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More Strange Sex Laws!

posted by Eric on 6/18/02

Half of the population of Guam hates me with a passion. Iíve apparently been banned from ever visiting Columbia. My life has been threatened by the Lebanese mob... and yes, there is, in fact, a Lebanese mob. But whyís everybody hating on me? Because of the simple joy I take in digging up strange sex laws around the world. One would think that researching and exposing these sex laws is an innocent enough thing to do, but my first edition of ďStrange Sex Laws Around the World!Ē continues to stir up drama among Whatever-Dudeís loyal readers and random visitors on what seems to be a daily basis.

But still, I persist. I refuse to quit giving people the chance to learn about and understand the way people from around the globe get busy when theyíre making with the love. I mean, if thereís anything in the world that we deserve to know about, Iíd think it would be strange sex laws. Sure, most people are experimental enough in the bedroom that theyíll eventually figure out that they could have tons of fun by looking at a vagina only by seeing its reflection through a mirror, that a man could really get off by sleeping with a mother and daughter at the same time, or that he could pursue a full-time job by becoming a man-whore and cherry popper, but then I wouldnít have the personal satisfaction of knowing that something I did really helped another fellow human being. Shit, besides, Iím still trying to work off all the hours that I pledged to Nickelodeonís Big Help Ď93. I figure instead of recycling or volunteering at a local shelter after a disaster, Iíd become an educator of sexual deviance. At least this way I can get off in the process of all my good-doing.

At any rate, this time around Iím focusing most of my sexual research on the good olí U.S. of A. My first article on these blessed laws let you know what you can and canít do if, say, you went on vacation overseas. Though I do plan to throw in some of my favorite foreign sex laws as well, I think itís time that we look in our own backyard, and figure out exactly how far we can go before we can be prosecuted because of our love for the sexually bizarre and unusual. Itís time that we open the floodgates of fantasy and fetish once again. Itís time for more strange sex laws!

In Oregon, there is a law against a husband talking dirty in his wife's ear during sex.

Man, fuck Oregon. Iíll never move there. Hell, Iíll never even visit. Thereís nothing better than when youíre banging your bitch than to grunt obscene phrases to her, telling her whatís up. Itís like taking the ďFUCKĒ out of ďFUCKINGĒ. I wonder, though, if this law only applies to married couples? Maybe all of those people who you see every day on television that complain about their lackluster sex life with their spouse live in Oregon. Imagine preparing for the yearly family vacation, and the best part of the holiday is getting out of fucking Oregon and being able to get nasty in the hotel bedroom. Then again, thatís definitely not a good idea if children are in the next queen size bed next to yours. Once when I was younger, and we were driving to Florida for a vacation at Walt Disney World, my family stayed over at a Days Inn just outside of Atlanta, Georgia. All I remember about that night is that my brother and I were sleeping in one bed, and my parents in the other... and HBOĎs Tales from the Crypt was on. My brother, who had fallen asleep, and I were supposed to be watching that. Always curious about everything going on around me, though, I remember glancing over at my parentsí bed and my dad was nothing more than a big bump under the covers, and my motherís eyes were wide open. She looked like she was in pain. Next thing I know, she noticed me looking and screamed ďWATCH TV, ERIC, WATCH THE DAMN TV!!ď God only knows what my parents were doing in the same room as their two young children... and obviously, that memory has stayed with me. Man, fuck Oregon... fuck itís famous trailís ass.

Another jewel from Oregon is the fact that itís illegal to have oral sex there because it is considered to be degrading to both sexes.

Again I say, fuck Oregon. Imagine a world without oral pleasure...itíd be like, well, a world without oral pleasure. You want to talk about degrading to both sexes? Letís talk about ugly people. Letís talk about bad parents. Letís talk about mother fucking Lifetime: Television for Women. But not fellatio. If anything, a little oral adventure is empowering to both sexes... youíre taking a personís most sensitive and delicate areas into your mouth, and giving them the ultimate pleasure. How could something so right be so wrong? By the way, a big shout out to W-D reader Steve Ryan for bringing that moronic law to my attention, and forever imbedding my never-ending hatred for the state of Oregon.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish.

But apparently, itís perfectly fine for him to give all of his manhood to said live fishís dead friend. I guess that people in Minnesota do have a heart when it comes to torturing a poor, helpless fish. God knows that inserting oneís penis into the gills of an unsuspecting trout is far greater than the pain thatíll have when you trick the little bastard into eating a sharp hook, in turn, ripping the sumbitchís throat and mouth all to hell. Also, note that this law doesnít make mention of women... so I assume because of that, that women can fuck a fish, dead or alive. Just like that Bon Jovi song. Hey, wouldnít it be sexy if a woman fucked two fish, one dead, one alive, all while said Bon Jovi song was cranking in the background? Someone should tape that and sell it on e-Bay. Iíd buy it... for a friend, of course. Really.

We love to fuck fish, Dead or Alive...

In Pennsylvania, there is a law against having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.

If you could only see some of the truck drivers that call Pennsylvania home, youíd wonder why itís not illegal to have sex with truck drivers at any location. Mullets, faded tattoos, hairy, toothless, trashy, dirty, and hillbilly are all adjectives commonly used when describing PAís road warriors in the trucking genre. Some of the same terms are also used to describe Pennsylvania area Best Buy customers, but unfortunately, there are no laws to my knowledge prohibiting making fuck to those bastards in their trailers. But shit, as long as thereís no law against having sex with an ice cream man in my home state, Iíll be perfectly happy. God bless him and the way he uses that hot chocolate of his.

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

I think that itís just a shame that this was a big enough problem that it had to be made into a law. Iíll grant you the fact that a member of Nevadaís Legislature doesnít have what most would call the most appealing or exciting job in the world, but to have to dress up like a big cock to help you pass the hours by a little faster is just sad. Imagine that some concerned citizen in the state of Nevada had a major problem and had to go see a member of legislature... and the secretary says ďOh yes, Mr. Wallace is in today and IĎm sure heĎll be happy to help you in any way he can. His office is down the hall to the left, and today, I believe heĎs sporting his big black dick outfit, so you canĎt miss him.ď Then again, itís just official business. So I guess those members of Nevadaís Legislature could just take their penis costume to work with them, and after all of the dayís official business is finished, you could slip into your costume, put on a ďraincoatĒ if itís ďrainingĒ outside, and head to the local bar to wind down after a busy day. Itís probably easier to pick up women at the bars if dressed like a dong, Iíd imagine. According to that new penis enhancement medication, Longitude, 67% of women say that theyíre unhappy with the size of their loverís joystick. I bet all those women wouldnít be bitching and complaining if a 6í2Ē cock walked into the bar and threw a few lines their way. And they say that men are the shallow sex.

In the Walindi tribe of Africa, two girls are required to marry a single husband. As part of the ceremony, custom dictates that each give fellatio to their new husband and then spit his semen into the other new wifeís vagina.

BONG!! God bless that Walindi tribe and their kinky laws. I mean, itís already great enough that one lucky fuck is going to get two women for the rest of his life. No doubt heíll be getting all the three-way pleasure that all men dream of for the rest of his life. But to throw the oral sex into the wedding ceremony? And the fact that the women have to spew their husbandís cum into each otherís holliest of holes? Man, if or when I ever get married, Iím going to have the Walindi perform the ceremony for me. Either that, or Iíll go on an African safari and skip the whole wild animals and nature shit and go right to visiting with a native tribe and partake in some kinky action.

It is illegal for women to cut their grass topless in the state of Maine.

According to loyal W-D reader and a very good friend of mine, ďHardcore HandicapĒ Lucas King, a few years ago there was a lot of drama concerning women from Maine mowing their lawn topless because they were causing constant car accidents. I guess that the women of Maine love to have their tits covered in sweat and freshly cut grass. Maybe it turns them on. Obviously it turned the men who were watching on as they were driving by, because they couldnít stay on the road. Then again, Iíve met a number of people from the great state of Maine, and all of them have graphic beastiality images as the wallpaper on their computers, so theyíre not to be trusted in any way when it comes to sex. Those horny, virgin shipbuilding fucks.

In Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

Iím sure to some of the poor bastards in Virginia, thatís not a bad thing. Imagine your wife, after you got married and had a child, gained two-hundred pounds... Iím sure that youíd rather have the lights out and not have to deal with the harsh reality that lays, spread-eagle, on the bed in front of you. Plus, it may make the women of Virginia feel better as well. Unfortunately, a lot of men have no clue what theyíre doing in the bedroom. Theyíll poke their pole anywhere that they assume theyíll get stimulation from, and they take no consideration into their loverís preferences or desires. This way, at least those poor women can convince themselves into believing that their man sucks in the sack because the lights have to be out and he canít see what heís doing. Then again, to all of the talented lovers and beautiful people in Virginia, this also may be of some benefit, because itís always fun to turn the lights out and just use your animal senses of feeling, smelling, touching, and tasting rather than constantly looking. So, everyone comes out a winner in Virginia. Except for the guys with the fat wives... I think they still come out losers for the most part.

In Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

What the fuck? Seriously. Are the women of Illinois really that ugly that youíd rather go hunting or fishing on your wedding day than actually celebrate and make with the love to your new wife? Or, maybe in Illinois itís actually considered to be an early part of the honeymoon to go hunting or fishing with your new spouse. I mean, that turns me on just thinking about it. Putting on orange clothes and buying ammunition, getting my tackle box and bait ready... yeah baby. In the midst of such erotic surroundings, how could those bastards make it against the law to have intercourse while participating in those activities. Itís truly unfair to not be able to pull your brideís dress up over her head with a fishing poll in one hand and a gun in the other, all while on a rickety old boat or in a small hunting post. You could even let the furry forest creatures join the fun... like Snow White and shit.

The punishment for adultery for Greek men is to have the pubic hair individually removed from their scrotum while a large radish is shoved up their rectum.

The sad thing is that some of those cheating Greeks probably love every minute of that. Plus, theyíre getting sex on the side. The only thing that would make this situation better for them is if it was a carrot being shoved up their ass instead of a radish, while someone spit watermelon seeds all over their bodies. Those sick fucking Greeks..

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances, including a coupleís wedding night.

So are we to assume that if people want to pop their cherry that they have to go out of state? That seems a little excessive, especially since most first times arenít all that spectacular. Why spend money on a vacation just to go get laid for the first time when you have no clue what youíre doing, it could be painful, it could be messy, and the like? Or maybe itís simply that Washington state is encouraging rape or molestations as a solution to this pesky virginity issue. Hell, if youíre doing one illegal sexual act, then why not add another one to the list by taking their virginity while scarring them for life? Way to go, Washington, youíre the worst state ever... not only for this, though, but because you allowed MTVís Real World to go to Seattle and introduce the world to Stephen. Thatís simply unforgivable, you bastards.

ďIĎm gay? You think IĎm a homo?Ē

It's fairly safe to make love while parked in Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window while sex is assumed to be taking place. Any suspicious officer who thinks that people are having sex must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Finally, a law that truly serves the people. I canít tell you how many times that Iíve wished there were more strict privacy laws. Like a few years ago, while having sex with my girlfriend when my parentsí house was apparently empty, my mom just came strolling into my bedroom without warning. Luckily, it we were too impatient to take off our clothes, so it didnít look too bad... you know, aside from the condom wrappers laying around while we were both sweating under the covers. But in Idaho, you could be doing damn near anything in your car with the comfort of knowing that no police officer can confront you without giving advance warning. Say you decided to try some double-penetration with your lady, you going in one hole and the gear shift in the other... itís perfectly fine. Or if you were playing sex games like ďguess which random item from the glove compartment Iím sticking up your ass,Ē no one would be the wiser. All because youíd get three beeps of the horn and two minutes to gain composure before anything could go wrong. And people say that the only thing Idaho is good for is potatoes.

In Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

But itís perfectly fine for him to shoot off his gun when his male partner has an orgasm. Wisconsin is obviously pro-homosexuality. Then again, you have to ask yourself what kind of people live in Wisconsin if instead of getting off on the fact that they just gave their lover the ultimate pleasure that theyíd like to shoot a gun into the air and scream like a hillbilly. Cheesy people, probably... LOL!!1 Seriously though, imagine trying to maneuver around while banging someone, all while holding a gun in preparation of the big moment. Call me crazy, but Iíd rather be touching the one that Iím with at the moment rather than loading a gun and taking the safety off... but thatís just me.

In London, England, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

Because that would be much more dangerous, than say, having sex on a motorcycle driving down the street. This makes no sense to me... I mean, Iíve seen English porn where people are having sex EVERYWHERE. On park benches, in restaurants, in Birmingham Palace, and atop Big Ben, just to name a few locations. Now, would porn lie to me? Other than some forms of Canadian contributions to the adult industry, Iíd seriously doubt it.

An ordinance in Wyoming specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.

Now this, I can understand. Obviously, while having sex both men and women produce their own natural lubrication... the pre-ejaculate and the vaginal secretions. Now say that youíve decided that you want to fuck in the cold but donít have the money for a trip to the far north, the natural conclusion one would make was to go to the local storeís meat freezer and get busy. The downside to this and undoubtedly the sole reason for creating this law in my estimation is this... you and your lover are getting busy in the meat locker. Youíre going at it all hardcore, slapping her ass with a cowís leg while sheís blowing you, or sheís doing a reach-around and sticking a lambís tongue up your asshole while youíre doing her doggy-style. No doubt that all this kinky action will be turning you both on to the extreme, but you forget about the natural lubricant that both of your bodies create. Whatís to say that while making sweet love in the meat freezer some of that lubrication or even some sweat from all the hard work youíre doing doesnít drain or drip down to the floor of the freezerís floor? You ever see A Christmas Story when that kid gets his tongue stuck to the pole during recess? Thatís because cold surfaces donít mix with wet surfaces. If they come in contact with each other, theyíll be instantly stuck together. Mr. Wizard taught me that when I was fucking 6-years old, and Iíve remembered it ever since. Then you have all these careless pricks from Wyoming going and getting their womanís clit or their own hairy balls stuck to a wall or a floor or whatever is inside of one of those meat freezers. Imagine the embarrassment. Imagine the drama. Imagine the mother fucking pain associated with that nonsense. Not even kinky hardcore sex with dead animal parts is worth all that hassle.

Thatís it for the second edition in my series of Strange Sex Laws Around The World! Did it make you wet? Did it make you hard? Donít lie, I know it did... especially those of you who are unemployed. Yeah, you know what Iím talking about. At any rate, hereís to hoping that you found these strange sex laws both informative as well as arousing. Iíll do my best to find even more strange sex laws sometime soon so that we can officially turn Whatever-Dude into the worldís biggest international orgy. Until then, remember not to wear your penis costumes to work, donít fuck any fish that are still alive, and remember to turn the lights out before you make with the love.

-Eric Fields

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