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Sex and the City: The Suck to The Soprano's Yang

posted by Matthew on 1/22/02

Hello, WD readers, my name is Matthew, and, for those of you who remember, I am SO not Matthew Randazzo, ie Randazzo. Granted, I have the same name, posting style, and bulbous Sicilian nose, but it would be controversial to hire HIM :).

For those of you who didn't get that reference, hi, I'm Matthew, I'm a 17-year-old writer who's known Paul and Dave for over two years, and I'm one of the new writers at W-D. I used to write with Paul at numerous other sites, and we were the source of a great deal of mayhem. I also write at my own website,, which has political columns, music reviews and the like, and I'm the head Japanese Pro Wrestling/Martial Arts columnist at I'm basically a really arrogant twat with a lot of hostility and girlish blue eyes. Of course, anything I write is meant in good fun, and I don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings. Let's be honest, when I'm famous, all you dumbasses can talk as much shit as you want. Until then, it's my right to be an asshole for your entertainment. So, without further ado...

Guess which one of us is supposed to be funny?!?!!!1

My God. You know, I try to be civil when it comes to HBO: they've given me a lot over the years. Only on HBO can I see The Sopranos, a show which reminds me why us Sicilians were kicked out of the rest of Italy, or the 1600-part "Real Sex" series, which touched on such serious topics as "Poonany Poetry" and people who like to shove cakes up their asses. This is not even to mention the Shock Video specials, which surely are every American's bastion of good television when they're in the mood for watching Japanese men fight off the power of enemas.

So, like the rest of you, I try to give HBO the benefit of the doubt. However, over the years, HBO has really begun to test my patience. Arli$$, a show about what happens when the frontman of Styx runs a sports agency, almost made me give up the channel cold turkey. I cannot explain to you the huckster-ish, yuppie-conceited, vile mockery of a comedy this abortion is if you haven't seen it. Nothing on the show is even in the ballpark of realistic, and, on top of that, everything is accompianed by this Timothy Leary-meets-polka muzak in the background, like Drew Carrey doing techno music at 5/8 speed. However, I was able to stand Arli$$, mostly because HBO seemed content to let it wallow without promotion. Then came...

A show for every single, shallow, empty-headed, insecure, chattering bird woman in a metropolitan area, a "comedy" that approaches Hamlet-level tragedy on every level. Before I get on to the four characters and why I hate each of them, I have a story to share...

I was introduced to this show by a teacher at my school...granted, this is not ANY teacher. Ok, you know those people who don't just smile, but REALLY FUCKING SMILE, to the point that they look like maniacal cannibals? Ok, she was one of them...only that's not all. You ever know those women who are markedly not attractive and think they are just red HOT and strut around and act like Sharon Stone nonetheless? Ok, she was one of them, too.

Well, so this big-smiling, not-sexy-yet-slutty-to-the-point-that-YOU-feel-feel-dirty-from-knowing-her teacher would go on every day about how great Sex and The City was. This, on one side, was good, because it meant that I could derail class at any point with the proper reference. On the other hand, she would get WAY too into it, describing how they discussed dildo technique and her personal opinions on the validy of their dildo recommendations, like a Consumer Reports for sex toy strategem. Naturally, disturbed yet intrigued, I had to check out the show. Well, that's the last time I listen to a pervy teacher...oh, if only that was true...

I bet you can't guess which one is supposed to be sexy! No, not the short one silly!!!11

Any successful TV show...wait, fuck that, any artistically successful show needs to have credibility. For example, I can believe James Gandolfini as a mobster, I can believe Carol O'Connor as a bigot, and I can believe Jerry Seinfeld as a Jewish comedian. However, I REFUSE to accept Sarahca Jerssica Parker as the heart-stopping beauty with impeccable fashion sense. Beautiful people can be made into believable ugly or normal people; unattractive people, except for Julia Roberts, simply cannot pull off the heart-stopping beauty, especially when they're supposed to be fashion mavens on top of it. That damn girl has a bigger nose than me and black roots larger than an oak tree...ok, please. It's just not working, especially when the show makes a point to tell us how hot she is every five minutes. It isn't because she is a producer, is it?

Besides, if Sarahca Jessica hadn't proven to be equally vacuous as her character via her Fawcett-level-loaded TV appearances and unbelievably unbearable award show hosting appearances, I would feel guilty for calling bullshit on her sexy-image. But, let's be honest, this woman and her abominable show is so conceited that it does not matter. Parker's "Carrie" is the most smug, clueless, hopelessly annoying and self-pitying character in TV history, a fully nuclear distillation of everything to be hated about upper class, middle-aged single women. And don't get me started when she wears a fucking belt OVER HER STOMACH UNATTACHED TO ANY CLOTHING. If I walked around with a condom on my finger, people wouldn't say I'm fashionable.

File under old

The Samantha character is more one-dimensional than Jim Mora's playoff record, and that dimension (in both) is suck. In the case of Cattrall, that means both "suck" as in "sucking dick" but also "suck" as in "sucking dick"...ok, both meanings of the phrase. Every joke involving Samantha can be translated thusly, "I'm a slut! Aren't I outrageous?" Sorry, HBO, this is the same guy who's seen the Strokes' Is This It called the "album that will change rock;" it will take more than an old skank to shock my sensibilities.

I think Annie Lennox dresses too feminine for me

Kristin Davis' Charlotte character is similarly one-dimensional; she basically exists to say that she's sick of the other three, especially Samantha, talking about cock. To give you an idea about how crappy this show is, name one other character in the HISTORY of humanity whose sole purpose in existing is to be repulsed by cock talk?

The rare red-headed velociraptor

The Cynthia Nixon character, Miranda, is probably the least defined character, and therefore the least shitty. While the other characters are so one-sided that it becomes impossible to not know exactly what the fuck they will say every time they open their wrinkly traps, at least with Miranda she might have an unpredictable response. In other words, she actually acts like a human instead of some vacant yuppie stereotype. Of course, like all the other characters, she's about as funny as a lava enema.

And that's basically the main problem with Sex and the City: it's an entirely unfunny show. Everyone is too busy playing a stereotype or whoring shamelessly to their lonely, trifling demographic to do anything funny. In fact, the show is basically a narcotic for lonely, simple-minded, desperate middle-aged women who turn to the show for a drop of hope and reaffirmation of their essentially worthless existences. At least, that's what it seems like to me!!!!!!1

Alright, hope you enjoyed that; I'm pretty rusty, but I'll get better. As a reward for making it all the way through, let me guide you to a page of many wonders!!!

Page of Many Wonders!

Ok, it's just the page where I'm selling a ton of stuff on Ebay to raise money for my trip to England and Japan. Either way, check it out, as I'm selling everything from guitars and guitar equipment to political books to wrestling tapes to martial arts stuff. Buy stuff so that I can be slashed by Scottish punters and sexed up by Yankeephile Japanese girls.


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