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There Ain't No Party Like an S Club Party
posted by B on 2/22/01


Over immense periods of time the intellect produced nothing but errors. A few of these proved to be useful and helped to preserve the species: those who hit upon or inherited these had better luck in their struggle for themselves and their progeny. Such erroneous articles of faith ... include the following: that there are things, substances, bodies; that a thing is what it appears to be; that our will is free; that what is good for me is also good in itself.

German philosopher Nietzsche (famous for his proclamation that "God is dead") speaks vividly and candidly on the evolution of humanity as a species. We have arranged for ourselves a world in which we can live - by positing bodies, lines, planes, causes and effects, motion and rest, form and content; without these articles of faith nobody could now endure life. But that does not prove them. Life is no argument. The conditions of life might include error.

Never before has the error of life been more evident than in the already lamented situation comedies of cable television, or in the incessant ramblings of popular music.

And nothing proves that God is dead more than the greatest show in the history of mankind, an unholy amalgamation of everything that is wrong and scary about the world and it's youth.

Somehow...it's magnificent.

Fox Family presents S Club 7, a show about seven unnecessarily foppy British young people making a living by doing odd jobs across America, all the while delighting onlookers with pop music so contrived that Britney Spears would be motivated to write a mission statement on the evils of it. I blame it on the Spice Girls, who not ONLY have betrothed the United Kingdom with a stereotype of wackiness but have given birth to an entire generation of "Spice People." Kids so young and happy that they can't help but share it with the rest of us.

You really can't understand how many levels this show works on until you've breathed it all in. It's like a bizarrely imported drug, some sort of leaf underbelly from deepest darkest Africa, an intoxication that must be ingested slowly, over weeks or even months, before it kicks in and sends you flying. I've been watching the show for weeks now, and I'm just beginning to notice the Godless intricacies lacing the progression of events.

They're just supposed to be a pop group, right? A happy pop group acting like the Monkees, correct? Not even close. One of them can telepathically swap relationship advice with a dolphin. Somehow they have a car that can travel through time. It's IMPOSSIBLE to hate these people, no matter how bad you're trying to. Imagine, if only for a moment, that *Nsync somehow stumbled into a John Waters movie.

First, there's the most obvious Spice Person, "Hannah," who appears to be some kind of Chibi Baby Spice. If Baby Spice sat in the sauna too long (and could stop fucking soccer players for five seconds) you'd get Hannah, who's favorite animal cause is "protecting the monk seal." I don't have any idea what a monk seal is, or why S Club 7 crams their favorite animal cause down your throat. Hannah is the "energetic" one, who makes out with whatever cute guy wanders into the episode and then feels REALLY REALLY BAD about abandoning her love for a minute or so.


"Bradley" answers the question "what would happen if Carlton from Fresh Prince was born in England," but raises the question of "what is a black guy doing in a British pop group full of girls." Either he's trying to/has banged all of them, or he's just riding the wave of success until he can branch off on his own and begin rapping about how he wants to kill a bunch of white people. His role on the show is to fulfill the racial quota, and set back relations about 20 years by essentially being an idiot with a hard-on all the time.


"Rachel" is the one you always see in half-assed men's magazines like "Maxim" or "FHM," between articles about boxing and how to make your penis bigger. She's "Posh S Club 7," I guess, because she CANNOT be on screen for more than 30 seconds without someone commenting about how beautiful she is. She is a fan of "George Michael" and "fish and chips" and "bums" and other U.K. buzzwords. She wants to "save the Siberian Tiger," which I would imagine she plans to do using her breasts. She has an oral fetish, always chewing gum or biting her lip. So she's my favorite S Club 7.


"Paul" is 23 years old and despite his supposed innocent nature he has had his fair share of run-ins with the law! He has been arrested for being drunk, vandalism, speeding, carrying too many passengers in his car, and the rape and murder of men and women across Europe just to name a few. What a naughty boy!!!! Heh Heh!!!!!!!!!!********* =oP ROFLMAO!!!!!!!111111 He is also a skinhead, and tries to kill the black guy in every episode. I'm just kidding, but that would be pretty fucked up.


"Jo" is another favorite of mine in S Club 7, because she has breasts. Her distinguishing feature is that her body is covered in ink. She has barbed wire around her arm, a dolphin on her tummy, a flower on her ankle, a star and crescent on her foot, a butterfly on her ass, and a great big swastika across her back, colored red to represent the blood of the innocents. She's the one who stands in the backgrounds and scowls while the others do wacky things, like bungee jump, or play volleyball, or sing in the snow.


"Billy" is the Blue Ranger, and uses his big brain to combat Rita and the Putties. There are too many members in S Club 7.


"Tina" is here because there were not already enough members in S Club 7, and calling them S Club 6 would just be downright shitty. I guess the "S" stands for Seven, so Seven Club Seven would look REALLY amateur. Even great spirits have only their five fingers breadth of experience - just beyond it their thinking ceases and their endless empty space and stupidity begins. It just begins kinda early here. So go with the flow.



Anyway, since it takes a week seminar to mention every member of the group, the shows are usually over right after the theme song. Another crazy thing about the show is that nobody but me and some 11 year old girls watch the show, and nobody buys the records...but somehow they're merchandised all to hell.

There are S Club 7 dolls, coloring books, interactive games, and they even have a vehicle.

What is the truth behind these people? Why do they exist?

What then IS truth? A mobile army of metaphors, metonyms, and anthropomorphism -- in short, a sum of human relations, which have been enhanced, transposed, and embellished poetically and rhetorically, and which after long use seem firm, canonical, and obligatory to a people: truths are illusions about which one has forgotten that is what they are; metaphors which are worn out and without sensuous power; coins which have lost their pictures and now matter only as metal, no longer as coins.

We still do not know where the urge for truth comes from; for as yet we have heard only of the obligation imposed by society that it should exist: to be truthful means using the customary metaphors - in moral terms, the obligation to lie according to fixed convention, to lie herd-like in a style obligatory for all.

Or, in the words of S Club 7 themselves:

Donít stop never give up
Hold your head high and reach the top
Let the world see what you have got
Bring it all back to you
Dream of falling in love
Anything youíve been thinking of
When the world seems to get too tough
Bring it all back to you (na na na)

There ain't no party like an S Club party. You'd better fucking believe it.

B
swan@whatever-dude.com