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Strummin’ on da ol’ banjo

posted by Half the W-D Staff on 5/31/02

Yeah, I was going to do a comic based on myself (like Fouff told me to do) but I realized who has the whole dignity thing and who doesn't. So, I did this little thing. (Ha, that sentence makes me think of Fouff.) Enjoy the rest of this article...I'm not going to read it because I only wanted to see my kick-ass artwork. This site sux!1


Playing the skin flute. Polishing the bishop. Dancing with the right hand man. Whacking off. Jerking off. Jacking off. Beating off. Spanking the monkey. Charming the snake. Buttering the corn. Hugging the hog. Choking the chicken. Milking the cow. Slamming the salmon. Rub one out. Break one off. Bust a nut. Fist fuck. Wank. Alone time. Taking matters into your own hands. Masturbation.

Call it what you want, I call it a good time.

Masturbation has more synonyms than teenage boys have momma jokes, yet the topic of self gratification is never discussed. The joys of sex and blow jobs are well documented and praised appropriately, but the benefits and glory of masturbation are never shared. Why is this? Embarrassment? Guilt? Luckily, this is the internet, where those emotions never seem to occur, so W-D wankers Matthew, Mickey, Eric, and of course, myself (Chad), have no qualm in sharing our deep dark creamy white stories and secrets.

A lot of people don’t know this, but masturbation can be used to increase sexual activity. I’m already in a relationship, and as any guy can tell you about relationships, there’s never enough sex. Never. But if your relationship ever hits the point where you think the lack of sex has reached unfair proportions, then there is a way. Instead of just masturbating the blue balls away, drop your goop on her side of the bed, right where she sleeps. That way, the next time she crawls into bed, she’ll quickly find out that your sexual appetite isn’t being fed enough. And by communicating this through fist fucking instead of words or cheating, her ego is left intact and she gives you what you really want: sex, and more inspiration for future masturbation.

Just like drugs, McDonald’s hamburgers, gambling, sour candy, and whistling, masturbation can become an adDICtion. Men have never been one to control their sexual urges – indeed, our sexual urges often control us. The need for sex is all consuming, and masturbation is the way to relieve and release the hormones that clog our mind. But beware, for masturbation isn’t without a downside.

I don’t know if this is a sleep disorder with a corresponding 18 syllable word, or if I’m the only victim, but I can’t fall asleep until I get off. I’ll lie in bed for hours, tossing and turning, staring at the clock and counting “tick… tick… tick….” It’s like the reverse of Pavlov’s dog: when I crawl naked in between those sheets, my body is subconsciously waiting for me to begin self gratification. When the hand action doesn’t come (or doesn’t produce cum), I can’t sleep. I’m just a dog waiting in bed drooling until the meat treat can be beat. The only solution to this masturbation-sleep connection is to either a) get laid; or b) get high and pass out.

My name is Chad, and I have a drug habit.

-Chad / fouff / that horny asshole

Now, don't get me wrong; I never had a high opinion of Chad anyway. This is the same guy whose best claim to notoriety is masturbatory experimentation with Gold Bond powder; he's not exactly Nelson Mandela. That said, of all the things that the estimable talents of the Whatever Dude conglomerate could be spent on, Chad suggests the one thing he knows, his veritable 'money shot': masturbation. He's like the one trick pony, though, knowing Chad, he has probably knows more ways to please himself sexually than a sushi chef knows how to cut a fish. So, regrettably, I will further Chad's mania about jerking off by adding my two cents, dragging the rest of the site into his perverse mire...

So, what's the big deal? No, really? I cannot imagine a more silly topic to get 'worked up' about. One of the main issues I have with humanity is the frankly insane tendency to damn as sin harmless, victimless crimes. And is there anything, and I do mean anything, with less victims than masturbation? Masturbation, whether for pleasure or emotional consolation or pure necessity, is like playing checkers: who gives a shit?

Besides, what some people (ok, women) don't seem to fully comprehend is the very necessity of masturbation for guys. Any man, past puberty, who does not receive regular, and I mean quite regular, sex, has to masturbate to keep his sanity, or, at the very least, to keep from having 'nocturnal emissions' other words, nutting all over one's bed. Even without that pleasant biological spasm to look forward to, a guy who has not had any type of sexual release for any considerable period of time is one angry, on-edge, possibly homicidal bastard. I would compare it to a constant, low-simmering steroid rage. If you take the average man and take away masturbation for a couple months, you will likely have an experimental subject who would punch a nun for looking at him the wrong way.

Furthermore, masturbation has its genetic and health benefits, as well. When a man has the option of regulating his sexual overload, the constant production of sexual hormones and genetic material, he has the option of using increased discretion when it comes to his bi-partner sexual adventures. Without masturbation, the human gene pool would go straight to hell, with the least attractive, most unpleasant, most annoying women being saddled with hundreds of starving sexual partners. This is, of course, not to mention how catastrophically STD infection would increase...tenfold, twentyfold, thirtyfold? It would be a disaster.

So, in other words, opponents of "masturbation," fanatical religionists, ultra-feminists, social conservatives, and the rest of you inhuman circus freaks, realize that it is not only a necessity, but, also, a great boon to human civilization.


Well, knowing my colleagues as I do, my guess would be that you have been hearing some dreadful tales about them treating their bodies like so many amusement parks. I therefore think it is my responsibility to point out the reasons to restrain from masturbation. I am not going to tell you it gives you warts on your fingers, or makes your eyesight fail, or stunts your growth, or leads to insanity, or anything like that. Those are medical facts, and while unfortunate in themselves, they are not reasons to keep one’s hands off oneself- they are simply the consequences of failing to do so.

I believe are three compelling arguments against masturbation. I will go through them one at a time.

1. Sexual Life in the Western World at the beginning of the 21st Century is fully functional.

I don’t think any reasonable person is going to dissent from this. It is not like it is a problem for anybody to find a partner who is absolutely up his or her alley. I am unaware of any instances of anybody being too old, too young, too overweight, too ugly, or too shy, to find sexual gratification wherever and whenever and in the precise form he or she desires with a beautiful and willing partner. Consequently, only a vicious and unnatural person would even contemplate auto-pleasure. Any protestations to the contrary by W-D staff members in this post can be dismissed as so much special pleading.

While I was writing the paragraph above, the Frank Sinatra song, “Strangers in the Night” came on the radio and I was reminded not just of the inherent ease of erotic life, but of the connection between the song and Sarah Whatshername Gellar’s latest project. I don’t know off of the top of my head which Frank Sinatra album “Strangers in the Night” is from but I know it came out during the early-to-mid 1960s and was a big hit at the time. If you don’t know the song, Old Blue Eyes is giving us his take on the mating rituals of the period, so he sings:

Strangers in the night
Exchanging glances
Wondering in the night
What were the chances
We’d be sharing love
Before the night was through

And is Old Blue Eyes about to strike out? His chances of sharing love before the night was through can be calculated as pretty close to 100%, especially since something in the eyes of his chosen conquest was “so inviting.” And so it comes to pass.

And ever since that night
We’ve been together
Lovers at first sight
In love for ever
Things turned out so right
For strangers in the night

The really famous bit of the song comes after this, though, when Frank is just so happy with the way everything has turned out that instead of singing any actual lyrics about the satisfactory outcome to the sexual negotiations he had entered into, he lays down a bit of scat instead.

Do be do be do
Ba da da de da

Well, anyway, this is the way it was heard by the anonymous person who used this phrase in a noted piece of bathroom graffiti from the period.

“To do is to be”- Descartes
“To be is to do”- Voltaire
“Do be do be do”- Frank Sinatra

But is that what Sinatra actually sings? I put it to anyone who has a copy of the song in the question somewhere at the back of their parent’s collection of vinyl to see if Frank’s attack on the nonsense syllables, at least one time through, can not be heard as him singing:

Scoo be do be do

Or, simply,

Scooby Dooby Doo

Now what can be more likely than that when the writers of the original Scooby-Doo series were racking their brain for a name for the talking-dog hero of their proposed series about a bunch of teenaged sceptics, one of them thought back on the Chairman of the Board’s big hit (which, of course, was then far less distant in time) and said, “Why don’t we call him …” As far as I am concerned, that is where Scooby’s name came from. As for anyone contemplating solitary sexual gratification, I would advise them to take a leaf from the Frank Sinatra songbook and become a stranger in the night, constantly on the lookout for those inviting eyes, and Bob will be your uncle, whatever that means.

The only problem I can see with this is if you happen to be titillated by the thought of masturbation, which I admit is a possibility, since people get turned on by all sorts of weird things. In that case, all I can counsel you to do is to think about jerking-off while having sex. While it may seem like an inadequate substitute, at least you will know that your body has remained a temple.

And if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids I would have been sharing love before the night was through

2. Masturbation is against God.

Don’t just take my word for it. When I am not out indulging in all kinds of prolific and meaningless sexual encounters with other promiscuous strangers (see point 1), I like to settle down with the Good Book, and if you haven’t blown the dust off the Old Family Bible as often as I have, then you too would know that the unnatural practice of self-pleasure is verboten under the terms of God’s Holy Law. Allow me to draw your attention to Genesis, Chapter 8, verses 7-10.
7. And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.

8. And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

9. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

10. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD; wherefore he slew him also.

There you have it. Any improper use of seed, and in particular spilling it on the ground, a constant hazard in masturbation, is clearly a sin at least equivalent to being wicked in the eyes of the Lord, and renders you subject to a summary death penalty. God’s word is eternal and unchanging, so be particularly careful about having a wank if you should be called upon to impregnate your sister-in-law. I am not worried about kittens, man, I am worried about you!

While I am not aware of any biblical texts prohibiting female masturbation, I feel this can only have been an oversight, and female readers will surely agree that any sexual activity whatsoever that is not for the express purpose of procreation is a sinful abomination.

3. Masturbation is a painful and unpleasant activity.

Why do you think they call it self abuse? That just can’t be an accident. I am sure it must feel just awful, not to mention messy when apparatus like gold bond powder, whatever that it, becomes involved.


Masturbation is one of those things in life that we don't really talk about outside of people we're sexually involved with or with friends in a humorous manner, but it's something that almost all of us do. It's the ultimate sexual adventure that allows us to live our every desire without getting up from the comfort of your bed, chair, couch, shower, dumpster, or big giant tires you can crawl in at the neighborhood playground. We fantasize, watch and look at pornography, have cyber/phone sex with partners from around the world, and do literally anything we can do to release all of that sexual energy we tend to build up.... all for the sake of self-gratification. It's the ultimate reality of the state of mind "if
it feels good, do it
." Some people say that it's dirty... but I say it's natural. So what if natural things happen to be a little dirty? You ever take herbal medicine? That shits made out of plants and grass... you know what dogs do on plants and grass? They shit and piss all over it. And watch the fucking wildlife shows on Animal Planet and The National Geographic Channel... if those animals can masturbate, you'd better damn well believe that's what they do with a good portion of their day. It's the same for people... we can do it, so we can. No harm, no foul... only a big dopey looking grin on our faces a few minutes after our decision to get a little freaky with ourselves.

Self-pleasure is also a great way to improve self-confidence. You can get in touch with our body by learning what you like and how you like it. It's actually the factor that made me realize that I was ready for sex... I thought "Shit, I'm so good at this I think someone else deserves a turn. Giddy-up, girls, giddy-up." In addition to sexual tutorials and pornography, I'd say that masturbation is right up there with the best ways to educate yourself about sexuality. Also, it gives you additional room to explore your deepest and darkest desires. Things that you wouldn't tell anyone about, but things that you lust over... like star of the Golden Girls, Betty White, bent over the back of a pickup truck while you're wearing a straw hat and nut-huggers. That's all completely hypothetical, of course... seriously.

There was a great sequence in the Kevin Smith film Dogma about masturbation between Chris Rock and Jason Mewes that I'd like to share with you to prove a

Chris: See, your exploits, no matter how indene, are well documented in Heaven... probably Hell, too.
Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me...
Chris: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows...
Chris: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
Jay: ... Dude, not all the time.

"Oooohh, I wanna suck yous guys dicks off!!"

I feel that conversation is a perfect example that masturbation is an entity that is completely private that allows you to fulfill your sexual wants and needs, even if you're the only one in the world who will ever really know what you want. If you’re too embarrassed to live out your fantasies in the real world, you can stay in the closet and pleasure yourself to all those sick and demented desires that you have... and we all know that you have them. And the great thing about it is that it's perfectly fine. No one will judge you, no one will laugh at you, and depending on how fucking sick you are, no one will convict you. It's like Willy Wonka and theChocolate Factory... some friends of mine at Whatever-Dude, Fouff and Paul, insist that the movie is the perfect drug movie. While I partly agree with that, I'd also like to bring up the very adult themes
and sexual overtones that are intermingled throughout the film. As an example, here are the lyrics to what I like to call the official theme song of self-gratification, Pure Imagination...

Come with me, and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.
Take a look, and you'll see into your imagination.
We'll begin, with a spin, traveling in the world of my creation.
What we'll see will defy explanation.
If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.
Anything you want to, do it.
Want to change the world, there's nothing to it.
There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination.
Living there you'll be free, if you truly wish to be.

It you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it... I've got the midgets giving head to the Easter Bunny to your left, and the old women in dominatrix outfits whipping three-year old boys to your right. Take your pick.

If that isn't a blatant invitation for people to get nasty by themselves by unleashing their deepest sexual desires, I don't know what is. In some cases, really living in a world of pure imagination, at least sexually, is better than acting it out in reality... it doesn't hurt anyone or anything, and it gives you complete freedom to fulfill your fantasies with no one to answer to besides yourself. That's really what life is all about, anyway. Pleasing yourself by living out your sickest fetishes without killing anyone in the process... that, and reading pop culture websites. That's all you need, really.

In my mind, one of the worst things in the world is when all you want is to jerk off... and there's nothing to aid you in your quest. You've got a headache and you can't properly fantasize. You don't have time to access the Internet, so you can't browse through the world’s biggest adult library. You don't have any porn magazines laying around anywhere, so you can't flip through the pages of Penthouse. There's nothing desirable on television, so you're stuck to just watching infomercials and convincing yourself
that the woman trying to sell you a juicer, hair removal cream, or workout equipment really is a fine piece of ass that you'd love nothing more than to do naughty things with.

Is masturbation something to be embarrassed about? Well, that seems to be the popular opinion... but why? Personally, I find it very sexy to hear a girl confess to pleasuring herself, and loving every second of her self-stimulation. I remember in high school, my friends and I would educate ourselves about female masturbation by talking to all of the girls at our lunch table about what they did to themselves while they were trying to reach orgasm... how they did it, when they did it, and what they did it with. The ultimate feeling of manhood I had while eating the nauseating cafeteria food during my sophomore year is when two of the most attractive girls that we sat with, who just so happened to be two really good friends of mine at the time, confessed to everyone of my friends that when they pleasured themselves, they thought of me and the things they'd like me to do to them. There's no way to really describe how you feel when you know that you're a prime player in a girl's fantasy file... knowing that she lusts deeply for you. a result, those two became prime players on my fantasy file and I later had relationships with both of them. During the relationships, we had phone sex through describing in explicit detail what our fantasies were. I even shared my first "triple-kiss" with them as well as one of the very personal gifts that they gave me to celebrate my birth when I turned 17. How can something so amazing be so wrong? I just don't understand it.

I suppose at this point, it's obvious that I'm all for a healthy wanking on a regular basis... but I'm going to think back to a time when it wasn't a regular habit or ritual. When jerking off didn't come as naturally to me as wiping my ass. Thinking back on it, I believe that the first time that I ever pleasured myself I was in the 8th grade. I had just been dating this girl for a couple months, and got the feeling that our relationship was going to be advancing to the next level. Not advance sexual intercourse, but more like intermediate sexual acts with each others hands and if I was lucky, our mouths. I had talked to a few friends about it, one who I had grown up with and started getting some action at the beginning of our 8th grade year. He had been telling me how awesome it was getting a hand-job from his girlfriend, and how I'd be addicted. In talking to his girlfriend, who was the cum-lovin' whore of the junior high, she said that she was addicted to it because she liked to make him come. She liked to feel like she did her job as the girlfriend, and she liked to know that she could get her man off at any given time. Everything that those two had been telling me about their adolescent sexual antics reminded me that I'd never been overly sexually involved with anyone before... at which point I came to the realization that I had never had an orgasm before. That realization would change my world forever.

I decided that before my girlfriend and I started thinking about fooling around, I'd better make sure that I could ejaculate... and this would mean trying to masturbate. It was a warm, rainy evening in the spring, and I designated my parent’s bathroom as the place where I'd pop my cherry. They had a big bathtub, so I figured that I could make like I was taking a bath and give myself the needed time and atmosphere that one deserves while popping his cherry. I recall arousing myself by thinking about some hardcore action that I wished to have with some sexy celebrities, and I grabbed my joystick and started playing the game. It was taking a lot longer than I had expected it to, so I decided to go at it double-time... twice as fast, and twice as hard. By the time I was nearing my first orgasmic experience, the water was splashing all over the bathroom and I
was gyrating my body as if I was Ron Jeremy giving a good dose of the old man-meat to some unsuspecting yet grateful sexy young thang. After I had reached the point of no return, I let my puddle of love rest all over the sides of my parents' shower tile until I could catch my breath and reflect on what I had just done.

After that infamous night, I've had many amazing sexual experiences with myself... and though I'm in a relationship, I still find the need to continue my self-manipulation on a very regular basis. As everyone knows, guys can never have enough sex, so masturbation will no doubt continue to be one of my best friends until my sex drive dies down. Hopefully that won't be for a while, though, because I'm coming to believe that it's helping me in another aspect of my life... playing video games. My hand-eye coordination has improved a great deal over the past decade thanks to looking at porn while playing the fiddle, and I've beaten countless video games as a result. So the way I see it, any way you slice it - masturbation is swell.

-Eric Fields

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