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The Cinema of Denise Richards

posted by Chad on 7/11/02

Can you handle Denise Richards?

I wasn’t surprised when I saw Denise Richards standing in a slip with the word “trap” written beside her box. While she has a big smile and even bigger fake breasts, she’s so devoid of talent that the existence of an “acting” career is nothing short of bewildering. She suffers from what I’ve come to know as the “Tyra Banks syndrome,” where she’s attractive right up until the moment she speaks. You can almost hear the air escaping Denise Richards’ vacant head with every word that thoughtlessly drifts through her cock-smoking lips, proving a Hollywood career is available to anybody sexy and sleazy enough. Despite film failure after failure, her career still continues to grow, maintained only by her *cough* natural beauty and her willingness to whore her body to the general public.

So she’s acting skanky in a movie theatre: what’s new about that?

You’ll notice that all the photos in this article are blatantly sexual. Fact is, I challenge one of you to find a photo where she isn’t posing in a position that just begs to be fucked good long and hard. Her tits are the focus of every picture, pointing at the sun as her nipples shine and shimmer through whatever wet piece of clothing she happens to still be dressed in. Denise Richards is the cinematic embodiment of stupid whore.

Jealous of Snuffleupagus, Denise grew out the caterpillars above her eyes and wore a Fruit Loop colored 'do rag to make her look bright!!1

Denise Richards, in typical Hollywood fashion, complains of being an ugly ducking while growing up. Ironically, she began a career of modeling at the age of fifteen. This confusion was cleared up long ago on Jay Leno, when her star was just beginning to shine a vacant grey…

Leno: Nicknames, did kids tease you?
Richards: Oh, actually, in Junior High, my nickname was "Fish Lips".
Leno: Fish Lips?
Richards: Yeah, kids weren't very nice to me in Junior High, so...
Leno: Hmmmmm.
Richards: I had big, fat lips. [Laughs]

HAD? Had big fat lips? Richards still has fish lips (although I still prefer the term “cock-smoking”), and let’s be honest, those goo-guzzling chops have played center stage in acquiring acting work. I’m willing to bet that those lips have sucked many a cock and tea bagged more than a few horny producers. Or, perhaps she’s placed the cast director’s head in-between her breasts and shook her body side to side, winning jobs by knockout. Her ability to continue an acting career most certainly isn’t dependant on her dramatic reading, as the following graphic which I blatantly stole clearly illustrates.

Her first break came off a Seinfield episode, with Denise playing the 15 year-old daughter of a TV executive. Her importance in the episode was to have George and Jerry stare down her blouse. Score one up for the tits, and pigeonhole Denise as a pin-up bimbo – for even in the beginning, exposing her body was the way to land acting work.

So, when do I start?

From there, Richards moved on to star in the B-movie classic train wreck I mistakenly watched on late-night television, “Tammy and the T-Rex.” Denise Richards plays the lead character Tammy, while a robotic T-Rex embodies the brain of her murdered boyfriend. The movie is intentionally ludicrous, but I thought the film would have carried much more validity if Denise’s brain was in the dinosaur… as her brain mustn’t be much larger than a walnut OMG!!!11 The film ends with Richard’s performing a striptease for her boyfriend’s brain after it’s been removed from the dinosaur and placed in a salad dish, establishing early on her tits and ass are for sale, but her acting in unmarketable.

“Our interests are acting, getting naked, and three-ways. CALL US NOW!!”

Skipping over her role in “Starship Troopers” because I simply didn’t watch it, Denise Richards’ reputation as wackoff material was cemented with her appearance in “Wild Things.” The movie was billed as a crime/suspense/drama/thriller mishmash, but it quickly became known for one scene, and one scene only. Matt Dillion, Neve Campbell, and Denise Richards, all banging each others’ eyeballs out onscreen – a three-way fuckfest with Dillion licking booze off of Richard’s completely exposed breasts. The movie only avoided a porn rating by casting Kevin Bacon as a stumbling detective, whom attempted to solve exactly who was fucking who.

The development of muscle tissue on either side of Denise’s lips
is clinically known as cock sucker’s cramp.

The answer, Mr. Bacon, is that it was us viewers that were fucked. Fucked out of whatever we paid to see it, and fucked out of two hours of our lives. But I’m going to right the wrongs, doing my best to ensure no one else sits through “Wild Things” needlessly – click here and here and here to see the orgy screen caps, Denise Richards nude and nipply. They’re not safe for work, but if you’re at home and horny, click those links and whack off. I’ll wait. Honest. Go ahead… Denise would want it this way. You can see her exposed without having to hear her talk – after all, isn’t that why she’s been in all those men magazines?

Like a rock!

A mockumentary satire on beauty pageants (oops, I mean “scholarship programs”) entitled “Drop Dead Gorgeous” was the next film for Denise Richards, one that is often overlooked when mentioning her career. Why? Because not only was Denise Richards her normal bland self, but her mother in the movie was played by Kirstie Alley. That is one frightening family, a tag team from hell with each sporting annoying voices, strange looks, and all together just plain irritable personalities. Imagine my pleasure when I found out that their characters’ family name was none other than my own, Leeman.

Hollywood, you’re a dirty son of a bitch. The thought of Denise Richards taking my last name is nothing short of nauseating, and I’d end my life before spending it waking up beside that IQ draining douchebag.

All I want for Christmas is my two fake breasts.

Seeing Denise Richards land a role in the James Bond flick “The World is Not Enough” wasn’t much of a surprise: but having her play a Russian nuclear fucking physicist named Doctor Christmas Jones was a huge insult to anybody watching the film. “I wear shorts and a tank top," explains Denise, "it's more scientific looking." And it should surprise no one that she didn’t even attempt to fake a Russian accent, as her dialogue was less sophisticated than a Garfield comic strip. Everything she did in this movie was wrong, expanding her suckitude to a whole new group of cinema viewers and proving that she’s naturally untalented. Even while off screen, you can sense her stiffness and lack of grace merely by the lines she recites. Her presence made “The World is Not Enough” the most painful Bond movie to sit through ever – thank God for the other Bond girl. Her only positive contribution to the film was filling out that scientific looking tanktop.

Would the real Denise Richards’ ass please stand up?

Most recently, Denise Richards played a role in “Undercover Brother.” Her ass on the front of the movie sleeve has caused more talk than the movie itself. In a recent press scrum, Denise revealed, “That's not my ass, to be honest with you. It's a computer." I still don’t understand what the big deal is: she obviously paid good money for the breast enhancement. Why complain when the studio did your ass for free? Despite all the hubbla surrounding her ass, it didn’t stop her costume from being auctioned off on eBay for $360. The product description didn’t mention if the computer ass was included.


If you were incredibly unlucky, you may have caught Denise Richards’ four episode stint on Spin City. Once again, her role was to add sexual interest to the show, done by kissing Heather Locklear onscreen. Off camera however, she began seeing Michael J. Fox’s replacement Charlie Sheen, a recovering drug and sex addict. And now, two years later, the couple is married: expect to see them in a future “Phony Couples Attack” article – Sheen will be hitting the bottle within days of the honeymoon. She’ll suck everything out of him, from his man’s milk to his will to live, destroying his faith in humanity and leaving him with nothing but a new found respect for his past drugging. Better him than me.

Which one is a better actress?

I’m hoping that the future brings a wave of common sense. Just because a bunch of horny men want to be reincarnated as Denise Richards’ bicycle seat, doesn’t mean we all should be subjected to her onscreen presence, or lack thereof. Given her career to date, it’s safe to say her next film faux-pas will likely be just as revolting, annoying, and skanky slutty sexy. Some things come and go, others last forever.

Hey Snuffy, can you count to 3? OOOOOhhhhhhh ddddeeeeeaaaarrrrr.

This is usually the point where I plug my own webpage, which more or less contains the same articles found here on W-D, plus galleries of Big. Fake. Animals. By now, you know my webpage or could easily find it through the W-D staff pages, so I’m going to pass on my usual shameless self promotion and mention some sites that supported BigMeats as it blossomed into whatever-the-hell-it-is today.

FuckSociety | Nothing-Sacred | retroCRUSH | The Toque | OMG Whatever-Dude!!1

-Chad "fouff"

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