The Kevin Smith Nude Scene Extravaganza
posted by B on 9/04/01
It's hard to describe exactly why people seem to like Kevin Smith so much. He's not an especially attractive guy, and his major hobbies (including collecting comic books, selling comic books, and writing comic books) would appear to attract more social outcasts per square foot than the local freak show. The only difference is that if you go to the freak show you can get out with some pleasant memories of a chick with too much facial hair and possibly a deformed skull growing out of her ass. What do you get when you leave a Kevin Smith movie? The memories you already had, only with the words "fuck" and "cock" replacing all the wistful thoughts such as parental love or personal self-worth. Just yesterday I was thinking about David the Gnome and just started crying. Thanks a lot, you fucking cock.
Hurry, Swift! (cry)
It's impossible to express an original opinion about the guy, because he caters to the exact audience who has their opinions expressed the most: Dorks on the Internet. Internet pee-porn enthusiasts have talked about him so much he even used their ignorance to put out a movie ("Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back") and respond to them. Perhaps I just don't have a wallet that thick with mad cash and Secret Wars Iron Man sportsflix decoder pogs to get back at my naysayers like that, but I'm getting seriously jealous of Smith. The best revenge I ever got is when the bully at the beach kicked sand in my eyes, so I sucked roids with Charles Atlas and nailed the guy's girlfriend in a very uncomfortable place. The back of a Volkswagen.
So, even though I'm insanely jealous and falling into abstract comic book advertisement metaphors, do I like Kevin Smith? Absolutely, I've enjoyed each of his efforts ("Clerks," "Mallrats," "Chasing Amy," and "Dogma") in different ways. Do I think Kevin Smith is a good writer and director? Sometimes. He's given us cinematic moments that have helped define my generation (displaying some of the finer elements of the slacker lifestyle, like sexual experimentation and Sega Genesis hockey games), but at the same time has queefed out forced dialogue that would make Dawson clutch his throat and fall helplessly into his Creek (most notably T.S.'s "exchange of tough-guy back and forth" comments from Mallrats). His talent is undeniable. His execution is more "hit and miss" than Bobby Brown's house. But it is the mixture of the soaring upside and the wordy downside that has endeared his efforts to all the other people in the world who wondered if Ben Grimm has orange rock testicles.
The thing I like most about Smith is that he seems to be a genuinely nice guy. The preconception associated with "young Hollywood" is that you have to be a huge prick about everything and have loads and loads of sex with starving musicians. Then you have to do the standard things that all the other "young Hollywood" guys do - cast a "hip" young cast of debatably good-looking bohemians, have them do sassy things like slacking around or racing sexy cars or debating things like interracial love, and, if all else fails, have them say "fuck" as much as possible. You can do it even in places where it makes no sense.
Pee-wee: There's things about me you don't know, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand.
Dottie: I don't understand.
Pee-wee: You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A fucking rebel! A MOTHERFUCKING REBEL DOTTIE. Beware Dottie, I'm really Mysterio in disguise!!!111
And then it starts to rain frogs. Kevin Smith hasn't sold out or developed a black heart yet, because he doesn't do these things. Actually, he does all of these things, except for the starving musician sex. I guess not, anyway, I don't keep a journal of Kevin Smith news in my pocket like some people I know (online, anyway, nootch) but with all his references to cock I'm guessing he may or may not have associated himself with Cat Stevens. When I think of "cock" I think of "Cat Stevens." Also, I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul. Where I'll end up well I think, only Alanis Morisette really knows.
So far I've made reference to James Vanderbeek, Daredevil, and Alanis Morisette. See where I'm going with this? Not only have WE been molded by Kevin Smith movies, but popular culture as a whole hasn't been the same since oddly not-beautiful people sat around in black and white discussing Star Wars and blowjobs. Sure, waxing philosophic about the ins and outs of the food court existed well before Smith came around, but the reason he remains so important despite his imperfections is that he isn't really PART of popular culture himself -- instead, he lowers himself onto popular culture and it wraps around him.
Ben Affleck's dork is made of orange rock.
And the worst part of it all is that this Jersey-born, overweight, comic-book fanboy has been able to do what the Oxycuted masses he came from and panders to cannot - keep his roots as a big fat geek and still manage to surround himself with beautiful women constantly. Previously, only drug dealers and rich guys have been able to combine "beautiful women" with being a "big fat" anything. Granted, there are a few exceptions, but as a general rule (as far as my sanity and warped view of the world goes) women intimately associated with Fredericks of Hollywood and their excellent French Maid costume selection do not normally coexist with men intimately associated with Frito Lay.
Besides "Kissing a Fool's" Jason Lee and Ben Affleck/New Kids on the Block buggery jokes the most amazing thing about Kevin Smith's movies is the sheer amount of unbelievably hot women. These aren't the kind of woman who populate Heff's pool on the weekends and give lube jobs to Fred Durst in exchange for chubby white guy affection. Presented here are some of the best female actresses from the five View Askew films, their contributions to popular culture, and an in-depth personal analysis from yours truly. This is all mature and professional.
Also, all but one of them are completely naked. I love my job. But not as much as his. The force is strong with this one.
Goldberg, you're the goalie. It's supposed to hit you. IN THE BUTT!!!11
Best Known As: The girl who made James Vanderbeek's eyes pop out of his head in "Varsity Blues," so Dawson and his football buddies (Rudy, Scott Bakula, and the ever hilarious Sinbad) had to win the big game even though their star quarterback had two giant holes in his already giant head. If you poked one of Vanderbeek's eyes out you could use his cranium to store nuts and berries for the winter.
Contributions to Popular Culture:
- Starring as "Dulcie" in the Melissa Joan Clarissa/Britney Spears soundtrack vehicle "Drive Me Crazy," which looks almost as good on your resume as "I like to eat crumbled up crackers out of the assholes of infants."
- Starring as "Brooke" in the summer smash "Legally Blonde" with Reese "Fuck Me Fuck Me Mr. M Fill Me Up" Witherspoon. How does one go about being "illegally" blonde? Is that when you get all obsessive about dying your hair blonde, and then when you kill yourself and your girlfriend and your unborn child in a river plunge it makes your little brother want to dye HIS hair blonde?
- Starring as "Nobody Saw Me" in the summer ass-whif "American Outlaws," which succeeded in doing nothing else but making me go CLICK CLICK BOOOOM!! at the top of my lungs every time I shoot up a train with my young cowboy pals.
Contribution to View Askew: Larter plays "Chrissy," one of a group of jewel thieves who wear spandex bodysuits that prove the existence of SOME benign deity with a lot of love in his or her multi-armed heart for his or her multi-hormoned creations. She also proves that she doesn't mind turning off every guy in the nation simultaneously by being the first hot girl I can remember to fart on screen. Well, there WAS Jenny McCarthy, but who remembers HER? She went out with Ace of Base and slap bracelets.
Childish Almost-nudey Photo Gallery:
My Thoughts: As a wise man once put it, Ali Larter looks like a woman who "could really yank it off." She's the kind of girl you want to dress up like a cheerleader and take pictures of, and then start a website advertising said pictures, so you could go home and then go to the website and masturbate to all the pictures! Yeah buddy, nothing like those bitchin' Internet connections that allow you to slip and slide your bedroom sheets over pictures of girls you never have a chance with in real life!! Plus, I dressed her as a cheerleader in my mind because that would make her easier to strangle. Ha ha, I mean hug.
Would I want to date her? Absolutely, for a while. Then we'd get into an argument over oil prices and she'd firebomb my apartment. Her name is "Ali" after all, so I'm sure she'd be "praying to Mecca" all day anyway.
Hopefully her career in Hollywood will skyrocket and will continue well into old age, as opposed to other famous people with her name. She could end up with debilitating brain damage or, even worse, end up selling machines that make hamburgers less fattening on late night infomercials. Look for Will Smith to play her in the movie. She's so pretty!
Does this even need a caption? How about "kjflah8o9y8fahlj.jk18(*^&"
Best Known As: In 1973, "Shannon Elizabeth Fadal" was brought into the world by a Cherokee mother and a Syrian/Lebanese father, which means that he spent half the time wanting to murder God's people and half the time listening to the Indigo Girls. Before the interracial mix was through, the mysterious CHEMICAL X was added and Shannon grew to be, reportedly, "50,000 times hotter than every other girl." Now she's famous for acting poorly and causing premature ejaculation in a guy who stuck his wang in a pie. Her parents are proud.
Contributions to Popular Culture:
- Having sex with a giant snowman in the bathtub. I would classify this as the lowest her career could sink, but recently ("American Pie 2") she had sex with "The Shermanator," played by Chris Owen, officially the ugliest guy in all of Hollywood. She could've stuck rocks in her crotch and pretended she was riding Fred Flintstone and it would've been more attractive. Besides, when she was getting reamed by the snowman I got to make lots of great Calvin and Hobbes jokes.
- Guest starring on the USA network series "G vs. E," a show only people who watch Monday Night RAW have ever heard of. For a while there the WWF was featuring 25 seconds of wrestling, 25 seconds of fake plastic breasts (that she bought from a rubber man in a world full of rubber plans), and 1 hour 59 minutes and 50 seconds of G vs. E commercials. This was, indeed, the highlight of an era topped off by the "old lady gives birth to a hand" television milestone.
- The film "Seamless," which is about drug dealers masquerading as fashion designers. The film costars Kentaro Seagal, the son of Steven Seagal. Shortly after the release of Seamless Shannon became a rising young star with American Pie and Kentaro went back to losing to my Budweiser sponsored Liu Kang fireballs (WHASSUP) in Mortal Kombat II.
Contribution to View Askew: In "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" Shannon plays "Justice," the jewel thief who does not fit the gang's rhyme scheme and develops a fondness for protagonist Jay, which is sort of like the Shermanator in barf-terms but much, much funnier. She spends most of the film jumping up and down in place or looking distressed, things she can do HERE because she isn't confined to her Nadia "I'm Looking for Upsidasium" accent. Also, she furthers Kevin Smith's fetish of putting vaginalicious girls in prescription glasses. Cool with me.
Childish Nudey Photo Gallery:
My Thoughts: Does she ever actually wear clothes? Let's hope not. It's those spec-TACULAR endowments that keep Shannon Elizabeth perky in Hollywood instead of going flat and hanging out in the armpit area of made for TV movies and Aaron Spelling productions. Will she branch out with a groundbreaking performance about coping with alcoholism and win an Oscar for Best Actress in a few years? Probably not.
Will my children and grandchildren still be locking the bathroom door forty years from now to unholy my old people lotion? Damn straight.
Best Known As: "Faith" the Vampire Slayer from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I'm going to add "The Vampire Slayer" to the end of my name from now on just so I don't lose that important connection to the young people today. While doing research into Ms. Dushku (meaning I was looking for pictures of her naked, snoogans) I not only found EXTENSIVE collections of fan fiction devoted to her sexual exploits with the men, women, and creatures of her television show, but I found out that she was raised in a staunch Mormon household.
I'd like to officially state for the record that I DO believe in God, and prepared to take a road trip across the country to hunt him down. I dated a Mormon girl for a while in High School, and SHE never dressed up like a cheerleader or in spandex bodysuits getting all homoerotic with her sexy friends or battle vampires in her spare time. Her biggest thrill in life was reciting Monty Python routines and she dumped me partially because I laughed at Beavis and Butthead in front of her parents. I demand a life recount. I demand at least two dates with Eliza Dushku as compensation for having to sit through sermons about how we were all gonna fly into space when we die. Or whatever, I wasn't really paying attention.
Oh don't worry, we'll BRING IT. STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!
Besides, look at her. She's easy to strangle. I mean, to hug.
Contributions to Popular Culture:
- Being Arnold Schwartzenegger's daughter Dana in "True Lies." This is the most recent in a long string of movies from my adolescence ("Monkey Trouble," "The Professional," "My Father the Hero," "The Addams Family," "Tom and Huck") that creep me out to watch now because I get urges resembling child molestation, and I have to wait until I actually have kids to do stuff like that.
- Starring alongside Halle Berry and Casey Affleck in "Race the Sun," a movie about kids racing solar-powered cars across Australia. "Race" combines the suspense of "The Little Rascals" with the characterization and realism of "Cool Runnings." Watch for a moment late in the film, when John Belushi rises from his pork rind-filled grave to drag his brother Jim into the fiery abyss for starring in "Race the Sun."
- "Bring it On." WE ARE THE TOROS MIGHTY MIGHTY TOROS WE ARE THE TOROS WHOOOO!!! (kick kick) I was dragged to this clipped and quivering umbilical cord of a movie by someone I care about very much, so I'll keep most of the feelings to myself. Just picture me writing "DIE" on my computer in permanent marker until it's completely covered in black (like Julia Stiles) and realize where all those references to strangling cheerleaders were born.
Contribution to View Askew: The number one jewel thief of "Jay and Silent Bob," Dushku (which sounds like "Hush-koo," or "Duck Shoot") plays "Sissy," without a doubt the thief who steals my jewels, and then places them into a big glass case surrounded by lasers so that for days after seeing her I can't drool over anything BUT her. She's a criminal though, so my fantasies will have to go back to Randal and his mail-order husband. The weed of crime bears bitter fruit, you old hag!
Unfortunately Not Nudey Photo Gallery:
My Thoughts: The only word I can manage to say is "booya" and I keep doing the post-coital boogie. It is a sad day for my family. I am forever ruined for others.
Girls Just Wanna Have Shotgun Wounds
Best Known As: The girl that played Laverne, the kitschy 50's style waitress who filled in for Brandon Walsh at the Peach Pit during one episode of 90210. Doherty was crucial to the plot of Beverly Hills 90210 as the "innocent fish out of water" in a town full of snotty, pretentious brats who have horrible things happen to them because the world hates them. At least for the first episode. Then she was the snotty, pretentious brat who has horrible things happen to her because the world hates the most.
Contributions to Popular Culture:
- "Blindfold: Acts of Obsession," a Cinemax-quality thriller about sex on a desk that shows all stuck up young actresses what they will be forced to do for a living after burning every bridge they cross.
- As Aaron Spelling stayed up late one night, not being able to sleep, trying to figure out why the fruit of his loins are sooo damn hideous, he happened to catch the movie The Craft. This inspired him to come up with his own show about witches, and, being that Shannen proved to him in the past that she could play the role of witch in real life to perfection, he decided to cast her in the lead of his new show Charmed. Of course, being that Shannen couldn't deal with the fact that Alyssa Milano is 10x hotter than she is, she caused a stink and recently left the show and will be replaced by Rose McGowan. Watch as McGowan continues illogically redoing whatever Shannon Doherty does. Not that "Jawbreaker" was ANYTHING like "Heathers". My favorite character in Jawbreaker was "Martha Dumptrunk."
- "Life Goes On" (1989/I) playing "Ginny Green" in episode: "Corky's Crush" (episode # 1.12) 1/14/1990. That description came straight from imdb.com... and I think any comment I could even try to make would just come across as joke overkill.
Contribution to View Askew: Adding an air of surrealism to "Mallrats" by changing clothes in every scene. She also poses the question, "Which is more important? Sex with Shannen Doherty or Sega Genesis Hockey games?" The answer is quite simple - pretend that she is more important, and then when you're done with her and she's changing clothes, go back to the hockey game. No wonder she hates everybody and everybody hates her. If she wants to call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the privacy of her own home, it's her right.
Childish Nudey Photo Gallery:
My Thoughts: She's nice looking, sure, but in the last two years she's had like three DUI arrests, so I have to take a few steps back. You know what's worse than plowing over children on the sidewalk, though? Being so freaking disrespectful to her father. If Luke Perry comes over to her house and takes a big dump in the toilet, scoops it out and smears it on the family photo album, Doherty will stick up for him. Her dad will get all pissed because his daughter's boyfriend is a freaky beatnik Rebel Without a Cause.
Brenda: HOW COULD YOU??? I LOVE HIM!!! WHAT HE SMEARS HIS FECES ON IS HIS BUSINESS, HE'S HAD A HARD LIFE DAD YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!!!
Dad: Brenda, I...
Brenda: SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND US (cups hands over ears) DO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DO, DO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DO
What a bitch.
Joey Lauren Adams
Goes together like a horse and carriage
Best Known As: Fingercuffs. She's also a real big time B-level celebrity, with such great films as "Michael (the one about fat angels)," "The Coneheads," "Disney's Hercules," and "Dr. Dolittle 2." Why hasn't she been turned into a burning pillar of salt by God? For a very simple and definite reason:
Even our creator (who's hobbies include drowning people with floods and generally smoting the enemies of the pure) observes the prime rule of female attractiveness: There is NOTHING on God's green name sexier than a woman in a hockey jersey.
Contributions to Popular Culture:
- Adams has a special place in television history (between the lunar landing and that episode of 90210 where Tiffani-Amber Thiessen gets AIDS) for being the girl with enough gumption and spelunking equipment to deflower Bud Bundy on "Married...With Children."
- What do you get when you mix Joey Lauren Adams with Cammy from the Street Fighter Movie, a level 2 Gundam Baldwin brother, and screen legend Pauly Shore? Why, exactly what you'd think! A festering pile of dog crap with little stoner flies buzzing around shouting "OOooh-HOOO THE WEEEE (pause) SULL BUDDY AHOOO!!!" before flying with righteous indignation into bug zapper. Also, Bio-Dome.
- Sometimes listed as "Joey Adams" in the credits of her films. Sometimes listed as "Joey Lauren" when confused with the feather-head that played Blossom's stupid older brother and had a hit pop album and 18 minutes of undeserved fame. WHOA, what a lame joke! Ain't nothin' my writing can't fix for ya, baby.
Contribution to View Askew: Joey's almost the signature female for the View Askew films, appearing in Mallrats, Chasing Amy, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. During her stint on screen she dons the aforementioned hockey jersey, gets elbowed in the boob, makes out with Jason Lee's wife (score another point with God for that one, you crazy Lebanese!), disses Mallrats, and appears NAKED in Mallrats. She even dated Kevin Smith for a while, which was probably preceded by thousands of dollars and the New Jersey Botanical Garden for agreeing to appear nude in a movie that 50% of the audience went to see because they heard Stan Lee was gonna be in it.
A gift from Jersey. I think Springsteen's in there somewhere, as my knowledge of the state and it's pratices go.
Childish Nudey Photo Gallery:
My Thoughts: Definitely the most underrated girl on this list. Perhaps it's the whole "not a supermodel but she's got those slanty eyes that make me want to shoop" deal she's got going on. It's the same with Leann Rimes and the girl that played Julie the babysitter on Growing Pains. I think it's my hidden desire to pound every Asian waitress at the Hong Kong Super Convoy Chinese Buffet added onto my already sick fascination with the sexy sorority girls and college cuties in the all new Girls Gone Wild: College Girls Exposed. I can't believe what happens when we let THEM have the camera!
But then again she'd made out with David Faustino and Kevin Smith. I don't want to get gunk in my mouth. Oh, wait, no, it's because she was on that TV show "Second Noah." Yeah, that's it. (shudder)
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard...
Best Known As: The girl who wasn't Josie from "Anti-Trust," the latest those thrilling SeXXXy HaX0r films that Roger Ebert and people who hook their computers together in the basement so they can play "Tribes" really fast love. The only thing that would've made Anti-Trust more successful would've been a new plot, some characterization, and shuriken-hurling midget cops. THEN it woulda kicked ass.
Contributions to Popular Culture:
- Hopping into bed with Freddie Prinze Jr. in "Boys and Girls." Have you noticed the trend in this article alone of gorgeous girls getting bedded by the Ghoulies in Hollywood? There's a preconception with seeing the unachievable girl get with the "Every Man." I see two possible solutions: Demanding that only Ewan McGregor and possibly a sans-Queen Heath Ledger be able to sleep with girls *I* am not able to sleep with, or attacking my face X-Wing style with a hatchet and hoping for the best. Why won't you sleep with ME, Claire? Answer the question, Claire!
- Being typecast as "the distressed girlfriend in peril" in films like "Mallrats," "Basquiat," "Last Time I Committed Suicide," "Mystery Men," and "Meet Joe Black." It's impressive to watch the British actress portray an immature American (the attitude portrayed by all of her characters but the ones who sleep with Right Said Fred), especially when it comes to "Meet Joe Black," which started before I was born and has still yet to end. If you ever want enough time away from the job and responsibility to plan a family just pop that bad boy in the VCR.
- "Police Academy 7 - Mission to Moscow." I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie Spaceballs. But instead, itís been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.
Contribution to View Askew: Despite executing the most perfect delivery in motion picture history ("She had the fattest ass!"), Forlani joins Jason/Jeremy London and Linda Fiorentino in the "Three People in Hollywood Who Won't Be in a Kevin Smith Movie Again Fraternity." Perhaps it's because she and London were a part of Mallrats, which didn't do anything thrilling for anyone's career. Fiorentino isn't there because paraplegic monkey trying to get over date rape and standard feelings of inadequacy could've done a better acting job than she did in "Dogma."
Childish Nudey Photo Gallery:
My Thoughts: So she's got cheekbones you could skewer meat and vegetables with to use as a creative dish to lighten up those midsummer cookouts, I've always thought Forlani was one of the prettiest women in the world. Perhaps it's because she kinda looks like she might be a bird of some kind...a really HOT bird, not a big fat bird like Big Bird or a scary evil bird like Gwenyth Paltrow. I think it's because if she gained about 250 pounds, painted her skin like tiger stripes, and put on animal body parts (nose, tail, etc.) she would be my dream girl. Also, she would have to tie up Japanese girls and pee on camera all the time. I am one with the Internet.
So what was I saying before? Oh yeah, Kevin Smith is the best director ever. I hope he makes 50 more movies, and the line "Tell em, Steve-Dave" shows up in all of them. God bless you, you big fat dynamo.
b the vampire slayer