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Demystifying the Magic Part Two:

posted by Jen on 2/12/02

I love writing at this site. Really, I do. I love getting e-mails that say that I couldn't write myself out of a wet douche. (Comedy is all around us.) I also enjoy logging onto our forums and learning that I REALLY SUCK and am SO unoriginal!!!11 cause the ones after the exclamations never get old!!11 That's all a good deal of fun. The problem I have with the site is all the negative attention we give to the media. I mean, come on Paul, is Chris Klein really all that bad? And Matthew, you don't think old woman sex jokes are funny? Haven't you ever seen The Golden Girls?

wrinkly penis = comedy

I guess I wondered why this site spends so much time ripping on entertainers, when we could save ourselves the anxiety by just ignoring the offensive medium. If you don't like it, turn it off, right?

Unfortunately, nay. You see, Sabrina the Teenage Witch falls into the category of shows-I-simply-cannot-avoid-no-matter-how-hard-I-try-while-simultaneously-using-as-many-dashes-in-between-words-as-possible, right up there with Chris-Klein-and-Kim-Cattrall. You see, the reruns are on at 6PM every night. I go to the gym and hop on the treadmill at about 6 just about every night. (I swear I didn't just write that sentence to establish myself as the body electric or something. You should see all the big'uns at my gym.) Channel 11 is permanently transfixed on all of the monitors in New York Sports Club. And Sabrina fills in that time slot. If only I were talking about that failed Harrison Ford movie. No, it's Sabrina the Teenage Witch; even worse, it's Sabrina the Teenage Witch not the cartoon version. Damn, if I could just get there an hour earlier, Seventh Heaven would seem like 24 in comparison.

Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night Michael!!

The reason I'm wasting words on this show is tetra-fold. There are six characters past and present who make the show about as miserable as No Doubt's new CD. Hey baby, hey baby, hey! Whenever these characters grace the screen with their presence, vomitous urges threaten. And I'm left wondering…would it be better to skip the gym and get fat or actually withstand this pain? The jury is out…

Damn, now I've got to come up with six reasons I don't like the show just so I can keep the word "tetra-fold" in here. Hmm…

1. Salem

I talk. Isn't that hilarious?

OK, I get the joke. It's a talking cat…but with an ATTITUDE! I guess that means he's got CAT-TI-TUDE! As awful as that joke sounds, I think it's said at least once per episode. The odium would be less pronounced if all Salem did was lounge around the Spellman household eating their food/sleeping/muttering "Aunt Hilda! I'm hungreee!" every eleven seconds. But Salem is no ordinary cat…he's cat-a-strophic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come on feel it.


He's an evil little puss who thwarts all of Sabrina's chances for affection by saying things like "Sabrina, did you tell Harvey about your mega-gas problem last night? Oh ho ho, I'm cracking up!" He has no societal value whatsoever and he couldn't claw himself out of a wet douche.

(Thanks for the joke, Anonymous! You ROCK around the clock, dude!)

2. Libby

Your dating days…are over and done.

Like every teenage antagonist, Libby runs against Sabrina for class president, wears the same outfit to school as her, vies for the affections of Harvey, Sabrina's part-time lover, desperately tries to steal Brian Austin Green (or as Dave says, the Notorious B.A.G.) from her at the school dance...the weary, bitchy plots you see in every SBTB predecessor. But when the disgust turned to all-out abhorrence for me was just a few weeks ago. I should have known to simply get off the treadmill as soon as I heard Sabrina utter the seven filthy foreshadowing words:

"I got tickets to the Violent Femmes!!!"

I thought, nah…there not gonna make the Violent Femmes do anything to embarrass themselves.

I should have just gotten on the bike or something. Screw the workout, I should have just gone home and shoved a large bacon pizza down my face. It probably would have been better for my health than witnessing this episode.

But foolish me, I should have guessed, after seeing Raquel Welch and Martin Mull as guest stars, that this show likes to take well-respected entertainers and put a blotch on their resume. Part of me hoped we'd listen to some songs and the show would be over…

No such luck. Libby buys a magic book and decides to cast a spell on Gordon Gano so that he'll fall in love with her. (Yes I know that Sabrina is the witch, not Libby. It was a one-day special). So not only do we have to watch poor Gordon Gano get thrown under the spellbinding trance of Libby…not only to we have to watch him choke back a laugh as he pretends to fall in love with her…we actually have to watch as he serenades her with "Please Do Not Go." No sooner did the words "Tell ya man I'm stuck on this lovely girl" spill forth from Gano's tongue when the camera pans to Libby's face in the most offensive X-treme close-up I've ever witnessed. A disgusting grin lights up her face accompanied by eyelash batting and hair tosses. Libby, please, please, please. Do go.


I like your face Sabrina. It's just so…symmetrical..

If you think your girlfriend is ugly, just compliment her intelligence or dark wit. Maybe even tell her she has a nice sense of style. Why would you tell someone "your face is so symmetrical…it's like an equilateral triangle"? Unless your name is Danny Bonaduce, that compliment ain't doing much.

Harvey is Sabrina's extremely slow-witted boyfriend. Harvey plays the role so well, that when I went back to watch Regarding Henry, I got it confused with A Beautiful Mind. God, I love Retarded Henry.

The best adjective I could use to describe Harvey is insignificant. There's really nothing worse than being insignificant in life…It's like, when people say they hate you, what they're really saying is "I love you" but when someone says "you're insignificant" that just means you got nothin. I know that's what you meant, Anonymous. And I love ya too. Let's meet up and hooch it.

4. Roxie

Aw Henry, can I really call you dad now?
I'm sorry Punky, but social services found my secret stash of SoCo in your purple sock drawer. Looks like you gotta go.

When I'm lucky enough to catch episodes from the later seasons, I get to see Soleil Moon Frye and David Lascher as replacements for Libby and Harvey! Soleil Moon Frye is tough to make fun of…just about everyone liked Punky Brewster (myself included) and everyone has to give props to her from recovering from having her boobs chopped down a major life-threatening surgery.

My concern is for her fans on the WB website though:

LinDz, DE
02/07/2002 21:09 PM
hi i was wandering if u were from Punky Bruster!

Rain, Austin Tx
02/06/2002 12:50 PM
......but YOU (Soleil Moon Frye) liven things up.

Rain, Austin TX
02/06/2002 12:47 PM
I wish you a good long life. I loved you in Good Day Live. Mybe it's just me but liven things up.

I don't know who this "Rain" character is…but between wishing her a good long life, telling her he loved her in Good Day Live and then asking her to liven things up (twice)…I think it's safe to say that Soleil's fans are teetering on the brink of suicide.

Roxie plays Sabrina's cynical, overly pissed-off friend. Basically, Roxie is Internet Jen.
If she could just stop writing for that dastardly website of hers, I bet she'd be a lot more well-adjusted.

I guess the bottom line is that I liked her as Punky, the intrepid explorer who invited everyone into her clubhouse. I don't like her as Roxie, the cynical newspaper reporter who rats on sorority girls and tries to get their house taken away from them. Oh come on, like you didn't see that episode.

5. Aunt Hilda

I like your face Hilda. It's just so…symmetrical..

To be fair, Aunt Hilda never really had a fighting chance with me. As a regular on Hollywood Squares, she's pretty much sealed her fate since Day One. Do you honestly think Jim J. Bullock is gonna make a comeback? And what of Whoopi Goldberg, the center square? I bet nobody knows what her favorite Entenmann's is 'cause then they'd all be flying off the shelf!

I got a message from Sam. He said your career is over.

But then I heard that Caroline Rhea is taking over the Rosie O'Donnell show. I ask, what human being could possibly want to shoulder this burden? Not only does hosting this show require one to successfully fail out of a chub club over a hundred times, not only does one need to fling Koosh balls at audience members every five minutes…but one needs to coin exceedingly annoying catchphrases like "Cutie-patootie!" and "Kids are punny!" I'll leave this one to Emerson…he definitely says it best:

"How clever. Trick people into thinking you aren't a lesbian by professing your absolute love for.....a gay guy?"

In a cutie-patootie little nutshell, anyone taking over the Rosie O'Donnell show is destined to go the way of Mariel Hemingway….and after watching "The Sex Monster" on HBO, I think it's safe to say that Mariel Hemingway ain't coming back.

Regardless of her personal career choices, Aunt Hilda still wins the prize for most annoying character on the show. You have to take pity on Aunt Zelda; the poor woman just wants to work on her science experiments and relax, but Aunt Hilda is constantly up her ass, trying to get her to spend the night spying on Sabrina and Harvey. Come on, this is a family channel. Nothing below the waist, right?

I would spend more time on this but really, is anyone still reading?

6. I went and saved the best for last…Sabrina

Don't worry, I'm not gonna take the easy route here and take cheap shots at some of her past acting performances. The important thing is, the Melissa Joan Hart of today is a very talented actress who has grown into quite a fine young woman.

Please Jen, don't bring it up.

No, I definitely won't go there. I mean, when I look at you, I don't even remotely think of Clarissa Explains it All; your role as Sabrina has stand-alone merit and I'm sure almost nobody remembers a time when you twirled around in a pink tutu shouting, "Can it, Ferg-face!"

Eat shit, Jen.

Sorry, OK, I'm ready to be serious now. Wait, just one more….

What can I say, I have ENORMOUS body parts!

If you can get past her odd-looking jaw-line and mysterious weight fluctuations, Melissa Joan Hart is not that bad of an actress. I realize that playing the part of angst-ridden teenager is kind of difficult, but she does a pretty swell job. You go, girl!

The thing is really, having to watch Sabrina The Teenage Witch helped me learn an important lesson about the site. We don't make fun of television because we're evil, mean-spirited jerks who are so dissatisfied with our own lives that we have to knock down wealthy celebrities. We're making fun of them because they disrupt our lives. Paul couldn't enjoy staring at his favorite sexy actress Leelee Sobieski without Chris Klein coming on and ruining the fun. Matthew cannot enjoy The Sopranos without his brain ruining it by making associations to wrinkly Kim Cattrall. (OK, I actually do like that show). And sometimes, I can't work out because of Melissa Joan Hart. Really, that's the reason I skipped yesterday.

And finally, some wise, wise words from an old sage named Anonymous…

Sent: Wednesday, February 06, 2002 12:46 AM
Subject: (none)

I'd send this to you directly, but you've started blocking people that don't kiss your stupid ass.

You are the suckiest suck who ever sucked. Stop writing, for the love of God.

Eloquent words spoken by a courageous soul. That's OK, take the time to register under an anonymous name. I will find you though. And when I do, I'm gonna plant kisses all over your HOT ROD BODY!!!!

Loves to cuddle.

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