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The Care Bears Movie

posted by B on 8/28/01

It's the one and only time I've ever brought a pack of ink pens into the bathtub.

In 1985 the local Danville newspaper was running a promotion that would allow ME, the five year old who was about to become completely disillusioned by school, the chance to go see the new Care Bears movie for FREE! All I had to do was find the names of the Care Bears (and trust me, there's like seven thousand of them) in a wordsearch beneath huge advertisements for the movie theater and the new Cathy comic strip (which is as close as I figure to Hell on earth). The Care Bears were the first eunuch toy I can remember. Most of the time we either had to pick between Barbie dolls that were dripping with sissification or Masters of the Universe action figures, which were so manly that once their arms came off a full team of carpenters and scientists were required to reassemble them. Think of the Care Bears as the aging, senile father of Pokémon -- disgustingly cute little abominations that boys and girls could both snuggle and cuddle and be oogy woogy with cause they're so CUTE YES THEY ARE WHO'S CUTE WHO'S CUTE...even if they're not gonna TELL anybody that did. A kid once called me on liking the Care Bears so I piledrove him off the Merry-Go-Round. True story.

Before there was ever a movie (or a cleverly titled "Movie 2") the Care Bears were created for a line of greeting cards, which is similar to the origin of tight-panted boyband N*SYNC. I'm personally boycotting Walmart now just because of the N*SYNC greeting cards. Opening up a birthday card and seeing the poorly grown facial hair of and floppy Italian ass of Joey Fatone must be like opening up one of those "giant old granny titty" cards from Spencers. "Oh, thank you, a birthday card! Let me just (sees the card) uh.... (sets fire to the card and hurls it out the window, where it grows into a demon and devours the souls of the innocent)."

The bears also rose to prominence thanks to a line of well-marketed plush toys, which for those of you born after 1990 were a lot like Beanie Babies, only bigger. Also, Ronald Reagan was a robot who danced for love and the country was full of sex hookers! Haha, fuck you for missing the 80's!

The point of the whole deal is that there are these bears that live in the sky, and whenever a young boy or girl is sad or has stopped caring, the bears descend from said sky and maul the children. Well, it's less like "mauling" and more like "hugging," but the bears are only like 2 feet tall anyway. I'd like to pretend there are bigger Care Bears that descend from the sky and slice open the bellies of sex offenders and stuff, but I guess they don't make "sorry you got raped" greeting cards.

Each bear has a symbol on his or her chest to signify what "mood" they represent. It started off as "Cheer Bear" who can make you cheery, or "Grumpy Bear" who can make you grumpy. By the time the fad had run it's course there were lame characters like "Swift Heart Rabbit" (a gift for people with implantable cardioverter defibrillators like Dick Cheney) and "Random Hearts Donkey" (a gift for people who watch really crappy Harrison Ford movies). The movie introduces these as "Care Bear Cousins," which is either a lack of proper species organization or just a big excuse for a hillbilly butt-jamboree.

I wouldn't have remembered the Care Bears wordsearch had I not succeeded (there in the tub in my torn Spider-Man pajamas again) and WON my free pass to see the film. I pounced out of the tub and ran like the wind across the town, passing by all sorts of inconsequential characters from my life who would only show up in my memory now to deliver witty quips like, "That B sure is a running FOOL!" Once kids at the theater started throwing rocks at my head I realized that they didn't want me to catch cold, so I RAN LIKE THE WIND back home, invented post-it notes, changed clothes, taught Elvis to dance, and then RAN LIKE THE WIND back to see the movie. I am a simple man who does extraordinary things.

The film (and yes, it is a FILM and not a "movie"...I don't think the men and women who worked hard making this so base and half-assed would appreciate having their artistic integrity compromised) opens in an orphanage where parents send their kids because they were mistakes. The kids have these slightly misshapen heads and ugly clothes so nobody loves them. Enter the dashing Mr. Cherrywood, the evident placater of these pointless adolescents, stringing them along with stupid magic tricks until they revolt, DEMANDING a story before bed.

Goodnight, you princes of Maine. You kings of New England!

Cherrywood shuts their faces with a story about children who actually have parents that love them! Just kidding. Actually his story is about the Care Bears. Through an opening video montage that would make Frank Capra rise from his grave and run down the streets screaming "MAAAARRY CHRISTMAS BANK AND LOAN WHOO HOOO!!" Cherrywood explains their origins. The Care Bears sit up in the clouds watching the world through telescopes, to see if anyone has stopped caring recently. This is all in an effort to keep the "caring meter" from dropping too low. What the caring meter actually measures I'm not sure, but if I ever catch a bear watching me through my windows with his telescope I'm gonna hop in a Cessna and torch his ass as I fly by. If I ever get off the ground, anyway. Carole King explains:

Care-a-lot, is a place you'd like to beeeee
riding on a cloud you'll care a lot
if the rainbow fan-tah-seeeeeeee
for laughing out loud

LOL! I have no idea what that means, but at least we now know that Jesus and angels don't exist, because there are bears living up where they're supposed to be. The opening song chronicles a "day in the life" of the Care Bears, as they do all those crazy bear-in-space things like sliding down rainbows and hurling throwing stars at each other. We get our first glimpse into the film noir that IS the Care Bears Movie plot, when "Friend Bear," a bear who thinks he's somebody special because he's got friends (ALL the Care Bears love each other...that's like putting Hawkman in the Justice League and making him think he's a bad ass because he can fly) spots two lonely orphans strolling down the street. They don't "care" anymore because they don't have any parents, which is a normal everyday occurrence nowadays. Back in the 80's the high schools weren't full of smashed-face Julia Stiles chicks who think pants where you can see the crack of their ass out the top is "the stall" who are too busy "saving the last dance" in their womb to learn about proper parenting. If the Care Bears movie happened TODAY Kim and Jason (the kids) would be picking off bystanders with an assault rifle.

So instead of minding their own business Friend Bear and "Secret" Bear decide it in their best interest to fly down to Earth and, "hug" the kids and make them feel better about being abortions. At the risk of sounding like someone who takes cartoons too seriously, I think the animators had a quest to make Friend Bear and Secret Bear into the Ambiguously Gay Heart Bears. Seriously, the movie is FULL of homoerotic undertones to begin with without us having to watch a couple of plush bears get it on every two seconds.

Cornhole Bear and his best friend Dirty Sanchez Heart Bear.

To make matters worse Secret Bear never actually says anything out loud, and whenever he wants to contribute to conversation leans over and whispers sweet nothings into Friend Bear's ear. How do we really know what he's saying? He could be talking about how cool it would be to stick those talking stars the Care Bears always play around with into his ass and let them struggle around, I don't know.

Back in Care-a-lot, "Grumpy Bear" (the antagonistic Brainy Smurf of the group) is trying to fix a giant machine with Lucky Charms on the control panel that will, according to the plan, be able to instantly transport the bears anywhere they wanna go whenever they wanna go there. While we're on the subject, the Smurfs will always be superior to any other childrens cartoon because of that one Terrorist Bomber Smurf. Y'know, Jokey Smurf, the one who used to give people presents and then laugh maniacally when they explode? There's no "Jihad Heart Bear." But then again I guess they don't make "sorry your government workplace was bombed you stupid American assholes" greeting cards.

It just doesn't feel as good as Secret Bear promised...

Around this time we're introduced to Nicholas, a bumbling magicians apprentice who probably has parents but still isn't very happy because nobody likes him. The problem is that nobody likes him because he sucks ass. He's in the movie for 20 seconds and already he's messing up, dropping luggage and being a general goon. He becomes important later. Actually, nobody in the movie ever becomes really important, not even the Care Bears. So I like to pretend that I'm actually watching Godsmack in CONCERT! ROCK!!!!111

So, Kim and Jason are watching this lame Alice in Chains coverband when all of a sudden they're whisked away to Care-a-lot. It's a shock to both the Godless bears and the children, because "Baby Hugs" and "Baby Tugs" (who, when they are 30 aren't going to want to be called "Baby" anymore, and won't want to be known as "Ginger Hugs and Tugs" once they've slept with someone for government jobs) were tinkering with the lucky charms and got the machine to work. If these were normal human beings they would've captured the new species and made experiments out of them, but these are kids movie kids, so they just stand there looking like dipshits while the Care Bears pose and introduce themselves.

Sorta like downing 10 hits of acid and skydiving.

This (of course) leads to another song and dance number, this time sung by the guy who did the Blossom theme song. In my opinionation this is the most gay and retarded song in the history of recorded film, so gay and retarded that only "gaytarded" can describe it accurately. A gaytard is sorta like lovechild of Chris Burke from Life Goes On and anybody who watches the Care Bears movie with a notebook and a pencil as to write down accurate words to the songs. The sacrifices I make for you people. A bunch of savages in this town.

The song I'm talking about is "Nobody Cares Like a Bear," which makes no sense outside the context of "care bears." Did Yogi the Bear care about the well-being of others when he was trying to steal their food and walk around with a tie but without any pants on? No. Did Bear Bryant care that he turned Tuscaloosa, Alabama into a town full of braindead college football zombies? No. Did the Bernstein Bears just pay 10 extra dollars to buy another fucking unicycle so they wouldn't have to ride around all stacked up on top of each other? Hell no. Not only is the song a big lie (will somebody PLEASE think of the children?) but it is wrought with sexual metaphor:

So don't go stickin by your own sweet self
you got to take a chance on someone else
that's what it's all about just bein' friends
and take a chance on lovin' again
and follow me and let me take you where
when you think nobody cares
nobody cares like a bear

Yeah baby, nobody cares like Mongo baby. Yeah baby.

To make matters worse, the Care Bears don top hats and form conga lines to get the point across. To make matters SADISTIC the Care Bears throw HUMAN HEARTS onto the children as they walk by. It's a sick and twisted image from the MASTER OF HORROR American Greeting Cards!!

Back on Earth, plot rears it's ugly head as Nicholas discovers a magical book in one of his boss's ("The Great Fettucini"...thanks for the racism) trunks of junk. OMG HE HAS JUNK IN THE TRUNK!!! Nick is sick and tired of being picked on and treated like garbage so he turns to the magic book and the spells within to make him a master magician. He thinks that if he can pull a rabbit out of his hat without having it hump him in the nose he'll have friends. What he doesn't realize is that the book isn't just a magic's an EVIL magic book. What he also doesn't realize is that every book is magical...reading can take you anywhere you want to go! You can be a race car driver, a fireman, or an astronaut all by just opening a book! Hahah, I'm so gay. Butterfly in the skyyyyy...I can go twice as HIIIIIIIIGHHHH.....

I saw your hangin' you were with your crew...I was with mine TOO-HOO!

The evil book has an evil face within it's pages which appears to have the same overzealous animation as many evil characters drawn by evil Don Bluth. If you doubt the evil of Don Bluth you should go to your local video store and pick up the critically acclaimed "Rock-A-Doodle," the only movie to date about a chicken who thinks he is Elvis Presley. The face (who is actually a heel) convinces Nick that he can be a great magician with her help, but it's all a trick! During his first evil-spirit-aided magic show the book humiliates him and turns the usually cheery carnival crowd into a batch of heroin-junkie looking backyard wrestlers. Nicholas learns a painful lesson to stay away from evil books. I once gave my English teacher the benefit of the doubt and read "The Pearl" by John Steinbeck. Now I'm rich, but bored as crap. Thanks a lot great American novel.

Wrestling's Hottest Supermodel Tylene Buck like you've NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE

So while the Care Bears dance around in vital organs and wanking off all over each other some book with a face in it has caused the "caring meter" (remember that?) to GO DOWN. Perhaps the caring meter measures the amount of happiness in that specific carnival or something because after the magic show of doom things go awry...Care-a-lot gets overtaken with dark clouds, things start cracking and breaking in to, and all the Care Bears make the Macauly Culkin face and slap their cheeks in dismay. The worst part of it all is that the storm has caused Kim, Jason, and the bear-assed buddies GOD ONLY KNOWS WHERE! That's what you get for playing God, Care Bears, if there's a cloud on the other side of the world with Jesus on it you'd better get your act together before he flies over and blesses a sandal into your asses.

Welcome to Fucked-a-lot

Next time you're wondering how much your charity and good will will increase the kindness in the world, don't's up to kids watching carnival magic shows to determine how much destruction there is in the world. With their homeworld being destroyed and their tiny little intellects challenged, the Care Bears decide to go looking for Jason and Kim in the only way you would imagine people who lived in the sky SAILING.

I'm not a meteorologist here, but if there are oceans on top of our clouds we're in some serious trouble. But hey, I'm not on the STORM TEAM like the guys who do the weather on television, so maybe there's a silver lining...what if we put all the people who are dying from drought and poverty into a space ship and shoot them up into the clouds? That way not only would they be better off but they'd freeze to death and fall to Earth during the winter! It'd be like raining ice sculptures. We'd probably have to pay Sally Struthers a truckload of money to give up her cash cow. Or maybe we can just pay her with a truckload of cows.

The creepier thing might be to ask why that one bear can make milkshakes come out of his stomach.

It turns out that Jason and Kim (and Pitcher and Catcher Heart Bears) turned up somewhere much more disheartening than Earth. A forest with a bunch of purple and orange trees is weird enough as it is, but in a universe where animators can't even keep your hair the same color twice it's not something to get worked up about. Getting your ass felt up by a giant talking monkey, now THAT is something to start whomping people over.

Get your paws off me you damn, dirty ape!

The "Forest of Feelings" is a lot like Care-a-lot, only the animals here are more harmless and prone to sexual misconduct. My Uncle had a "Forest of Feelings" but it was just his closet. Jason is the first victim (as you can see) but things quickly dissolve into a friendly song. My Uncle had friendly songs in his "Forest of Feelings" too, but they were mostly about how if I told my Mom and Dad about it he'd break my Nintendo. Anyway, the kids, the bears, and the new animals ("Braveheart" Lion and "Diseased Primate Heart" Monkey) decide to sing a song about how similar their homes are. This allows Jason to deliver some of the most poorly sung lyrics since Mariah Carey's "Butterfly" album. Feel free to read them while I deal with my repressed childhood memories.

Jason: Do you have a house made all out of wood for keeping you dry when it's raining?

Friend Bear: I stay on top when the rain goes drop! Look! I'm hy-dro-planing!

All: Forest of Feelings, Care-a-lot, and Earth aren't far a-part! They differ in some ways, someways NOT!

Jason: (as monotone as humanly possible) Cause hooooome is in yooour heeeeart.

By now Nicholas has caught on to the Care Bear group's attempts to bring happiness back to the like 10 people he made unhappy and decides that he should stop being so mean....but the book has OTHER motives and wants to completely rid the world of caring altogether! Not since David Arquette have I EVER heard of someone bringing so much intentional misery to the world! Her brainwashing continues of Nick as she forces him to create a giant blob of evil smoke that looks like the guy who wants kids to smoke in the "Cartoon All-stars to the Rescue" anti-drug cartoon special. Like anybody's actually seen that.

Don't get TOO frightening now.

The cloud of smoke tries to kill the Care Bear gang on three different occasions:

A Giant Evil Fish - The smoke turns into Flotsam (or the other one) from the Little Mermaid and creates a giant whirlpool beneath the Care Bears' ship. It's a pretty good plan to wreck the vessel, but the cloud could've just spoken up and said "hey, your fucking boat is made out of a cloud. Not only can you not float on water but you can't stand on it. So get to drowning." Unfortunately for the mature viewer, the Care Bears survive instead of plummeting down a waterfall and being impaled on some especially sharp rocks.

A Giant Evil Tree - This has gotta be the best one...just like in "Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn" a tree comes to life and does some naughty things to those around it. In this case the tree tries to eat the children, because if he tried to rape the children (like in Evil Dead) you would've only been able to access the Care Bear Movie online, between the Japanese schoolgirl tentacle porn and the Final Fantasy Hentai Resource. Again, our heroes don't die, because Swift Heart Rabbit debuts and causes the tree to tie itself up in it's own branches. Then Swift Heart has heart palpitations and drops dead.

We are so scared.

A Giant Evil Bird - Oh jeez, now the cloud isn't even trying. If the cloud can turn into a "giant evil" whatever he wants he shoulda just turned into a giant evil rhino and just GORE GORE GOOOOORE them to death. The cloud shows up as a bird and by now even the Care Bears aren't scared of him. The backup (the other Care Bears) shows up and they use their only physical attack, the "Care Bear Stare," which causes light and sparkly things to come out of their bellies and kill things. Why do they call it the Care Bear STARE though if they don't use their eyes? They just close their eyes and gooey stuff comes out of them. Just like in my Uncle's Forest of Feelings I guess. But Care Bear Stare, that's just unpossibly bad writing.


So now that everyone is bored to tears the movie enters it's final act, as the Care Bears, the new animals from the Forest of Feelings, and the children show up at Nick's amusement park to lay the smack down on him. Unfortunately the book's evil is strong by now and even the Care Bear stare doesn't work. It looks like the world will be full of "unhappy" from now on, and the only thing we'll be able to hear on the radio is Usher and the only movies we'll be able to see are Scream movies!

Wait a minute, this is a kid's movie. Y'wanna know how they stop Nicholas if the Care Bear stare doesn't work? Easy.

The kids tell him they'll be his friend so he shuts the book, crushing the face and making green crap splatter everywhere. Doink. The end.

Oh, and Nicholas is Mr. Cherrywood. SWERVE! SWERVE! SWERVE!

AIM NotAGoonie
PleWAIT! It's not over yet!

We've got another song to sing! With the world safe for caring again the Care Bears give the new animals their own belly insignias, and they become the Care Bear Cousins OFFICIALLY! It's like a party in my mouth and all animals are invited!

What a job that we've done
there was a part for everyone
So let's give our brand new family a cheer! (YEAH!)
And it makes me want to shout
I can't get my feelings out
when a friend is right there to lend an ear!

Yes it's great to be....
In that Care Bear Family.

Yes it's great to be....
In that Care Bear Family!

C'mon sing along!

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