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Jessica Simpson: Does she have a purpose?

posted by Paul on 12/14/01

Does Jessica Simpson have any value?

Whenever we look back at the fad that was teen pop, we will probably laugh, nod our heads and jump on our hoverboards - just like they did in "Back to the Future II". The twentieth "Star Wars" prequel will be in pre-production, Britney Spears will be playing Vegas and teen pop will be nothing but a Made for TV movie premise - the recycled storylines of manipulation, pushy parents and ripped off fans. No doubt, as is always the case with nostalgia, the memories will be fonder than the reality - the reality of having to listen to preachy popstars and cheesy lyrics. Right now, it's hard to be philosophical. Not when popular culture is lacking in a strong voice.

"I like being natural so much, I hide my real looks beneath layers of make-up and expensive studio lighting! Sadly, I was unsuccessful in trying to look sexy."

There isn't a single young female singer who can carry the torch into the future; these deceitful "role models" are poisoning the youths of America. One minute, Britney Spears is talking about being a devout Christian, the next she's pictured in saucy men's mags talking about having sex (yet still denying that she's gone all the way). For teen divas, the facade is definitely over and no-one's buying the act. That understood, the biggest shame is that we are still bombarded by micro talents like Mandy Moore, Britney and, worst of all, Jessica Simpson. These girls wouldn't know talent if it struck them square in their silicone-infested bodies. They are nothing but marketing barbie dolls, selling their rickety plastic and having the audacity to flaunt their airbrushed sex appeal, then pretending not to even comprehend why appearing scantily clad would cause a fuss. You see, at first these toys were sold to the pre-teens. Then when the toys "matured", they (or their record executives) realized the money was to be made from sleazy men and pervy boys. The holier than thou attitudes soon transformed to raciness and Britney set the trend. She, being the first on the scene, was soon followed by the predictable band of inferior copycats - literally barbie dolls with different outfits.

"Hey, why not try Britney a little younger/with a little less talent/more sassy?"

The worst offender is, without question, Jessica Simpson - a ditzy, overweight, shockingly bad Britney clone. She came on the scene and tried to be a "positive role model", telling anyone who would listen about her relationship with God and pristine morals. Her music was atrocious, incorporating patently sexual lyrics like "my friends tell me something has come over me and I think I know what it is" and "pour yourself all over me and I'll cherish every drop here on my knees" with mechanical rhtythm and lackluster vocals - all the while pretending to be some ballsy Mother Theresa with a penchant for Britney Spears fashion. To make matters worse, she dated the lead singer from a diabolical boyband, and used that hook to catapult her to marginal fame. The media bought this unlikely, "wholesome" romance and the fact that Jessica was a breath of fresh air.... Until she realized thatit was having a negligible effect on her record sales, and hastily altered her approach. Jessica, who shunned the raunchiness of other pop divas, was soon even more indistinguishable from the rest and became nothing more than a cheap Britney clone, and a pretty ugly one at that.

No, honest. I'm really original with my attitude and junk!

With her overgrown baboon head, self-righteous attitude and overall foulness, Jessica is an easy target for ridicule, but one who still sells an undeserved amount of albums. Since she's a performer who lacks so much of the required tools, I asked myself "what exactly is keeping Jessica Simpson on TV?" I began to analyze, but my bitter brain yielded no results. I knew I'd have to use the incomparable resource of the interne, where I discovered this classic quote:

"Madonna...doesn't have a good voice at all." - Jessica Simpson

Wow, this would be easy, logic would dictate. Maybe there's a reason she's on TV after all. Surely someone who can make such a bold statement about a pop legend must have a considerable amount of talent and fans to back up such arrogance. Perhaps I misjudged Miss Simpson. "No!", my cynical side exclaimed, "if you build it, they will come!!". Now, I have no idea why my cynical side had to rip off lines from "Field of Dreams", but I knew that I had a task to complete - and I hoped it wouldn't be, as the latter quote suggested, a porn website. Read Jessica's quote again. Ponder it. Think about who said it. I did, and I knew I could do this. I knew I could reach down and once again insult a vacuous little prima donna. Yes, hypocrisy is a bitch, and nothing is bitchier than the world of diva pop. There's no question that popular music has sunk to new lows, plumbed the depths, scraped the barrels and manipulated anyone silly enough to hand over the cash. With regards to Jessica, it's daylight robbery!

Say hello to Rockina Dennis!



The Website

Plagued by the eternal question, I logged on to Jessicasimpson.com and attempted to uncover her appeal. Maybe her repulsiveness had, well, repulsed me and maybe I should see if there was an inner beauty at work here - I'm a sucker for such strengths. God knows I love strong, positive women as much as the next guy at the Hot Dog stand. If Jessica was one, I know I'd have plenty of egg on my face and enough humble pie to sample, I might as well subscribe to the Rosie O' Donnell diet.

Getting your decreasing number of fans to badger radio stations to play your latest crappy record is NOT a sign of desperation.

What I got when I logged on to this abomination of a website was a hideous (although now obligatory) flash movie, and the option to pick a language in which to view the site. The creators obviously spent more time making the site in a host of languages, than they did making it good in any. While the notion was quite splendid, I knew it wouldn't be any more palatable in Japanese than in English. Naturally, I chose the latter.

The site is an absolute eyesore, loaded with self-serving nonsense and lame requests to her fans. It's also got an embarrasing video diary, wherein Jessica updates us on what's been happening in her whiz of a life - namely, self-promotion and trying to catch the attention of any photographer in sight. I couldn't see any appeal here, nor in her PIX section.

"OMG, like, I'm so me!!"

My immediate impression was "she looks different in every picture, but ugly in each". I admired her gall, but nothing else, and I made up my mind that she had no outside beauty. I browsed around.

Her FORUM, for which you can REGISTER, is a nice place, wherein users make profound statements like "Has anyone ever heard this song (BEAUTIFUL) by Jennifer Paige? It is so nice! I would love to hear Jess sing it, I think her voice would fit it perfectly." If anyone would like to participate in the forum, I'd recommend signing up, and NOT being a nuisance and NOT insulting Jessica and her well-adjusted fans. That would hurt everyone. Especially Jessica.

Still, I found no trace of a good personality or any idea why she's still around. I was perplexed. Maybe her biography would provide more clues. I decided to read between the lines, my sense of disgust kicking in and dragging me through the mud of cyber-land:



Jessica's Bio.

Things weren't looking good now. Jessica owed it to herself and me to make this work. I now felt she had no merit, and I disliked her more intensely than ever before. She had a choice: honesty or bust. My suspicions could not be so easily confirmed, surely?

On her sterling new Columbia Records collection, Irresistible, Jessica Simpson delivers an important message:

"I suck at music!111"

She's a young woman now.

As opposed to being an annoying, phony teen diva! What a revelation!

The pop ingÚnue who made waves in 1999

I guess "waves" must translate to "many people commit suicide".

with her powerhouse debut, Sweet Kisses, says that she's done quite a bit of growing up over the past three years--and it's vividly illustrated in her music.

Well, if she says it, she must have done a lot of growing up! Surely, a vacuous pop flunkie wouldn't be cliched, derivative, self-serving and by-the-numbers!

"I was 17 when I recorded Sweet Kisses, and now I'm 21. I'm so proud of what I've accomplished so far," she notes,

Yeah, you've made an idiot of yourself, attempted to be self-righteous and wound up getting dumped by some lantern-jawed asshead from a diabolical boyband. Pat on the back.

reflecting a track record that includes the smash hits "I Wanna Love You Forever," "Where You Are," and "I Think I'm In Love With You."

That doesn't sound like a vote of confidence to me. If someone told me "I Wanna Love You Forever," and then followed up with "I Think I'm In Love With You", I'd more than likely think she's some sort of deluded, insecure wench. Hey, that's exactly the impression I get when I look at Jessica Simpson. An amazing coincidence.

"But that period between albums provided a lot of emotional and spiritual discovery for me.

Most likely she discovered she was heinous and severely devoid of talent and charisma. We discovered that long ago.

During that time, I also got in close touch with who I want to be as an artist. You can hear that on this new album."

I guess the artist she wanted to be was Donald Duck, because that's the impression that hits me when I'm unfortunate enough to hear her "art". It's a pity the she's not modelling herself on the great artist, Van Gogh. Then she'd cut off her ear, check into a mental ward and we'd be rid of her for good. Sadly, when I listen to her music, that's just what I feel compelled to do.

Collaborating with a stellar cast of performers, producers, and writers including Columbia labelmate Marc Anthony, Nick Lachey of 98░,

Because nothing screams "stellar" like the vagrant from "Bringing Out The Dead" and Simpson's hideous and talentless ex-boyfriend.

Walter Afanasieff (Celine Dion), and Cory Rooney (Jennifer Lopez).

I never knew Dion and J-Lo were called Walter Afanasieff and Cory Rooney. This bio has it all! I prefer their stage names, though. Having said that, "The Wedding Planner" starring Cory Rooney might have been quite appealing.

Irresistible shows Jessica boldly travelling down several fresh new musical avenues.

Each one sucking more than the last.

In addition to offering more of the lush, passionate ballads that have become her signature,

Yes, "I Wanna Love You Forever" was lush and passionate, as opposed to cringe-inducing and unbearable. While we're at it, Richard Simmons is sincere and respectable.

she has effectively expanded her creative palette to

"suck as much ass as is humanly possible"

include ebullient rhythm-pop and sultry R&B

My wording was more succinct.

--gliding through a collection of funk-fortified grooves and sophisticated contemporary ballads with the finesse and confidence of a seasoned performer.

Yeah, if by "seasoned performer", you mean Carrot Top or Pauly Shore. By the way, whoever is writing this babble clearly only learned how to use adjectives. Sorry, I mean descriptive, super-exciting, ebullient adjectives.

"That's what I really wanted to come across on these songs... confidence," Jessica notes. "I wanted to show that with that inner strength and inner light, nothing is impossible."

Except trying to make passable music or an ounce of sense, obviously.

The singer is also out to prove that confidence can be sexy.

Gee, what a crusader! I doubt any manufactured singer has ever spouted the PR favorite "confidence is sexy".

Case in point, the album's title cut and first single, a percussive shuffler that smolders without stepping over the line of what Jessica deems as good taste.

I'd take advice on good taste from Jessica Simpson about the time I take advice on appropriate sexual behavior from Jack Nicholson. This is a girl who consistently puts out awful records and has bored even the most ardent Oprah fan with tales of what it means to be spiritually strong. If she knew anything about good taste, she'd leave the industry she's helping to demolish.

"You have to have boundaries," she asserts. "I'm trying to give an image of a young confident woman on that song, as well as on the rest of the album."

The "I'm a strong woman" line is so old, it virtually doesn't register. I may come across as harsh, but I'll start believing these girls are strong when they stop being corporate puppets and start doing something that would suggest strength - like helping people or displaying an iota of individuality.

That confidence shines through on "A Little Bit," the second single from Irresistible, which finds Jessica boldly declaring her love and her needs while underscoring the fact that she will not be taken for granted and will settle for nothing less than mutual understanding when conflict arises.

So, she's strong simply because she doesn't adopt the Britney "I'm a slave..hit me..I need you and will satisfy you always" route? It's actually quite sad that a girl asking not to be treated as a piece of meat is viewed by the media (or whatever goon is writing this) as a sign of strength. Are we going back in time?

"We can work it out together," she sings. "A little less talk, a little more do, a little more me, a little less you, baby, at the end of the day, a little bit goes a long way."

That's odd. These are exactly the lines Tom Cruise said to Nicole Kidman on their wedding night.

Though some might find her style provocative,

Provocatively dire, methinks.

Jessica's allure goes beyond the physical.

It doesn't even stretch to the physical. Not only is Jessica lacking in vocal talent, I doubt she'd turn my head in the street, other than the odd "horse" quip.

"That's not what's sexy about me," she adds with a smile.

Disturbingly, I do think she believes she is sexy. I'm sorry, but twenty lackey record execs lying to you and pimple-faced teen fans who know nothing will never make Jessica sexy. It's like the "Emperor's New Clothes" syndrome - something that's disturbingly prevalent in the media these days.

"I believe that my soul and my faith are what's sexy about me. It's all about what's inside."

Man, that soul of yours is real sexy. Oh, and your faith. Damn, I can hardly type here thinking about your deep religious convictions. Let's go to church and splash ourselves with holy water.

That said, Jessica admits that she does occasionally enjoy flexing a little external heat

In other words, she's into masturbation. She's doing a pretty good job of rubbing herself off here, I must admit.

... even if it's completely innocent. "There's a cut on the album, 'Hot Like Fire,' that I think will take people by surprise,"

"Hot Like Fire"? What a witty play on words. I can't wait for the follow-up "Stink Like Shit". No, wait, that's how that illiterate guy reviewed her album.

she says of the self-assured hip-hop-flavored cut produced by Cory Rooney.

Let's not forget that Cory Rooney is actually Jennifer Lopez.

"It's a hardcore 'attitude' song. You might not even recognize my voice at first.

I'm shaking in my boots. Jessica is such a badass with her "attitude". But then, if it's a song without her distinctive (read: crap) voice, it might be tolerable.

It's totally raw and intense. It's a shake-your-hips kind of song. I love it."

At least someone loves it. The only shaking of hips that this piece of dung will produce is those "shaking their hips" in order to ruin the CD - or the people shuffling to leave her concert.

While the young artist enjoyed the process of experimentation while recording Irresistible

It'd be cool if she experimented with acid-tasting.

, she was equally pleased to perform stately ballads like "To Fall In Love Again" and "There You Were," on which she duets with Marc Anthony.

I can hardly contain my excitement.

Jessica says cutting the latter tune was "an experience unlike any other" .

Yeah, she got to stand around singing two lines while taking the credit for the track, while someone with decent vocal talent does the lion's share of the work.

"His voice is amazing, but the best thing about him is his passion," she beams,

Me suspects some extra-curricular activities in the studio.

remembering the day they met in the studio. "He sat me down and said, 'For the next six hours, I'm going to be in love with you.

"then after I've humiliated you, you'll never see me again. Just like all your ex-boyfriends!"

I work on my songs like movie scripts.'

No wonder they turn out so bad. I suppose "Battlefied Earth" is the sort of movie script he means.

And from there, he made up a complete relationship between our two characters."

A "complete" relationship. Is that like the one Jessica Simpson had with Nick Lahcy. The one that involved no sex, him screwing around on her everytime she turned her monkeyhead and then leaving her when the novelty wore off?

As a result, Jessica believes that "you can feel the love in the song. The connection we had in the studio was incredible."

I can definitely feel the love in the song. The love of silly lyrics and weak crooning.

However, the song on Irresistible that most reflects Jessica's true spirit is "His Eye Is On The Sparrow,"

Hopefully, his eye isn't on my sparrow. I don't think I'd enjoy that.

a gospel standard that she has been singing since she was a young girl in church.

No wonder church attendance has declined so steeply.

"My relationship with God is the most intimate in my life, and it always will be," she shares.

If Jessica Simpson had an intimate relationship with God, I think I'll book my ticket for Hell. It's easier for all concerned. And since Al Pacino is Satan, I think I might enjoy it than a world ruled by Alanis Morrisette. Movies rule.

"I wanted to give my fans something special about that."

Because even though it's not true, we'd all like to pretend our pop idols are god-loving do-gooders.

Recording that song was a trip back to Jessica's roots, as she began her career as a gospel singer.

I thought it was going to say "she used to watch sparrows".

"It's taken me to where I am today," the Dallas native says, recalling that one of her gospel performances first drew the attention of Columbia Records.

This explains, quite brilliantly, why so many people reject religion.

"And it's the music that means the most to me--particularly 'His Eye Is On The Sparrow.'

Why would God's eye, if you can even believe her, be on a sparrow?

It's about all of the discouragement in life, and how none of it is very important in the grand scheme of things because we are all ultimately free and capable of being happy.

And happier whenever this obnoxious teen fad dies out and we no longer have to take lessons in philosophy from bimbos just out of high school.

I know that's true for me. I sing because I'm happy. And I sing because I'm free. I want to share that with my fans."

It'd be better if her happiness didn't infringe on other people's.

And Jessica's relationship with her fans is of tremendous importance to her.

Because ripping off easily-led pre-pubescents keeps this money rolling in.

"They keep me going. They inspire me. I do all I can to keep in close touch with the fans who support my music--whether it be via my shows or on the Internet. The energy I get from them is extraordinary."

The money you get from them is extraordinary. The fact that you have a recording contract is extraordinary. The fact that you rate yourself so highly, when you're actually quite grotesque, is extraordinary.

And hey, selling merchandise like this through your website is a crime in itself:

I'm fat, tacky and easily bought. Just like Jessica!

That energy is just as vital to Jessica as the support she derives from her friends and family.

She's a leech.

"You have to have a support team around you. My best friends are on the road with me, and I hold my family close to me. If you don't surround yourself with good people, then you have nothing to artistselop character from."

I don't know what "artistselop" means but it sounds like a cool new word.

In the end, it's the strength of character that is propelling Jessica Simpson to immeasurable pop music heights.

Or, more precisely, "it's the shady marketers and shameless robbery of the impressionable that is propelling Jessica Simpson to pop music mediocrity".

She's more than merely Irresistible... she's unstoppable.

She's certainly very resistible. The only thing I find irresistible about her is the irrestible urge to rag on her.
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So, if she looks unpopular and acts unpopular, why then does Jessica Simpson still pollute radios worldwide? Does anyone like her?

Unsatisfied in my quest for answers and a little biased in my own feelings towards scary teen "starlets", I acted as any responsible Journalist would...I sought out the opinions and insights of sharp opinions and devastating philosophies.

Teen Internet Chatrooms!

Here, I would surely find some Jessica fans, her target audience, and I might be able to fathom why and how they were brainwashed. I knew I couldn't come unprepared, so I loaded my dictionary with "LOLs" and "ASL?" comments, just in case I needed them. I think I have a fair grasp of the teen psyche - so, if the internet is any indication, all teenagers are deranged freaks who like Limp Bizkit and engage in bizarre Internet parlance and "cybering".

I had to adopt a suitable disguise. It came to me in a flash. Rocky Dennis! I would grace every chatroom as Rocky Dennis. You see, it made perfect sense. Rocky Dennis could only get a blind chick. Similarly, many people on the internet are metaphorically blind. They sit in all day, don't SEE much of life and have no idea who they're chatting with. Genius at work here, folks!

Genius at work!

This satisfied three of my agendas. 1) It gave me a convincing cover, 2) It made me look clinically insane (which, judging by this article, is a fair assumption) and 3) It allowed me to poke fun at stupid teenagers. I just needed to find a well-populated chatroom.

MSN chat sounded interesting enough (translation: it gave me a prompt on the PC and I wasn't going to search for other rooms. I do have some credibility, you know), so I immediately logged on and created myself a secret persona - that of an acned sixteen year-old biker fan. I was anxious about calling myself a teen, because the creators were adamant that only teens could use their precious service. I felt cheap and dirty (no bad thing in itself), because I'm well aware that everyone on the internet is entirely honest about their dispositions. Nevertheless, I was cautious. Signing up for anything on the internet always gives me cause for worry. Lord knows that my e-mail box can do without the latest batch of "MAKE YOUR PENIS GROW 10 INCHES JUST BY MOVING YOUR EARS!!11", "CLICK HERE TO EARN $10,000 A DAY" or "HOT NAKED TEENAGE ASIAN BABES WAITING FOR U!!!!" e-mails - and those are just the e-mails Dave personally sends my way.

Once I'd created my handle and decided against the "CHECK THIS BOX IF YOU WANT TO RECEIVE MINDLESS JUNK MAIL IN THE GUISE OF SPECIAL OFFERS" offer, I was on my way. I logged in to find a room of 40 people, excitedly LOLing and desperately asking complete strangers to "click 123 if you like NSYNC. It seemed as though I'd walked into a separate universe, one void of life or self-conciousness. These were my subjects, dammit, and I owed it to myself to complete my task:

MSN Teen Chat

Gunslinger292 : any hot ladies wanna "play" with a 19/m/Georgia please whisper me or press 22
RockyLDennis : Does anyone like Jessica Simpson?
SPARKLES1938 : I AINT NO CHEERLEADER!!!! LOL
ItsBlueyes : thats what i'm talking about
HAILIE8 : DONT WISHPER ME U HO
LocoAlly : don'
LocoAlly : t change ur mind like lil kids sparkles
poke_smot9 : whoa chill out
bigbuds8 : I LIKE JESSICA
RockyLDennis : Why, Bigbuds?
bigbuds8 : SHE IS GOOD LIKEING
louise_267 : ANYONE WANNA WISPA A 16 F UK
RockyLDennis : Wispa?
RockyLDennis : Isn't that a chocloate bar?
LocoAlly : lol
cuboidspade : yea it is
Dýckies : hey
SPARKLES1938 : LOL
LocoAlly : heya
shannonburitt : hi
Dýckies : 16/male/cali with
SPARKLES1938 : UZ A HO!!
RockyLDennis : Why do you think Jessica Simpson still exists?
HAILIE8 : LOL
LocoAlly : i don't liek her
Dýckies : jessica simpson is a btch
LocoAlly :
tallyez81 : say what
Beirut5 : F**k Jessica Simpson.
Ddalby0 : shes hot
DRKP : hi all
Dýckies : jessica simpson is a btch
rollpop1 : sup guys
bigbuds8 : NOT MUCH

Well, I didn't find many convincing answers or adequate spellers in this room, so I knew I had to search further afield. I ventured to the "Teen Party" chatroom, well-aware of the huge contradiction in terminology. To have a "party" would suggest a level of fun and sociability, something that is rarely associated with online chatrooms. Then, I figured the "party" referred to the level of vomit being induced and the amount of broken ornaments. Going by my previous foray to a teen chatroom, it wasn't too far-fetched that I might be compelled to vomit and smash precious domestic goods. I was Rocky Dennis, after all. I had a reputation to keep and a list of questions that needed answered, the latest of which centred around my mental well-being:


Teen Party

RockyLDennis : 16/ M/ severely disfigured
RockyLDennis : I look like a lion
FeudalDRE_2001 : IM SURE U DO
RockyLDennis : That's why I come online. Because I can't click with people who talk.
RockyLDennis : Anyone like motorcycles?
chunks420 : hell yea
NaggingDawnkey : no
NaggingDawnkey : not really
chunks420 : bikes rule
RockyLDennis : I'm saving to ride my motorcycle around europe
Originalox : loooong ride denis
chunks420 : rocky yer talkin about street right
RockyLDennis : Let me see if I can be more inviting: 16/m/USA. ne females wanna chat?
8trafficinsite has left the conversation.
8nasarel3456 has joined the conversation.
8brissie_chik has left the conversation.
8HumorFuN88 has joined the conversation.
Host Teen_Bot kicked nasarel3456 out of the chat room: Inappropriate behavior.

Plainly, four people - all with an "8" prefix in their names - couldn't resist my sexy come-ons and had to leave. I guessed they just needed to towel off. It's not everyday you meet someone online who is honest enough about their disfigurement, so my seeming honesty perhaps made them think of their own dismal situations. Meanwhile, I was finding all this something of a drug: not that it was addictive and immoral, just that I feared I was treating my brain to irreparable damage. I knew that I wasn't going to get my all-important answers here, but I persisted long enough to make an all too relevant quip:

8angevil4life has joined the conversation.
HoTtStUf7377 : 16/M/NY
spaceybabe_16 : hey ppl
RockyLDennis : I'm doing an essay on Helen of Troy, but I have an odd fixation with sticking tacks in maps. Now I'd like to stick a tack in Jessica Simpson's head!111

I had to leave at that point, because I could tell my sharp wit was too much for the room, and I just couldn't understand these mutants' abbreviated manner of speech. Now, I've seen some bizarre and rib-tickling nicknames in my years on this earth (Million Dollar Jackass, Sebollox and "Baby Huey the Mongoloid Headed Boy" to name but three), but calling yourself HoTtStUf7377 has to take the prize. Some questions needed to be asked: why the goofy names? Can we ban internet chat? Was Devon from television's hit show, "Knight Rider", a homosexual? I still needed to find my all-important answer, and I couldn't cave in. My last stop was good old "Gay Chat". I reasoned that, as a singer, Jessica Simpson sucks balls, so I knew that anyone who literally sucks balls (i.e gay people) could explain her appeal. Surely, anyone who gets off on having a throbbing member thrust up their rectum, is lacking in taste. And anyone who lacks in taste might relate to Jessica Simpson. Faulty logic aside, I needed some answers:

Gay Chat

RockyLDennis : Hi all. What's more important? Size or looks?

You see that? That's what you call serious journalism. I knew that I'd instantly hook the gay demographic with a question like that. I was right:

jakeo12355 : hi
8dayboy10 has left the conversation.
8Just10Tx has left the conversation.

jakeo12355 : i would have to say looks
RockyLDennis : Because I'm unattractive but I'm BIG!
laken_6 : how big
DavidM1012 : hey everyone!
jakeo12355 : doyou know how to use it?
8beanboyjr has left the conversation.
jakeo12355 : hi David
8justwannaplay58 has left the conversation.
DavidM1012 : hey jake
8easternscore has left the conversation.
jakeo12355 : how are you?
RockyLDennis : Really big. I don't know. Seriously, I've only ever been with a blind person.
jakeo12355 : it depends on the person as well
8BillyJon_0 has left the conversation.
8powerball54 has left the conversation.

jakeo12355 : what one thinks is ugly some one else may find sexy
RockyLDennis : I've been told I have nice hair
RockyLDennis : I'm like a male version of Jessica Simpson
RockyLDennis : If you can picture that
8laken_6 has left the conversation.
8coolcop65 has joined the conversation.
8hairyforhairy is away.
8hairyforhairy has returned.
8coolcop65 has left the conversation.
8thongman511 has left the conversation.
8slave_randy has left the conversation.
8BiWay_0 has joined the conversation.
8KRASYYANKEE has joined the conversation.

I learned that even gay men were repulsed by that notion. That, or "Richard Simmons" had just come on TV (so to speak), and there was a scramble in pink land. Perhaps Barbra Streisand was in concert. Who knows? I have such a limited and stereotypical understanding of homosexual thinking. I'm not homophobic, I just don't like big,old dirty fruitcakes gay internet chatrooms, which explains why I was in one. This was not as bad as I had envisioned, but one mention of Jessica was enough to empty a room. It was a bad idea to broach the subject again.

Then, suddenly some dirty queer perceptive chatter approaches me from the rear (in Virtual terms)

UncloakedJoint : howbig is you r dick and balls

I was taken by his charm, grammar and bluntness. I wondered why such a charming guy was trolling in some dingy virtual world. I lied:

RockyLDennis : Very. Over 9
UncloakedJoint : mine is 10" im16
RockyLDennis : So am I
RockyLDennis : I have to wear loose pants. It's maybe too big..
RockyLDennis : But I can't get anyone to come near me
UncloakedJoint : want to trade pic and then get to gether
RockyLDennis : Where are you from and what are you into?
UncloakedJoint : fla suckind fucking

That wasn't the answer I wanted, although, credit to him, he certainly provided a lot of information in that poorly spelled response. What I learned in my brief flirtation with the internet chat underworld was that no-one really liked Jessica Simpson. I should have stayed longer, tried to find the right answers, but my patience was wearing thinner than Calista Flockhart. I had to make a sharp exit. That, or make like one of those Buddhist monks and set myself on fire. I would have chosen the latter, but I was short on matches and lighter fuel, and sizzling in my own juices, while an interesting fetish, isn't too popular around these parts.



I don't think I found any answers to my question, but then maybe the answer was staring me in the face all along. Could it be that Jessica's success is God's way of showing that even despite all disadvantages, hopeless delusion and manipulation will take you a long way? Perhaps it's that talent is no longer required? Maybe it's just showing that unattractive girls can still make a success of their lives? I don't know, but the answer is probably more disturbing and bile-inducing than listening to Jessica talk about herself. I'll leave that eternal question hanging, Dirk Diggler-style, for future philosophers to ponder:


Does Jessica Simpson have any value?

Paul
paul@whatever-dude.com
AOL IM: paulwdfans



BONUS MATERIAL: WHEN HATE MAIL ATTACKS

There's no doubt that out of everyone on the site, I get the most hate mail. Whether it be from disgruntled "Friends"' fans or someone who just happens to adore Freddie Prinze Jr, it's rare that I can escape the curse. The following shows two things.

1) I'm bad, evil and deeply jealous (it's alleged)

2) I offend people too easily, or some people are too easily offended. In my brand new feature, I'll show some examples of this mail, and let YOU be the judge! :

Regarding my Chyna article

You are one fucked up person, get a life, and stop criticizing other people to make yourself feel better. Chyna has more money then you ever thought about having, so just go live in the sewer where you belong. If you had one decent bone in your body you would have stopped your crap from the first sentence on to keep us from reading your really shitty, sucky, fucked-up, mental retardation editorial. You are obviously looking for stuff in the wrong places, maybe you need directions on how to write a good editorial, or maybe the book editorials for dummies. Whatever you get, study it well, and then try to write something that is worth reading.
CScott84@aol.com

Wow, it seems I've struck a raw nerve there. I thought everyone was in full agreement that Chyna had no redeeming qualities, but this guy goes to enormous lengths to throw out clever insults like "mental retardation" and judge me as "one fucked up person". I thought getting sex changes, preaching about being natural, then paying for a list of cosmetic changes to "enhance" their beauty would suggest "one fucked up person". If I was jealous of Chyna because of her wealth, then I'd be jealous of AIDs charities, too. OMG, she has more money than me! I'm humbled! Maybe this guy, when using such criticisms, is "looking for stuff in the wrong places", which is funny, because any guy who's been unlucky enough to share a sack with Joanie Laurer has found "stuff in the wrong places" - like fake breasts and remnants of a penis.

Another Chyna fan:

To Paul the asshole,

Its amazing how you and all of the other Internet morons think alike. Actually, reading what you had to say about the remarkable Joanie Laurer, you don't think at all. You don't think with your head at least, you think with your ass!!! I appreciate Joanie Laurer, the woman behind Chyna, what I DON'T appreciate is reading these ridiculous articles posted by losers like you that constantly bash her for no reason at all whatsoever when she has done nothing wrong to you. I wonder how old you are? You can't be very old or else I would have noticed that you have a brain. Reading what you wrote, I see no proof that you actually do have a brain!!! You're very immature, so crawl back to whatever hole you came from and leave Joanie Laurer alone!!! Go back to the grade school, you're probably got left back so many times, you can' t even finish, you FAGGOT!!!

Ron
ILOVEJOANIE247@aol.com

I suspected with the jovial introduction, this wasn't going to be among the many mails that supported my annihilation of the former "9th Wonder of the World". I think his first sentence said it all. We "morons" think the same about Joanie Laurer, because it just happens to be true. Yep, she is that ugly and annoying. I do agree that she's "remarkable" though - remarkably ugly, remrakably lacking in talent and remarkably self-absorbed. I know that's what he meant. Deep down. But you see the deep analysis he's doing here with the "you think with your ass!!!" putdown. Obviously, the three exclamation marks suggests his excitement at coming up with a devastating one-liner. I really wasn't expecting something so incisive. I may think out of my ass, but at least I don't look like an ass - unlike "remarkable" Joanie Laurer. This is a most remarkable e-mail, expecially with never-heard-before and justified insults like "loser" and asking how old I am - old enough to know Joanie Laurer is without value. Again, he uses the old three exclamation gem "I see no proof that you actually do have a brain!!!". I fear that this guy's going to be making a lot of money on the comedy circuit soon. His highly original "FAGGOT!!!" (all in caps to show that he means business) made me wonder: aren't FAGGOTS!!! attracted to men. This guy is essentially defending a man, and with his plentiful references to the anus, I'm left to wonder: Is he a FAGGOT!!! or just misguided!!!!?

NEXT UP: When Seagal's fans attack!!


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