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When Movies Go Bad: Part Two
posted by B on 2/17/01


Paul did a good job covering some major offenses in When Movies Go Bad: Part One so I can skip the whole intro spiel.


"Girl, Interrupted"

Year of Release: 2000

The Pitch: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" for the sexually abused/trendy lesbian/brother humping crowd. That means taking away the humanity of the characters, every ounce of believability, and any aspect of entertainment. Based on the true memoirs of one of those "I want to carve Cure lyrics into my arms" girls, it comes across NOT as a delicate portrayal of a damaged psyche, but as a woman rationalizing her life as a social reject. Imagine a depressed Golden Girls.

Starring: Former Johnny Depp-humping Winona Ryder, former Ted Danson-humping Whoopi Goldberg, former brother-humping Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie's greasy lips.

Reason for Making the Movie: The idea of mentally queered young girls bemoaning their horrible lives must be appealing to somebody. Especially when the "victims" are skinny, pretty girls with big boobs. Anyway, it's a case of the Erin Brockovich, some woman thinks her life is so amazing and wonderful that we've got to sit through a two or so hour ego-stroke in the name of cinema. At least Erin Brockovich did something marginally important. This chick just kinda sat in the hallway of a mental institution and played the guitar. The stuff dreams are made of.

Where It Went Wrong: The memoirs were written by a brain fart to begin with, and the script seems to have combined the farted memoirs with a diatribe that could've been produced by a twelve year old with a Powerbook. To create your own "Girl Interrupted" go to the convenience store and buy about twenty-thousand dollars worth of cigarettes. Then, sit around with your beautiful friends smoking the cigarettes and call each other "asshole" all day. They should've changed the name of this movie to "Don't Date Me."

Where It REALLY Went Wrong: Giving Angelina Jolie as Oscar for this movie was a huge mistake, both because of her abysmal performance as a SCARRED LESBIAN OMG (her third or fourth time playing the exact same character, read "Gia," "Foxfire," etc.) and because boyfriends across the country were forced into the theaters against their will. Taking a guy to see "Girl, Interrupted" is right behind "putting their nuts in a bear trap" on the "Horrible Things to Do to Your Boyfriend" list.

Overall: Hey, it's not as good as "Spice World," but at least it's not "Boy's Don't Cry." Can't a woman pursue a relationship with another woman without them having to have lesbian sex all over the place? Jesus. Strike a blow for equality, dammit! Pow! Pow!


"Eyes Wide Shut"

Year of Release: 1999

The Pitch: People walk around on the streets, staring and wondering about things. For three hours. Then they sit and think about things. For three more hours. Then they watch people have sex for a few more hours. Then it's over.

The movie's only about 2 1/2 hours long, but sitting in the theater it felt like eight or nine. Or maybe that was the number of times I tried to take my life.

Starring: CRUISE KIDMAN KUBRICK, like it says on the poster. Also, many naked and uninteresting people.

Reason for Making the Movie: Stanley Kubrick, the undisputed King of Hit and Miss, wanted to make a movie where famous people had lots of sex. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman didn't want people to keep thinking they were gay, so they took a break from adopting "children of the world" to hump each other on camera. It was to be Kubrick's first film in years, and the 27th time Cruise would appear in his underwear on the silver screen.

Where It Went Wrong: I'm sure the movie's point and direction was GREAT, but Stanley Kubrick up and died during the filming, so he never got a chance to edit it. That means that scenes drag on, motivations become diluted, and movie goers starve to death waiting for it to end. You miss out on the films high points, like it's lighting and art direction, when you're trying to smash your face on the seat in front of you.

Where It REALLY Went Wrong: There's only one song on the entire soundtrack, a grating piano tinkling that sounds like somebody's cat walked across the keys. Nothing adds to the twenty or so minute scenes of Tom Cruise staring at the camera doing nothing like music notes so soft they appear to be jabbing you in the ears with a fork. A sharp fork. With spikes all over it.

Overall: The movie's not as bad as I say, but I really can't remember the good parts. All I remember is BING...BING...BING BING BING BING BING BOOONNGGGGG..... In fact, that's all I hear all day, every day, no matter where I am. The madness will soon take my soul. And remember, you can NOT powerbomb Kidman. He'll reverse it. Every time.


Disney's "Hercules"

Year of Release: 1997

The Pitch: There was a pitch for this? I would imagine that Disney has abused every fairy tale they could get their hands on. After a failed attempt to rape history (Pocahontas) and before a failed attempt to rape classic literature (The Hunchback of Notre Dame), Disney decided to attempt a rape of religious history.

Starring: The voices of Tate Donovan, James Woods, Bobcat Goldwaith, and hundreds of others who ALSO have no cultural relevance.

Reason for Making the Movie: Michael Eisner wanted his name written in platinum gold on the bottom of his swimming pool. When company execs told him that they could only do it in yellow gold, an enraged Eisner prompted his already trained and low on morale staff of animators to produce the story of Hercules, of course, without having anything to do with Hercules at all.

Where It Went Wrong: The songs and cheesy one-liners hit a Disney low previously only touched by "The Aristocats." When the kids are in trouble, they shout out "CALL EYE X EYE EYE" because they use ROMAN NUMERALS AND THIS IS FUNNY ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 In one of the major songs, a parade of black women (?) proclaim that Hercules "puts the 'glad' in 'gladiator'." That's when I put the poison down my throat.

Where It REALLY Went Wrong: Disney's always been kinda out of it when it comes to the theme song for their animated classics. Phil Collins, Vanessa Williams, Peabo Bryson, etc. But Michael Bolton? His song "Go the Distance" is one of the most forgettable in animated history, in the "Swan Princess" or "Quest for Camelot" category. Besides, who in the hell likes Michael Bolton other than my aunt, and she only likes him because she digs bald guys with mullets.

Overall: The dirty number one on the list of worst Disney movies. I worked at a Blockbuster Video, and one day I was working with Carol...who put in Hercules. I remember falling to my knees at least twice in pain, trying to straighten up videos molested by children and help people find the latest Ashley Judd classic. The worst part is that I couldn't even SEE the movie. I couldn't imagine what WATCHING the movie would be like.


Paul's a great writer, but he made a big mistake in When Movies Go Bad: Part One. He said that "Battlefield: Earth" was the worst movie ever made. Though it CAN kill a baby still in the womb, it cannot COMPARE in any category with the sacrilege of the TRUE worst movie of all time.

Close your eyes and pray.


"Batman and Robin"

Year of Release: 1997

The Pitch: The other three Batman movies, despite a steady decline of quality, made hundreds of millions of dollars. The idea is that the series could be improved by CRAMMING every celebrity they could into the picture and sliding it deep into our gullets like we're on a cruise with Tommy Lee. It worked. Sort of.

Starring: Here is a quick list of who could've given a good performance in this film: Everyone else ON THIS FUCKING PLANET EARTH but George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Uma Thurman, Elle McPherson, and Arnold Schwartzenegger.

Reason for Making this Movie: Director Joel Schumacher felt that the story of a man who lives with a boy and dresses up in a rubber body suit to prowl the night wasn't homosexual enough, so he decided to give them rubber nipples and dump gallons of neon paint on them. Other than that, I would imagine he made this movie to skip the romance and get straight to ass-fucking the American public.

Where It Went Wrong: From the first shot of the movie: Batman and Robin changing into their superhero gear: CROTCH SHOT, ASS SHOT, CROTCH SHOT, ASS SHOT, NIPPLE SHOT, etc. Thousands of images of giant rubber wieners and buttcracks pound you in the neck until you're down in the movie theater floor, gasping for air. Other places where it "went wrong:"

1) Batman and Robin attempt to stop Mr. Freeze from stealing a diamond. So Mr. Freeze freezes the museum and sends padded thugs with sticks to battle the heroes. Robin screams out "It's the HOCKEY TEAM FROM HELL!" while clicking his feet together, showcasing his "bat ice-skates."
2) Mr. Freeze doesn't say a single line in the movie that doesn't have something to do with it being cold. Not one single fucking line. "Cool party!" "Everybody chill!" "Stay cool!" "My name is Freeze, learn it well, for it is the chilling sound of your doom!"
3) Uma Thurman plays a dork who talks normally. Then she gets doused in chemicals and begins talking like Tina Turner.
4) Robin exists. "I want a car...chicks dig the car!" and "Cowabunga!" are two of his better lines.
5) Alicia Silverstone weighs about 20 pounds too much to look appealing in a rubber body suit, prompting me to call Batgirl "Fatgirl" and laugh at her for most of the rest of my life. Plus, she's the only person in the movie without visible nipples.

And the list goes ON and ON and ON and ON. Bad special effects (Robin jumping straight up into the air and the moving forward, Robin being pulled underwater through the advanced technique of REWINDING THE FILM), stupid storylines (Butler Alfred dying but NOT REALLY, Batman wants to get married and reveal his identity for the fourth straight movie), and so much more that I cannot even begin to express through words make this undoubtedly the most awful offense in cinema history.

Where It Really Went Wrong: I could've excused the whole movie if it wasn't for the "Batman American Express." Wanting to buy the services of Poison Ivy at a (whore) Auction, Batman and Robin get into a dispute and begin bidding with each other. Bats trumps Robin by whipping out a credit card with the Batman logo on it. "Never leave home without it." Way to keep your secret identity, Bruce. "Yeah, I want a card with the Batman logo on it...no, no, I'm not Batman, I swear!" Like George Clooney wasn't a big enough idiot to begin with.

Overall: Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy are supposed to be costumed super villains, right? So if they act stupid I'll forgive it. Same with Batman, Robin, and Batgirl. And if I'm going for the Tim Burton look I'll excuse the fact that Gotham City seems to be 10,000 feet tall and made up of statues. But when Robin goes joyriding in the Batmobile and gets harassed by street urchin (read, normal people on the street), they are wearing arm tassels and have neon paint all over their face. If I pretend I'm brain damaged even THAT can be made to be okay. But why in GOD'S GREEN NAME are Gotham City's streetlights black lights? RAGE!!


That's it. That's the end. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I don't think I've got the strength. It makes me hate myself more every time I think about it.

B