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Drug Movie: Muppets From Space

posted by Chad on 1/21/02

I usually take pride in writing drawn out introductions, but I’m appealing to a new audience, so let’s keep things short and sweet, shall we? I’m Chad. I’m the new writer on W-D. I’m the guy from BigMeats – and yes, BigMeats will still continue to exist, prosper, and use a ridiculous looking cow as its front page graphic. The Whatever-Dude crew asked me to join recently – and it’s the greatest compliment I’ve received as a writer. BigMeats began not only from my drug-fueled hallucinations and EVERLASTINING WITT AND HUOMOR, but was also greatly inspired by sites like Whatever-Dude - hell, I stole the “!!11” straight from them. Let this be a lesson to each and every one of you that want something out of life. You don’t have to be original, or even that good – you just have to nag Dave a lot. Send him a bunch of emails asking stupid trite questions – eventually, he’ll ask you to come aboard the site just to shut you up. So go ahead, write Dave a letter now, and tell him your dreams, fears, favorite five wrestlers of all time, least favorite house plant, and most importantly, that Chad told you to do it – that way, he can curse thank me later.

For the few of you that read BigMeats, you’ll know me as “fouff.” Dave (excuse me for mentioning his name so much, but it’s a clever psychological ploy of mine to have you associate me with current staff, hence having you like me sooner)… anywho, Dave said “fouff” wasn’t a good name for the site, as everybody else uses their real names. Either that, or something about “fouff” being gay – like “Chad” is any better, ya million dollar jackass.

Ah, slightly obscure references: I think I’m going to like it here. Today, in an attempt to show-off (and be lazy), I’m going to recycle one of my favorite BigMeats posts, just to show you what I can do when the moon is in the right hemisphere and I have an unlimited amount of alcohol on hand. I hope you enjoy this article as much as I do; otherwise, I hope your family catches cancer soon.

Allow me to set up this article for you – yes, that means an introduction after the introduction you just finished reading before the introduction found in the actual content. Sorry for that last sentence – using the word “introduction” three times didn’t come off as clever as hoped. Now, there are four genres I feel comfortable writing about. 1) Personal stories. However, from the numerous car adventures to the ***SUPER SECRET COLLABORATION COMING SOON*** posts that have already appeared on W-D, you already know too much about me. 2) Infomercials. One day, the rest of our society will wake up and realize that late-night infomercials are the greatest source for dry humor available. 3) Big. Fake. Animal Statues. Don’t ask me to explain this, but fear not: I’ll keep this obsession to my own site. 4) Drug Movies. If there is one thing I like doing, it’s smoking a bowl and sitting on my ass watching strange movies. This here is one of my finest drug movie posts, “Muppets From Space,” reproduced in it’s entirety just for you.

This is my second attempt at this post: my first one was deleted by a drunken idiot - me. I’m funny that way. While some of my greatest creative works are formed through the magic of intoxication, I rarely see the fruits of my inebriation. I can string many beautiful sentences with the aid of alcohol, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out how to save my file. Ah… the true pain of an alcoholic.

That’s right kiddies, I’m drunk. I slept in, missed my bus, got pissed drunk, and began writing this review. Then the same thing happened yesterday. Today, I waited until two before awaking, and now I’m trying to finish what I earlier began: my review of perhaps the most outlandish Muppet movie to date. You could consider this recent relaxation in schedule a failing of my New Years resolution, but to be honest with you, I don’t see spending the day enjoying alcohol and writing as a failure. Oh no, this is bliss as it’s meant to be. If you disagree, then you’re probably going to heaven when you die: it’s the place for those that waste their time here on earth (I’m pretty sure I stole that line from Fitzgerald – but don’t worry, I finished the book so I won’t bore you with anymore of his literary references).

At any rate, today’s drug movie is “Muppets from Space,” and I speak for all of us when I say it’s about damn time. I know you and every other muthafucka out there love all of Jim Henson’s creations, but we’ve had quite enough of Elmo and his wide variety of talking toys. We all fell in love with the Muppet’s because of Gonzo: and today, Gonzo will get his due.

The premise of the movie is simple: Kermit is a frog, Fozzie is a bear, Miss Piggy is a (duh) pig, but what the hell is Gonzo? Muppets from Space documents Gonzo’s search for self-discovery… but it’s not done in familiar Muppet ways. The movie was made in 1999, and with Jim Henson dead, things are being done a bit differently at Henson studios. This movie embodies more Muppet magic than ever: a lot of the sappiness has been dropped and replaced by absolute craziness. It’s a Muppet/frat-boy party, and we’re all invited (to watch, anyways). For example, the soundtrack isn’t happy-go-lucky Muppet songs, but rather straight out 70’s funk. Hell, it’s even subtitled “The Ultimate Muppet Trip” – don’t think that’s going to go unnoticed by a drug/children’s movie advocate such as myself. With the music of James Brown, George Clinton, The Commodores, and other great groovy musicians, it’s truly the soul to all blues, the beat to all dance, and the mojo that makes me want to shake my ass. To date, the Muppet’s have always been curious, sweet, and fun: today, they’re gettin’ down and funky!

The movie begins with a morning at the Muppet house. Amidst the complete chaos and madness running rampant through the residence, Gonzo tells Kermit about his feelings of loneliness and solitude. What type of species is Gonzo? Is he the only one? While Kermit doesn’t have any immediate answers to these very deep and depressing questions, Gonzo’s breakfast cereal speaks up. No, I’m not kidding – the letters of his Alphabet’s rearrange themselves to speak in a manner familiar to IM chats – “R U THERE?” The cereal goes on to tell Gonzo to watch the sky, so Gonzo spends the rest of the day and evening on the roof of the house. Of course, Gonzo is the only one who sees the cereal messages, so the rest of the Muppets think Gonzo’s going goofy – but hey, we all sacrifice a little in our search for self discovery.

However, Gonzo suffers a bit more than most of us: he’s struck by a bolt of lightening. Let that be a lesson to all of you. If your day revolves around the hidden messages from your breakfast, then you’re probably not going to have a wonderful day. Lord knows that the three hotdogs and can of beer I consumed first thing this morning are giving me a slight twinkling sensation that could be described as “nauseating.” Damn that Louisiana Hot Sauce. At any rate, the case of taps that I’ll be enduring later on won’t be nearly as magical as Gonzo’s breakfast punishment – the blast of lightening transported him into space… floating with and talking to the cosmic knowledge fish. No shit. Now I’ve been fried before, but the hallucinations have never been as glorious as this. These fish tell Gonzo to let the aliens – yes, the aliens – know where he is by making a sign they can clearly see from space.

Plot summary alone justifies Muppets from Space as a Drug Movie.

Gonzo gets right on the job, and mows “I AM HERE” into the front lawn. However, Gonzo isn’t one to sit back and wait for the alien’s to show up – he does his best to contact them. To do such, he enlists the help of Beaker and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, everybody’s favorite mad scientists. Well, perhaps not everybody’s, but certainly mine. How can you not love Muppets that deal in the magic of chemicals? For Christ sakes, Beaker is blowing smoke out of his ears – even the most cynical of men must bow to that magnificent feat.

So wrapped in tinfoil under the recommendation of Dr. Bunsen, Gonzo’s body is juiced up with electricity in attempt to hear messages from space. What he actually hears is the TV signal from upstairs - a news program saying “all alien information should be brought to the news station.” So Gonzo leaves the house, riding his lawnmower to the news station wearing a tinfoil suit. When I move into a house and get a riding mower, I intend to drive down the street in a tinfoil suit to the news station. I won’t have to post about it though; you’ll see it on the 6 o’clock news.

Gonzo jumps on the air – which just happens to be Miss Piggy’s first day at the news station – and tells the world what I’ve basically just told you. Cosmic fish, messages from his cereal; the whole sob story is blurted out. After his segment airs, the news manager Rob Schnieder (one of the many cameo appearances in this movie) tells Gonzo he’s a hit – the phones are lighting up! Guess there’s a lot of freaks out there – I thought stuff like this landed you in the loonie-bin. However, it’s not only freaks watching…

Well, I guess the term “freak” would cover these two characters as well. The man, Ed, is the head of national alien affairs or something – I don’t know his exact job title, but he’s pretty damn interested in Gonzo. Finally he’s found an alien! The bear, of course, is his assistant – I’d like to step aside for one moment and make a comment on Hollywood. I know it’s been said before, but I think it needs to be said again and again until this type of action stops. How come bears are always subjected to bit roles in minority positions? How come you never see a bear in power? Hollywood is racist, Hollywood is prejudice, Hollywood is doing its best to keep the common bear down. I would have turned this movie right off and thrown it off the patio, but admittedly, a bear with… WTF CUM ON HIS PAW is enough for me to put my principles aside and admit, “damn dat bear be funniez.”

At any rate, Ed sends his goons to the TV station in attempt to nab Gonzo. I hope not all government work is done in response to cheap news-hour stories, as I really don’t want to see anything happen to Batboy. Anyway, the thugs pose as representatives of Society Against the Cruelty to Aliens, and Gonzo and his pal Rizzo the Rat buy it and head with them. Well, Rizzo doesn’t believe it, but he’s a lot like me: putting personal opinion aside to secure a limo ride and some free food.

Kermy and the rest of the Muppet crew quickly realize that Gonzo isn’t going to a happy place, so Miss. Piggy kicks the living shit out of duck-ass-for-a-haircut man, and gets the real low down: Gonzo’s being taken to a mysterious government agency headquarters for “questioning and examination,” which really means Gonzo’s going to have his fingernails pulled off and force fed to him if he doesn’t happen to be the all-knowing God of aliens everywhere.

Gonzo’s meeting with Ed was going pretty well, until Rizzo makes a joke about how poorly Gonzo smells. All of a sudden, Ed adapts a case of tourette’s syndrome and begins screaming and yelling, which confuses and scares the hell right out of Gonzo, Rizzo, and quite frankly, myself. Ed isn’t intimidating in the “I’ll beat your ass black-and-blue” way, but rather takes more from the “I’ll shit on your chest and scratch my nails on the chalkboard” school of thought.

And speaking of strange techniques, Hollywood Hulk Hogan is called in to dispose of Rizzo – which consists of Hogan picking up Rizzo, running off a bunch of his stupid wrestling lines, and flushing the rat down a tube into the laboratory. The best part of Hogan showing up wasn’t the barrage of corny lines, but rather having Ed tell him to shut up and kicking the Hulkster out of the room. Despite Hogan having tons of Hulkamaniacs, he’s definitely the boss’s bitch.

Back at the Muppet house, the crew is doing their best to form a plan of attack down in Dr. Bunsen’s meth lab… with the exception of Miss Piggy – she’s busy looking like a prostitute. Dr. Bunsen brings out three James Bondish toys to aid them in their quest, with the weapons having magical Muppet twists, of course. The first one is a rubber ducky that sprays invisibility mist upon squeezing. On a completely unrelated side-note, there are more duckies in my bathroom than I care to count; and despite what Ernie says, they don’t make bath time so much fun. The second strange item that will be taken along is “door in a jar” – you throw the slime on the wall, and a door appears. Not much I can say there, except WHAT THE FUCK? The final bizarre piece is the date-rape spray: when sprayed by the fumes, the recipient will instantly do anything you want them too… like make you breakfast the next day.

Back at the evil HQ, Rizzo and the rest of the lab rats have to endure David Arquette’s bad acting, while Gonzo talks with his alien buddies through a sandwich. The scene with David Arquette lasts over five minutes… but I’m going to go easy on you and not speak another word about him. You’re welcome.

Using the mind-control spray on the front guard and the invisibility mist to maneuver the hallways, the Muppets make it to the bathroom so Fozzie can relieve himself. However, all of those good manners Fozzie adheres to backfire, as he washes the invisibility spray from his hands after draining his pee-bag. Sorry, but he’s a Muppet, and saying “taking a piss” in that context just ain’t right.

Fozzie’s visible paws catch the attention of security guard Kathy Griffin, which raises a very important question: WHY ARE ALL THE CAMEO ACTORS PEOPLE I HATE?!?!! However, there is a bit of justice in this world, as Kathy Griffin ends up making out with Animal before the film ends. That’s right, you read it on BigMeats first folks: Kathy Griffin is turned on by Animal – she’s into bestiality OMG!1

As Animal chases Kathy Griffin into the love shack, the rest of the Muppet’s also become visible – so they stop dicking around (although that is a mighty nice ballet outfit), rescue Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat, and head to the location Gonzo and the sandwich earlier agreed on, Cape Dune.

So while waiting for the alien’s to arrive, a couple of Muppets begin hitting on Katie Holmes. I’ve already complained about the low quality cameos, but I must admit: that finger puppet Muppet made men everywhere jealous when he started rubbing Katie’s breast.

Just when it’s starting to look like the whole alien thing was a load of shit, a flying egg appears and lands on the beach. That’s right, a flying egg. No, this isn’t The Cell. The egg lands and shoots off a laser beam, which guides the actual alien ship to the destination. The egg must have simply been for “WTF” factor. Admittedly, the space ship landing looked just as awesome as anything Lucas has done. It’s funny though: people complain of Lucas selling out the franchise with Episode 1, which is baffling to me. Unless you’ve been dead under a rock, Lucas put Star Wars on everything imaginable back in the 80’s: bedsheets, action figures, breakfast cereals, candles, cookware, gargoyles, pencil cases, calendars, toothbrushes... the list is endless. If it has a surface, Star Wars has been on it. Lucas sold out the movie franchise alright, but he did it over twenty years ago: get over it.

Wow, I sidetracked there more than usual. Back on the movie, the aliens arrive, and they look exactly like Gonzo! They sing and dance for Gonzo, getting the party rocking with music that, quite frankly, pales in comparison to the beat-breaking funk from the rest of the movie. No matter though: Gonzo is happy to know that he’s not alone in the universe, and celebrates by shooting himself out of a cannon. God I love the Muppets. However, Gonzo decides to stay on Earth rather than return with the aliens: while they may be his brothers, the rest of the Muppets are truly his family, and he simply can’t leave them. A truly touching ending and a damn good one at that: I think my Muppet love would depreciate greatly if Gonzo was written out of future scripts.

Luckily for us all, Gonzo is sticking around. Hopefully this post does too – for as much as I love the Muppets, I don’t want to write this up for a third time. I’m sure this movie has many moral’s about acceptance and self-discovery, but I honestly missed them all: I was too busy getting down with my bad self to the funk music. I only learned two things by watching this movie: Gonzo is from outer space, and hotdogs, delicious as they may be, do not make a healthy breakfast.

More Muppet Mania: Labyrinth | The Swedish Chef | Muppet Movie | Mahnamahna

-Chad 'because "fouff" is too fagolicious for Whatever-Dude'

By the way, not everything I post here will be recycled work – just today, just because I love you.

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