Celebrity Websites: Joanie "Chyna" Laurer
posted by Paul on 8/29/01
The world is full of smug, delusional, and second-rate celebrities. It's easier to find these cretins than truly talented, humble self-aware performers. Nitch that. Name me ONE person in the entertainment industry who's humble? But I could name a slew of talented individuals who are at least aware of their positions in the entertainment landscape. That, I'm afraid, would be too complimentary, and since I'm all about shooting down already bush league celebs, I figure I'll deliver a few literary bodyslams to one that is trying to prolong the agony, that refuses to leave the public eye and whose website and past accomplishments are truly laughable.
This is a very special case. This is the first time I've dealt with a gender ambiguous, freaky, disgusting, laughable, bulked up, oversold, under-talented sideshow. It's someone you'd expect to find in the twisted world of professional wrestling, but the last thing you'd expect to be described as "beautiful" or "a role model".
I'm writing, of course, about Chyna and throughout this article I'll be referring (tangentially, at least) to her disaster of a website - Body By Joanie
Now, if you're a fan of wrestling, you'll already appreciate my disdain for Chyna. Despite what the WWF will tell you, any fan that wasn't swayed by whatever was being forced down their throat didn't appreciate Chyna. She entered the WWF in 1997, a hulk of a woman. In fact, it wasn't even clear if she was a woman, since her manly face and bulky body suggested she might be a transvestite, or a drag queen. The WWF, being even more of a circus at that time, had a tendency to employ freakish characters - even going as far to script storylines wherein top stars would act homosexual or be seen to take blowjobs from transsexuals. It wasn't implausible that Chyna or "this amazon" (as she was known at the start of her tenure) was a man, and the WWF even threw a "what is it?" nuance
into the storyline.
IT was eventually revealed to be Joanie Laurer, a "female" bodybuilder who had been trained by the legendary wrestler Killer Kowalski (a silly old has-been) and had entered the WWF as Hunter Hearst Helmsley's (Triple H) bodyguard. So, for about a year she stood at ringside, interfered in matches and thankfully said nothing at all. She was nothing more than a sideshow, and fans didn't care that much about her, except when she intervened in matches. When HHH started
the popular DX faction, Chyna was given a more prominent position on TV and threw her weight around in various important matches. This got her what is known in wrestling parlance as heat and fans began to react to her and took to her (still silent) character.
All the while, the WWF were just using her like Howard Stern uses Nicole Bass - to mock her lack of femininity and provide a contrast to the bimbo-blonde valets that occupied the "Tits and Ass" quotient on WWF TV. But then Chyna became a character in her own right. When she eventually spoke on national television, the fans were shocked
and mortified. Instead of a voice like Dan Rather, they heard a Mike Tyson-like lisp. It wasn't exactly sexy or stimulating, but if Chyna did have a penis between her paws, it was probably lying in some bin by the time she was given mic time. Or maybe she was just castrated. Her face, so long mocked for its sheer ugliness, was re-shaped to make it look more feminine. Then, Chyna's chest, Schwarzenegger-esque was molded to provide her with two big dollops of silicone. All an attempt to end the "Chyna is a guy" and "Chyna, show us your dick" jibes.
Sadly, it was somewhat successful, and when Chyna was actually given her own storylines, the adulation went to her head. She worked hard to be different
from the typical bimbos in the WWF, but most fans couldn't help remember what she was
(and what she looked like) before. Despite numerous appointments with the unlucky plastic surgeon, Chyna was never going to be an oil painting. She was vastly improved, however, and the contrast was
quite astounding. What annoyed most fans was that Chyna, who always boasted about being unique and natural, just became another chip in the WWF plastic valley. Sure, she wrestled well
enough in the ring, but the WWF made the fatal mistake of removing her from her environment (the women's division) and thrusting her into the men's.
Despite being a total failure in this department, the WWF continued to sell her as the second coming, allowed her to roll over the more talented men and even had the audacity to give her the company's second most prestigious title belt - a move that effectively
killed its importance. All this and the fact that Chyna was using her up-and-coming boyfriend (now ex. HA!), Triple H, to bolster her own standing in the company are reasons for keen fans to feel annoyed at Chyna.
She put her own unsightly image before the company's well-being; she was forced down the viewers' throats as a sex symbol, and even appeared in "Playboy" (the week Stevie Wonder was recruiting
evidently); she was given undeserved screen time and with an annoying voice, (still) hideous face and ghastly personality was an enormous turn-off for the majority of fans.
Worse still, she even had a best-selling (well, with the WWF's promotion and label attached, dried snot in a bag could be a best seller) book, "If They Only Knew" - a title which obviously alluded to her past life as a man. If you haven't read the book, let me save you the trouble with this helpful summary:
yadda yadda yadda yadda the doctor said I was a boy yadda yadda yadda yadda in school I was a freak yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda parents tried to drown me yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yaddayadda yadda yadda woe is me yadda yadda yadda life was such a struggle yadda yadda yadda I like to fist small boys yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda my dick was enormous yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda I'm worthless yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda try having YOUR balls removed! yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda sucked Triple H's toes yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda even Vince McMahon wouldn't bang me yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda sure, I'll do anything to sell myself yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda The WWF are stupid. yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda I'm a strong woman yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda role model yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda strong woman yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda I'm a strong woman after all the operations and shit yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda Moral of the story is: be yourself until the WWF pay for your operations. Also, lie, cheat and sleep with as many powerful people as possible. I'm a really strong woman. Honest.
But hey, don't think I dislike her because she's a "strong woman". I love strong women. I hate her because she's
NOT a strong woman. Rather, "she" was a strong man and even went to the trouble of getting her schlong chopped.
In truth, she makes a better looking man!
Now she's left the WWF. You see,
Triple H, the cerebral WWF wrestler, traded her in for a nicer model. HHH is a great power player, so he one-upped Chyna by falling into bed with the boss's daughter, Stephanie McMahon, one of the hottest women in the industry and currently the most powerful. Going from Chyna to Stephanie is the equivalent of dropping Rosie O'Donnell in favor of Katie Holmes. It may be fun (maybe even a little intriguing) to be with a disgusting freak for a while, but once the novelty has worn off, you just have to go with someone who doesn't have to pay for femininity.
Good Friggin' Choice
Chyna, now known simply as "Joanie", is trying desperately to find fame without the WWF, little realizing that the WWF make-up artists and publicists
were the making of her. Without them, she is nothing. Without her, they can breathe a sigh of relief. Joanie continues to cling hopelessly to second rate celebrity, bereft of the WWF marketers who could use the connections to get her on any middle of the road TV series or talk show. Lacking that push, she's taken to the web to keep some old fans and to remind us smart people why she should never have been popular in the first place.
After all, they called her "The Ninth Wonder of The World". The tenth wonder was why the fuck they kept her around that long. There are worthwhile females in the wrestling industry,
and they don't have to conform to what is conventionally rated as "beautiful" by
big-bellied, dimwitted wrestling fans. Chyna didn't really fill that void and, as she's finding out now, life is less than SUNNY away from WWF security. Other divas have discovered that, gone off to pursue big dreams but without the WWF strings, they wound up in obscurity.
And shitty websites are usually the result..
I give to you, BodyByJoanie.com
I love the intro pages to
second third-rate celebrity websites. You know you're going to get a mixture of condescension and desperate begging for attention. Plus lots of thank-yous and "you all make this worthwhile" messages intended for the few fans sad or masochistic enough to be reading the tripe in front of them. Utter bullshit. And, what's even scarier about Joanie's site, introduced with the heinous image of her playing a damn guitar is this: she expects people to
*pay* for it. Yep, this beast actually thinks folk are going to spend hard earned money to access her site.... wherein they'll be presented with photographs that would frighten small kids and self-promotion that shame Madonna. Let's look at Joanie's site:
Welcome to my all-new Web site! I'm thrilled to be online to interact with you, and I hope you enjoy my site. Please be sure to check back often for the latest photos, scheduled appearances, and other features. Watch for NEW merchandise coming soon to my Store area soon!
Yes, I'll be sure to check back often to check out how vile you look without the wonders of WWF cameras and make-up. And I can't wait to find out where you'll be appearing next - most likely some nickel and dime autograph signing with the cast of ALF and other washed up "stars". Hey, and I want to spend money at your site and on your shady merchandise, you disgusting excuse for humanity.
To learn more about me, join my exclusive NEW Members section, where you'll find a wide range of pictorials from throughout my career, news about what I'm doing now, my answers to questions from fans, wallpapers, online postcards, and more! Join now!
Not how Joanie advertises her "NEW Members section". Her "OLD members section" was just pictures of her with her wang out and stories about her grizzled MEMBER. Why in the sweet fuck would ANYONE pay to view pictures of
THIS? If you really want to find out what "Chyna" is doing now, let me save you the money and the time:
She's sweating and gawping desperately for money, with the knowledge that her life in the limelight is well past her. Also, telling anyone who'll listen that she's a great role model and future Nobel Peace Prize winner, whilst promoting herself as Wonder Woman. And, of course, everyone with an iota of intelligence
is exploding in collective laughter.
Beginning in August, I'll be auctioning off some very special items from my career, including some one-of-a-kind, authentic gear from my former role as Chyna in the WWF!
Translation: I'm so desperate for money, I'm selling shit that no-one wants. Next I'll be handing out rimjobs!
Here we go. A chance for Joanie to really over-sell herself. This is too good to pass up. Cover your noses, because you WILL smell bullshit..
(MY comments are in BOLD)
This alluring, dark-haired beauty is an accomplished actress formerly known as Chyna in the World Wrestling Federation. (I wouldn't call lisping through ridiculous interview after interview and smiling inanely
"accomplished" acting. I mean, you'd hardly call her a thesp based on a few storylines a two-year old could invent.) She convinced millions of fans that she typified the mythical Amazon woman and was dubbed "The Ninth Wonder of the World" (She convinced millions of fans that she was an overhyped diva with no merit whatsoever), treading where no woman had gone before (To the operating table to have a superfluous penis and scrotum removed from her body.) Indeed, Joanie is an amazing woman (She has no soul, womb, ovaries, self-awareness or natural breasts. Yeah, pretty fucking amazing) with a commanding presence and loyal following (a loyal following who she tries to manipulate for personal profit) who has overcome obstacles and has emerged victorious from life's never-ending challenges. (I guess being butt ugly, mercilessly ridiculed and having to endure numerous operations to become aesthetically bearable would constitute "life's never-ending challenges")
Dear Santa...this year for Christmas I want you to make my already large breasts GROTESQUELY LARGE, so that my boyfriend won't dump me for the newer, hotter, richer model. P.S Joanie Laurer is veal
Before the lights, cameras, contracts, and headlines, before worldwide recognition (yeah, everyone recognizes her as "that freaky man thing". Pat on the back,
Joanie!), Joanie began her life in suburban, middle class Rochester, New York (as a boy). Her household was beset by alcoholism and domestic disputes (yeah, her parents had to drink because she looked normal when drunk -
the age-old "beer goggle effect". Plus, they were understandably ashamed of her.
Come on, the domestic disputes probably centred around who was going to drown her!). She sought refuge and release through bodybuilding (and
masturbation). Even in this endeavor, many scoffed at a girl doing what were thought of at the time as manly fitness regimens (many scoffed because this pseudo girl had a big shiny dick sticking out of her shorts). Joanie has gone where no woman has ventured before (up Triple H's back passage. Of course, many men have ventured there before). She smashed the gender barrier by (..having a variety of sex change operations) battling men as an equal in the ring.
Joanie serves as a role model to women (MEMO TO UNATTRACTIVE GIRLS: Degrade yourself, ride on the coat-tails of your
more talented boyfriend and then spend lots of money to make yourself less ugly. What a role model!) and an inspiration to men (an inspiration to cause shocking erectile problems and horrific nightmares) by communicating her gritty, heartwarming
(stomach-churning) story in her new role as an author (*cough* ghost-written *cough*) in her autobiography, released in January, 2001. Entitled "If They Only Knew", this revealing book rose to #2 on the New York Times Bestseller List in less than one week on the shelves (then when she left the WWF, it sunk without trace.
Much like Joanie..).
Joanie Laurer has proven that women don't have to fit traditional stereotypes to be feminine and sexy (since she's brutally ugly swine and few would consider her feminine or sexy). Her video entitled Chyna Fitness: More Than Meets The Eye (where we see a full frontal
and camel toe) is still a popular rental among fitness buffs and fans alike (Yeah, popular as in "don't fucking rent that shitty Chyna video in the bargain bin" being the
POPULAR sentiment). Joanie Laurer's fame has spread beyond the ring (it's spread into that monkey, pie in the sky head of hers). She has appeared on virtually every prominent talk show and entertainment magazine show around the globe (Sorry, I thought that was "Chyna", the character HEAVILY pushed by the WWF. I'm not too familiar with many talk shows introducing a
"Joanie Laurer"). She has graced the covers of tons of magazines ranging from Newsweek to TV Guide to Ironman (Magazine circulations plummeting and regular readers cancelling subscriptions based on Chyna's appearance on the cover might suggest that "graced" is the inappropriate term. Perhaps "ruined" might be more apt.)
Joanie appreciates diversity in cultures (well, she was a man). She majored in foreign languages at the University of Tampa to improve her communication skills (I think she deserves a refund, although she is communicating wonderfully in the skills of
"bullshit" and "shameless self-promotion") and now speaks fluent German and Spanish (but still flounders in English). She also worked as a Peace Corps volunteer, demonstrating her humanitarian traits (Trust me, hitting wrestlers in the balls and pretending to help starving kids whenever a camera is close by isn't exactly "humanitarian").
All characters that great actors portray are limited creations and not real (This site is so insightful, but if Joanie is being this pretentious, I might as well point out that NO-ONE ever called Chyna complex
or realistic). They come and go (but not in that order). On the other hand, Joanie Laurer, the actress (read: part-time sideshow in shitty products), model (The shame), wrestler, author (wow, one book. Stephen King must be quaking. Well, he was run over!), intellectual (one of the great minds of our time.
That is, if you consider fictionalizing your whole life "intellectual") and humanitarian is boundless (just like trying to find descriptions that don't fit. Why not call her a "pioneer" too? Hell, just call her a "heroine", "prophet" and "goddess". It's the net. Feel free to invent accomplishments). She will contribute to her art, society, and flourish through life (Denial is a wonderful thing. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. OMG. I'm so witty. No I'm not!!111). Joanie the role model is not a fantasy (fucking right she's not. She's a
ghastly nightmare). Joanie Laurer is a real heroine for all ages (Pity
she wouldn't do the heroic thing and make herself invisible.)
The Pics and Merchandise
The pics, so often used to portray the actor/actress/wannabe in a positive light, are simply
*foul* here. I know Joanie wasn't blessed with attractive features or even an ounce of self-awareness, and this is her making the best of herself, but sweet lord, these pics might turn me gay
(actually, they do make me want to re-arrange the furniture). They should come
with government health warnings! Honestly, I can think of about twenty things I'd rather do than ream Joanie and none of them are pleasant. The following pic isn't on her site, but it is typical of the output there. Just think of Joanie as the anti-Viagra and we've found a good use for her
What's worse is that, while I'm prepared to accept that some sick hicks might actually find Joanie "hella nice hyuck", I cannot accept that any human (mentally disabled or otherwise) would actually exchange money for one of her pictures. She charges $5.95 for these silly little images of her looking grotesque while playing a guitar, and grotesque holding weights.. and...well, grotesque in every given scenario. It's scandalous.
The aforementioned is blatantly mind-scarring and tragic. However, if you're not convinced Joanie is the anti-Christ, I think I can sway you. At the height of her popularity, Joanie was thrust into every major publication and any TV show which would use her. Against all odds and any semblance of logic, she made it into Playboy magazine, an editorial that is supposed to be both intelligent and arousing - negating both traits the month it hosted Chyna. If you have a weak stomach, look away now. If you're lesbian, prepare to turn straight. These pictures defy description."She's a bulimic boy's dream. Keep that copy of Playboy on top of the toilet... and you never have to use your fingers to induce vomiting again." - "Dashing" Dave Macchia
Dave sums up my feelings perfectly, but I think a simple picture might sum up my disgust even better..
..............."The best part about watching her on television is her shameless self-promotion...on MTV she goes into a gas station and talks about how people like her because she's pretty....at awards shows she dresses like a superhero fetish tramp and bellows "Wonder Woman never looked THIS good!" Wonder Woman never looked like that because she has the pleasant joy of not being real. If she was real she'd be in the closet beating herself with her magic lasso for being such a volcanic spew of ugly." - B=Best!11
Joanie's last cry for attention does keep you informed, but as an exercise in self-promotion, it really succeeds. For that, it's really not without its charm. After all, it's better to laugh at Joanie, than listen to piped in cheers and disturbing adulation for her. There are girls out there who are sexy and feminine without conforming to stereotypes. Joanie isn't one of them. Despite her claims and over-the-top self-descriptions, it's clear that she's not a pretty person inside, either. And that's what really detracts from her. They say that you can tell a lot about a person by the site they run (no-one said that, but play along). If so, Joanie is self-obsessed, disturbed and desperately in need of psychological aid.
But I wonder what she's like in bed....
Or maybe not! :-)
AOL IM: paulwdfans