Growing up in the United States or Canada, most people have the same basic concepts about sex… how we do it, who we're supposed to do it with, when we're supposed to do it, how often we do it, how to protect ourselves when we do it, where to do it, what's legal, what's illegal, and all that fun stuff. Chances are, if you asked any 8-year old child to any 80-year old senior citizen, they'll have pretty much the same thoughts on the subject, of course with variations depending on maturity and experience. Whether they learned by looking at pornography, talking with friends, in sexual education class, by watching their pets, or however… almost everyone knows the basics of sex.
But do we know as much as we think we do? What about sex around the world? Is sex the same there as it is here?
I took it upon myself to answer these questions, and did some research. What I've come up with is some of the strangest laws concerning sex from countries all over the globe. From Guam to Hong Kong and back to North America, I'm opening the floodgates to how other nations view and deal with sex.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
How much sense does this make? Say, for instance, you owned a farm in Lebanon. On that farm, you had two goats… one male, the other female. One day, you look down at your penis, which, to your surprise, is erect. You know you need to fuck something, but the question is what do you fuck? You look at your wife, then you look out the window at your goats… after some quick thinking, you head out to the goat pen. Now you're stuck between witch goat to bang, the male or the female. The female would no doubt get you off, but that male's goat ass is so tight and dirty. But if you screw the male goat, you could be sentenced to death. If you screw the female goat, you're free to fuck whatever other barnyard animals you may come across on Lebanon's countryside. What to do, what to do?
I suppose doing a male animal isn't worth dying. Afterall, who would bang a male animal when you could bang a female animal, while your human friends film you with their video cameras and cheer you on? As long as the Lebanese men are still allowed to shag four-legged females, all is right in the world.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see the reflection of the woman's vagina in a mirror.
I suppose this makes sense… everyone always says that you shouldn't look directly into the sun, right? So why not adapt the same rule for vaginas? It's not like a pussy has ultra violent rays that could blind you or anything like that, but still, it makes sense. If you're a Gynecologist in Bahrain, just think of how skilled all your friends and family would think you were if you could do your job without even looking directly at your patient's genitals. Only using mirrors to effectively do your work and treat your patient, you'd be looked at like a dentist fighting poontang plaque or a magician pulling a rabbit out of a pussy. As you see, there are numerous social advantages to using mirrors to heal your patients' genitals.
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
This way is much more simple than divorce, don't you think? If you catch your husband cheating on you, the best way to go about revenge is obviously murder… but the hard thing is remembering how you're allowed to get away with it. Sure, the government in Hong Kong allows you to kill both your husband and his lover, but damn it, your memory just isn't that good. You can't remember if you can kill your husband in any manner desired and his lover with only your bare hands, or vice versa, or what. The only question on my mind is that if you're allowed to kill both your husband and his whore, why come up with stipulations about it rather than just let her do it however she sees fit? Hell, if your going to justify murder at least don't sugar coat it. A woman scorned over such a matter will find a way, I'm sure of that… but why not make it easy on the poor lady? I mean, she just found out that her husband was cheating on her. As always, this is where the damn government has to step in and make rules and regulations concerning the situation. I guess it'd be too easy to make murder legal and not give these heartbroken women certain ways to go about it, eh? But any way you look at it, Hong Kong has some fucked up views on justice. No wonder Asian immigration in the US is so high these days, it's because of damn Hong Kong. Those bastards.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
I wonder how the police would actually catch people masturbating and go on to decapitate someone? I mean, it's not like people pleasure themselves while buying a pair of shoes or while grocery shopping. Most people have the common sense to masturbate in the privacy of their own homes. I'm wondering if Indonesians are sworn by the government to give themselves up if they partake in a few minutes of self-pleasure thanks to some scrambled Canadian porn? [Yes, every country in the world has access to Canadian porn in some form or another…] Or maybe they can use the buddy system, where you have a friend around to keep you accountable for where you are and what you're doing at all times. That way, if you start fondling yourself, your buddy either has the option to report you to the authorities or join you. Either way, at least they get something out of it.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
I don't care what anyone says, I agree with this law that the Muslims have. If you think about it, they're doing everyone a common curtsey. Let me explain… who dies most of the time? Old, ugly, wrinkly, and sometimes fat people. You don't even want to look at them when they're alive, let alone their lifeless genitals. Let's face it, old people aren't that good looking… it's true, it's true. Sure, from time to time you have a not-so-bad looking senior citizen, maybe even the diamond in the rough attractive 60-year old. But for the most part, they're far from what you would call "eye-candy." Besides, the only dead person's reproductive organs that I would consider looking at in the first place would be either any random celebrity, like Sherman Hemsley or James Earl Jones for example, or some hot chick who's body wasn't mutilated because of her death. So to all the Muslims reading, I say good on'ya for coming up with a law that makes sense. Using a brick or a piece of wood to cover up their dead genitals may not be as convenient as just leaving some underwear on the corpse, but you know, do whatever floats your boat.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. The reason for this is that under Guam's law, it is forbidden for virgins to marry.
For those of you who are still reading and not on your way to start a new career in Guam, I guess I'll go on… man, if this was a career option in America, I can honestly say that I bet our country would go down the toilet because almost EVERYONE would want to be doing this, and no one would be left to be doing the millions of other important money-generating jobs that make this country thrive. Can you imagine this? Instead of wanting to be a policeman or a doctor or what have you when your little boys grow up, they'd want to become a deflowerer.
And though it seems like the greatest career since the possibility of money for nothing gimmicks actually working, I bet these men in Guam don't even care about what they're doing. These guys in Guam probably carry their business cards around the countryside, going from door to door, like an encyclopedia salesman. They're probably nonchalant about it too… "Hello, my name is Victor, and I would like to fuck your young daughter and have you pay me for it, here is my card. Don't worry, I brought my own condoms… where is her room again? Down the hall to the left? Ok, be back out in 10 minutes…" Wow… that's all I can say. These people in Guam take small home businesses to the extreme, eh?
But as great as all this is, I've been wondering one thing about their law… if it's forbidden for women to marry if they're still a virgin, why wouldn't they just screw their fiancée rather than going out and hiring a man-whore? They'd save money as well as spare themselves countless hours of fighting for years to come about her fucking some other guy before they got married. I don't know, maybe it's just me… but this is a great career, no doubt about it. Public high schools definitely need to put pamphlets concerning this deflowering virgins business in the guidance offices… maybe it would make up for all of those damn military recruiters they have who would always come in and annoy the hell out of us.
In Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband… no other man before or after him. The first time they have intercourse, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
Talk about a turn on… I know I've got a semi just thinking about my fiancée's mother in the room with us when we're making love. Well, maybe not.
Everyone is probably shuddering at that thought, but believe it or not, having your mother-in-law in the room with you the first time you make love to your wife may turn out to be helpful. Your wife obviously wouldn't know how to please a man at this point, but her mother surely would. She could give your wife some quick tips on how to get you off, maybe draw a diagram with stick figures in the various sexual positions or turn on the Discovery Channel to see how the llamas do it. Your mother-in-law could get naked and teach your wife about her body, what goes where, and all of that good stuff. She could take out bananas and show her how to put condoms on, or get a kielbasa and show her how to give you good fellatio. Yeah, it may be a little awkward at first… so what? It's only a one-time deal, and from there on out, you'll be the one reaping all the benefits. Your wife will be amazing in bed, you'll be receiving incredible pleasure for the rest of your life, and it'll be all thanks to your mother-in-law. Like they always say, mother knows best.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
I assume that mothers and daughters in threesomes with random guys was a big enough problem in Bolivia that they had to pass this law? Well, like I mentioned before, there are certain advantages to having your mother in the bedroom with you. Sure, it may screw you up to the point that you'll need constant psychological help for the rest of your life, but sex in the same room or with the same guy as your mother does indeed have it's benefits. Would I do it? Of course not. But I can't speak for anyone else, and I won't condemn or pass judgment on someone else for their sexual preferences. Hell, I've seen midget-bestiality in my day… if I can sit through that and not wish horrible things on them, I think I'm pretty open-minded to other people's sexual desires.
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
Because everyone knows, if you're going to get completely inebriated, it's always handy to have a condom vending machine near by. The beauty of this law is that it doesn't even have anything to do with sex itself… it's just a dumb law concerning what's allowed to come out of vending machines. The way I see it is that when people are drunk, instead of having sex, they should buy their vending machine condoms, fill them up with water, and have water-balloon fights with the bartender and their drunken friends. Maybe you could even blow them up without tying them, then let them go flying all over the room. Who knows, maybe if you happen to be a good looking drunk, then you may actually get laid, in which case the condom will become very important rather than for use of a toy. But let's face it, most alcoholics are drunk because they're either ugly as hell or they feel that their life sucks in some way… which both constitute not getting any sex. Women like good looking men, and they like confidence even more, which doesn't exist in ugly people who's lives are worthless. Oh well, sucks to be them… but at least they still have their spur-of-the-moment condom water-balloons.
Saleswomen are allowed to be topless in Liverpool, England… but only in tropical fish stores.
But of course! You know, if you really think about it, it wouldn't make any sense at all to have topless saleswomen working in a regular fish store. It's just something about those tropical fish… something that makes you think that if show your tits you'll sell more fish. I don't know what it is, maybe it's because they're used to warm water and nipples are soft in warm water. Or maybe it's because when old men buy their tropical fish, they like to have their saleswomen press their breasts up against the glass to see if the fish are scared of such things. It could even be for the benefit of the actual fish themselves… you know, it never hurts to have a topless woman feeding you and cleaning your filter.
This is a mystery I don't think I, nor anyone else, will ever figure out. I suppose God meant this one to be just between the topless saleswomen of Liverpool and their tropical fish.
I hope you found my research of sex around the world to be both informative as well as a major turn on. I'll do my best to find more strange sex laws from around the globe, and when I do, I'll report back to W-D with them. Then we can all masturbate together at the thought of sex with female animals, looking at vaginas only through mirrors, buying tropical fish from a topless saleswoman, and all those other fun things. Oh, but if you live in Indonesia, you may not want to join us… that is, unless you mind being decapitated for reading Whatever-Dude.
AIM: WD ECF
...More Strange Sex Laws Coming Soon!