Asshole Bowl 2002: Matthew vs. Fred Durst
posted by Matthew on 2/17/02 Asshole Bowl 2002
Teenage Egomaniac, Lover of Good Music, Militant Intellectual, Future World LeaderVersus
Limp Bizkit Frontman, Record Label Vice President, Red Hat Purveyor, All-Round Dumbass
Every once in a while, pop culture produces someone who isn’t merely a conceited lunatic, who isn’t merely a spoiled drug fiend disconnected from the rest of reality, who isn’t merely a whoremonger, who isn’t merely a vacuous piece of ass without any real talent mass-produced for public consumption. Granted, the vast majority of celebrities fall into one of these categories. However, every once in awhile, we get someone who goes that extra mile, someone who transcends worthlessness and annoyance and rises to the level of Antichrist. Fred Durst is so bad that he almost transcends THAT level.
Idiotic Pop Culture Monkey
Fred Durst combines the worst facets of hip-hop culture with the musical talent and attitude of Poison. Limp Bizkit’s music is half Pat Boone 2002, lame white-boy approximations of black music (though that’s not to insinuate that hip-hop is a purely black music). However, that other half, the half that people frequently miss, is a lame approximation of a lame approximation of white music—namely an approximation of 80's LA hair metal which was a lame approximation of actual heavy metal, punk, and hard rock.
At Least Motley Crue Had Good Hair
How else can one explain the mind-bogglingly bad cover of George Michael’s “Faith,” complete with Fred Durst doing that old 80's hair band classic, signing the chests of dumb groupies? How else can you explain one of the most odious songs of the 90's, the feminist anthem “Nookie”? Fred Durst’s entire persona is that of a testosterone-overloaded, easily excitable, “Show us your tits!” rock chimp, and his Dylan-esque lyrics (“Give me something to break!/How ‘bout your fucking face?”) endlessly assert that point. Of course, let’s be honest here: Fred Durst isn’t exactly a hardass. Jewel could probably kick his ass.
Don’t Mess With Alaska, Bitch
As long as one has an operational frontal lobe and a functional auditory system, it should be plainly obvious that Limp Bizkit’s music sucks. Their melodies are awful and simplistic, and the music is sporadically well-performed, as guitarist Wes Boreland and, to a lesser degree, DJ Lethal, are both talented and creative at what they do. However, there was only so much Wes Boreland could do. If you give one of the Iron Chef’s a main ingredient of dog crap mixed with vomit, they’ll be able to craft infinitely intricate and aesthetically pleasing dishes...that taste like dogshit and vomit. Such was Wes Boreland. You could listen to a Limp Bizkit song and appreciate Boreland’s technically interesting playing, but even Hendrix could not have disguised the putrid bile that is Fred Durst’s vocal contributions. Of course' Boreland's gone now, comparing being Limp Bizkit to "selling your soul to the devil."
I Gotz Mad Skillz, Yo
Fred Durst as a rapper is a thing to behold: bereft of flow, pacing, rhythm, wit, or credibility, it’s like having a eunuch porn star. What’s even funnier is when he brutally exposes his own faults by trading rhymes with rappers with actual talent, such as his song with Method Man. Fred Durst, trying to hang with someone with actual flow and style, delivers mind-opening rhymes like:
Standin up, I'm sideways
I'm blazin' up the path
Runnin' on the highways of rap
Choked up by the smoke and the charcoal
Lava stamps and brands me like a barcode
I'm dashin' all the meteor strikes
Keep the media dykes
As reinforcements for the fight
Stone Cold Says: What?? (Courtesy of steckleystudios.com)
Needless to say, the asshole doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s talking about, and his shrill, ultra-wussy delivery doesn’t exactly intimidate me. Now, don’t get me wrong: a lot rappers aren’t exactly saying anything either. But, at least, they sound good. In the same way that Bob Dylan only got people to listen to his awful singing because of his great lyrics, Fred Durst needs to have decent rhymes to make up for his shit delivery. Unfortunately, he sucks at writing lyrics, too. At least he has the media dykes as reinforcements for his fight...or something. Does this asshole actually think when he writes this stuff?
From the makers of the ‘Where’s Waldo’ books comes ‘Spot the Asshole’
Finally, we get to the very worst part about Fred Durst: his paranoid ramblings about ‘haters.’ I’ve always disliked Fred Durst’s music, but there was one moment that drove me to hating the dumb bastard. In this single instant, Fred Durst became my least favorite person on the planet. One sentence:
“there is so much hatorade being drunk out there. every magazine, paper, band, etc. is on a limp hating rampage and it is really giving us the fire” Fred Durst, limpbizkit.com, 6/12/01
Hatorade. Hator-fucking-rade. HATORADE! Vanilla fucking Ice would hang his head in shame if he used such a dumbass phrase. Try working ‘hatorade’ into a normal conversation, and come back and tell me you did not feel immense shame afterwards. I dare you! Can you actually believe that someone so asinine, so stupid as to actual PUBLISH the words “there is so much hatorade being drunk out there” for millions to see, sub-elementary school and shitty ebonics and all, is actually a millionaire? Is actually given time on YOUR television and radio?!
Besides, Durst seems to have obsession with people ‘hatin’ on him...
“ID LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO ALL THE HATERS OUT THERE. MAN IS THERE ALOT OF THEM. ITS HARD TO IGNORE SOMETIMES BUT IM TRYING. SO MUCH MOTHERFUCKING HATORADE GOING DOWN THE THROATS OF SOME MISERABLE PEOPLE OUT THERE. WELL, DRINK UP ASSHOLES BECAUSE YOU ARE REALLY GIVING ME SOME FUEL FOR THE NEW LYRICS. I AINT MAD AT THAT AT ALL. HATE IS A DISEASE. HATE, FOR SOME, IS A WAY OF LIFE. HATE, FOR OTHERS, IS IGNORANCE. THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL.” Fred Durst, limpbizkit.com, 7/8/01
I’m the big fucking red Kool-Aid spokesman full of Fred Durst ‘hatorade.’ Not only can this asshole not figure out how to use the caps lock button, but he also thinks he’s Fred Christ up on his cross. Look at how he preaches about hate, especially considering he’s the purveyor of such liberated classics as “Break Stuff,” “Nookie”, and “Full Nelson.” Pardon me if I don’t take kindly to life lessons from the dipshit that wrote “Stick it up your yeah!”
Guess what I’m full of? And, you know what, you can stick this hatorade up your ASS! That’s right, I didn’t say ‘yeah’ like you did, Fred, you censor-scared pussy, I said ass!
“Hello everybody, this is Fred. I want you to listen and listen close. That includes every piece-of-shit talking shit and every hater talking shit. This is specifically written for you in all honesty. Everything we, limp bizkit, do is motivated and driven by our love for our fans and love for what we do.” Fred Durst, limpbizkit.com, 2/8/02
This is specifically written to you, Fred. Fred, I don’t buy your bullshit. You can say “I do everything for my fans” and all that bullshit, and guess what, you might like your fans. They’re like your white trash ATM. That doesn’t change the fact that your music is absolutely awful, full of nonsensical lyrics and dumb caveman riffs. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re a complete and total idiot who markets himself to musical idiots and teenagers with repressed rage. In fact, your immensely paranoid, hostile persona is nothing more than a spoiled, rich version of every idiot teenager who is too big of a pussy to admit that he’s lonely and that he’s scared. You’re a scared, paranoid, lonely little man, afraid of women (“Stick it up your yeah!”) and insecure of your own abilities (your endless rants about the haters). No number of records you sell can or will change this.