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The twisted brilliance of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

posted by Chad and Paul on 2/12/02

Danimal from Nothing Sacred somehow predicted I would do Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as my next drug movie review. I'm pretty sure he was spying on me through the bushes while I was riding my invisible horse around my apartment halfnaked, but that's because he's a freak. Either that, or I'm horribly predictable. Since Danimal has taken away my element of surprise, I'm going to take on Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory in a different fashion – I'm going to DOUBLE REVIEW this flick!

Double review you ask? Well, not really – but besides the drug overtones in the movie, there's an abundance of scenarios that would work great in a porn movie. This may all seem very peculiar, but as you're soon about to see, I'm dead on with these claims. The movie separates into two parts: the first half of the movie is the porn section where our beloved protagonist Charlie will do anything to get into the factory. The second half is all the kids getting heaped up on Willy Wonka's variety of candy that not only alters your mind, but plays some mean games with your body. There is an overlap of the two (after all, isn't all good porn filled with crack-whores), so here's how this review is done: anything that sounds like a porno line will be underlined. For example, "Cum on Charlie." I'm not saying this is a porn movie in any way, shape, or form, but a lot of the lines, such as "Come on Grandpa, please take it," or "You got more because you want it more" sure would work well in a skin flick.

However, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory isn't all drugs and sex: there is actually a storyline. According to some crazy bum that Charlie calls "Grandpa," the gates to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory were permanently closed because competitors kept stealing Wonka's recipes and selling the products as their own. The gates have been sealed shut ever since, but somehow the factory started to work again, producing chocolate without the help of the public. AMAZING EH?

Willy Wonka seemingly took a couple of marketing classes in the company's down time, and came up with a superior contest idea. Of the zillions of Wonka chocolate bars out there, 5 of them have a golden ticket. If you're lucky enough to find a golden ticket, then you receive a lifetime supply of chocolate, and more significantly, a tour of the factory.

I know that this all seems like some amazing stuff, but half of the movie revolves around the entire world being swept up in "Wonkamania" at the chance to tour the factory. The main character, Charlie, comes from a poor family and would die to visit the factory: "I want it more than anything." Even the media in the movie is treating this contest as the biggest thing to hit the world. All of this attention… TO TOUR A FACTORY. As my girlfriend so elegantly put it, "this deserves a major 'FUCK OFF.'" God bless her, she's totally right – you really have to question the collective intelligence of a world that's number one priority is to tour a factory.

But, as we soon find out, this is not a regular factory – of all the drug movies I've reviewed, this one is definitely most deserving of the label "headfuck." As great as the factory is, it's only half of the movie: and between the opening credits and the factory entrance lays the majority of the porn lines.

"How long will a man's spirit hold out?"

Charlie is obsessed with finding a golden ticket. As tickets are found by other kids, he becomes more and more depressed – Charlie found the last ticket, but until then, he falls into a downward spiral of despair. Charlie's craptastic attitude leads his mother to sing a song about Charlie, and honestly, this scene is utterly forgettable if it weren't for the porn possibilities… so here are the top 5 porn lines from his mom's song:

    Up on top is right where you belong.

    Let that sunshine show!

    Until that day you have to stay up and strong.

    Come on Charlie!

    You get blue [balls] like everyone.

"I haven't done this in twenty years."

These old people are always in bed. Always. They've been sharing those sheets in a giant senior citizen orgy for 20 years, not once stepping foot on the floor. Of course, when Charlie finds a golden ticket, the Grandpa not only gets up, but he also sings "I got a golden ticket" like a leprechaun while dancing around in his piss stained bed robe. Grandpa had a lot of confidence that Charlie would find a ticket, building up his confidence with lines like "go ahead, open it Charlie: I want to see that gold" and "something tells me we're going to be lucky this time."

"Welcome to my chocolate factory."
(Chocolate is Freudian for anal sex, isn't it)?

The man who plays Willy Wonka (great name for a porn character) is Gene Wilder, who coincidentally starred in one of the many TV versions of Alice in Wonderland. Take a look at his face: he looks like he's fucked himself up on a lot of drugs. He's remarkably similar looking to a 40 year old guy I used to work with… and since that guy drooled over 10 year old children, I'll go on the record to say that Willy Wonka molests children for a hobby. He also says some very peculiar things that support this claim, the prime being "a grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine: that's why I decided a long time ago that I needed to find a child. A very loving, trusting child." Boy, what I'd do to be 10 again.

"If you want to view paradise…"

At first, this guy seems like a pervert that likes whispering into children's ears. Then it turns out he's the president of Slugworth chocolate. Then it turns out he's somebody else… so fuck it, let's just go with a guy that likes whispering into children's ears. Not just any child of course: only the children with golden tickets.

Using my amazing ability to tie subjects together, I present to you the lucky five golden ticket holders and their unfortunate fates. Each golden ticket winner is spoiled and incredibly rude (except for Charlie, of course), but let's point our fingers and laugh at each one separately.

"You'll get a stomach ache if you swallow it like that."

Augustus Gloop – Son of Germany's most prominent pork butcher, Augustus is supposedly a role model for the whole world. Personally, I think he's just a fat fuck. Since the boy's width is greater than his height, this could spell disaster for Willy Wonka. Considering the amount of food that boy can pound back, he very well could put Willy Wonka out of business.

Not surprisingly, Gloop's own gluttony turns out to be his worst enemy. If anybody is going to have an accident in a chocolate factory, it's going to be the fat kid. Unable to control his cellulite urges, he begins to drink from the chocolate river, only to fall into the tasty liquid. I thought a kid his size would have been buoyant, but he's picked up by the undertow and sucked up into the chocolate pipes. His fat ass gets wedged there temporarily, but the pressure builds and builds. Gloop receives a chocolate enema before shooting out like sperm after 10 seconds of intercourse.

Veruca Salt – she can't stop the Seether (whatever that means). This little Volcano Girl demands her rich father find her a golden ticket. Mr. Salt has his factory's staff of nuns (honestly, they're all wearing nun outfits) open chocolate bars fulltime in search of a ticket. A typical movie viewer doesn't like Veruca, but I sure as hell do – she asks (in reference to the nuns), "what's a matter with those twats down there?!!?!"

Every time Veruca speaks, she's telling her dad of something else that she wants. Irony seems to be the reoccurring theme, as Veruca's greed leads to her demise. In the factory, they meet some geese that lay golden eggs. Obviously, the rich girl has a spaz when she finds out the geese aren't for sale, wrecking havoc on the factory until she mistakenly steps on the Eggucator, which tests for "bad eggs." HAR HAR she's a bad egg so she got thrown out!!1

Violet Beauregarde – This plump little gum chewer (personal note: gum chewers = goo guzzlers) not only found the third golden ticket, but also acquired my loathing. She doesn't shut up. I tried muting my TV during one of her drawn out monologues, but she somehow overrode the controls and kept babbling away.

Being an avid gum chewer, she starts munching on some of the gum Willy told her not to stick in her mouth. Right before our eyes, Violet turns violet!!11 She then balloons up like a whale and is rolled out by the Oompa Loompa's (I'm getting to them, don't worry). I've always wanted to tip a fat person over and roll them around. The best part about Violet isn't the color changing or the inflating, but rather her comments while eating the gum: "Hot! Creamy! I can feel it running down my throat!" Shall we roll along?

Mike Teavee – His last name is pronounced TV because he likes to watch TV (it seems like everyone of these kids want the "!!11" treatment). Mike TV and me have a lot in common: whenever I watch the tube, I'm also forced to wear a ridiculous cowboy outfit. Like most Americans, he's not allowed to have a real gun until he's twelve, which is a shame: I think the world would be a better place if you let him commit suicide now.

TV boy gets all excited about the Wonkavision camera that can transport actual objects instead of a video… the only problem is that it shrinks the hell out of them. So, when he jumps in front of the overgrown telescope, he's sent across the room and comes back the size of a GI Joe action figure. You should never fuck around in a chocolate factory, and knowing is half of the battle. YO JOE!

I have a few words for Charlie Bucket as well, but the movie ends with him and I want to show a couple of more scenes from the factory first. For now, just note his last name sounds like "fuck it" – we'll make more fun of him in a bit. As I'm sure you all know, there is nothing I enjoy more than a movie that takes the place of a narcotic – and the chocolate factory in this movie takes every hallucination and makes them look foolishly simple.

Obviously, Wonka's chocolate factory produces a shitload of candy – and if candy isn't acid for kids, then I don't know what is. Just look at what happened to the girl that ate the gum – she overdosed. These kids are obviously high as kites from all the sugar, but some of the candy is a little more blatant: for example, those giant colorful mushrooms in the above picture. But of all the candy, my favorite is the everlasting jawbreaker. According to Willy, "you can suck them and suck them and suck them and they won't get any smaller. Ever." Told you Willy was a pervert.

MIDGETS!! I'm telling ya, this movie has everything! Lines from porn movies, not so subtle drugging, and multiple opportunities to plug my archives – for more midget action on BigMeats, you can check out the Munchkins or the midgets from an infomercial. These little midgets are called Oompa Loompas from Loompa Land, and they specialize in singing hypnotic chants after each child's accident in the factory. Green hair, orange skin, sing songs about dead people… this is a drug movie alright.

Willy Wonka's tunnel of fucked up lighting! As if the evil acid flashback isn't bad enough, Willy starts chanting a mantra in an offbeat deadpan manner. I've thought about this scene for a while, and all I can muster up is "What. The. Fuck." Here's a portion of his chant:

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
This scene alone is worth the price of rental. 'Nuff said.

"Which one do you want? Whatever one is biggest!"

On the way to another room is the magical wonderwall – for those of you that don't know what a wonderwall is, it's a wall with a hole cut out at the most convenient of places, where somebody on the other side does something rather desirable to your most sensitive area. I laughed immediately when they all start licking the wallpaper and proclaiming how good it tasted, but when Charlie yelled out "Grandpa, this banana is fantastic," the movie was paused so I could piss my pants in a room that was easier to clean up.

The rest of the factory is wonderful (I've only showed half of it), and I recommend you rent the flick to watch it all. However, my post is growing out of control (that could be a porn line too), so let's find the fate of the final contestant, Charlie.

Charlie almost dies in the factory. He's in a room with his Grandpa that produces a lot of bubbles and a liquid that gets you high - literally. After they each take a small swig from a bottle (those booze fiends), Charlie starts floating around like that stupid grocery bag in American Beauty. Since Charlie is supposed to be the character we pity, I was surprised to find him stealing swigs from Willy Wonka's cough syrup. I was even more shocked to see him and his Grandpa drift towards the ceiling fan. So what can save them from floating into the slicing and dicing air fan? Burping. They burp to safety. With each burp, they slowly descend. So not only are there numerous porn lines and multiple instances of drug usage in this movie, but also an encouragement of poor manners.

Since Charlie survives the factory, he gets shot into space with Willy, where he finds his real prize: Charlie is to move in with Willy! PERVERT ALERT! It seems like this is more of a prize for Willy than for Charlie, especially considering the final line of the movie:

"But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he wanted…
He lived happily ever after.

Congratulations Charlie: have fun as a sex slave in the sequel.


When I was considerably younger, "Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory" was one of my favorite movies. Every year, as a special treat, we'd watch it in school and every year I'd enjoy it more, learning to appreciate the feelgood nature of the movie. It was loud, colorful and imaginative. Yeah, it was maxed up on feelgood, all right - how could any movie that encouraged good morals and featured singing midgets be anything but feelgood?

It's only with the passage of time, my tendency to overanalyze and a filthy mind that I've started to question Wonka. You see, a lot of movies aren't what they appear to be. Audiences who watch "Wizard of Oz" nowadays will take an entirely different reading from the movie; as opposed to its contemporary audience, who would probably have only enjoyed it on a superficial level. That movie certainly had codes about homosexuality and coming out of the proverbial closet. Wonka, I feel, is no different. Sure, on the surface it might look as though it's just an enjoyable kid's movie with a preachy message about the importance of obedience, but in reality there are sinister undertones.

I think the obvious interpretation of "Willy Wonka" is comforting and uplifting. It shows how one poor boy, Charlie Bucket, actually triumphs by being obedient and good. There are hidden suggestions about karma and how bad things will happen to bad people. But, as far as this movie is concerned, is that really true? We're supposed to buy that the five kids who win a day out at the chocolate factory are basically not as valid as Charlie. One kid is fat and greedy, the other kids are spoiled, lazy and gluttonous. Surely, this is typical behavior/characteristics for kids. I mean, take Mike Teevee, he's essentially a kid who watches too much TV but doesn't hurt anyone. Yeah, he gets a little excited when he sees Wonka's special TV that shrinks objects (who wouldn't?), but is that any reason for Wonka to shrink poor Mike? Is the fact that Violet chews one of Wonka's patented three-course meal gums reason for him to turn her into a bloated blueberry?

What I'm saying is that the kids don't seem to do much to deserve their fates. Any kid who won a golden ticket to enjoy a trip around a WORLD-FAMOUS chocolate factory should be allowed the opportunity to explore, to treat themselves, to fuck around for a few hours. Wonka handed them the golden ticket, then expected an overweight German NOT to get exuberant when he entered a room where everything was edible. Why bother advertising a trip to your stupid fucking factory if you aren't going to hand out a few freebies? Would anyone else not feel a little ripped off if they were pushed into a chocolate river, just because they actually supped some of its delicious contents?

Wonka himself seems to operate as some sort of Messiah/cult figure. The whole universe seems disturbingly fascinated by this man and his mystical chocolate factory. It's as though he represents God himself, the factory denoting some sort of mecca or after-life. People speculate about Wonka openly and everyone seems to have a theory about him. Is he good, is he bad, what goes on in that mysterious factory? Why anyone would concern themselves so flagrantly about the going-ons of a man who makes junk food is in itself a little perplexing. Meanwhile, Charlie strives for that golden ticket, which he sees as the opportunity for a better life.

The golden ticket seems to suggest a wealth of symbolism. On one hand, it could just be a chance to escape a miserable life, one in which you have to clean shit-smelling old people with a rag. On the other hand, Charlie seems to want that Golden ticket VERY much, as though his whole life depends upon it. At this level, it wouldn't be too far-fetched to suggest that the golden ticket represents Charlie's one opportunity to come out of the closet. If you think about it, Charlie is prime homo material: no father figure, a mother who sings to him, shitty heterosexual rolemodels. After all, the primary heterosexuals in Charlie's life are lazy old people who've lay in their urine-soaked beds for twenty years and who can do diddly squat for themselves. Then, you have the world of homosexuality populated by Willy Wonka and his cronies (come on, no man who wears a flaming purple trenchcoat, tophat and makes up imaginary words could be straight). Heterosexuality doesn't look too enticing when contrasted with the crazy world of chocolate love. Straight folk bitch and moan, homosexuals have midgets working for them. Easy choice?

"I'll suck on your gobstopper for a very reasonable price."

I'm hardly clutching at straws. As Charlie stares longingly at Wonka's phallic-shaped factory, a passer-by tells him "Nobody ever goes in, . . . and nobody ever comes out!". Nobody ever did come out on those days, and Charlie presumably sees the golden ticket as his one chance to break out the pink spandex. It's hard to tell whether Wonka is a cruel, demented cult leader or a misunderstood queen. He takes great relish in the suffering of others and his whole life depends on deception. His first appearance in the movie shows him pretending to have a gimp leg, then there are instances where he pretends not to know why the Children in his factory suffer their cruel fates, then he pretends to Charlie that he doesn't want him there, when he's actually grooming him to be prime prison meat.

The whole factory-visiting experience seems motivated towards Wonka finding a sheep that he can mold into his likeness. So, while Wonka may lie that Charlie is being rewarded for his obedience, he's actually being rewarded for being a conformist. Not once does he question any of Wonka's hair-brained schemes, nor does he protest when kids are dealt harsh treatment - does this make Wonka a fascist? Charlie and his suddenly mobile grandfather are more concerned with freeloading than going against the grain. I do think Grandpa Joe is a shady character, too. For a guy who hasn't stepped outside in twenty years, he doesn't hesitate when Charlie offers him a day out at a factory: he represents the laziness of the working-classes. He pretends to be selfless in wanting Charlie to win the ticket, but he really just sees the ticket as his own lifeline. The greedy old shit wouldn't even tell Charlie that he should bring a friend (or his mother) instead.

Then we have the everlasting Gobstopper. This is Wonka's prided invention and unique patent. All the other kids betray Wonka by stealing the candy and taking the bribe from Wonka's bitter rival, Sluggworth, who offers the kids an obscene amount of money if they stole the recipe. The key point here is that the Letterman-lookalike, hired to tempt the kids, is an employee of Wonka. He's NOT Wonka's bitter rival. That makes Wonka a liar and pretty damn unreasonable. He honestly expected these impressionable kids to refuse one billion dollars just to protect his patent? What the hell did he think these kids, who hadn't even met him, owed him? If you were going to Hersheys tomorrow and someone offered you one billion for stealing one of their hot recipes, would you be moral to or stupid to refuse?

"The Top Ten reasons I whisper into children's ears like a pervert."

I think that's obvious. So, we can conclude that Charlie is not the cleanest dish in the sink. Instant security for your family for their rest of their lives or loyalty to some rich businessman? Naturally, Charlie chooses the dumb option, but stupidity pays off and he's granted a novelty factory and the affection of a slimy old pedophile. Can we conclude anything less about this boy-man relationship?

Next time you think "Willy Wonka" is an innocent movie about the triumph of individuality, just remember the evils that lurk beneath the surface. This movie is less about the strength of imagination and more about greed, opportunism and selling your soul for material reward. Only, unlike Tyler Durden, Wonka is easier to unravel.

Great movie, horrible nightmares!

AOL IM: paulwdfans

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