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Cast Away: The Director's Cut..

posted by Paul on 9/12/01

Fade In:

TOM HANKS: First of all, why is that creepy guy standing behind me? Second of all, let me make a long-winded and blatant promotion for the Federal Express company. Fedex. Fedex. And in case, anyone in the back row didn't hear, Fedex. Use Fedex. It's Fantastic AND reliable! Anyway, it looks as though I'll be playing the usual sickeningly wholesome family man. Oh, my wife will be Helen Hunt, and she won't be playing a variation on her tiresome white trash act. That's a relief, I suppose, but then she might go for the only other role she knows how to play - the lovesick "Mad About You" schtick. Ok, for no logical reason whatsoever, I'm going to get on my Fedex plane and deliver some Fedex mail in Fedex Russia. Or some such nonsense. Fedex.

HELEN HUNT: Hi honey, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my days with you. I hope our love is never cast away. Right, I'm off to watch "Sex and The City". I love that Mr. Big guy, and I just can't wait to see who the girls spread for this week.

TOM HANKS: Mr. Big, eh? I thought I was the only man in your life.

HELEN HUNT: Honey, I had to put up with that little slug, Paul Reiser, for years. Don't give me a hard time. Besides, it's just a TV show. It's not like you'd go away for a while and I'd fall in love with Mr. Big. Relax!

TOM HANKS: Ok, then, I'm off to Russia, to do the bidding of my splendid Fedex company.

TOM HANKS: It's a letter from Steve Guttenberg. He says he wants his career back. How peculiar. It seems that it was only yesterday when me and him were neck in neck, then I started giving Steven Spielberg complimentary back massages and what do you know? Two Oscars and a heap of ego. That's Hollywood... Hey guys, can we speed this movie along, I've already done "You've Got Mail", I don't fancy doing the sequel "You've delivered mail for two hours in $100 million movie". Oh my god, that's great. Better write it down for when the work dries up.

Tom's plane crashes in a spectacular scene that overshadows the rest of this low-key movie.

DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS: Well, shit. Pseudo Steven Spielberg here had to blow his load over that set piece. Don't you know I'm going to struggle to carry this one-note movie all by myself?

DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS: Quiet! I'm trying to show how we all have primitive instincts and how we need to use those primitive instincts when we need to. We're all Capitalist pigs!

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE: But haven't there been countless movies like this before?

DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS: You may have a point there. Look, just shut up while I use my overly-elaborate and pretentious camera angles and Tom Hanks does stuff.

TOM HANKS: Oh darn, it looks as though I'm the only survivor from that plane crash, and that I'm on this Island alone. This ought to be a lot of fun. Hey, there are used condoms and bottles of booze everywhere. Did Ben Affleck have this Island before me? ..

hours later..

TOM HANKS: I've been here an hour already and my spoiled Hollywood ass is craving food. It's just a shame that I've been preened and pampered so long that I've forgotten how to do things for myself. I've even forgotten how to make statements without a publicity agent contolling my words. I'm scared!

TOM HANKS: Ok, now that I've noted the number of movies where I've played the same essential characters on this tree, let me look deep and soulful.


TOM HANKS: I must find food. Hey, look over here. It's a bunch of Fedex packages. I guess this goes to show that Fedex always delivers (*wink*). I hope this role delivers me Oscars and all the critics will praise me for being so bold, even though I'm making about $20 million just for walking around and looking like a Caveman.

WILSON THE VOLLEYBALL: I am Wilson. I am...a volleyball. I was in one of these Fedex packages and in this movie for no other reason than shameless product placement. Buy me. Play with me.

TOM HANKS: Whoa, a volleyball. I shall call you Wilson, just in case the audience miss the point. I really miss my wife, but you can be an able substitute.

WILSON THE VOLLEYBALL: What do you call your wife?

TOM HANKS: Rita Wil...I mean, Helen Hunt.

WILSON THE VOLLEYBALL: Can I see a picture?

Tom shows a picture..

WILSON THE VOLLEYBALL: I know I'm one to talk. LOL. But you're wife looks alarmingly like an egg.

TOM HANKS: That's my onscreen wife you're talking about! Here's another picture..

Tom shows another picture..

WILSON THE VOLLEYBALL: I bet she's boiling now. Hey, if she was here, she could cry with you. E.T.C.

Years pass..

TOM HANKS: Pity Fedex couldn't deliver some Gillette to the Island. Look everybody! I'm losing weight!

WILSON THE VOLLEYBALL: Because you're aren't eating properly?

TOM HANKS: No. Because I want to win another Oscar, you dumb ball!

WILSON THE VOLLEYBALL: Well, puncture me in the ass!

TOM HANKS: You know, Wilson, there's one big advantage of being on this Island.

WILSON THE VOLLEYBALL: No more Paul Walker movies?

TOM HANKS: No, I get to kill animals and roll around in my own Feces. Just like Kevin Costner!

WILSON THE VOLLEYBALL: You're really starting to scare me, and I am but a simple product placement.

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE: When are they going to vote him off the Island?

TOM HANKS: The weight's just flying off. Forget that fucking Atkins' diet. Geez, I could really use a stiff one. Where's Spielberg when you need him?

Tom eats live snakes, chops trees with his bare hands and starts his own Island business. He really is very resourceful.

TOM HANKS: I'm tired of having to carry this movie. I want to go home. OMG, a ship. I think I'll call for help. Help! Help me! Get me off this Island!

The ship comes. Tom is saved.

TOM HANKS: That was fun. You know, being away from home for five years, losing a bit of weight and retaining every semblance of my sanity.

HELEN HUNT: Why are you dancing with me?

TOM HANKS: I love you and want to have kids and other cliched family stuff that creates audience empathy when you hurt me in two seconds.

HELEN HUNT: Things have changed. You stink and I married a new man. Fuck off!

TOM HANKS: Oh. Well, I hope you're happy in your new life, but pray that you'll look back on what we had and leave this guy.

HELEN HUNT: Are you kidding me? It's Mr Big!

Tom dies of AIDS and a big broken heart. Fedex bury his ass.

The End

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