The Wrestling-Reality Connection: Part 2 of 2
posted by Eric on 5/17/02
People often come up to me and say, "Eric," they say, "I'm baffled and strangely aroused of the glitch in the space-time continuum that you have discovered between the world of professional wrestling and the wide arena of reality… but where did it all start?" I usually reply by saying some generic bullshit like "Wow, great question…" and go on to tell them a little story of one of my all-time favorite wrestlers, Kurt Angle. To further explain the amazing connections that prove my theory, I've decided to share with you the connection that started it all.
There are quite a few Wrestling-Reality Connections between Kurt and myself, most of which people outside of the Pittsburgh area would never have known existed… I'll do exactly what I'm sure you've wanted to know since Outrage debuted, and that is run down the list of what Kurt Angel and his fellow Pittsburgh native Eric Fields have in common…
The Pittsburgh Connection
Anyone who listens to television announcers introduce Kurt Angle, saying where he's from, and has read my staff profile here at Whatever-Dude knows that we both hail from the south-western side of Pennsylvania. The funny thing about Pittsburgh is the fact that Kurt Angle being from here, in all honesty, makes the reality that I live in the "Steel City" just a little more bearable. I'm not overly into other sports like most guys my age are, so the fact that Pittsburgh has three noteworthy sports franchises is of no matter to me. The Steelers and The Pirates are horrible teams who play horrible sports… I know it's unusual for guys with my demographics to disdain football and baseball as much as I do, but it's true. The Penguins, on the other hand, I don't really mind. Hockey isn't a bad sport and I love to take in a game from time to time, and Pittsburgh's Penguins aren't nearly as horrible a team as their 'Burgh sports cohorts. So you understand that Kurt Angle being from the area helps me still living in the area alright. Plus, Angle's at his best when he's performing in front of his hometown because there's so much history with him here and he can have fun with it and everyone else in the area. When the only other celebrity to come out of Pittsburgh who isn't an athlete goes by the name of Christina Aguilara, you grow quite accustomed to being proud of the amateur wrestler who made it big. Now, this connection isn't as much of a big deal as some other notable connections I'll soon share with you, as millions of people do have a tendency to live around here, but it sets the stage for a few important facts that myself and Kurt have in common.
The World Wrestling Entertainment Connection
That's right, World Wrestling Entertainment. It used to be World Wrestling Federation, and deep in all of our hearts it will always be the WWF. But I guess overnight they decided to change the company's name due to the fact that they finally punked out in their long-time battle with the World Wildlife Foundation over using the letters WWF. So one day last week, they released a T-shirt that says "Get the F Outta Here" with a new company logo, and badabing-badaboom, the WWF is no more. Anyway, if this connection isn't obvious, then you're probably one of those little kids who think Santa Claus and Jesus really have the same skin-tone that they do just to make their surrounding situations more comfortably believable for you. If, by any chance, you happen to be that oblivious, I'll go over some basics for you… Kurt Angel performs in live and televised events in the WWE, and I watch him perform in live and televised events in the WWE. Angel is entertaining as hell in the WWE, and I am well entertained by him. Kurt has amazingly catchy entrance music, and I think that he has amazingly catchy entrance music. The list for this one obviously goes on and on, but fuck you if you think I'll go on with it any further… I'm sure that you get the point.
The World Champion Connection
You know, there was a time in my life where I was convinced that these powers I have to realize the very real connections between the pro wrestling world and the real world was a calling to go into sports-entertainment. I seriously felt that there must be a higher power calling me to train my hardest and do everything I could do to penetrate the wrestling circuit… then I realized it was just gas. Before that, though, I started one of those evil backyard wrestling promotions as what I felt would be the first step in achieving my dream. That's right, I was doing all those infamous wanna-be stunts that you've seen in news clips you've probably seen everywhere from Dateline to MTV's News Doc: "I'm a Backyard Wrestler."
At one time, there were about 13 or so people involved in our little death trap. I put those ballsy friends of mine through my own version of hardcore training where we would take turns beating each other with steel chairs and other weapons, then concentrate on learning and putting one another into submission holds, and when we were ready, we graduated to power maneuvers and in-ring chemistry. Shit, we even went through character development in order to fully understand what we were doing. Obviously, we went all out… we actually built a wrestling ring, made costumes, wrote extensive storylines and created original characters, converted our former girlfriends into our managers and their brothers into referees, compiled entrance music and arranged for lighting, and the list goes on. If it needed to be done, we did it. As a result, my parents' basement is lovingly called the Fields Dungeon now, named after wrestling legend Stu Hart's "Dungeon" in Calgary, Alberta where he trained many of today's top wrestling superstars. That little tidbit of information is a Wrestling-Reality Connection in itself.
At any rate, what would a wrestling promotion, backyard or otherwise, be without championship titles? Even though our backyard wrestling promotion was a small operation, we still had four championship titles… the World, the International, the Hardcore, and the Tag Team titles. At one point or another under one of my 3 personas, I held all of them. And for those of you who don't know already what the connection is, it's common knowledge that the one and only Kurt Angle has held many a wrestling titles in his day, as well. Obviously it's a much more well known fact about Kurt's many championship reigns, but even though I only had about 25 or so fans who knew that I was worthy of championship gold, they knew that I was completely worthy of the $35 title belt that I wore around my waste.
The Olympic Champion Connection
USA! What? USA! What? USA!What?
Kurt Angel, since his debut in professional wrestling, has been known as "The Most Celebrated REAL Athlete in the WWF," which he is. He competed in the 1996 Olympic Games and brought home the gold for the United States. You talk about heroes… well in my humble opinion it doesn't get much better than being an Olympic hero. He won the gold medal for amateur wrestling, which lead into his professional wrestling career. Where's the connection, you ask? Well, I never won an Olympic medal, surprise-surprise, but I did flip to the '96 Games from time to time when they were on. Kurt Angel won the 1996 Olympics, and I watched a couple minutes of them. Now try not to misquote me, here… I don't really remember watching Angel, per say, but I do remember some horrid-looking black woman running or something. She must have thought that it was 1802 and her master was chasing her with a whip for stealing the cornbread. You think I'm fucked up? Go check out what your old high school track team is up to these days, that's where you find the real lunatics.
The Three "I"s Connection
Intelligence, Intensity, and Integrity… something that Kurt Angel not only talks about and recommends, but he lives by. He's not the only one, though. That's right, I, Eric F'N Fields, have also been known for my Three "I"s. Check Whatever-Dude's staff page… it says so right there in the Arial font, plain as day, that I practice the Three "I"s. Now, those who know me have said that they are reminded of Kurt Angel when reading anything that I've written, articles, forum entries, e-mails, grocery lists, or otherwise in the Intelligence and Integrity departments. And as far as Intensity goes, well, you need only go so far as to ask 90% of the W-D staff who makes them squeal like a pig in heat when the bedroom politics are afoot. Oh, it's true.
The T-Shirt Connection
Looks like these two morose mother-fuckers right here
have the same keen fashion sense… oh, it's true. It's true.
As you can see above, Kurt Angle and I both own a variety of the WWE’s Kurt Angle brand T-shirts. I mean, what are the odds of that!? Both he and I seem to look absolutely great in gray, and the red, white, and blue highlights seem to bring out not only our collective patriotism, but our eyes as well. I can't speak for Kurt, but… have you ever seen those Girls Gone Wild videos advertised on TV? Well, that product is a direct result of what happens when women see me in public wearing my "It's True, It's True" T-shirt. And that, my friends… is true.
The Wheaties Connection
Kurt Angel was once on the cover of Wheaties, after he won his Olympic gold. I once tried to eat a bowl of Wheaties, then got the diarrhea. I soon after went back to eating Fruit Loops, and assuming from the way they taste, Angel did the same. Actually, I bet now he wishes that he could have replaced Tu-can Sam for a couple months as the Fruit Loops cover character… because nothing beets a good bowl of Fruit Loops. That's what makes for a good Olympic champion anyway, if you asked me. Fuck your Wheaties and Healthy Choice, fuck your Total and Special K… I get the feeling that those fruity O's are the ticket to fame and fortune.
The Pizza Outlet Connection
After Kurt Angle won his Olympic gold, people often asked him what he would set out to do next. He had a major national and local celebrity status going for himself, but seemingly nothing to do with it. The logical thing was obviously to cash in on any shitty company who asked you to be a spokesperson, and that he did with Pizza Outlet. The thirty-second spot featured our Olympic hero with a number of animated meats and veggies, singing and dancing about how great Pizza Outlet was. The big finale was that Angle, recreating the scene that took place after winning at the Olympics, cried and talked about how great his new little cartoon friends were. I guess when you look at things like this it was destiny that Angle would go into sports-entertainment, because his sense of humor was obviously always present. Anyway, I had the privilege of watching this piece of comedic genius for a good few months before football season rolled around and Pittsburgh Steeler Jerome Bettis, much like Kurt Angle, took advantage of his local celebrity and got some bling-bling with the help of Pizza Outlet. His spot didn't hold a candle to how great Angle's was, though. If I recall correctly, it said something about getting on 'The Bus' (his nickname) and going to Pizza Outlet. This may have been alright, but Jerome ended up using the same exact line over the years for medical insurance and public transportation commercials. Unoriginal bastard. At any rate, Angle's commercial was so great in a such a bad way that it was used a few years after it was made on a broadcast of RAW from Pittsburgh in hopes to embarrass him… when, in my opinion, all it did was remind his hometown fans how great he truly is.
The Local News Connection
After that Pizza Outlet commercial, Angle must have realized that he wasn't going to be satisfied paying the bills by helping to promote a small chain of pizza shops. He was an Olympic champion, for Christ's sake. Kurt deserved to be doing something of respectable status for the rest of his life. So he did what anyone in that position would do… he became a local news anchor. For maybe a month or so, Kurt Angle worked for the local Fox News channel reporting on the sports world. Now, as I mentioned in the Pittsburgh Connection, I'm no huge fan of sports. Imagine how pathetic I thought it was that a one-time respectable Olympic gold medallist was now doing the news… and the saddest thing about it is the fact that he sucked at it. I'd often watch the news and be too lazy to change the channel when the sports came on, so I did bare witness to Angle's horrible sports reports night after night. Top that off with the fact that our local Fox News, at the time, was the worst of all the local news channels. Shit, the only reason that I watched those broadcasts in the first place was because it was a period in my life where I didn't want to go along with the popular crowd or their opinions… so I watched shitty news for a year. At any rate, I guess some advance advice for any future Olympians out there would be that they'd better not expect a great job after they participate at the games, even if they win, unless they practice the Three "I"s and plan to make it big in sports-entertainment. Oh, it's true.
The Jewish Doctor Connection
I have what a lot have called one of the best doctors in Pittsburgh. I sure as hell think so, anyway. He's a Gastrointerologist, which means he's a "stomach doctor" for the readers out there who aren't up on their medical terminology. No worries though, because there are some people out there, such as W-D's own Fouff, who's only medical term they understand is medical marijuana. At any rate, back to my Jewish doctor… because this man is so praised in the medical community, he gets to go all over the world attending all of these medical seminars and all that. As one of his perks, he got to meet and work out with "Pittsburgh's Olympic Hero" Kurt Angel a few times. Just for the record, when I became a patient of his, he became a wrestling fan… every time I go in for an appointment or what have you, my doctor and I spend an equal amount of time discussing my health as we do talking about wrestling… which lead to me getting the chance to hang out with Kurt Angel once. Well, getting the OFFER to anyway.
This was around the time Angel had just signed with the WWE a few years ago, and the only thing I really knew about him was that he won an Olympic gold medal for amateur wrestling and that he was from Pittsburgh… oh, and the fact that old school news reporter Mike MiCasa had a goofy mother-fucking looking picture of him from the Olympics up for like 2 months after he signed his pro wrestling contract. Besides that, I was reading everywhere that Kurt was having a really hard time at the WWE's training camp, as far as his in-ring persona was concerned, and at that point, he was in dark matches wrestling Pitbull #2 and The Spider Maniac. At any rate, because of my knowledge of him at the time and what I thought would be a short-lived career, and as an act of amazing stupidity, I politely turned down my doctor's offer to meet Kurt Angel. At the time, Angel knew of his doctor friend's patient who was a "die-hard, life-long, wrestling fanatic." Kurt apparently thought it would be cool to hang out with and discuss pro wrestling, and possibly even learn something about a fan's point of view, from someone like myself for a day or two. What I like to think of now as one of the most moronic decisions I've ever made, I turned down Kurt's offer that came through a call from my doctor.
Now that Kurt Angel is at the top of the professional wrestling world and has become one of my all-time favorites, to say I regret my decision now would be a great understatement. I feel like I was overpowered then fucked in the ass by the dominatrix midget. However, to make up for my past idiocy, my doctor has made arrangements for me to meet with Kurt sometime when his schedule clears up for a couple weeks and he has some free time at home. At the level his popularity has skyrocketed to, though, I don't see it happening anytime soon. Anyway, if you didn't catch it simply because you were in awe of my stupidity, the connection is that Kurt Angel has become friends with my friend, who happens to be Jewish as well as being my doctor.
The Mercy Hospital Connection
While Angle was given life at Pittsburgh’s
Mercy Hospital, I was anally violated.
A couple years ago during a match with The Rock on RAW from Pittsburgh, PA, which coincidentally turned out to be his first loss by pin-fall, Kurt Angel picked up the microphone in the middle of the match. While thousands of people from the same hometown as his marked out for The Rock, Angel "begged and pleaded" for the fans of Pittsburgh to get behind their hometown Olympic hero. In one of his pleas, Angel dropped the bombshell that probably only half of the fans in the Igloo understood and no one else anywhere knew what he was talking about. He made the announcement that he was born in Mercy Hospital. I too have a connection to Mercy Hospital. I wasn't born there, but I did have a colonoscopy there a few years back.
A colonoscopy, for those who aren't familiar with this dreaded medical procedure, is a test to basically see what your intestines look like… FROM THE INSIDE. That's right, if The Rock were to tell me to go get a skinny, 4-foot plastic tube with a mini-camera attached to it… shine it up real nice… keep shining it… then turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up my candyass, I'd tell him "No thanks, Rock, I've already done that a few times actually. I'd rather not do it again, if you don't mind. Would you pose for a picture with me and can I have your autograph? Please?"
The doctor who did that to me was not my Jewish amigo I have now, oh no… it was some old Islamic dude with a unibrow. What it is about old foreign doctors working in the US when many their own people are constantly near death, I do not know. It's got to be the money… the bling-bling is a powerful thing, ya heard? Anyway, what I do know is this… while about 35 years ago something came out of Mrs. Angel's vagina at Mercy Hospital, about 6 years ago, something went up my ass.
There you have it, the 11 Wrestling-Reality Connections that started it all… and aside from my personal genius and life experiences, we all have Kurt Angle to thank for it. Now, I challenge you to recognize your own Wrestling-Reality Connections and send examples of them my way so I can take this theory and make a mildly popular cult to do my evil bidding. Bwahahaha!!1 E-mail me or go represent at the Whatever-Dave Forums and you'll be awarded a cookie that, according to the fine people of China, will tell you what your future holds. That's a whole other space-time continuum issue that I have no doubt will surely be worth your efforts.
Before I put an end to this piece of scripted brilliance, let's figure out who is to blame for my being so fucked up today that I would have the balls to expose the fact that I came up with a theory that will no doubt shake the world to it's core… First, all you mother fuckers who don't listen to Bob Barker. I mean, the man only reminds you to get your pets spayed or neutered every damn day, but apparently that's not enough. He says YOU should help control the pet population… you, not everyone except for you. You'd better fucking recognize. And then there's MTV. Fucking MTV who makes everything crappy into crappy television and everything real into reality television. They created that medium, though, and I'm willing to say that they're still the best at it… but fuck me if I could go through one day in my life not thinking of Puck's finger in Pedro's peanut butter or Devin going from fingering Emily in the Winnebago to being the new spokesperson for K-Swiss. I want my K-Swiss like I want some young, white country girl pussy… indeed. Taking off from MTV would be TLC, and the old school R&B world. No one could break down a rap in a horrible song like Left-Eye, and I'll miss that… for real. DAWG!!1 We can't forget about the fine makers of my favorite pain killer, Percocet, either. I ask you… is there any sin quite as divine as a good dose of pain numbing chemicals? Also, big shout out to everyone involved with the Spiderman film adaptation. That movie was so fucking good that I had to see it twice and incorporate that infamous quote that ended the film somewhere in my writing because the Fouffster already laid claim to writing a feature article on it. Fuck you, Fouff, your day will come… long and hard… I promise. But about that quote… did you catch it, true believers? Obviously, another big factor in this whole debacle is the one and only Kurt Angle. Oh, it's true… it's true. Without Angle, my hometown of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania would be… well, the pits. And last, but not least, there's Vince McMahon. I've built this man up to be a god in my mind, because my entire reality is surrounded tightly by his imagination. If it not for professional wrestling, what tool would I have to measure my reality by? That's what I thought. Of course there are plenty of other factors that are also to blame for me being as deranged as I am… but this should cover it for today.
-Eric F'N Fields
Did you read the Wrestling Reality Connection in reverse? The second verse was not the same as the first, you silly fuck, so go read Part One of The Wrestling-Reality Connection!!