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On your knees, bitch!

posted by Jen on 1/14/02

Slutty women are an interesting breed. Girls can't decide if they should love them, for raising the bar on what's acceptable and what's not, or if we should hate them, for taking all of our respectable guys away from us. Guys say they love them, but in many cases, they wouldn't be caught dead bringing them home to mom and dad. Defining slutty behavior is an even more difficult practice. Some people declare sluts as the girls who go home with a different guy every night, and can't stay faithful to anyone for longer than a few hours. Others think sluts are simply the girls who kiss on the first date and dip their hands into your popcorn basket.

In my opinion, slutty behavior is scarcely about how physically intimate you get with someone and how quickly you're willing to "do it." To me, the sluttiest of slutcakes earns her reputation in the way she carries herself, the way she casually rests her eyes on her boss's crotch as he's discussing her next raise, the way she purposely sucks on her finger and talks about how she "loves to put things in her mouth," runs her hand down her neck with an ice cube, or drops double entendre into her conversation like Winona drops merchandise into her pocketbook. I neither adore nor despise the slutty slutcake; instead, I am somewhat in awe of this female. Whether or not she is attractive, she seems to command the watchful eye of every male in the room while simultaneously encouraging every girl to hastily grab her boyfriends' arms to claim him as her own. Loved or hated, the slutcake deserves to be recognized for her accomplishments. And since I am W-D's one and only slutcake, I thought I would take the time to highlight some of the most renowned and raunchiest of our time.


Also: The slutcake juggernaut
The movie: Grease
The year: 1978
Going in for the kill: "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee…lousy with virginity. Won't go to bed 'til I'm legally wed…(making fun of the new chaste girl in town)"
The tactic: Since Rizzo basically pioneered slut-dom in Hollywood (although some will argue that Lauren Bacall's famous line, "You know how to whistle don't you…just put your lips together and blow" was the first sexually suggestive line allowed in a movie), her skill set was slightly lacking. Rizzo made two fatal mistakes: She was indiscreet about sleeping with a team of greasers, and she made fun of the hot, new girl. First of all, you never brag about sleeping with the grease when you're at a party, even if it's just in front of the girls. And second of all, you never, ever, under any circumstances poke fun at the mysterious, virginal new girl if you want guys to like you. Hot friends equal hotter self. I know this, because I live it.
The result: Rizzo was passed over for the hot girl, and ultimately suffered from low self-esteem. She would later star as Martin Sheen's wife on The West Wing.

Lacey Underall

"I was born to lick your face…but you were born to lick Danny Noonan's ENORMOUS body parts."
Also: The sneaky slutcake
The movie: Caddyshack
The year: 1980

Lacey Underall conquest, #2, an unknown soldier

Going in for the kill: Lacey: "And this is your saliva line."
Danny: "What's it tell?"
Lacey: "How hot I can get you…come on." (leads Danny to her grandpa's bedroom)

The tactic: Reeling guys in with very, very clever pick-up lines. My personal favorite being, "I bet you got a lot of nice ties…would you like to tie me up in one of your ties, Ty?" Unlike Rizzo, Lacey was obviously attractive, and she knew exactly how to work it. She would glance at the guy just long enough to get his attention, but not long enough to make it look like she had any vested interest. She would stand braless in tight white shirts for a few seconds in front of her audience, than walk demurely to her next location, never standing long enough to strike up conversation.

Lacey Underall conquests #'s 3 and 4, Danny Noonan and Tony D' Annunzio

In fact, before their sexual encounter, Lacey never actually talked to Danny except to sashay by him making enticing comments like "Nice try" and "Go for it!" Then when they finally got down and dirty, she left him nudie trying to explain himself to her grandparents while she made a quick escape. Lacey never displayed any real interest in any of her conquests; in fact, she mostly used the guys for backrubs, nose candy, and sex.

The result: Lacey gained lots of backrubs, a little nose candy, and plenty of sex. Self-esteem remained in tact, because she never got emotionally involved.

(Sarah Michelle Gellar's role)

I could go for a Scooby snack right now…in the name of Freddie Prinze Junior's ENORMOUS body parts!

Appropriate nickname: The slayer slutcake
The year: 1999
The movie: Cruel Intentions
The tactic: Hooking up with girls and guys alike in order to get her way. Rubbing her foot over Sebastian's crotch in the most extraordinary looking foot job I've ever witnessed. Making the most self-aggrandizing gamble with her "brother" Sebastian with the stakes being a Jaguar and sex. Someday I hope to have the self-confidence to make a wager like the one she makes; "Hey…if you lose the bet, I get your Jaguar. And if you win…(points downward to sexy, slinky self) you get to have sex with ME!" Right at this point, Sebastian should have just ended it all.

Unfortunately, Kathryn made the fatal Rizzo mistake of being nasty to the virginal new girl…and this ultimately caused her denouement, er, undoing.

The result: Kathryn got royally fucked…which in some sense, is what she always wanted. Ohhhhh! How original.

Darcy Sears

Also: Sticky, Sugary Slutcake

How about a little cherry pie for my favorite Warrant look-a-like?

The movie: Varsity Blues
The year: 1999
The tactic: Because it would require too much sexual frustration to wait a few hours to see her boyfriend, Darcy dons the old whipped cream bikini for her boyfriend's best friend.

Result: How Dawson (name?) managed to snub her advances stumps even the wisest of scholars today. If some girl went to the trouble to paint one on for my boyfriend, I'd almost have to applaud her effort and tell him to go for it. Instead, Dawson puts covers around her and makes her cry. Sense? Zero.

Phoebe Buffay

Also: Stupid Slutcake

I'll be there for you…until you move to Minsk

The TV show: Friends
The year: Current
The tactic: Puts on the "dumb blonde" act to fool people into thinking she's not slutty. But honestly, this is a girl whose "true love" is a scientist living in Minsk, whose other "true love" is the cop who got electrocuted by a shark in Deep Blue Sea, and whose hundreds of other true loves have impregnated her, kissed her in a copy room, and bought her apothecary table at Pottery Barn. Now the cop is together with her only because he was going to arrest her for impersonating a police officer…but then he was just so bowled over by her beauty that he had to start dating her. What a coincidence.

Result: Phoebe plays the dumb card incredibly well, to the point where she gets away with talking behind her friends' backs, cheating on her boyfriends, and saying whatever bit of meanness pops into her head, just because she's "just too dumb to know better." I'm not gonna lie, I actually do enjoy the show. But Phoebe…honestly…I get stomachaches.

And there you have a rundown of some of the more distinct of the slutty slutcakes of our time. I've avoided graphic description, sexually explicit language and overuse of the dot, dot, dot function as much as possible…but I do enjoy the dot, dot, dot…As you can see, some of the featured sluts are to be revered, even copied in some emergency situations. Some of the slutcake tactics are to be avoided at all costs, even if some ho is hittin' on your man. The important thing to remember is that slutcakes are people, like you and me. They just happen to get a little more ass than the rest of us. ;)


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