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Part One: Magic shows demystified

posted by Jen on 12/17/01

I've got a few guilty pleasure hidden deep in the recesses of my 1980's memory. A few of them will be discussed after the New Year's in a special, presently undisclosed W-D collaboration. But one of them simply cannot wait until then. That guilty pleasure is simply out of this world…and it's about a show appropriately named Out of This World.

Let me put these flowers in water…and put your wavy hair in a scrunchi! LOL!

For those of us who remember it fondly, a blond-haired half-human, half-Anterian girl named Evie was the protagonist. Essentially, Evie's mom, of Angie fame, went to a crystal box one day and begged to become a good actress. The crystal box said, "I will grant thee just this one wish. But first, you must have intercourse with me." Evie's mom was a little confused at first, but she agreed to do it, all in the name of becoming a good actress. After a very uncomfortable ten seconds, the Anterian seed was in place. Unfortunately, the crystal never made good on his original promise.

But a child was born! And even more strange, she wasn't so bad looking…

Anterian Crystal Box


Sausage guzzler


Not so bad, considering…

During the show's 96-episode run, Evie exhibited special rare faculties, such as freezing time, "gleeping" objects into existence, and transporting her physical self to other places instantaneously. These magical abilities provided much entertainment to Evie, and much frustration to me. If one is granted such powers, one should not be squandering them by failing math tests or not attending school dances when grounded.

One should press fingers together during said tests and peep a look at neighbor's paper! One should stuff a doll underneath covers and beam oneself to school functions and dance, dance, dance!

I wish that Jen will include that Playgirl pin-up of Steve Burton in this article…

Despite Evie's sometime misuse of her talents, the show was pretty well-received; in fact, practically everyone has seen Out of This World for one reason or other. Some people were entertained by the "magic" element, the idea that they too could be endowed with such powers. About three people watched the show because they heard that Scott Baio was the director and liked to imagine him waving a clipboard in the air and shouting to Evie, "OK, now give me anger, I wanna see anger!" I bet if Joanna Kerns were directing, she'd say, "OK, now give me happy…show me that smile again!"

Please note: Jen's hilarious comments are copyright of Whatever-Dude. They may only be borrowed with her express written consent.

Maybe even a smattering of Loni Anderson fans viewed the show once in a while to get a giggle out of Burt Reynolds starring as the voice of a rock. But I had my own personal reasons:

…thy wish is granted!

You see, there was something about Evie's boyfriend Chris that just screamed masculinity to me. Steve Burton not only starred on the show…he transcended the show; if it's possible to transcend the realm of "out of this world." Steve had talents that went relatively unnoticed throughout his life…and I'm here to see that Steve gets the credit he deserves. And so now, I proudly present you with the…

Steve Burton's Seven Sexy Sins:

Sexy…because it's Steve.

Sinful…because women simply can't resist!

Sexy Sin #1: Steve possessed the strength of an ox. Long hard days in the weight room yielded him some serious definition all over his pecs and deltoids. Few people knew that he could not only bench press his weight in gold, but could also lift boulders without flinching an eye!

OK, I'll pull up this rock…you keep pulling those jean shorts up around your neck

Sexy Sin #2: Get excited, ladies...Steve is a real tiger in bed. In fact, Steve has super-human powers than enable him to break the laws of physics to satisfy his woman's needs:

You think you know magic? I got some magic in my pants for you

Interviewer: Do you believe you've sinned because you're no longer a virgin?
Steve: (Smiling) How do you know I'm not?
Interviewer: I don't know; I kind of get that feeling.
Steve: Well, I guess I have broken a few commandments.
Interviewer: What constitutes good sex and what constitutes bad sex?
Steve: Well, five times a day is good, right?

You've heard it here first, ladies. Five times a day, every day with Steve. Steve NEVER rolls over and says "I'm too tired, baby" or "I need to eat a meal today." Steve just keeps on going for hours on end. I know this…cause I had him…


Sexy Sin #3: Steve NEVER gave up on his country during tough times. He didn't just talk about his native country…he wore his flag around his bare chest.

Yeah, I know all about the Constitution…I know what constitutes good sex, if you know what I'm sayin.' (wink, wink)

Sexy Sin #4: Steve's athletic prowess is unparalleled. Few people know that Steve is actually a surfer…in fact, one of the dimples Steve has on his cheeks is actually a gash he received from his surfboard. According to one of Steve's fan-sites, Mr. Burton has been sooo busy working on different movies, he hasn't gotten as much hang time as he would like. Steve complains a lot about not being well hung.

Take a ride on my Kadowaki…and then maybe a ride on my big wang-o-waki!

Sexy Sin #5: Steve can help you remember important dates. I'm getting spring fever just thinking about it...

I warm you up in the winter…and cool you down on those hot summer nights.

"Spring fever to me is being able to go surfing and enjoy it more because the water is warmer and it doesn't freeze me to death as it does in the wintertime. I look forward to that every spring…It was the first sign of spring when the weather got better and I could leave the house and not have to shovel snow to get to my car." - Words of Wisdom from Buddha Burton

Sexy Sin #6: Mr. Burton is also an accomplished chef. His incredibly rigorous acting schedule requires him to stay buff for all his roles, so Steve mostly subsists on chicken breasts, egg whites, protein shakes, and veggies. Steve was kind enough to share a recipe with us so you men out there can one day attain his physical exterior. Eat your hearts out, lay-deeeez!!!

Click here to access the only breasts Steve Burton will share with you

Sexy Sin #7: And finally, the softer side of Stevearino:

Some excerpts from a poem he wrote for General Hospital:

He didn't play fair when mom would leave us
If I knew then
I'd swear he was Beavis.
A.J. always got into trouble but no one cares.
Except when he pushed Edward down the stairs.
Edward's toupee flew off
The sight was swell.
Nothing happened to A.J.
Because that shit was funny as Hell.

And a little bonus sexy for ya':


Now ladies, I know you're thinking, "Great, another hot guy who's all brawn and no substance." Well, have no fear, Mr. Burton's quick-witted tongue shows an incredible depth of character that can't be easily found in every wavy-haired hottie:

"A friend from high school and I shared a great two-bedroom apartment. Another friend got kicked out of his house and asked to bunk with us for a few days. He stayed six months! After thoroughly trashing the place (I wasn't totally innocent on that part!), I got my own place and the other two eventually got evicted. We still call the guy `Moochie.'"

Years later, Moochie sued Burton for pain and suffering.

As you can see, the many levels of Steve Burton truly made Out of this World worth tuning into every week. Sure, I liked the show too. I kind of liked Evie's magic tricks and the funny adventures in which she and her frizzy-haired friend engaged themselves. But nothing is quite as magical…as the image of Steve Burton pleasuring a tree! LOL!

You're mine, Moochie


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