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American Pie: The Director's Cut

posted by Paul on 8/21/01

Fade In:

JASON BIGGS is watching a porn channel and jerking himself off into a sock. His quirky dad, Eugene Levy, walks in. As does his mother.

MOTHER: Jason, are you polishing your glasses under that sock?

JASON BIGGS: Umm, yes. Yes I am.

EUGENE LEVY: You're trying to tune into illegal channels with that nose of yours.. Aren't you, you sick fuck?

JASON BIGGS: Gee, dad, I'm sorry. In my constant quest to lose my virginity, I've invented increasingly humorous ways to satisfy myself.

TEEN AUDIENCE: LOL.

EUGENE LEVY: Listen son, I'm here to humiliate you with my upfront approach to sexual matters. There's nothing wrong with polishing the little pink man, greasing the monkey, spanking the giraffe and other cliched and obviously hysterical terms for masturbation.

TEEN AUDIENCE: This movie is awesome.

CHRIS KLEIN: Whoa, I so can't get laid. I also seem to be playing a slow-witted jock. This role is quite a stretch. I'm either playing someone slow-witted or someone who is jock-like. I want to get laid.

JASON BIGGS: I also want to get laid.

CHRIS KLEIN: But you are ugly.

JASON BIGGS: I know. That's why I haven't been laid. I also have a really weird dad who has enormous eyebrows and looks like Frank Grimes from that one Simpsons episode. I think he might be gay. I'm not gay.

CHRIS KLEIN: But you have nothing going for you besides your dubious goofy charm and "affability" which borders on, ugh, aggravation. Notice that these are the smartest lines I've ever uttered. Normally I sound constipated while acting like a big stupid bastard, and dancing in front of cows, most of whom are much more convincing actors than I.

JASON BIGGS: Agreed. Many ugly, scary men can get laid in America. Take Woody Allen, for instance.

CHRIS KLEIN: Ugh, who's he?

TEEN AUDIENCE: Woody!!1 Hehehe.

CHRIS KLEIN: Whoa, you look like a crow. Helen Keller wouldn't look twice at you.

JASON BIGGS: So be it. Now let's pretend to be 18 year olds and that we need to get laid by ugly girls and Carson Daly cast-offs, my slow-witted pseudo friend. P.S we should be together, too.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT: Dude, I'm so not a cliche in these sort of movies. Chug. Chug. Boobies!!!!!

RANDOM STUPID GIRL: What did you say?

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT: I said you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever looked into. I really want to suck them. Your eyes. I really want to suck your eyes.

TEEN AUDIENCE: FINALLY, they've found a character that represents us. One that is without intelligence, depth or self-awareness. God bless youth culture. Boobies and beer!!111

RANDOM STUPID GIRL: You want to suck my eyes?

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT: And squeeze them. I want to have wild monkey...I want to show how much I love you. First I must drink this oddly colored beer, which may or may not be human piss.

RANDOM STUPID GIRL: Why?

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT: Because this is the comedic payoff, since I'm a jackass and every jackass in these shitty movies must have his comeuppance.

RANDOM STUPID GIRL: Ripping off the Farrelly Brothers is fun.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT: What do you know? It IS piss. Excuse me while I projectile vomit and this stupid, easily manipulated teen audience acts like it's the funniest thing they've ever witnessed.

CHRIS OWEN: Hey Losers. I'm the stud in this movie and I'm a big hit with the ladays! Ok, I'm just a hideously ugly dork, but at least I've been laid... until my mock confidence is hilariouly disrobed in the last act. But then, you wouldn't have predicted that.

JASON BIGGS: God, you've touched a girl. I wonder what that's like.

CHRIS KLEIN: I've touched, ugh, Katie Holmes.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT: So have the entire cast of "Dawson's Creek", the local football team, Keanu Reeves and most freakily of all, Michael Douglas. Boobies!

JASON BIGGS: What DOES sexual intercourse feel like?

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT: Despite all the proper answers I could give, I'll say sex feels a lot like warm apple pie. Beer! Waassuuppppp!!

JASON BIGGS proceeds to, despite all logic, hump a warm apple pie. This is HILARIOUS and unexpected.

EUGENE LEVY: Umm, I'm craving some pie. Eww, why is this pie battered and covered in bodily fluid?

JASON BIGGS: Because I thought it would be a good idea to rape the pie.

EUGENE LEVY: We'll just tell your mother you ate it, then masturbated over it. Yep. This pie looks satisfied to me. Hyuck, Hyuck. You really know how to show a pie a good time, you deranged little fuck. I thought the Hollywood A List had sexual problems, but I'm fucking outraged that my own flesh and blood actually mounted a poor, defensless pie. I mean...sex with inanimate beings is fun. Since I'm supposed to be humorously supportive of your sexual and emotional malfunctioning.

JASON BIGGS: Gee, thanks Dad.

CHRIS KLEIN: I've, ugh, noticed you around. You're that chick from that movie about the flowers and the guy who gets killed on the kitchen table.

MENA SUVARI: I'm angelic in this movie. God rocks. I want to meet a nice boy. Choir music is super cool. Jesus is the only man in my life.

CHRIS KLEIN: Wanna fuck?

MENA SUVARI: You disgust me!

CHRIS KLEIN: Wanna act like a couple of dorks then go to my prom, after which I'll lose my virginity?

MENA SUVARI: Absolutely.

TARA REID: Kill me!

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS: Can you sing "Genie in a Bottle"?

TARA REID: No. You must be confusing me with that other bimbo who lay down for Carson Daly.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS: My mistake. Anyway, I'm really desperate to get laid, and I've learned to perform oral sex.

TARA REID: Then go blow yourself.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS: Very funny and quite attractive. Lie back..

Minutes later...

TARA is getting worked up. Her dad comes upstairs to invite her to dinner..

DUMB DAD: Honey, Dinner's ready!

TARA REID: I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming!

DUMB DAD: Baby, I said dinner is ready, not "Chris Klein is downstairs". Anyway, I'll leave you to get strangely aroused while I walk downstairs like the stubborn dipshit that I am.

TEEN AUDIENCE: This is the funniest movie ever!

EUGENE LEVY: What an ugly, pitiful loser I have raised.

JASON BIGGS: Dad, don't you knock?

EUGENE LEVY: I see you're doing a little of the old disco dancing there, kiddo. Back in the day they called me The Cat.

JASON BIGGS: Because you were such a smooth dancer?

EUGENE LEVY: No. Because I could lick myself clean. Anyway, son, have you had any luck getting any female to look at you recently? No? Ok, I've got a shotgun handy. Feel free to use it on yourself.

JASON BIGGS: I'm wounded.

EUGENE LEVY: Sadly not literally. Anyway, son, I was simply making a witty sexual analogy. Like a gun, make sure your penis doesn't fire too quickly or at the wrong target. That's how you were born, and I regret that every day of my life. I mean, I'd hate to see you get someone pregnant. Yes.

EDDIE KAYE THOMAS: I'm the underwritten dork in the movie. Must get laid, shit myself e.t.c

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT'S ONSCREEN MOM: I'm hot for your love. Come over here and do me on the pool table..

EDDIE KAYE THOMAS: Score!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT: Ah, for the love of Budweiser and frat parties! You nailed my Mom! That is so...not right!

JASON BIGGS: So I guess I actually got a girl to look at me without laughing.

ALYSON HANNIGAN: This one time in camp I stuck a log in my beaver. And a flute in my ass. And a young girl in my mouth.

TEEN AUDIENCE: OMG!!1 This movie roolz!

ALYSON HANNIGAN: Let's have sex, my monkey-headed partner.

JASON BIGGS: Umm, it's about time I scooped some pie. That my mother didn't buy. OMGLOL.

ALYSON HANNIGAN: I just farted!

CHRIS KLEIN: I realize that I, ugh, totally dig you and that my attitude earlier in the movie was totally wrong and stuff.

MENA SUVARI: And I realize that you have no acting ability, but I'll go along with the script.

They kiss..

They screw...

CHRIS KLEIN: That was great, but I learned that sex isn't important. It's who you're with that counts. Now do that mouth thing again.

JASON BIGGS: And I realized that I'm an ugly loser who can only get girls who are similarly unpopular and creepy.

EDDIE KAYE THOMAS: I realized that Seann's onscreen Mom is hot.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT: I real...hmmm Boobies! LOL!1

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS: I realize Carson Daly is right.

CHRIS OWEN: I realize that I'm not a stud.

Chris Owen wets his pants...

PAUL: I realize this movie sucks and I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time..


The End


Paul
paul@whatever-dude.com
AOL IM: paulwdfans



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