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Celebrity Websites: Steven Seagal

posted by Paul on 8/13/01

Occasionally an exciting celebrity will appear on the scene. He/she will be interesting, have a talent that is the talk of the town, making them either flavor of the month or the legitimate "next big thing". Oftentimes a celebrity will come to the fore and make you want to stab him/her in the heart. Yeah, that is more likely. However, it's extremely rare that a celebrity like this will endure and even rarer still that he/she will be as pretentious, talentless, worthless, soulless, ugly, smelly AND annoying as...

Steven Seagal.

Yes, you can laugh now, because I think I've finally found someone more worthless than Don Johnson. When you think of Steven Seagal, images of shitty movies and murmurings of atrocious dialogue might enter your head. You might put him down there with such luminaries as Jean Claude Van Damme and Cynthia Rothrock in the bottom rung of martial arts acting talent. But the last thing you'll need to witness is an abysmally self-serving website reminding you just how ghastly this big ape actually is.

That brings us to StevenSeagal.com, another Hollywood laughing stock's vanity project, wherein Seagal assures us what a stunning human being he is, gleaming over the facts and all but implying he is the second coming of Jesus H. Christ.

It really beggars belief that Seagal has had such a long, and on occasion lucrative career. For a long time I hoped Hollywood would realize that he was just a flash in the pan with no discernible ability in front of the lens. Thing is, he wasn't even a flash in the pan. He was and is a hopelessly labored "actor" who delivers lines like someone tries to squeeze out a shit. And that's not even a joke. The guy talks like he's receiving an off-camera handjob from Edward Scissorhands. He moves like, well, he's receiving an off-camera handjob from Edward Scissorhands. Neither graceful, easy on the eye nor subtle.

So, with those limitations in mind, you think Seagal would have a certain degree of humility, realizing that he's made a lot of money for doing very little. You'd think that at least he'd keep his big fucking trap shut, lest he reveal himself to be an even bigger idiot than we already suspect he is. Alas, this website is a complete joke - full of inaccuracies and replete with Seagal verbally sucking himself off at every opportunity.

The site is broken down into sections. Each section pertains to different areas in Seagal's purported artistic life - his work in movies, music, aikido and dharma (without Greg) are all shamefully represented. There is also the opportunity for, oh my gosh, Steven's many fans (read: the mentally retarded and schizophreniac) to find out what he's up to in the future - basically him begging Hollywood to give him one more chance and calling in a few more favors so his name is somewhat familiar. But I do digress, because the meat is not in my empty insults. The proof is in the pudding, and what more proof could you need that Seagal is a baboon?

Read on..



Design

The site looks like it was designed by Rocky Dennis' girlfriend and written by a desperate Don King. How else could you explain such a sloppy layout and blatant (not to mention PATHETIC) self-promotion? Well, for a start, Seagal isn't exactly noted for being a wonderful human being. Truth be told, he's not noted for being a wonderful anything (a wonderful has-been or delusional idiot perhaps), so he could only get away with such utter shite on the internet, where facts don't have to be checked and any jerkoff is free to jerk their own ego. You'd think, though, that Seagal and all these other C-Listers could at least afford a website that looked professional. That would cost him $300, a sum he probably spends on one of those ridiculous karate costumes and a late-night call-girl, who he'd probably bore to death with tales of his success.



Movies

Seagal's body of work could be summed up quite easily - "woeful" or "Under Siege was good". The guy's had one good movie ("Under Siege"), a movie which, let me remind you, starred Tommy Lee Jones and featured a good script plus Erika Eleniak popping out of a cake. I think we can agree that its success could be minimally attributed to Seagal's presence - predictably awkward and tortuous. That's just my opinion, though, for Seagal's website has a radically different take on Seagal's movie career:

Following his starring roles in ten smash hit films, Steven Seagal has become one of the most overwhelmingly popular film stars in recent motion picture history. As his movies shatter box-office records and his audience expands worldwide, Steven finds himself at the pinnacle of feature films.

Maybe it's just my screen, but I could have sworn I just read someone describing Steven Seagal as an "overwhelmingly popular" film star. I know he's overwhelmingly panned and overwhelmingly annoying, but I just can't get my head around the idea that Seagal is a film star, and I feel personally violated that he's desribed as "overwhelmingly popular". Maybe I'm just swayed by the movie magazines which make nary a mention of Seagal (unless they're making a quip at another talentless actor's expense, using Seagal analogously); maybe I'm swayed by his lack of output and actual output which is both derivative and horribly contrived; or maybe I'm just influenced by the vast majority of people who see Seagal as a joke. I'd also be interested to hear whichever idiot scribed this trying to explain how Seagal's movies "shatter box office records" when he consistently struggles for wide release, and his latest effort, "Exit Wounds", was just a moderate success. I don't think Hollywood is exactly clamoring for his services and I'm fairly sure he'll never be mentioned in any record of box office superstars - unless it's on the negative side of the almanac - "Actors who got a lot of money for making shitty and unprofitable movies".

Seagal’s starring roles began with Andy Davis’ 1987 thriller, "Above The Law", in which Seagal debuted as an honorable Chicago cop who used his martial arts skills to defeat a drug kingpin—a stunning first effort. The actor became a box office sensation with almost unprecedented speed, one of the rare times that a virtual unknown had starred in a major motion picture, one that he also co-wrote and produced.

So he got his start playing a cop who used his martial arts skills to defeat a drug kingpin? My god, we better call the Academy, because it looks like "Above the Law" was sorely overlooked. It's not like a movie about an unconvincing karate cop defeating the bad guys is cliched or anything. God no. Sounds revolutionary, in fact. I'm sure it was a "stunning first effort" - stunning how they got a bloated, faux-martial arts expert to make a complete dick of himself in front of the camera.

The performer’s compelling screen presence resulted in a succession of action-packed hit movies, including "Hard to Kill", "Marked for Death", "Out For Justice" (which he also produced), the smash blockbuster "Under Siege", "Under Siege II: Dark Territory"(also as producer), his directorial debut, the environmental epic, "On Deadly Ground" and "Fire Down Below". Many of Seagal’s movies have held the top spot at the nation’s box-office for several successive weeks.

I love how this beautifully egotistical biography will throw in morsels of detail like "which he also produced", as though producing some laughable piece of shit movie is something of which to boast. It's like saying you discovered Chris Klein AND Freddie Prinze Jr. Thanks. Say hello to my Tommy Gun. Also fascinating that "On Deadly Ground" is described as an "environmental epic" when, in fact, it's a shambles of a movie featuring Seagal lugging about and Michael Caine looking perplexed and saddened that he ever signed his name to any project directed by Steven Seagal. Furthermore, labelling any movie with a runtime of little more than the standard ninety minutes as "epic" takes some fucking balls. But then, no-one ever said that Seagal wasn't full of horseshit.

Seagal also co-starred opposite Kurt Russell in a key cameo in the action hit, "Executive Decision" and starred with Keenan Ivory Wayans as a Los Angeles cop hunting a serial killer in the action-thriller, "The Glimmer Man". For the latter, he also wrote and performed two songs for the soundtrack.

Yeah, that was the key cameo where he was jolted from a plane and met a grisly end. Pity it was just a movie. And starring with Keenan Ivory Wayans? Now I'm as big a fan of the Wayans' Brothers as the next guy at the cornershop, but co-starring with a Wayans' isn't something to scribble on the resume - unless you're really hard up for accomplishments.

"Oh wow, you acted with Keenan Ivory? How did that go?"

"I stood there like a plank of wood and got paid. You know, the usual shit I pass off as acting."

I cringe at the notion that this knucklehead wrote and performed two songs on what, I'm sure, has to go down as the most godawful movie soundtrack of all time. It's bad enough that he thinks he can act, but conjuring up notions of him standing there in the studio sweating and producing sounds that would embarrass a chicken is not something which imbues me with comfort. I dread to think that there are actually people who encourage his nonsense and horrendous levels of self-delusion. Do we need more Don Johnsons'?

With filming “The Patriot”, Seagal entered the world of independent filmmaking. Indeed he has accomplished something so few have done in a short time, bringing his remarkable skills to the independent world and assembling an impressive team of financiers and filmmakers.

Translation: With filming "The Patriot", Seagal proved he was an asshole with the mental capacity of a three year old and the ego of ten Caesars. He also showed that he was shunned by the Hollywood community and needed other people's money to inflict another preposterous movie on the public.



Music

Steven Seagal, one of the world’s most popular motion picture actors, is now embarking on a new professional path into something that has always played an important role in his life.

....suckling his own discolored penis.

composing and performing music.

Sorry!

For Seagal, performing and writing his own songs is an extension of his creative being. Seagal first began playing the guitar in the late 1960’s, and now he has once again been inspired to play. Seagal has been influenced in his music by artists such as Curtis Mayfield, Lightning Hopkins, Procol Harum and Jimi Hendrix and blues greats including Albert King, B.B. King, Muddy Waters, Robert Johnson and Sonny Boy Williamson.

I don't know what "creative being" Seagal thinks he possesses, but if he has any creativity, I wish he'd create a little hole and plunge himself straight into it. And I'm not talking about that little hole he normally plunges into when he's looking to pitch another terrible movie to the Hollywood suits. To even mention himself in the same breath as Jimi Hendrix is the equivalent of Vin Diesel saying he bases his acting style on Marlon Brando. It's an enormous insult to the world and Hendrix's corpse, likely spinning in a watery grave at Seagal's outrageous suggestions.

Pretending to play guitar is fun...

Seagal has played and recorded with some of today’s most celebrated musicians including James Burton, Vince Gill, Leon Russell, Taj Mahal, Richie Sambora and Delbert Maclinton. In addition, he has toured with players from The Band, including Leven Helm on drums, Rich Danko and Garth Hudson.

Well, for a start, I only know about two of those performers. The rest are probably fucking nobodies or likely figments of his imagination, just so Seagal can pretend he has friends. I imagine that "played and recorded with" here means "stood around staring like a desperate jackass and destroying every song he attempted."

Recently, Steven performed to over 50,000 people in Seoul, South Korea at Michael Jackson’s benefit concert for he children of South Korea. The benefit concert also starred Mariah Carey, Luther Vandross and Boyz II Men. In selected concert venues, both in the United States and internationally, audience reaction to Steven’s music and performances has been overwhelming, leaving no doubt that he is a consummate musician and performer

Firstly, there's something majorly amiss when Michael Jackson is doing benefit concerts for children, especially since he's widened the rectums of about 50,000 helpless youngsters and various farm animals. Why not resurrect Hitler and have him sing songs at a humanity concert? It makes about as much sense. I don't think ANYONE is at benefit when they have to put up with Mariah Carey, Luther Vandross and Boyz II Men. I bet audience reaction to Steven's music was overwhelming. I'm sure people were overwhelmed that this rhythm-less goon was allowed on the stage and how many donkey balls he sucked when he eventually got there.



Steven's "note" to "fans"

This is one of the most stilted and embarrassing features on the site. Basically, it's a scripted real video recording in which Seagal thanks all three of his fans and squints at the camera. It's embarrassing because it's so wooden, and Seagal's slimy whale head seems to be expanding by the week:

"Thank you for making Exit Wounds the top movie in America and hopefully the World, thank you for coming to my webpage and posting on my message board, thank you for being interested in my oils and health products, thank you for being interested in the martial art of Aikido, and thank you for supporting me in general."

"Thanks to the doctors for removing my ribs. It makes auto-fellating my diminishing member all the more easy"

Translation: "I have a lombotomy, I read off a cue card, and my stomach is a black belt in the art of giggle."



Aikido

I've obtained all my martial arts knowledge from Bruce Lee movies and those picture books where two men in pajamas pretend to beat each other up. Safe to say I'm no expert, so when Seagal writes about how much Aikido frees his soul and awakens his inner spirit, I'll have to take his word for it. But I'd rather not. So, I asked someone who practises martial arts to rate Seagal for his martial arts ability:

Though credited with opening a dojo in Japan (something highly unusual for a gaijin), Steven Seagal is a completely ludicrous martial arts master. His style is that of Aikido, and he has indeed proven himself to be well skilled in it. The problem is, of course, that Aikido is a completely martial art in any type of strict competition. There has never, ever been a mixed martial arts champion from Aikido, and Seagal's goofy style of inefficient bone-breaking and weak, short strikes makes him especially ludicrous. Among martial arts film stars, he ranks above only people like Jean Claude Van-Damme, who has the martial arts talent of Lucha Libre star La Parka. Seagal also has the nasty habit of being a fatass with little dexterity. On a ***** martial artists' scale, he rates a ½ *.

"I do agree with all our forefathers and the flight of the fancy-toed ninjas that Steven Seagal sucks ass. I'd like to give him a karate chop to the throat and a Razor's Edge through a barb-wired Spanish Announce Table!"



Online Store

You can buy oils, videos and lots of pretentious literature on Seagal's little vanity project. I'd advise anyone not to add more money to this douchebag's bank account, but anyone who's foolish enough to purchase oil he's massaged into his flabby body deserves everything they get. The rest of us can just laugh.



Schedule

This is the part of the site where you find out what Seagal's been up to and how many concerts he's been destroying. The site also shows pics of his awful public appearances, the ones where the majority of the public ask "who's that dick in the karate top?" and "where's the remote so I can turn him over?". For example, here's a picture of Seagal with "friend Jay Leno". Personally, I would have written "annoying, boring, dated, donkey-headed, windbag Jay Leno", but that's just me:

Jay Leno and James Van Der Beek are probably the only guys Seagal can stand next to and not be the "dude with the enormous head". Still though, it's pretty damn unsightly, not least because his face is so chubby and blootered.



Steven Seagal is widely regarded as a hack with minimal talent, maximum ego and a string of cinematic catastrophes in his wake. He has a reputation as a total asshole, throwing his considerable weight around movie sets and making those "lower" than him feel like shit - typical bullshit from insecure fringe players. Jenny McCarthy has openly accused him of being a sleazeball, having turned down his disgusting request of "get undressed and we'll see if you're right for this part" - though why any woman would audition for him defies belief. His snaky eyes and oily presence are a major insight into his character, as is his shambles of a website, which is without insight or merit.

Treat this as you would any Seagal project: with either major indifference or total avoidance.

It's the only way to survive the torture...

Paul
paul@whatever-dude.com
AOL IM: paulwdfans

Site to read: Baptized by Fire



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