Dave."

P.S. We should be together too!

Now I know the question that has been on most readers minds over the past month is, "Where has Dave been?".

No, actually Dave we haven't been wondering that at all.

Oh well. You see folks, back in the beginning of May, a part of me was destroyed. Since I've already bored my real life friends to tears with this story, I figured I could get more mileage out of it by telling it to you, the loyal readers of Whatever-Dude.

Here we go.

Wait just a minute. If you're talking about your personal life, does that technically make Whatever-Dude an E/N site?

No... it makes it MY site.

Anyway, back to the story. Now back in May, I was innocently walking home from work to my posh one bedroom apt. in Midtown Manhattan, when I stopped at the local CVS for some hair products and condoms.

63 girls stand up:

"Dave... c'mon, we know you never use those things."

That's a lie! I do too use hair products.

Also, when you said 63, you really meant 9 girls, right?

Ummm.... (hangs head in shame)... Yeah. (sniffle)

Now little did I know that a mere block away from where I was doing my shopping, a tragedy was taking place. As I walked down E 52nd St., I couldn't help but notice a plethora of firetrucks down at the end of the block near my apt. building. Still though, it didn't really register. I mean, it must be some other apartment building that must have caught fire. Or maybe it was one of those flaming bags again.

Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!

Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman!!

As I walked further down the street though, it dawned on me that these fire trucks were indeed parked smack dab in front of my little four story walk up. As I looked up at the building, I couldn't help but notice that the apartment directly above mine no longer had windows and from the street, I could see that it was completely scorched on the inside.

Still though, the magnitude of what I was about to find still hadn't completely registered. With CVS bag in hand, I made my way past some firefighters and walked up a pitch black stairwell to my apt.. Upon entering, it dawned on me...

God and his friend Max had poured the proverbial Slushie on my head.

I stood in bewilderment as I witnessed my entire living room ceiling scattered across my living room floor. On top of that, it was raining in my apartment. So I made my way to the bedroom where I looked up and noticed the ceiling still intact. As if on cue, the moment I entered the room, it collapsed, partially hitting me in the shoulder.

Sensing that it probably wasn't the best idea in the world for me to be up there, I made my way back through the darkness and down to the street below. I pulled a firefighter aside and asked him if he knew what had happened.

His answer:

"It was those damn Alpha Betas playing "Fireball" again."

Actually, it turned out that the girl in the apartment above mine left a cigarette lit and it ended up setting the place on fire more quickly than Richard Pryor, a spoon, a lighter, baking soda, and some cocaine could have.

I swear, I've never freebased coke before. I saw how to on a documentary. Yeah... that's the ticket.

Now normally I would have been furious at this girl... but she was the best looking girl in the whole building... and everyone was really nice to her.

It's cause ya got big jugs. I mean... your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeez'em!! Mama!! (suck)(suck)(suck)

So as I stood out on the street, unsure of what to even do, I came up with a plan. It actually seemed like a good plan at the time... but I guess finding as many different covers to The Boy in the Plastic Bubble as I possibly could, really wasn't the answer to my problems.

Jump over me, Gina!

Jump over me, Gina!

Jump over me, Gina!

Jump over me, Gina!

Jump over me, Gina!

Still in kind of a daze, I ended up going to the nearest payphone and placed a call to my good friend, James Canney. Unfortunately, he was indisposed at that moment in time:


I was then going to call James' brother Ryan and his friends up in Boston... but then I remembered that those guys are really, really gay.

Be on the lookout for the Beantown Boys latest single: "Put the Map of Hawaii on My Stomach"

So I ended up calling my Mother; we took whatever we could carry out of my apartment and drove back to my boyhood home in New Jersey.

Welcome home, douchebag.

Now being that my apartment was now destroyed and I wasn't exactly doing stellar work at my well paying job at the Bank of Tokyo... when I returned to work a few days after I got settled into my Mom's house... I made a big decision.

You see, there was no way in hell I could wake up at 5 in the morning and take the bus into the city from Jersey everyday... only to go to a place I wasn't happy working at. I mean, it was one thing to wake up, roll out of bed... and walk 20 minutes crosstown to go to work. Actually having to put in effort to get to the office was a different story altogether.

So I decided to quit my job. I walked into my office and told my boss I needed to speak with him. Well, it turned out he needed to speak with me as well. You see, he was supposed to give me a warning that either I had to make a major improvement in my performance within a month's time... or I was going to be let go.

It was within this conversation, that he let fly the quote of the year. He told me, "Dave... the Japanese are not big fans of your work.". I actually had to chuckle out loud at that one...

I'm not a big fan of your work, Dave. I also put Liquid Heat on your jock.

I had my out... so I took it. Now being that my boss and my old man are pretty friendly.. I knew that this guy would have fought for me to stay on, even if I didn't improve. So I cut a deal. I told him I would save him a hard decision down the road and just "resign"... but he had to make sure that the Human Resources people understood it was a "mutual" decision... therefore allowing me to legally be eligible to collect unemployment.

So what have I been up to during my first summer off in quite some time? Well, basically I've been trying to beat Grandpa Joe's record for "Laziest Scumbag on the Planet"

You found a golden ticket? Hmmm... my legs suddenly work!! Let's dance!!

Actually, I've been spending a lot of my time with my new girlfriend, Jaime... but since I'm an internet writer, who the hell's gonna believe that story.

I met a girl. We're going out... LOL!!11

So basically, after a summer of relative inactivity, I sit here kind of depressed and wondering what I'm going to do with my life...

Depressed; Serial Killer; or wannabe member of O-Town... you make the call.

God, what am I going to do?


God, is that you talking? I have so many questions...


God, can't I just sit here in my chair and talk to you?

Silly boy, you can sit in that chair and talk to God all you'd like.... but you see, I'm right outside your window... and the name's not God... it's...

"Zod... General Zod."


Kneel before Zod!

Hold up... Now you've been hovering out there listening to me tell my little tale of woe. I gotta ask ya, Zod. What would you do?

"Get up on my feet and let go of every excuse."

What would you do?

"Cause I wouldn't want my baby to go through what I went through."

What would you do?

"Get up on my feet and stop makin' tired excuses."

What would you do?

"Girl I know if my mother can do it, baby you can do it."

Non... take it home!!

"What would you do if your son was at home
crying all alone on the bedroom floor cuz he's hungry
and the only way to feed him is to,
sleep with a man for a little bit of money and his daddy's gone
somewhere smokin' rock now in and out of lock down
I ain't got a job now
so for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call life
Come on..."

You know, for someone who didn't say a single word during Superman II, Non surprisingly has a lovely singing voice.... and from the way he's handling that missile, it looks like he's no phony baloney Rosie O'Donnell when it comes to handling a guy's junk.

By the way... you're absolutely right Zod, old pal. All I really have to do is believe in myself and apply myself and there's nothing in this world I can't accomplish.

Also, David... you gotta knock off doing this shit every damn weekend...

Sweet, sweet medicine.

General Zod... let's not get carried away now. I think with just a little increase in ambition and motivation... I'll be just fine. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the advice... See ya around!

"Ursa... there goes a kid with a nice future ahead of him. Now kneel before Zod (wink)."





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