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Footloose 2.0

posted by Chad on 3/22/02

To date, the 10 degrees of the 80’s has been carried forward by Jen. I think it’s a great theme idea for the site, but I’ve not yet contributed for a variety of reasons. A big part is that I haven’t seen most of the movies we’re planning to review. I thankfully missed most of the 80’s cinematic atrocities by renting video games instead of movies while growing up. However, there’s no way I’m going to let Jen take all the credit for the 10 degrees of the 80’s reviews. Just because it’s her idea, been made possible by her limitless knowledge, and been kept going by her hard work (and Kenn’s time to take the screenshots), none of that means I’m not going to reap some of the praise - I’m invading this 80’s angle with my very own Footloose review. OMG FOUFF 4 LIFE NWO HOLLYWOOD STYLE!!

Problem is, I still haven’t seen this damn movie. So instead of offering a Footloose review as entertainment, allow my story about my attempts to review Footloose be the source of your amusement.

Renting 80’s movies is difficult for me: all the mom-and-pop joints are closed before I wake up, Blockbuster is unable to locate any movie made before 2000, and Rogers always makes me pay late fees on movies that I’ve never rented. There’s good reason why I haven’t done a Drug Movie Review in a while, and it’s not for the lack of weed, I’ll tell ya’ that much.

Anyway, true to movie renting form, finding a copy of Footloose has proved impossible. But where the video stores lack, the internet can replace. Why rent when you can download?

It didn’t take long on Kazaa to find return Footloose results… but it wasn’t the movie coming up. Oh no, it’s the Kenny Loggins music video to the theme song, Footloose. A general rule of thumb over the last ten years is, “the soundtrack is twice as good as the movie” – but this is from the 80’s, well before this rule was formed. While I haven’t seen Footloose, I can’t imagine it’s much worse than this music video.

I’m hoping the entire movie isn’t subjected to the blurred color border that the music video is. If so, then I’m glad I didn’t rent this, as I already take slack every time I pick up a widescreen movie – between “the black bars” and the color blurring shown above, there wouldn’t be much of a picture left to watch on my 13 inch TV.

This entire video is a big dance off, where the kids spin, tap, dance, and of course, jump around like the retard above. Some of them have some pretty nifty moves, but “nifty moves” don’t age well. Instead, “nifty moves” are called “gay” by cutting edge internet journalists like myself.

The dancing is gay.

Whenever somebody pulls off a dance move in this video, the girl pictured above starts screaming. I think it’s screaming out of joy, but I can’t be too sure. I gasped when one guy did a flip… perhaps this is just how she reacts to the same situation while tripping out on the cocaine she snorted earlier. After all, she’s at a dance hall, so she’s most likely ripped on some sort of drug. Whatever her reason may be, it’s eardrum shatteringly painful each and every time she opens her mouth. Man twirls, she screams. Man twists, she screams. Man flips, she screams. Man slips, she screams. FOR THE LOVE OF MY EARS STOP MOVING YOU DUMB FUCKS!!Q~

The song, which we’ve all endured far too many times, is an excellent example of why the 80’s is better left forgotten. It’s a generation without substance, much like the pop-culture we’re subjected to and live with today. Here’s the chorus to this 80’s classic:

Cut loose, footloose.
Kick off your Sunday shoes.
Please, Louise,
Pull me offa my knees.
Jack, get back,
C'mon before we crack.
Lose your blues,
Everybody cut footloose

Its music like that which not only explains the sheer angst of the grunge generation, but also why rock is no longer the relevant force it once was. “Kick off your Sunday shoes?” That’s badass alright. Does anybody actually have names like “Louise” and “Jack” these days? Mental note: don’t make fun of people’s names when yours is “Chad.” As for the notion of dancing to lose your blues, well, here’s a little secret. Guys dance to get fucked, or because they’re fucked up on chemicals. That’s it, no exceptions – especially weddings. If we want to “lose our blues,” we drink. It usually goes like this: has blues, then drinks, then drinks, then drinks, then gets drunk, then begins dancing in hopes to score.

Such a straightforward formula that seems so logical, yet never works. Women, go figure.

Kevin Bacon baby, Kevin Bacon. Scarface here became a big star off of this movie – being famous because he can dance like a jackass while keeping a straight face. Okay, he dances more like a goat than a donkey, but that’s not the point. I’m not sure what the point is, truth be told. It’s time for some deep thoughts…

Online critics like me have a million opinions… but trashing a movie based on the music video is just too easy. It’s time to expect more from the critics you love. It’s time for us writers to put up, or shut up. Not only can I demand for better entertainment, but I can provide it!

Baby take off your shoes!
Now please, on your knees
Take a big swig of my knob cheese!

Hmm… seems a little too graphic in nature to make it in the mainstream. Perhaps my girlfriend can do better:

Put me in a post with you!
But what do, you do?
Now there will be no sex for you!

DAMN! Not only do I watch shitty music videos in attempt to entertain you, but it costs me my sex. I hate the fucking internet. Let’s see if I can turn this trend around with one more go at the chorus:

Honey, I’m sorry,
But please don’t deprive me.
I’m poo, I’ll make it up to you.
Just tell me what you want me to do.

Well, as if this post hasn’t gotten crappy enough… she demands I eat a piece of cake without utensils while she photographs it. Stupid sex, always making me do dumb things. Worse yet, I’m posting the pictures. That camera of mine is going to be the death of me – first, the “fouff = fag!!1” pictures, now this. Here we go…

It’s not easy trying to be a star – the balancing act is costly, and you end up eating food you don’t like. Worse off, you look like a dumbass when you try to keep the peace. Fuck that, I’d rather make fun of celebrities than be one. Kevin Bacon, while I still haven’t seen Footloose, you’ve earned my respect by being in it. Now kick off those Sunday shoes. C’MON, BEFORE WE CRACK!

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