Triple H exposed!
posted by Chad on 10/11/02
Do you ever get the feeling while watching Triple H that something is mighty peculiar? Like the entire wrestling industry is just an oyster in his hand that he’s going to feed to some McMahon so they’ll suck his dick? HHH is that damn good alright, and he’s better than you think. While his connections with the people in charge play a big role in his success and continual pushes, Triple H’s true source of power comes from elsewhere…
Don’t fucking roll your eyes at me – Hunter Hearst Helmsley is He-Man, and I’m going to prove it. Firstly, look at their similar appearances: medium length blonde hair, incredibly built, total lack of body hair, and each sport a tan that could only be produced artificially.
Neither of these “individuals” fight without going through a huge song and dance number. He-Man raises one arm to the power of Greyskull, and Triple H raises both arms and spits water to the music of Motorhead: the difference is trivial, and they are seemingly invincible after this pre-match ritual. Of course, when they fight, they do so wearing nothing but underwear, which further proves my point: how many men these days wear briefs? And of those few men that do, how many choose ball-raping underwear as the only piece of clothing to wear while beating the fuck out of other people?
Speaking of their clothing, notice how they both have a cross on their chest? Then again, they could just be Jesus lovers… but how many “Christians” have a weapon?
While the sword/sledgehammer is rarely used, have they ever failed our beloved heroes? These tools are the ultimate equalizers: they turn our tanned steroid monkeys into … into… um, well, tanned steroid monkeys that can really lay the smack down.
Despite this clear evidence, the similarities go even further:
Triple H and He-Man both want to fuck a girl that lacks the ability to convince a simpleton of the words she speaks. Also, both of these girls have fantastic fake breasts.
As if that isn’t enough, in both cases, this most fuckable girl’s father isn’t nearly as smart as he thinks he is. Watch for this man to screw up or get screwed in nearly every episode. While his blunders seem unnecessary and down right foolish, they usually become the centerpiece for the show’s storyline.
Triple H = He-Man
The final piece of evidence is simple: neither of these muthafuckas ever lose. If they do lose, it’s only a short-term loss due to impossible circumstances, and is immediately rectified in the following televised installment.
Grab a pen and write this down: Clark Kent is Superman, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Peter Parker is Spiderman, and Triple H is He-Man. Continuing in cartoon excellence… now you know, and knowing is half the battle! Yo Joe!