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Death to the White Rapper
posted by B on 2/23/01

1993 was a bad year for just about everything. Our webmaster Dave was entering his second semester as a Freshman, and I, as a thirteen year old, was trying to balance the oncoming hipthrust of puberty against the downward spiral in popularity of my beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The hair bands of my childhood that had for so long given love a bad name had been pulled by their hair-sprayed mullets kicking and screaming into the wheat-thresher of Grunge Rock. Pee-wee's Playhouse's own Cowboy Curtis had been nominated for an Academy Award, and a young Jim Carrey taught us how to laugh at things that really weren't funny at all.

The economy was dampened by the downhill slide of the recession. The Grim Reaper was working overtime, taking away the lives of some of the world's most promising or legendary celebrities, like Audrey Hepburn, Frank Zappa, River Phoenix, and the Penguin from the old Batman show. No, he didn't take the Riddler, with his stupid laugh and purple psychosexual zorro mask, he took the PENGUIN, a man who piloted a submarine shaped like his namesake full of pirates in colorful outfits. They said "YO HO CAPTAIN YO HO" before and after each sentence. How can we LIVE in a WORLD without PIRATES?

Confused and shocked by the world around me, I sought succor in the radio, where I found the most confusing and shocking revelation of all: One of the worst songs of all-time, piloted a la a Japanese kamikaze plane by a Canadian Wigger into the top of the charts.

Mention the slur "shitty cracker rapper" to anyone from my generation and the first name that pours from their mouth with an air of cynicism is "Vanilla Ice," the much lamented weenie in American flag parachute pants who grabbed a hold of us tightly, who flowed like a harpoon daily and nightly. Will it ever stop?

Yo, I don't know. But Ice never claimed to be an artist; and, regardless of what his Behind the Music special tells us, he's still filthy rich, is still doing what he loves (motocross, shaving lines into his eyebrows) after making a specific popular culture impact. Sure, we all still hate him, and would punch him in the neck if we saw him on the street. But at least he's not living on the streets, begging for dollar bills between songs about the power of OUR LORD JESUS I AM THE PROVIDER OF BLOOD FROM LAMBS like Hammer.

Much worse is the one we've forgotten.

And when I say "much worse," I use it in the same way I'd say that what Hitler did to the Jews back in the 1940's was "much worse" than sex with Jennifer Love Hewitt. His name was Snow.

Making music was not always the primary force in Snow's life when growing up as a young roughneck in the racially mixed housing projects of Toronto. There he lived amongst white people who liked hockey, and white people who disliked hockey ... the WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS. Along the somewhat rocky road he eventually made a choice between the streets of his neighborhood, living in an igloo and battling polar bears, and the beats and patois that served as its soundtrack. It was there he began to believe that the world NEEDED a white reggae rapper from Canada to break the music scene wide open, and unfortunately nobody kicked his ass before he got a recording contract.

His talent ultimately won out, which brought him to the attention of New York producer MC Shan. It was Shan who introduced Snow to the world of recording, and, subsequently, is responsible for the loss of peace in the Middle East. They signed on with Steve Salemand and David Eng's Motor Jam made the EastWest connection. I hate them all. Word.

The result was one of the most explosive debuts of the 90's: the multi-platinum LP, "12 Inches of Snow." The title of that album was so clever and powerful that people around the world are still gagging and going "AUUUGH" from the play on words. "Informer," the legendary single from the album, was number one on the Billboard singles chart for seven weeks in a row. During those seven weeks God died. Even He and His great omnipotence couldn't have predicted that Snow would've been allowed to speak without being shot in the face, much less be praised for saying "A licky boom boom down" to music.

People recently have gotten bent out of shape because Generation Z's big superstar white rapper Eminem won critical acclaim for writing hateful lyrics. But have you examined what Snow gave us? Check this out:

Eminem's lyrics, from "Killing"
You faggots keep eggin me on
Til I have you at knifepoint, then you beg me to stop?
SHUT UP! Give me your hands and feet
I said SHUT UP when I'm talkin to you

Clearly showing anger for people who criticize his rapping.

Snow's lyrics, from "Informer"
So listen for me, you better listen for me now
Listen for me, you better listen for me now
Bring me the bubbler, the micro, the phone but rock on steady
Yes sir, daddy me Snow me are the article don

Clearly showing anger for people who criticize his rapping, only as seen through the eyes of a retarded child who's just been punched in the back of his head.

Eminem's lyrics, from "Marshall Mathers"
"Slim anus," you damn right, slim anus
I don't get fucked in mine like you two little flaming faggots!
it doesn't matter you fuckin faggot!
Talkin about I fabricated my past
He's just aggravated I won't ejaculate in his ass

An obviously offended rapper expresses his disgust about anal sex.

Snow's lyrics, from "Informer"
Police a-them now come and now they blow down me door
Rainin' copper through, through my window
So then they put me in the back the car at the station
From that point on me reach my destination
When the destination reached at the east detention
Where they lowered down me pants, looked at me bottom, so

An obviously offended rapper who learned how to speak English by listening to Credence Clearwater Revival expresses his disgust about cops giving him anal sex.

Eminem's lyrics, from "Criminal"
My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
that'll stab you in the head
whether you're a fag or lez
or the homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest
pants or dress - hate fags? the answer's "yes"

I think Elton John just thought he was cute.

Snow's lyrics, from "Informer"
Informer, you no say daddy me Snow me I'll go blame
A licky boom boom down
Detective man, they said say daddy me Snow me stabbed someone down the lane
A licky boom boom down

Snow's commentary on...uh... something. Screw it, the whole point of this is that Snow made more money than I'll ever see by jabbering into a microphone and wearing ugly clothes. But there IS one more notable comparison between Snow and Eminem:

And I'll just leave it at that.

Anyway, if you search the 'net for "Snow" or "Informer," you'll find at least half a dozen pages telling you about what a great career Snow has had since his big hit, and how he is such a SPECIAL MC who KEEPS IT REAL. I can't really figure it out, I thought that the Earth had opened up and swallowed Snow deep down into it's crusted belly.

Evidently I'm wrong...even though the only songs I've ever heard from Snow are "Informer" and the even worse "Girl I've Been Hurt," he's got a Greatest Hits album that you can order online. It's 13 songs on 1 CD, featuring rap superstars like Snow (vocals) and Funky C Funky Do with their big hit "I Do Believe We're Naked."

Back in 1993 everybody seemed to like Snow, so here's a fun game: Find all of your stupid friends and say "hey, do you remember Snow?" If they fess up at all they'll say they hated him. It's sad, really, because these are the same people who GOT THEY FUNKAFADELIC GROOVE THANG ON for "Here Comes the Hotstepper" by that ignorant black guy. What was his name? Will Smith?

Wait, no, he was the guy who makes music about how much money he makes.

Or is that Puff Daddy? No, he's the guy who took advantage of his fat dead friend.

Wait a minute, wasn't that David Spade? No, he's the guy who's a complete waste of human life.

Or is that Snow?

Yes. A licky boom boom down.