Time To Get Batty
posted by Jordo, Chuck, and Mike on 8/12/02
As far as the Batman saga goes, I have some serious beefs with how things have gone for our caped crusader over the years. Batman is not only my favorite superhero from a strictly psychological standpoint, but he has a dark, brooding quality that isn't captured in the Superman's and Wonder Woman's of the comic world. As far as my militant belief in Batman's recent portrayal in what I dubbed the "Joel Schumacher: World Class Asshat" era… I am fond of the Batman I watch on Nick at Nite, you know, Adam West in all his 'gay innuendo' glory. I also believe in Batman created through Tim Burton's dark vision, the carnival ride that is "Batman (1989)" and "Batman Returns (1992)". Never has a superhero been so accurately displayed, as far as his mindset and wants, than through the joining of Michael Keaton and Tim Burton. This was all before Planet of the Apes came out, mind you, and busted my colon up something fierce with the visual ass-ramming I got watching it in the theater. But that’s a whole different article altogether…
So the future of Batman is a little shaky these days. Just watching “Batman and Robin” is dramatic proof of this. If the new Batman vs. Superman lives up to my expectations, the Asshat Era will finally be at an end. But it is funny how all these new blockbuster Batman movies, with their big blockbuster budgets, and their bomb-breasted batgirl, can suck so much. Considering the original Batman was filmed on a forty dollars an episode budget, and is timeless. It was cheesy, over the top, and at best nonsensical, but it managed to crawl into my heart none-the-less. I think the constant "To Be Continued's" and the impending doom of the Dynamic Duo really grabbed my nuts and gave them a twist. It is in honor of the original Batman T.V. series, that Jordo and I created this comic, for your viewing pleasure. Stay tuned bat-fans! Same bat time... same bat website...
Batman - WD Style
I remember the day when I was first exposed to Batman. …Okay, I don’t, but I do remember playing with Batman action figures for hours on end. …As a child, that is. I swear. Back in the late 80's and early 90's, I used to watch the old school Adam West Batman on the Family Channel. Those really were the days. I was so into that show that I would regularly pin a towel around my neck and prounce around the house to wreak havoc on my household. Well, at least save my household from invisible villains, and even get the girl in the end...no wait, I'm kidding about that last part. Now that I look back at this, it's kind of sad. My couch was the Batmobile, and the remote control was my Batarang. Hell, my fucking underwear was my mask. Of course it was clean, thanks to the almighty power of Clorox. I remember one time, the Joker was about to attack my mother when BAM! The Batarang cracked the Joker in the face and the day was saved. In the real world, the remote control hit my mom in the back of the head and I was grounded for the rest of the week. Damn Joker.
I was always entranced by the magic of the 60’s Batman. Never did Isee the unintentional humor, a fat Batman, or an ambiguously gay Robin. No, I saw an action HERO, dammit! And it's sad, too, since ten years later I saw the Batman movie and nearly shit my pants out of laughter. Damn, that movie is horrible.
However, despite the fact that I've [somewhat] grown up, I still watch that show whenever I'm channel surfing. The memories sure pop up. The episode where that swamp monster starts swallowing Robin remains one of my favorites, in a non-homoerotic way. So while growing away from the old Batman, I began collecting Batman action figures. Fun times, I must say. I think I literally had EVERY figure there was to have. But don't worry, I'm not going to go into detail about that. I'm no Chris Pirillo, that's for sure.
I loved most of the Batman movies, save for that fourth piece of shit, but no show held up as much as Batman: The Animated Series. Fuck all this "Batman Beyond" shit, the original animated Batman was THE shit. A couple of my friends and I would watch that show religiously. The neighborhood kids and I would often meet up and play Batman. Unfortunately, I was jew...I mean, screwed into being Robin. Not that I really cared at the time, but now that I look back on it I see how degrading it was to put my underwear over my pants and be Gotham City's little bitch. Here's a little example:
Batman: "Okay, so let's say that I go to find the Joker, but Robin gets beat up by Johnny, David,
and Keith, first."
Me: "...What the fuck? Why wouldn't I go with you?"
Batman: "Robin, I go get the Joker and you stay in the Batcave!"
Me: "...Why would I stay in the Batcave? And how would I get beat up if I was in the Batcave?"
Batman: "Quit being such a poop head!! Jordo's a poop head!!"
(I run home, bawling)
...Let's change the subject. Looking at the character of Batman today, I realize that he's probably the best "realistic" superhero. I say this because he doesn't have green hair and shoot lasers out of God knows where. Most of the villains are well-developed as well. Dudes, Batman is truly the only superhero that represents.
As I was saying earlier, I love the old school Adam West Batman, which has definitely engraved itself into the basis of pop culture. There are five things in general about this show that I like, and here they are.
Number ONE: Adam West
Adam West is just a funny guy, period. His role in Batman is no exception. My favorite part about Adam West as Batman is that he always trails off into some fucked up philosophy that makes no sense to the kids watching it. In fact, Adam West is so talented that he trails off WHILE trailing off. That takes talent, kids. His speech is funny, too, in the fact that he'll over emphasize every other word he says.
Robin: Batman! What will we do now?
Batman: WELL, Robin. We must...DEFEAT...the Joker's...vile CREATION...
Robin: The Matter Defragmatronizer?
Batman: YES, Robin. WHEN will humanity REALIZE that such DIABOLICAL inventions should never
take...place...If I may look BACK...at human's...history...You MUST realize that such DEVICES...
fall into the WRONG hands, Robin...?
Robin: Holy Confusious, Batman!
Batman: Yes...Robin. Now...to the Bat...cave!
(Batlogo Zooms in and Out in that psychadelic 60's kind of way)
Number TWO: Robin's Holy's
The biggest catchphrase of the entire series was the fact that Robin always said "HOly (insert topic that "applies" to the situation here) Batman!" Here's a list of some ACTUAL quotes from Batman's "little helper":
"Holy ball and chain!"
"Holy fruit salad!"
"Holy mashed potatoes!"
"Holy heart failure!"
"Holy Las Vegas!"
"Holy Contributing to the Delinquency of Minors!"
"Holy Dental Hygiene!"
"Holy Fate Worse Than Death!"
"Holy Human Surfboards!"
"Holy Interplanetary Yardstick!"
"Holy Luther Burbank!"
"Holy Priceless Collection of Etruscan Snoods!"
"Holy Purple Cannibals!"
"Holy Rising Hemlines!"
"Holy Trolls and Goblins!"
"Holy Uncanny Photographic Mental Processes!"
I'd have to say that "Holy Molars" is my favorite, but you better believe I'd fucking spooge right now if he said "Holy Shit, Batman!"
Number THREE: The Villains...do do do DO DOO (Joker's theme)
Most of the villains sucked. I remember finding the Penguin boring. The Riddler just annoyed me. The Joker had a mustache. (Actually, the man who played him, Caesar Romero, refused to shave his ‘stache. Who knows.)
Number FOUR: The ridiculously fake fight scenes
All I have to say is, if Batman punches you from five feet away, you sure as hell bet “POW!” or “THUNK!” will start flashing.
Damn, there are SO many ways I can go with this.
Number FIVE: The theme music
Ah, the theme music. Come on, admit it. There's been a time in your life where you were bored, lonely, and dying to find excitement in your life. That's when a strange little thought popped up in your head.
Dah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Batman! Dah nah nah nah nah nah Batman! Batman, Batman, Batman! Dah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, Batman!
...You know, I find it really pathetic that I actually just typed that out. But before I hand the bat (LOL PUN INTENDED) over to the M’ster, I’ve been saving up a quality AIM convo for this moment.
WD Jordo: Hi!
Vampress Titania: Hello
WD Jordo: wanna chat?
Vampress Titania: sure buddy
WD Jordo: Sweet asl
Vampress Titania: 18/f/al
WD Jordo: 17/m/nd
WD Jordo: I have angst
Vampress Titania: bout what or are they just teenage angst
WD Jordo: I am sick of the bullshit that is the social class
Vampress Titania: yeah tell me bout it
WD Jordo: The only person that represents my internal soul is Batman
Vampress Titania: that's cool
WD Jordo: But yea...he does represent me...he's so dark and gothic like I am
WD Jordo: Are you into that stuff?
Vampress Titania: goth
Vampress Titania: not really
WD Jordo: Neither am I
Vampress Titania: just isn't me
WD Jordo: But I still feel as if the darkness is in me
Vampress Titania: thought u said u were
WD Jordo: Only in the sense of my darkness that builds up inside of me...much like Batman
Vampress Titania: okay
WD Jordo: Sometimes I dress up as him and pretend that I actually have meaning in life
WD Jordo: I'm sorry, I tend to open myself up to people quickly
Vampress Titania: that's okay
have u ever seen anyone about it
WD Jordo: what do you mean
Vampress Titania: don't mean to be rude
Vampress Titania: your darkness
WD Jordo: Only Robin (my best friend)
Vampress Titania: okay
WD Jordo: The darkness does not eat my soul as long as I wear the mask
Vampress Titania: oh okay
WD Jordo: Do you have anything similar to me?
Vampress Titania: darkness nope I"M completly light
WD Jordo: I'm sure you have something...you're name is Vampress after all
Vampress Titania: borrowed screen name only for rping
WD Jordo: I RP as well
Vampress Titania: i thought as much
WD Jordo: Don't tell...I must never reveal my secret identity, for I feel that my internal demons would know who I really am
Vampress Titania: sure
WD Jordo: You aren't saying much...
Vampress Titania: sorry don't have any darkness to share
WD Jordo: Do I frighten you?
Vampress Titania: nah
WD Jordo: That is my purpose...that is why I dawn the figure of the Bat...if it scares you, it's fine
Vampress Titania: figured as much
WD Jordo: But I am mad because no one understands me
Vampress Titania: i can relate
WD Jordo: Everyone at my school makes fun of me for wearing a cape to school...they just don't understand that I'm really trying to protect them.
WD Jordo: What is the matter in your area?
Vampress Titania: what do you mean what's the matter
WD Jordo: You said you can relate
Vampress Titania: people think i'm crazy but in a light way as i said no darkness in me
WD Jordo: Yes, people think I'm crazy too.
Vampress Titania: lol
WD Jordo: I once got expelled for throwing a Batarang at this one kid...I was only trying to stop a fight
Vampress Titania: that's very noble of you
WD Jordo: Thank you...I think you understand me
Vampress Titania: some say i'm very understanding
WD Jordo: You can be my partner
Vampress Titania: Partner of what
WD Jordo: We can fight crime, and protect those running in fear of society, together
Vampress Titania: okay
WD Jordo: I am not lying...I tell the truth, always
Vampress Titania: i believe you
WD Jordo: If I lied, that would be a sin, and I would have to suffer because of that
Vampress Titania: alright
WD Jordo: You don't seem to like me
Vampress Titania: you're nice just a little lost
Vampress Titania: i think i've found myself and your still looking
WD Jordo: Are we not all trying to find ourselves in this path of life...and death?
WD Jordo: I know who I am...I am The Dark Knight.
Vampress Titania: yep, some are just getting there faster
Vampress Titania: I'm happy for you then
WD Jordo: I am...Batman. It is the path that destiny gave to me.
Vampress Titania: okay i hope you succeed in your path
WD Jordo: My path leads to Gotham City, wherever that may be
Vampress Titania: i hope you find it
WD Jordo: I do, too. Otherwise I have no existence.
Vampress Titania: that's so deep
WD Jordo: It is true
Vampress Titania: I'm sure it is
WD Jordo: I feel that despite the fact that the world, god, and everyone hates me, I am still noble
Vampress Titania: that in itself is very noble
WD Jordo: Destroying the villains will be a task that gives me meaning
Vampress Titania: I hope they're all destroyed then
WD Jordo: They will be...as soon as I find the Joker
WD Jordo: I know he's out there...he laughs at me all the time.
Vampress Titania: he must be very slipper
Vampress Titania: slippery
WD Jordo: He laughs at me...I hear his laughter, even now
Vampress Titania: needs some earplugs lol
WD Jordo: I hear it in my soul
Vampress Titania: no ear plugs for that
WD Jordo: Only if I cut myself with the Batknife
WD Jordo: Which I plan on doing
Vampress Titania: that could be very dangeous
WD Jordo: It will be worth it since that makes me the victor over him
Vampress Titania: to die is not to win
WD Jordo: He still laughs at me...help me...make it stop...I fear for myself
Vampress Titania: dont know what to tell you
WD Jordo: You're the only one that can help me right now
WD Jordo: The Joker is here, I can feel him
Vampress Titania: speechless
WD Jordo: please help me
Vampress Titania: how can i help you
WD Jordo: I...don't know. I'm already bleeding.
WD Jordo: I can't let him win, dammit
Vampress Titania: use it on him not u
WD Jordo: Yes...I'll try, but he's everywhere
WD Jordo: Even in me
Vampress Titania: overcome with your mind not you physic
WD Jordo: I can't...i cant live like thi
WD Jordo: s
WD Jordo: you will be the last person i ever talk to
Vampress Titania: ((r u okay))
WD Jordo: No I'm not...
Vampress Titania: I feel so special
WD Jordo: Please don't be like this...the pain is already too great.
Vampress Titania: be like what
WD Jordo: I seriously can see my fucking muscle outside of my body right now
WD Jordo: The Joker did it, not me
Vampress Titania: that would require the hospital not my help
WD Jordo: it doesnt matter now anyway
WD Jordo: they wouldnt understand
Vampress Titania: they could help you physically if not mentally
WD Jordo: shiti cant talk mch nw
Vampress Titania: okay
WD Jordo: fcklingbatrsd won...
Vampress Titania: goodbye then
WD Jordo: By the way, what kind of panties are you wearing right now?
Vampress Titania: wow what a revival not telling
WD Jordo: That's because you aren't wearing any
Vampress Titania: whatever dude
WD Jordo: DOT COM!
Vampress Titania: huh
WD Jordo: www.whatever-dude.com
Vampress Titania: oh a web site
WD Jordo: You'll be on there, trust me
Vampress Titania: .why is that
WD Jordo: Because you've been 0wn3d
This is probably who I was pretending to be
Random Link of The Day: Noncentric
As I already stated in my previous article, Batman is ultimately a well-disguised take off on El Zorro; rich influential aristocrat by day, a masked vigilante by night. Regardless, I’ve kept a soft spot in my heart for the Caped Crusader since early childhood. I had all the Batman Hotwheels cars. I had Batman Underoos (you know, the ones that would catch on fire if you walked too fast.) I had the Batman doll (one of a number of Super-hero dolls released by Mego in the mid-to-late 70’s.These dolls were poseable, and had removable clothes, thus insuring the homosexual fan’s ability to visualize all their Batman and Robin fag fantasies.
Hey Robin. Let me show you where I hide my other Batarang...
Most of the villains on this show sucked shit. The Joker (Caesar Romero) was part of what instilled in me a deep dread towards circus clowns (though the Pennywise character from Stephen King’s “It” outdid him by a landslide.) The Penguin (played by the late Burgess Meredith) was a source of deep consternation in my home, as I’d often wander through the house screaming “Waank! Waank! Waank!” until my father whipped out his leather patrol belt. Now I love just about anything with Vincent Price in it, but Egghead was practically his worst role ever, second only to his narration in the Thriller video. Every time he’d utter an “eggsquisite!” or “eggstraordinary!” I wanted to break it down Warner Brothers style and beat him over the head with a mallet whilst screaming “IWANNAEASTAHEGG! I WANNAEASTAHEGG! IWANNAEASTAHEGG!” Then there was King Tutt… my God… Fatty Arbuckle meets Liberace. I could not stand any episode that had this moron guest starring. It was enough to make me want to puke like an Egyptian.
But there was one positive aspect of the show’s villain roster. One of my first masturbatory experiences was to Julie Newmar, aka the (white) Catwoman (insert “getting some pussy” joke here.) I don’t know… something about a woman in a skin tight jumpsuit crawling around and purring like a cat was more than my pre-teen libido could bare. Two minutes of her cackling over her latest “puurrrrrrfect” plan would leave me with a full on Batboner every time.
Hey baybah… I wanna make a beeline to your feline v-line…
Of all the episodes, my favorite would have to be the one that guest-starred The Green Hornet and Kato (played by kung-fu god Bruce Lee.) This was several years before Bruce became a kung-fu movie megastar, but regardless, there’s just something malignantly funny about watching Robin matching fisticuffs with this man… and WINNING… I shit you not, that little masked fairy kicks the ever-loving BatCrap out of Bruce in this episode… the only way it could’ve been any better would have been for Robin to stand over Bruce’s beaten form and say “Holy Fists of Fury, Batman!”
Incidentally, a new Batman TV movie will be hitting the airwaves soon with most of the original cast. It’s called (seriously) Return To The Batcave. Hey, before you scoff, just think of one thing… it can’t be any worse than Return To Hazard County…
Holy Filmation Shitfest, Batman!
Then came the New Adventures of Batman, a Saturday morning cartoon that starred Adam West and Burt Ward, reprising their roles from the hit 60’s TV show. In usual Saturday morning fashion, the producers decided to lighten things up a bit. Alfred the loyal butler was removed entirely, replaced by Batgirl. And what would a 70’s cartoon hero be without a cheesy sidekick? Enter Batmite, a half bat/half midget freak who would constantly get the Dynamic Duo in trouble, with extremely non-funny results. Thankfully, the show lasted just a single season, before being tacked on to another cartoon hero and becoming the Batman/Tarzan Adventure hour. The following year, Batman’s name was removed entirely and the show became Tarzan and the Super Seven. The year after that, Tarzan was dropped and the show migrated from CBS to NBC and became Batman and the Super Seven, before finally having a bullet put in it in 1980. Batman stayed inactive until he returned as a supporting character in The Super Friends, which was a bad show in its own right, only with shittier animation (and that’s saying a lot, considering The New Adventures of Batman was done by Filmation, the crapimators responsible for He-Man.)
Coming this summer: The Saint, the Doctor, and The Dead Guy
Then came Batman in 1989. I have to mark out and say I loved this flick. Up to that point, there hadn’t been a decent super hero flick since Superman II, so the fanboy market was starved for some theatrical super hero goodness. It broke records that summer, far outdoing its expected ticket sales. 1991 saw the release of Batman Returns. The only thing I didn’t like about this film was that OBVIOUS Gotham City studio set location. At least in the first film they tried to make Gotham look like a real place. And let’s not forget the newspaper blooper. Alfred walks up to a newspaper boy who’s screaming about the “Gotham Times, only 50 cents!” Alfred insults the fact that they’re considering the Penguin Man of the Sewers as being newsworthy, then walks off. Immediately the newspaper boy starts screaming “Gotham Times, 25 cents!” There’s not much you can say about Alfred that’s more positive than the fact that his opinion can cut the costs of newspapers by 50%.
1994 brought Batman Forever to the world, a sign of the horrors that were to come. Taking over for Tim Burton (who stayed on to produce the film) was Lost Boys director and flaming homosexual Joel Schumacher. Michael Keaton killed his career quite nicely by refusing to make a third film, so Val Kilmer was brought on board. Chris O’Donnell brought Robin to the big screen for the first time. Robin Williams backed out of his role of the Riddler in pre-production, so Jim Carrey took his place. Tommy Lee Jones took on the role of Harvey Dent, aka Two-Face, who was originally played by Billy Dee Williams in the first film…amazingly, this continuity kick to the balls went right over the heads of most of the movie going public. I guess that acid did more to Harvey than even we could’ve imagined. Maybe it’s the same shit Michael Jackson used to bleach his skin…
Then, in 1997, a script for the fourth batman film was turned in to Warner Brothers. Burton backed out as producer after the first read. Kilmer backed out, saying he had no interest in filming “ice skating” scenes in a Batman movie. So Schumacher brought in George Clooney of ER fame. He also added loooooong shots of Batman and Robins’ black rubber clad asses, and brought back the campiness of the 60’s tv show. Now don’t get me wrong. I loved the old show. But I didn’t want to see it on the big screen, especially not after being exposed to what a real ass-kicking Batman could be like, thanks to Burton’s opus. Add to this the fact that Ahhnold won the role of Mr. Freeze and turned him into a cross between The Terminator, Frosty The Snowman, and Andrew Dice Clay, Uma Thurman watched every Julie Newmar episode of the old show and did her best to emulate what an attractive slutty woman acts like with her portrayal of Poison Ivy, and Bane (the Russin hitman from the comics who’s famous for temporarily putting Bruce Wayne out of action by snapping his back like a twig) was reduced to a sniveling dimwitted simpleton who utters one word sentences, and what you’ve got is quite possibly the worst super-hero movie ever made (though its Oscar calibur material when compared to the wonder that is Puma Man.)
But what some of you may not know is that Batman’s movie career predates even the 60’s TV show, which (much like Buck Rogers) actually began it’s life as a theatrical release. Just like Zorro, Batman’s success was noticed by Hollywood in the 1940’s, and so the children of America rushed in droves every weekend to the local Bijou to catch the latest installment of Batman the Serial!
The Dark Knight In Black and White
The first of two serials released was simply entitled Batman. Released in the early forties during the crest of World War II, the writers abandoned the pre-existing villains and came up with Dr. Daka, a Japanese mad scientist (racist, much?) who, hidden deep within the confines of his abandoned amusement park, has devised a mechanism that allows him to control men’s minds. . Batman and Robin find out Daka is building a radium gun (whatever the hell that is) and decide they must stop him, at any cost. Dr. Daka kidnaps Ken Colton, a man who had just (luckily for the good doctor) found a radium mine. As Batman and Robin race to Daka's funhouse, they learn that Linda Page, Batman’s sweetie, is also a "zombie servant." They capture Daka and ask how to reverse the zombie-effect so Linda Page would return to her normal bat-fucking self (imagine that… any women who slept with Batman could be called a Batfucker, and just have to stand there and take it.) As Daka is tied up, he uses a knife to get loose and takes Linda as his prisoner. While Daka tries to escape, Batman tells Robin to flip the switch to the door that's the only exit from the hideout. Robin presses the wrong switch and a trap door opens. Daka falls to his doom in a pit of hungry alligators. I say again… ALLIGATORS.
Holy Two-tone, Batman! Quick, use the Bat-Turner-Colorizer!!
The second serial, called Batman and Robin (now there’s a cursed title) concerned one Professor Hamill. Hamill is developing a way to control vehicles and bring them to any destination desired by the owner (these days we call these “valets.”) The machine he perfects is stolen, since it would be of great use to any criminal. Batman and Robin are called upon to help get it back. They soon learn that the machine runs on diamonds (a plot twist stolen in Batman and Robin for Mr. Freeze’s cold suit), and so they stake out a diamond store. Their instincts prove correct, and as the criminals arrive they are surprised when Batman and Robin burst on the scene. One of the criminals gets away while Batman and Robin are distracted fighting the rest of the hoodlums. The escapee brings the diamonds to The Wizard (the resident bad guy). The Wizard uses the machine to take over a train shipment of an explosive called X-90 and has his thugs take the explosive to the hideout. As Batman and Robin discover the hideout, actually under the professor's house, they learn that The Wizard is the twin brother of the professor's servant, which leads me to suspect they should’ve named this one The Young And The Batty… a fist fight breaks out, but alas, there’s no alligators this time. Batman and Robin save the day, and go back to Wayne Manor to probe each others’ batcaves.
Whether it be a serial, a campy TV show, a cartoon, or shitty super-gay porn, Batman is a character that will always be reinvented for the audience of the times. It was recently announced that Warner Brothers is going into pre-production on Superman Vs Batman, a live action film starring Josh Hartnett as the Man of Steel, and Colin Ferrell of Minority Report and Daredevil fame as the Caped Crusader. Whether this will be the super hero film the DC fans have been waiting for, or a watered down “I Know What You Flew Over Last Summer” dung-o-rama remains to be seen. I guess all we can do is watch and wait… Same WD time, Same WD channel.