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At First Sight: The Director's Cut
posted by Paul on 2/24/01

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FADE IN:

INT - MIRA SORVINO'S JOINT - DAY

Mira Sorvino is pissed off.

MIRA SORVINO
I'm pissed off. I wish I could get a
man with some INSIGHT, who could SEE
that I offer a lot to the world.

MIRA SORVINO'S FRIEND
You need a massage.

INT - MASSAGE PARLOUR - DAY

VAL KILMER is a masseuse. He's wearing shades and has a
goofy smile. Apparently he's blind. He's massaging a
naked MIRA SORVINO.

MIRA SORVINO
Oh, yes, that is the stuff. You can
really SEE what a woman needs.

VAL KILMER
I'm blind.

MIRA SORVINO
Who would have thought it. You're
popping a boner, and your hair's so
impeccable.

VAL KILMER
Er.. nice tits.. You wanna go out some
time?

MIRA SORVINO
Despite the fact we have zero
chemistry, I don't SEE why not.

INT - VAL'S HOUSE - DAY

MIRA SORVINO
I love you. I've never SEEN a person
like you before. I've been with you
for a bit, time to do my duty as a
woman and attempt to change you. Wanna
get..uh..unblind?

VAL KILMER
I love you too. What were you saying
about my sight? It's fine.. I mean,
I'm blind, but I don't need to see.
For christ sakes, I don't need a white
stick and a guide dog to see that
this script sucks, and regardless of
what I say, we're going to go through
the predictable motions of love,
falling-out, disillusionment and back
to love. So, I'll do what I always do,
look pretty, talk in monotone, and let
the plot device take me on a wild
ride.


MIRA SORVINO
Wow, that was so touching. I agree.
Let's move in together.

INT. PLACE - LATER

VAL'S over-protective sister is talking to MIRA.

VAL'S OVER-PROTECTIVE SISTER
..Waltz into his life, and think you
can make everything better. Can't be
done. Val is blind to the nuances of
acting and character, and I don't want
someone like you with your fancy
oscars coming in, telling him he can
get better parts.



MIRA SORVINO
I was only asking for a soda.

INT - SURGERY - DAY

VAL is reclined in a chair, while doctor types examine
his eyes and MIRA and his over-protective sister look on.

DOCTOR
...Nope, you have twenty-twenty
vision.

VAL KILMER
For the last fucking time, this is a
movie, I'm blind, and you're supposed
to cure me. Jesus, this was supposed
to be my oscar-winning, erm, role and
stuff.



DOCTOR
Ok, Val, the surgery was a success.
Enjoy your new breasts.

MIRA SORVINO
Wow, Val, how's your restored vision??
Apparently, you'll be able to read
scripts in the future. Won't that be
great? You'll never have to appear in
shit like this again

We get a perspective of Val's new vision. Fuzzy
camerawork suggests that Val can't see for shit, or this
director can't direct for shit. VAL panics

VAL KILMER
Fuck, I can't see properly. What 's
all that fuzzy shit?

THE DIRECTOR
It's the script.

VAL and MIRA are out walking.

VAL KILMER
It's great to see again. My goodness,
the joys of sight. I can't wait to
see how I looked in "Batman Forever"

MIRA SORVINO
Nooooooooooo!!!!!!

Mira Sorvino collapses.

INT - SOME PARTY - DAY

It's a typical movie party. No one is throwing up, the
furniture is intact and yuppie types are walking around
talking amongst each other. VAL and MIRA enter the party.
MIRA walks over to her ex-husband. It's that dude from
the Shining mini-series.

MIRA'S EX-HUSBAND
I'm a mean bastard. Unlike Val, I lack
insight.

MIRA SORVINO
Val, this is my underwritten ex-
husband.

VAL KILMER
Hi, dude.

MIRA'S EX-HUSBAND
So you recover your sight, but lose
your powers of conversation?

VAL KILMER
I was in The Doors.

Val goes to the bathroom.

MIRA'S EX-HUSBAND
Let's dance.

Mira and her ex dance. Her ex gives her a friendly kiss.
Val returns and sees it. He's confused, and approaches
Mira and her ex.

VAL KILMER
I'm confused.. What were you doing
with your mouth touching his, erm,
mouth? Isn't that a little bit off
considering where your mouth's been
all day?

MIRA SORVINO
Let's go.. You saw nothing, you
confused pseudo-blind prick.

As MIRA and VAL are leaving the party, VAL walks into a
window.

VAL
Shit, I need a therapist.

INT - THERAPY ROOM - DAY

VAL is given tips on how to see. Hooray! VAL and MIRA
experience the wonders of life. They go ice-skating, they
stare into each other eyes, they fuck, they eat out, they
try sado-masochism, and everything moves along dandily.

AUDIENCE
Is that it? Eight fucking dollars to
see a story I could have pulled out of
my ass?

DIRECTOR
Not quite. We've been really clever
and put in a little twist..

AUDIENCE
Shut up?? We're leaving..

The audience make a bee-line for the exit.

DIRECTOR
No, please stay. I made The Awakenings
and everyone loved that. Please,
please stay. Mira Sorvino gets naked
in the end.

The audience members charge back into their seats.

EXT - CENTRAL PARK - DAY

VAL looks confused. Not strange in itself, but the fuzzy
camera shit returns.

VAL KILMER
Duh, I must be losing my sight again.
Shit, and to think I was this close to
a Scorsese movie.

INT - VAL'S HOUSE - DAY

VAL and MIRA are standing in the kitchen

.

VAL KILMER
I've got something to tell you.

MIRA SORVINO
What?

VAL KILMER
I'm not really Jim Morrison.. I mean,
I'm losing my sight again.

MIRA SORVINO
And to think of the amount of time
we've wasted in this movie talking
about sight. What a twist. You never
SAW that one coming. You going blind
again.

VAL KILMER
It was your fault, bitch. Putting all
that false sense of security into my
drug-addled mind.

Suddenly, Val's possessive sister appears.

VAL'S OVER-PROTECTIVE SISTER
Told you, Val. You were born blind and
stupid. I can undestand that, but she
never will.

VAL and MIRA argue, cry, shout, argue, make up and marry.

MIRA SORVINO
The moral of the story is: love can
overcome anything, and if you have
insight, depth, and love like Val
here, nothing else matters.

AUDIENCE
Hurry up and get naked.

Typical finale music plays.

AUDIENCE
What the fuck? Is that it?

DIRECTOR
Haha, you dumb assholes I have
manipulated you into seeing my
manipulative, predictable movie. I
have your eight bucks. You may now
leave.

THE END

Paul
paul@whatever-dude.com