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Jeff Gordon Triumphant
posted by B on 2/21/01

It's not like professional wrestling isn't bad enough. The "sport of kings" has been around since the dawn of time, and in thousands of years of organized combat has developed from "naked men rolling around on the ground with each other" into "men rolling around on the ground with each other in their underwear."

Somehow it's grown into the very definition of "popular culture:" Something enjoyed and manipulated by a large group of the populous even though nobody really understands why they like it. But we do! Some of us, anyway... and most of the people who really do like professional wrestling can't step over the taboo long enough to admit it.

The athleticism and showmanship is unparalleled. Several times a week, show after show, the "superstars" of wrestling put their bodies and hearts on the line for an American public more interested in how much beer they are able to consume during the event. As homoerotic and detrimental to a solid mind as wrestling can be, it's moments when no one is looking when wrestling shines the brightest.

And what happens when everybody IS looking?

Watch a group of college kids sit around talking about how they "used to watch wrestling," and how the "nWo" was "too sweet" and "for life." Then ask them what the "nWo" is. They probably have no idea.

Wrestling will never be accepted in the mainstream completely, because (as much as I love it) most of it is really, really awful. Only Dave Coulier could think of something so ridiculous as a dead mortician who wrestles with his brother in red flame spandex. And those are the people the fans LIKE.

As an avid watcher of even the worst professional wrestling, I present to you a list of people who will not enhance the viewing experience, and, if observed closely, will burn your retinas and leave you incapacitated socially for the rest of your life. When these people are on the television, turn your television off and read a book. And then talk to your kids about the dangers of watching these people.

They are the worst of the worst.

Shannon Moore

Organization: World Championship Wrestling.
Nickname: "Jeff Three Count." Shane Helms is "Matt Three Count."
What's So Bad: This kid's got more blown spots than most bestiality websites. There's nothing more exciting than watching cruiserweights bounce around the ring flipping each other around by their necks with their legs, but some of the mystique is drained when one of the cruiserweights appears to have two broken ankles. As much as I WANT Shannon Moore to have the "untapped potential" that everyone says he has, and as much as I love the idea of a wrestling boy band, I just want him to sit down before he hurts himself. Possibly me. I saw him wrestle at a WCW Thunder taping and didn't feel safe in the tenth row. I thought Moore would go for a moonsault and land on his neck in my crotch.
Redeeming Points: Has more natural ability than anyone on the list. Even though he looks like some sort of sewer rodent, he's got a good physique and seems to recover from the three or four blown spots per match fairly quickly. Plus, he's in a wrestling boy band, which makes so little sense that it's almost enlightened.
Conclusion: Just because you wrestle like a Hardy Boy, and look like a Hardy Boy, and are friends with the Hardy Boyz, does not make you a Hardy Boy. Shannon should reapply the black fingernail polish, change into a bright orange mesh T-shirt, and learn how to stand up without falling over awkwardly.

"The One" Billy Gunn

Organization: World Wrestling Federation.
Nickname: "Mr. Posterior," "Billy Butt," "The One Filled with Cum," etc.
What's So Bad: He used to be a wrestling cowboy. Then he became a wrestling Elvis. Then he became a wrestler who really loved his own ass. Quite possibly the most universally unpleasant wrester of the Internet wrestling era. The fact that he looks like a frog with pubes on his head is overshadowed by his metallic butt shorts, which appear to have been grafted to the skin of his ass a few layers too deep. Honestly, the idea of seeing his butt crack and scrotum outline every night DOES become part of the background, so you get kinda used to it. So for "What's So Bad" we'll go with "has no actual idea what wrestling is." That, or "always points to his crotch."
Redeeming Points: For some reason the crowd seems to like him, which only makes sense to the elders of various Tibetan monasteries. I guess he's *trying* to be a good wrestler, so he gets an F+ for effort. Possibly the only wrestler in the world that could make the Road Dogg look good.
Conclusion: Remember the kid in your shop class who wanted to make a birdhouse more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, but couldn't keep from slicing his fingers off? Billy (real name Monty "Kip" Sopp "Kip" Gunn) should've stuck with his collegiate rodeo scholarship.

Jane Blonde

Organization: Women of Wrestling, or "WOW"
Nickname: "The only reason I'd ever turn the channel and watch Battle Dome."
What's So Bad: The entire Women of Wrestling organization is marred by the fact that nobody in the organization has ever SEEN or HEARD about wrestling. Only the lamest 1980's gimmicks make the cut in WOW (the hillbilly, the Samoan, the angry black people, Andy Griffith), but Jane's got the WORST name and WORST gimmick, I feel, in the history of human life. She's a secret agent. Get it? "Jane Blonde?" Yeah, I know, right? She speaks with a British accent that could be portrayed more accurately by a dead mute. Her acting makes Carrot Top look like Gregory Peck. She is the reason why the world should be destroyed by fire.
Redeeming Points: Her hometown is "her majesty's secret service." That's fucking priceless.
Conclusion: Someone please call 911. Tell them that I've been shot down, by her majesty's secret service. Bury me at sea.

Buff Bagwell

Organization: World Championship Wrestling.
Nickname: "The Stuff," or "Visual Poison."
What's So Bad: Bagwell epitomizes everything that's wrong with professional wrestling in a nutshell. He is overly arrogant with little charisma or talent to "back it up." He has a physique that would require 17,000 hours a day in the gym, or lots of XTREME METALIFE RX WEIDER DOOD OH HELLS YEAH WHAT UP. Plus he looks and acts really gay, so that's not good for the whole "men in tights" stigma. By "looks and acts gay" I of course do not mean to insinuate that he is a homosexual: rather, that he should be tacked onto a fence post somewhere and left for dead. Neal Patrick Harris can play him in the made-for-MTV movie. In a rubber body suit.
Redeeming Points: Bagwell's legacy in the tag team division gave us the greatest song known to music, "Theme from American Males." How does it go? "American Males, American Males, American Males, American Males, American Males," and then I forget the rest of the words.
Conclusion: Buff Bagwell would be a lot better if I never had to see him again. Possibly throw him down a mine shaft, that might increase the workrate. Dump dirt on him! Dump! Fire! Fire!


Organization: World Wrestling Federation.
Nickname: "Gump's Girlfriend"
What's So Bad: As if ramming your pierced tongue down Matt Hardy's gullet on live television wasn't bad enough, it's another case of the WWF passing off a marginally attractive woman as a "diva." Thankfully, most of us saw Lita (real name Lita Doring) back when she was Danny Doring's white-trash condom-ring wearing girlfriend. Another positive message from the WWF to little girls: it doesn't matter if nobody thinks you're pretty, men with lots of money will make people think you're pretty. Hey, it worked for Julia Roberts. Another bad thing about Lita is that she is so XTREME that whenever she does the least little thing (punch, talk like a man) she collapses and convulses on the ground like she's Shawn Michaels and she just went into minute 61 with Bret Hart. Somebody's taking themselves just a LITTLE seriously.
Redeeming Points: Even though she looks like she got hit in the face with a brick, Lita's really not all that bad looking. If you like the type, anyway. The only real good point about Lita is that they've packaged her with Jeff Hardy, who can even make Haku look good with a few tries. Claudia Schiffer and a floppy fur pimp hat couldn't make Haku look good.
Conclusion: I liked the Hardy Boyz a lot better when they were stupid ravers, or when they were vampires, or when they wore daisies on their pants. Now they're "hotties with a girlfriend." Jeff Hardy should be a goofy redneck in mesh clothes with purple hair who writes poetry about the fucking weeping tree, not a goofy redneck in mesh clothes with purple hair who writes poetry about the fucking weeping tree with a "hot" valet.


Organization: World Championship Wrestling.
Nickname: What the Hell?
What's So Bad: What the fuck? They're big white musclemen in black spandex and sunglasses who can barely speak, if WCW was going for a pothead tag team they could've at least picked somebody on a lesser level of dork. The words "bath house" and "locker room orgy" come to mind. Take off those stupid ass glasses.
Redeeming Points: Remember when Brian Adams was in the WWF, and he was "Kona Crush" from Hawaii, and then Mr. Fuji became his manager and Crush was all of a sudden a foreigner? And then Crush, a white guy born in Hawaii, got really pissed when the crowd would chant USA USA? Vince McMahon should use his millions of dollars to buy himself some second grade edumacation.
Conclusion: What the fucking Hell?


Organization: World Wrestling Federation.
Nickname: "The Ninth Surgical Wonder of the World"
What's So Bad: I'm all for rampant feminism. I think that women should have every right that a man does, I think women should be paid according to their job performance and not about how much vagina they have, and I would watch women's basketball if I could afford that lobotomy. However, the message that Chyna puts out for little girls ("have confidence and be yourself because looking different makes you special, especially once you've got enough money to get facial reconstructive surgery and a boob job") is despicable. Couple that with the fact that all she ever talks about is how "pretty" she is, and you've got a "wonder of the world" who's head comes very close to the size of the unnecessarily giant ugly breasts. Hey Miss America, real boobs don't rest on each side of your rib cage.
Redeeming Points: Chyna's (real name Joanie Chynostopolis) big point of redemption is that she's a flaming hypocrite. She routinely makes fun of fellow/former female wrestling personalities like Rena Mero or Trish Stratus for getting plastic surgery, and is infamous for talking about how ugly former personality/horse-faced gremlin Nicole Bass is. I guess Chyna can't look in the mirror for the fear of shards of glass shooting forth and ruining her chin job.
Conclusion: Wrestling's most unscrupulous character is also one of it's most notable, mostly because WWF head Vince McMahon doesn't give a shit about human beings who are under six feet tall or two-hundred pounds. Hopefully she'll go the way of Rena Mero and only bother us as the guest star of Cleopatra 2525.

And the list goes on and on. Why do we even bother watching wrestling? It's fake!

For the same reason we watch anything on Television. We've been trained in the tradition of the Pavlov rats to watch what we know, and as a society all we know is a world of competition and violence occasionally featuring a mean dentist or a turkey that dances. Do we NOT watch "Friends" because Jennifer Aniston got married to Brad Pitt instead of Ross? No way, we can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Jennifer Aniston married Brad Pitt because he digs girls who are hideous to look at.

It's all the test of making your mind believe you're watching something worthwhile, because the only alternatives are Ally McBeal and Monday Night Football.

One has Robert Downey Jr., the other has Dennis Miller.

The healthiest thing to do would be to watch the stupid men in their underwear fake hit each other. You'll at least grow up violent, instead of drug addled or unnecessarily obnoxious.

Fuck it, just go outside. What're you doing on a website anyway? Do some push-ups!