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The Apex of Originality
posted by B on 2/12/01

Back when the Internet first started in Spring of 2000, I helped bring to fruition a website that quickly became known as a must-read haven of popular culture nonsense. Now, as we approach the Spring of 2001, that very website has flourished into Jack Chick comic after Jack Chick comic after Jack Chick comic...and dated references from an aging man with a "hot wife" who makes "500 dollars a month" to be a "writer" for a "magazine" that features "men in their underwear" on the cover. It's like watching your dad try to be cool.

I, my friends, am different. I transcend gender and predicatability. And, if I start getting paid, I'll update more than once every three or so months.

Entering into this, the shortest month of the year, gaze once more upon my wise and hardened fingers, as I bring you the most ground-breaking and original pieces of work ever seen on your computer screen. Stand, mouth agape with wonder, at the first product from the mind that brought you so much anguish and joy. The pinnacle of originality:

DVD reviews!

Fantasia created the mold for blending music and movie magic into an exhilarating moviegoing experience. Unforgettable images are brought to life by some of the world's best music - the comedy of Mickey Mouse as a trouble making sorcerer's apprentice, the beauty of winged fairies and cascading snowflakes, the lengthy lesbian bondage scenes, even plump hippos performing ballet in tutus! The sheer joy of the idea of hippos performing ballet in tutus should burn your face off with joy, leaving you hideously scarred both physically and emotionally for the rest of your life.

With this special edition DVD, you are invited on a behind-the-scenes look at Fantasia. Included is a compilation of audio interviews with Walt Disney spanning three decades (the 1940s, the 1870s, and the week after next), much of which has NEVER BEEN HEARD, especially if you are deaf. If you are Helen Keller, it'd all be new to you if you hadn't died years ago.

Never before has this masterpiece looked and sounded better than in this 60th anniversary DVD. Enjoy the history, the sounds, the sheer excitement, and the hundreds and hundreds of thousands of adjectives that ARE Fantasia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111

The Film

Chapter Search Index:

"Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" -
Johann Sebastian Bach

Remember "Welcome Back, Kotter?" I thought Johann Sebastian did a better job with the catchy theme from that show than he did in Fantasia. John Travolta RAWKS, because he was in Grease and that is my favorite movie of all time. Walt Disney should've watched Grease more closely before making Fantasia, because after like the third time I watched it I realized that the songs don't even have any words! A fun thing to do is turn down the sound on this DVD and get together with all your friends and sing "Summer Lovin'" at the top of your lungs. And then you can do Jell-O shots and play Sega! Being young is so cool.

"The Nutcracker Suite" -
Magnum P.I. Tchaikovsky

This is my favorite piece. The music is absolutely pristine and amazing, and I laugh every time the man gets hit in the nuts by the Frisbee. My only complaint is that it COULD'VE been funnier if they'd had Bob Saget add a "BOINK" sound affect and maybe the guy going "auuuugh." Or a dog could bite him in the nuts, I saw that on the Discovery Channel once.

"The Sorcerer's Apprentice" -
Paul Dukas

I might not've actually watched much of this disk, but I'd like to be serious for a moment. Has anyone EVER actually found Mickey Mouse to be funny? Or entertaining, or anything? Disney has created some of the best animated motion pictures of all time - The Little Mermaid, Lady and the Tramp, The Lion King, and countless others - and after all of that their calling card is a falsetto speaking mouse with buttoned shorts who skips and picks flowers and shit? What the hell? That's all he ever does! Skips, drives a car, and waves at people. The stupid King of Cartoons cartoons from "Pee-wee's Playhouse" were more fun and memorable than ANYTHING Mickey's ever done, and I almost killed myself during a few of them. Cartoons are supposed to suspend reality and entertain with the absurd. I swear, sometimes I think the world got a fucking lobotomy when I wasn't looking.

"The Rite of Spring" -
Igor Stravinsky

After several hours of a director's dark and perverse vision of Los Angeles, it suddenly begins raining frogs. A perfect example of the excessiveness of "Young Hollywood," refusing to remove anything from their films under the false pretense of "creative expression." Some of the visuals were impressive, no doubt, but I find it hard to sleep after Donald Duck's "tame the cunt" speech.

"The Pastoral Symphony" -
Ludwig van Beeth Oven

Most "Pastoral Symphonies" I've sat through involved me standing and clapping awkwardly while fat women with the lard of their brows clamped tight, hands held aloft, singing off-key things about "walking through the valley" or the "blood o' the lamb" in a vague attempt to "praise Jesus." I wonder why people think singing poor songs from a wooden bench in the buttfuck of Sunday morning would please a guy who could shoot lighting out of his eyes. Well, I guess he could shoot lightning out of his eyes, I might be confusing Jesus with the Emperor from "Return of the Jedi."

I was very interested to find out what Beethoven thought of San Dimas, 1988.

"Dance of the Hours" -
Amilcare Ponchielli

I didn't get this piece. It has hippos dancing with alligators. I mean, yeah, I guess that's cool and all, but I saw some Hours dancing in a club once and they sure as heck weren't dancing like the hippos and the alligators. The hippos shoud've been pole dancing and strung-out, and the alligators should've been trying to keep the hippos from thrusting their evidently arachnid-infested crotch area out of their faces. Also, the hippos in this movie don't make that "CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG" noise they make in the game.

"Night on Bald Mountain" -
Modesto California

Who knows what this looks or sounds like, I skipped this chapter because the title has a hidden sexual agenda that directly offends my strict Puritan upbringing. I chose to write a poem about how thankful I am to God for making my life miserable during "Night on Bald Mountain."

In silent night when rest I took,
For sorrow neer I did not look,
I waken'd was with thundring nois
And Piteous shreiks of dreadfull voice.
That fearfull sound of fire and fire,
Let no man know is my Desire.

So your girlfriend throws a Honda,
Playin workout tapes by Fonda,
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda.
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hun.
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
but please don't lose that butt.

A Prise so vast as is unknown,
Yet, by his Gift, is made thine own.
Ther's wealth enough, I need no more;
Farewell my Pelf, farewell my Store.
The world no longer let me Love,
My hope and Treasure lyes Above.

-the end-

"Ave Maria" -
Franz Schubert

About the time "Ave Maria" rolled around I had already sat through over two hours of classical music, so I popped in my "Oops! ...I Did It Again" CD and jammed for the rest of the night with my compadres. I think the part in "Stronger" where they don't even TRY to mask the fact that she can't sing by altering 3/4ths of the song via the computer showed what a brilliant and inspirational performer Britney is.

Final Thoughts

My experience with Disney stops at the Disney Store in the mall, so I've never actually seen a Disney movie. I do own thirty-four pairs of Winnie the Pooh underwear, because I'm one of those socially inept retardeds who get some kind of sick joy from watching a bear get his ass stuck in a hole.

Also, since I only listen to "E.I." by Nelly over and over all day, I was excited to see that the film contained some of the most acclaimed and celebrated music of all time. After watching Fantasia I agree that the music is great, but didn't live up to my expectations. "The Nutcracker Suite" is awesome because it talks about cracking nuts in the title, but snores like "The Rite of Spring" by Igor Stravinsky could've easily been replaced with something more recognizable, like "After the Rain" by Nelson or something by Shaggy.

Special Features

Restored, Remastered Original Theatrical Version -

I couldn't find this on the DVD, because the menu kept flashing and giving me seizures. So I made up all that stuff up there and watched Digimon. Augomon is my true friend! Ha ha! Digivolve! Pow pow!

Audio Commentary by Roy E. Disney, Conductor James Levine, and More!

What they don't tell you is that the "and more" is actually dozens of children screaming for their lives. I got really worried. Especially when Roy Disney started talking about how big his cock is.

Rare Archival Interviews with Walt Disney -

Here Walt talks candidly about plans to freeze his head, so he can be revived in the future and support the Nazi supermen. Unfortunately, Walt's head was accidentally crushed during the construction of the "The Little Mermaid" ride at Disneyland, so other than Hitler killing himself back in the 40's it kind of screwed everything up.

"The Making of Fantasia" Featurette -

What is this supposed to be? It's just grainy eight millimeter footage of some girl with ropes around her bleeding. Do they ever explain what this has to do with Fantasia? I thought maybe it's how they decided on some of the songs, but the guy just keeps stabbing her and stabbing her.

Anyway, I give Walt Disney's masterpiece Fantasia four out of two stars, because it is very good and I like to say that I like it because it makes me sound like I appreciate the art of film-making. I put it on my DVD shelf in a comfortable spot between the remastered version of "Girls Gone Wild" and the Melissa Joan Clarissa epic "Drive Me Crazy." I will cherish it always.

Be excellent to each other!