Drug Media: Super Mario Bros.
posted by Chad on 5/02/02
Nintendo. A daunting world of possible reviews await me by opening the door into the world of gaming, for I spent a good portion of my teen years mastering the ways of tossing the joystick into the reset button. Yet despite spending most of my childhood staring at a TV playing Nintendo and its offspring systems, or maybe because of it, I’ve not written a single video game review. But today it begins, and like everything else I do, I’m putting the drug spin on my game playing experiences. If you think I’m going to talk about graphics and sound effects and gameplay... well, then you’ve never read a thing I’ve written before. That’s not how I do things. Summarize? Review? Rate? Fuck that. Let’s get stoned and interact. For future reference, I’m slightly tweaking the “Drug Movie” title to “Drug Media” review, making me your guide to being entertained while high. Doing straight reviews like the plug I did for Moore’s book is okay and all, but let’s be honest: most things are more enjoyable if you do them high. Fouff just wants to have fun.
As for this game article? Where better to begin writing game reviews than with the first home video game we were all addicted to, the Super Mario Brothers. We’ve all played it, we’ve all loved it, and we’ve all beat it. But have you ever sat down and thought about it? Jumping on enemies and hopping over pits is one thing... but what is Super Mario Brothers all about?
Super Mario Brothers is the story of a young Italian midget that has the ability to jump damn high. Sometimes competing with his thinner brother Luigi, Mario eats mushrooms and collects flowers in the hopes of finally bagging a beautiful girl. All of the chicks that put out are guarded by the fire breathing dragons, known as “Bowser” or “the father.” Since the sex is so hard to acquire and there are only 8 girls in existence that would sleep with a midget, Mario settles into a life of picking up loose change in hopes of buying himself a second chance. Mario becomes so sex starved and antisocial that the mere touch of another sobers him up and causes shrinkage, and can even lead to death. Despite the dangers and the sorrow, Mario forever presses on, living off the mere highs of one of my personal favorite drugs, mushrooms.
For those of you that have never downed a handful of magic mushrooms, having Mario doubling in size isn’t exactly untrue. Now my mushroom experiences have never been exactly pure: they’ve always come after some booze and weed. Usually once the casual drug train starts rolling in that fashion, you don’t ask to stop when something as fun as mushrooms come along. That would be rude. While on mushrooms in an already altered state, it feels like you’re the coolest rock star in the best movie ever made. That’s not just a cheesy description; it’s the truth of the fungus. You dig every vibe you can catch, grooving in every stupid storyline you throw yourself into. Romancing with the girlfriend, winning the pool tournament, reflecting on your childhood with your similarly drugged sibling, starting up crazy conversations with complete strangers… there’s no shortage of escapades to be had once the mushrooms take effect.
Nobody knows that better than Mario. While I’m pretty proud of the stupid stoner adventures I land myself in, I ain’t got shit on Mario. Beyond the simple sewer and swimming levels, the creator of this classic cartridge was definitely friendly with the fungus.
Spinning and Jumping Fireballs?
Bullet Shooting Machines?
A Black and White World?
While all of that strange and scary shit above composes much of the world around Mario, there are incredibly glorious moments to offset all the oddities of the Mushroom Kingdom. Some may think of the invincibility offered by the star, or the humors of watching Mario try to swim, but one of my personal favorites (and easiest to animate with a gif) is the flower power-up:
Acquiring the flower is very important, as bringing flowers increases the odds of getting some action. Mario becomes so elated with joy that he begins throwing fireballs at enemies, completely confident in his ability to get laid. Trust me, when you come home with a handful of flowers picked from a neighboring building’s garden, you’ll definitely be spewing a “hot handful” or two. I don’t know if carrying a flower gives Mario the right to wear white pants or not, but hey, chances are, this midget will be getting laid! He can be as cocky as he wants! The only thing better than a flower is… A HEMP PLANT!
When Mario happens to stumble upon a stock of marijuana, he truly gets high. Climbing the beautiful green leaves into coin heaven, Mario runs amongst the clouds collecting coins without fear of any enemies. Truly the dream of any midget, he even mounts atop the hemp plant and does his very own happy dance!
Swing your arms from side to side!
That’s it! You got it now! Do the Mario!
Armed with the best drugs a small Italian midget can manage, Mario pushes forth until he finally rescues a maiden worthy of his seed. After all the work to free the ladies (and himself) from chastity, including fighting a battle to the death against the fire-breathing guardian of her door, the ladies give their thanks:
THOSE BITCHES!! All that work, and when you finally line up a hot chick, save her from the confines of her guardian, and she gives you “a new quest?” WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!! The true moral to the Super Mario Bros. – a short Italian man can achieve a lot, but he just can’t get laid.
Unless, of course, your name is Dave Macchia. To the Italian stallion that runs Whatever-Dude, congrats on the child your wife Jaime should be popping out any day! You’re all growns up big guy! Look what you got: a beautiful wife, a son about to follow in your footsteps, and best yet, A VIDOE GAMEE REVEW 4 UR SITE!! ROXOR!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hit this bowl and begin “a new quest.” Pushing button ‘B’ again…
-Chad “fouff takes one step, and then again. That’s it! You got it now! Do the Mario!”