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Ten Degrees of 80’s Madness Continues

posted by Jen on 3/08/02

For me, it was a no-brainer. When The Lost Boys first came out in the theaters, I knew it was destined for success before I even witnessed any such vampire “ass-staking.” As a one-time…alright…frequent caller of Corey Haim’s hotline, an owner of several back issues of Tiger Beat with multiple fold-outs of the Coreys, and a hideous obsession with saying “bite me” back when it was kinda cool, I knew the movie was going to be at least decent.

And then I realized it wasn’t just decent…it was extr-CORD-inary!!



And now onto,

The Top Ten Features of The Lost Boys:

1. The obsessive use of “vampire” humor:

I’m the first to admit it. I have a thing for horror movie scripts that have built-in jokes that correspond with the events. I like to envision myself somehow placed in these situations…and wonder if I too would be able to come up with humorous jokes on cue, or if I would be just too damned scared to be so clever. I’m constantly amused when I watch Scream et al. and characters are on the verge of being knifed to death, but still have the presence of mind to say, “Alright, numbnuts, put the knife in my gut. But just remember, I still have a bigger DICK than you!”
Not that anyone’s ever said that, but you get what I mean…I have a feeling that if someone broke into my house, gunned down my family, and was about to set me on fire, I’m not sure I’d be pulling out donkey penis humor on them. At any rate, here were some of my favorites:

Fangs a lot for posting this picture, Jen

(a) Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman): “Alright…but if you vamp out in anyway, I’ll stake ya without even thinking twice about it.
(b) Edgar again: “First come…First STAKED!”
(c) Edgar yet again: “We trashed the one that looked like Twisted Sister…we totally annihilated his blood-sucking ass!”

Heaven isn’t too far away…when Warrant look-alikes are closer everyday

(d) A normal greeting for the guys who are going to kill you: “What are you, the blood-sucking Brady Bunch?”
(e) “Holy shit, it’s the attack of Eddie Munster!”
(f) On repeat throughout: “Let’s stake some vampire ass!”

2. The “normal” dialogue:

(a) “How do you like that rice? MAGGOTS, Michael…you’re eating maggots!”
(b) After Michael still doesn’t catch on: “How do you like those noodles? You’re eating worms, Michael!”
(c) Sam to Michael, upon witnessing no reflection in mirror: “Look at your reflection in the mirror…you’re a creature of the night Michael!” I’d like to imagine standing with my brother in the mirror, seeing him having no reflection, and calmly thinking to call him “a creature of the night.”

Oh, look at that: you don’t have a reflection. That’s some crazy shiz-nit.

3. The oddly placed musical accompaniment:

Beware, this discussion may be a bit obscure to your ears, as I am definitely the only human to own not one but two of the Lost Boys soundtracks. I was so obsessed, that I purchased one for my apartment, and another when I thought I lost the first. Each time I watch the movie, I find myself humming along during some of the killing scenes. What, like that’s weird?

(a) The “Mary, Mary, You’re on my mind” song: I guess I could have excused this song if it was only chosen for the scene when Sam (Corey Haim) enters the video/comic store. But the fact that the song comes on again when Sam’s brother Michael gets on the motorcycles with the vampires, and then again as Vampire 3 is electrocuted to death…I would’ve liked to be a fly on the wall at the production set for this choice. I like to imagine the musical consultant watching the vampire get fried and saying, “OK boys, cue ‘Mary, Mary’ one more time.”
(b) The “Lost in the Shadows” theme song. This is the biggest mystery of the movie to me. This Lou Gramm character was obviously chosen to pen this song over many talented individuals…and this is what we get?:

“I can’t wait for the city lights…in the shadows. Here comes the night, in the darkest hour, makes… me…. want… to… FLY… THESE …WINGS, YEAH! Say hello to the night!!!”

Say hello to the night? SAY HELLO TO THE NIGHT? Is this supposed to be DANGEROUS music? Say goodbye to Lou Gramm, a man who has not been asked to write songs after this movie.

(c) The “Cry Little Sister…Come to Your Brother” song, appearing during the only love scene in the movie. Quite frankly, this song is awesome…but during a love scene?
Being dominated: kinda sexy
Being incestuous: kinda creepy

(d) “To the Shock of Miss Louise” appearing as Corey Haim consults the Frog Brothers in the video store. There were no characters named Louise in the movie. And they were really just looking at comic books…where was the shock value? Alright, I’ll stop.

You don’t think exposing my butt was a bad career move, do you?


4. The attire

(a) This movie introduced a genre of clothing I like to call “geometry shirts.” Corey Haim had more geometrical configurations on his shirts than DJ Tanner had on her bedspread. Corey also indulges us with a “people shirt” which, frankly, I can’t get enough of. Please, if you have a grain of respect for me, e-mail me if you see it on e-Bay, cause it rightfully belongs to me.

Born for seXX

(b) Haim also wears a “Born to Shop” shirt at different points in the movie. It’s frightening that I couldn’t find screen captures of this bitch.
(c) Corey Feldman’s denim jacket was also a beaut, but *only* because it was sleeveless and fringed.

5. Corey Haim’s room:

Another nod to the 80’s here, Corey had a Swatch watch wall clock (i.e. an ENORMOUSly oversized watch doubling as a clock) and a half-naked picture of Rob Lowe on his wall. What Corey was doing with a nudie of Rob Lowe…one can only guess.

I can see St. Elmo’s Fire, burning in me

6. The “I still believe” scene:

I love to watch 80’s movies where a concert performance is taking place. Music produced in this decade is simply an entirely different beast from the musical influences in our day, as I had mentioned before. When Timmy Cappello is featured onstage doing the “I Still Believe” song, a wave of nostalgia floods the viewer. He is shirtless, his chest is oiled, his hair is slicked back in a ponytail; he looks strangely enough like a cross between Michael Bolton and Chuck Knoblauch. As he sings “I Still Believe” over and over, he pumps his fist in the air, in an exaggerated show of manhood and then swings a leg around the microphone stand. The scene comes to a pivotal point when Timmy pulls out the saxophone and gets down to business.

80’s singing sensation + well-lubed skull = Jen’s ideal man.

7. The Vamp Squad:

Youth gone wild

You can’t help but notice some striking resemblances from the members of the Squad, to famous 80’s heroes. Most readily apparent, Vampire 3 looks EXACTLY like Jo Polniaczek (of the Facts of Life). Vampire 1 looks like the lead singer in just about every second-rate 80’s rock band. Vampire 4, Marco, is played by none other than Alex Winter, of Bill and Ted’s fame. He probably would have survived in this movie, if only he had remembered to rewind his watch.

8. Michael:

Every thug needs a lady

Jason Patric plays the asshole brother part to a tee. There are certain elements that make for an asshole brother, not the least of which are stunning insults, hair musses, and a solid weightlifting routine. I just like the fact that the SECOND he walks into his grandfather’s house for the first time, he immediately starts in on the weights. It’s like, no time to waste unpacking my bags…the weights are calling my name. When he’s finished, he comes behind Corey Haim, and starts fingering his ear. Instead of blowing out candles, he puts his thumb and middle finger around the flame and lets it sizzle….ssssSEXY! He also says things like “piss off” every once in a while to establish himself as a misunderstood teenager.

9. David:

Kiefer Sutherland does a phenomenal job as the Vamp leader. (I know that the video store-owner is the actual vampire leader, but David functions as the leader throughout most of the movie) David doesn’t rely on much dialogue; he simply needs to deliver a look, or a malicious laugh, and people do whatever he says. The scene where he challenges Michael to fly, the scene where he ridicules Michael for eating maggots, and finally the scene where he chokes back tears at losing his friend Marco; David manages to make us fear him and feel sorry for him all at once. And that, my friends, is the mark of a thespian.

10. Laddy:



We keep the kid around for when we need room service

I like to save the best for last sometimes, and this character definitely deserved to be saved for last here. Unfortunately, Chance Michael Corbitt only says two words in this entire movie: “Star! Star!” apparently lamenting the sad demise of his career. Chance quite obviously steals the show as the half-vampire child. First, let me ask…what outfit would you think a typical 10-year old boy would wear in a movie? Maybe jeans? Shorts and a t-shirt? Maybe a nice sweater if he’s dressing up? Our friend Laddy wears a bellhop uniform for the entire duration of the movie. And how would he wear his hair to match this bellhop outfit? You’re thinking a crew cut, maybe a little bit of scruff around the ears.

I call you Lipzz

No, Chance wore the “Tina Turner.” I haven’t seen many people, let alone children, with this hairstyle, but it suits him well. Undeniably, the best part of the movie is toward the end, when Laddy’s inner-vamp comes out and he rears fangs, preparing to kill someone. Edgar Frog appropriately dubs him Eddie Munster. I haven’t heard many children make the noises that were emanating from his mouth at this point, but if I ever had a sleepless night after watching this movie, it’s due to this child right here.

Of course, this movie left some unanswered questions to the mind, as all great movies do. Like, in the very beginning of the movie, when “People are Strange” is playing…why is there a 5-second camera still of a ventriloquist’s dummy sitting on a Ferris wheel? Was there such a severe shortage of extras? Could they not have just put Dianne Wiest in a baseball cap or something? And at the very end, when Sam and Michael’s grandfather drives his car through the side of the house, saving the day…how did he know to do that? I mean, great save and all, but what was the impetus? How did he know that vamps were in the house? And finally, as I explained, the video store-owner is actually the “Father” vampire. (Sorry, the secret’s out). Why in the beginning of the movie, do the vampires decide to throw a bat kite on his front door step? I guess it was an effective tool for the movie producers to use, to throw us off the trail and all…but seriously. As if David’s gonna take a trip to the kite store and buy a scary bat to throw on his dad’s house?

Well that does it for Degree 2 in the Ten Degrees of Eighties Madness series. I hope you found this article about The Lost Boys to be informative and most of all sexy. I know, I know, how sexy could it be without a picture of W-D’s own Matthew to open things up? Since I covered the Corey Feldman—Dianne Wiest connection, Dianne Wiest and a mystery actor will appear for next time. And if there’s one thing I know you crazy cats can’t live without, it’s Dianne Wiest.

-Jen
jen@whatever-dude.com


Go ahead, tell me I forgot a good line.




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