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At First Sight: The Director's Cut
posted by Paul on 2/24/01
INT - MIRA SORVINO'S JOINT - DAY
Mira Sorvino is pissed off.
I'm pissed off. I wish I could get a
man with some INSIGHT, who could SEE
that I offer a lot to the world.
MIRA SORVINO'S FRIEND
You need a massage.
INT - MASSAGE PARLOUR - DAY
VAL KILMER is a masseuse. He's wearing shades and has a
goofy smile. Apparently he's blind. He's massaging a
naked MIRA SORVINO.
Oh, yes, that is the stuff. You can
really SEE what a woman needs.
Who would have thought it. You're
popping a boner, and your hair's so
Er.. nice tits.. You wanna go out some
Despite the fact we have zero
chemistry, I don't SEE why not.
INT - VAL'S HOUSE - DAY
I love you. I've never SEEN a person
like you before. I've been with you
for a bit, time to do my duty as a
woman and attempt to change you. Wanna
I love you too. What were you saying
about my sight? It's fine.. I mean,
I'm blind, but I don't need to see.
For christ sakes, I don't need a white
stick and a guide dog to see that
this script sucks, and regardless of
what I say, we're going to go through
the predictable motions of love,
falling-out, disillusionment and back
to love. So, I'll do what I always do,
look pretty, talk in monotone, and let
the plot device take me on a wild
Wow, that was so touching. I agree.
Let's move in together.
INT. PLACE - LATER
VAL'S over-protective sister is talking to MIRA.
VAL'S OVER-PROTECTIVE SISTER
..Waltz into his life, and think you
can make everything better. Can't be
done. Val is blind to the nuances of
acting and character, and I don't want
someone like you with your fancy
oscars coming in, telling him he can
get better parts.
I was only asking for a soda.
INT - SURGERY - DAY
VAL is reclined in a chair, while doctor types examine
his eyes and MIRA and his over-protective sister look on.
...Nope, you have twenty-twenty
For the last fucking time, this is a
movie, I'm blind, and you're supposed
to cure me. Jesus, this was supposed
to be my oscar-winning, erm, role and
Ok, Val, the surgery was a success.
Enjoy your new breasts.
Wow, Val, how's your restored vision??
Apparently, you'll be able to read
scripts in the future. Won't that be
great? You'll never have to appear in
shit like this again
We get a perspective of Val's new vision. Fuzzy
camerawork suggests that Val can't see for shit, or this
director can't direct for shit. VAL panics
Fuck, I can't see properly. What 's
all that fuzzy shit?
It's the script.
VAL and MIRA are out walking.
It's great to see again. My goodness,
the joys of sight. I can't wait to
see how I looked in "Batman Forever"
Mira Sorvino collapses.
INT - SOME PARTY - DAY
It's a typical movie party. No one is throwing up, the
furniture is intact and yuppie types are walking around
talking amongst each other. VAL and MIRA enter the party.
MIRA walks over to her ex-husband. It's that dude from
the Shining mini-series.
I'm a mean bastard. Unlike Val, I lack
Val, this is my underwritten ex-
So you recover your sight, but lose
your powers of conversation?
I was in The Doors.
Val goes to the bathroom.
Mira and her ex dance. Her ex gives her a friendly kiss.
Val returns and sees it. He's confused, and approaches
Mira and her ex.
I'm confused.. What were you doing
with your mouth touching his, erm,
mouth? Isn't that a little bit off
considering where your mouth's been
Let's go.. You saw nothing, you
confused pseudo-blind prick.
As MIRA and VAL are leaving the party, VAL walks into a
Shit, I need a therapist.
INT - THERAPY ROOM - DAY
VAL is given tips on how to see. Hooray! VAL and MIRA
experience the wonders of life. They go ice-skating, they
stare into each other eyes, they fuck, they eat out, they
try sado-masochism, and everything moves along dandily.
Is that it? Eight fucking dollars to
see a story I could have pulled out of
Not quite. We've been really clever
and put in a little twist..
Shut up?? We're leaving..
The audience make a bee-line for the exit.
No, please stay. I made The Awakenings
and everyone loved that. Please,
please stay. Mira Sorvino gets naked
in the end.
The audience members charge back into their seats.
EXT - CENTRAL PARK - DAY
VAL looks confused. Not strange in itself, but the fuzzy
camera shit returns.
Duh, I must be losing my sight again.
Shit, and to think I was this close to
a Scorsese movie.
INT - VAL'S HOUSE - DAY
VAL and MIRA are standing in the kitchen
I've got something to tell you.
I'm not really Jim Morrison.. I mean,
I'm losing my sight again.
And to think of the amount of time
we've wasted in this movie talking
about sight. What a twist. You never
SAW that one coming. You going blind
It was your fault, bitch. Putting all
that false sense of security into my
Suddenly, Val's possessive sister appears.
VAL'S OVER-PROTECTIVE SISTER
Told you, Val. You were born blind and
stupid. I can undestand that, but she
VAL and MIRA argue, cry, shout, argue, make up and marry.
The moral of the story is: love can
overcome anything, and if you have
insight, depth, and love like Val
here, nothing else matters.
Hurry up and get naked.
Typical finale music plays.
What the fuck? Is that it?
Haha, you dumb assholes I have
manipulated you into seeing my
manipulative, predictable movie. I
have your eight bucks. You may now